Saturday, December 30, 2006

The hat situation...

Today I went to see the flick Holiday with my man (the Observer). It was quite a worthwhile way to spend the afternoon. Jude Law, Cameron Dias, Jack Black and Kate Winslett made a surprisingly good team. I love English accents, so that was a bonus. Honestly, Jude Law could just stand frozen in silence in a movie and I'd watch it with my mouth hanging open. He's one beautiful man. Looks aside, Jude Law doesn't seem as sweet on the inside, so I don't think I'd like him in person. Good packaging only keeps my attention for so long. That's why I love the Observer; he's still a treat when you get past his wrapping.

This afternoon I was upset with the Observer. See, the Observer left his hat in the movie theater. By the time the Observer realized he was hat-less, it was about time to catch our only-comes-once, we're-dead-if-we-miss-it bus. Now you should know that the Observer is hairless, so a hat-less Observer can quickly turn into a chilly Observer.

Anyway, I decided on a plan. Since the Observer hadn't had dinner and this was his chance, I told him to grab a quick bite while I tried to track down his toque. Once at the theater, I tried to explain to movie staff that my friend left his hat in the movie. "Could they please let me get the hat from the theater?" I asked.

They looked busy - too busy to look for one measly hat.

After some pleading, I knew it was no use. I hurried back to meet the Observer, expecting him to holding dinner or eating. I found him right where I left him. Empty handed. No dinner.

I was annoyed. I told him he was supposed to buy his dinner or help me find his hat. I grilled the Observer about just sitting there while I followed the plan and said, that if he wasn't going to eat, he should have at least come with me to look for his hat. I said this was his chance to eat, so he should have taken it.

The Observer listened to me vent for a bit. He knew I was mad. I like when we work as a team. We make a good one most times. I like us to be equal, to feel like we help each other out, but still keep our independence. I don't like him doing things I can do for myself and I don't like doing things he is able to do for himself either.

Maybe the people in the mall who heard me venting to the Observer thought I was being rude. That's OK. People argue. People get frustrated. It's hard for me to get angry, especially at the Observer. He's really sensitive - like me. I hate hurting his feelings. Good communication is important. I'm glad he knew I was angry. I'm not sure if the Observer understands why. I don't know if he realized that it wasn't about him not eating dinner. It was about us helping each other as a team, not one person getting something done while the other stays still.

The Observer never got his hat from the theater. He didn't eat dinner either, but at least we communicated.


Grace makes another good (and very depressing) song...

I'm on my knees
only memories are left for me to hold
Don't know how but I'll get by
Slowly pull myself together
There's no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world
Come what may
I won't fade away
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace
Nothing comes easily

Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
I've lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace
GRACE (Kate Havnevik)

* From Grey's Anatomy Volume II Soundtrack* Thanks Observer! I love the CD!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

To be unplugged...

I love my family. I always have and always will, but I love them so much when I'm sick. When I'm under the weather, there's no place like home. The atmosphere, the food and the amazing people can't be beat.
Christmas was busy, but fun. I had a few shaky moments where all the action, food, socializing and being sick made me feel a bit nuts, but I made it. My parents gave us WAY too many gifts. They always do.
My Mom had to work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so our official Christmas happened on Boxing Day. It was different. The holidays felt more stretched out. I generally like that feeling....I hung out with the Observer's family Christmas Day. Holly Crow! There were sooo many people, sooo much food, and sooo much noise! I felt very welcome, which is something, considering how many people were there.
OK, I'm going to get personal now; if you don't like a little-more-than-necessary-information, stop reading now....
You still with me? Today was the first day I went "number 2" ALL week! I have such a messed up system from not getting activity by walking, not eating right and years of not taking care of myself. I take regular laxatives that would make most people run to the can. When people say, "You are so full of sh*t, in my case, sometimes it's true!
Anyway, I've been rather plugged for the last few days. I felt jealous of the dog who left a special present on my bed. At least SHE could go "number 2"! I took enough pills to give anyone with normal plumbing a heart attack, but for me, they barely did anything...
Well, I had success today and am feeling better in all respects.
I bet you're wondering why there's a picture of a fish, right? No reason, really. It's a bit weird - kind of like me...Did I mention that I love my family?

Sunday, December 24, 2006


Well, Christmas is almost here! I'm excited to go home. I'm leaving very soon to head to the Observer's family. It should be nice.

Remember last week I said I'd rather have a cold over the stomach flu any day? Well, that remark really bit me in the bottom. Now I have a cold and a sore throat. I should have kept that opinion to myself.

I don't feel fantastic, but not horrible either. I think I'm going to make it. Food tastes a bit weird, which is too bad since there are so many yummy treats around. I'm not going to let my mild flu ruin the holidays; they don't come around all the time.

If you've read this, thank you. Happy holidays!


Friday, December 22, 2006

Coffee shop compassion...

It's raining...lots. We usually have snow this time of year. I don't mind rain. It makes for much warmer weather. It's dark outside too, a bit like 4 a.m.

I finally got some sleep last night. Sleep is sweet. I woke up feeling refreshed and happy. Life is good today. I've had two cups of good coffee, so that's a big reason. As I sat in a coffee shop with a friend earlier this afternoon, I couldn't help but notice one lady. She was sitting nearby and just looked different - like she was struggling just to exist. She was agitated and fidgety. Strangers walked by and she thought she was in their way. It made me sad. I worry a lot about being in the way too.

The lady in the coffee shop kept saying her Mom was coming. She mumbled about being on medication. She would periodically hit herself and swear. It scared me. She would also whimper from time to time. Poor coffee shop lady.

The coffee shop employees were so kind. They listened and let the woman stay there. Strangers sat with her when she said she wanted company. It made me feel good.

When I was leaving the coffee shop, I heard the lady ask an employee what time the shop closed. The employee told the lady they closed at 11 p.m. It was only 3 p.m.

I bet that poor lady is still sitting in the coffee shop. I bet she'll be there until 11 p.m. Maybe her mother will meet her, but my heart says no. If I'm right, at least there are compassionate individuals around the lost woman. Sometimes that's all some struggling people can ask for.

I feel lucky today.


Thursday, December 21, 2006

Things I'm Grateful For...

* Sleep

* A shower (being clean)

* Stars

* Coffee

* My family

* Food

* My age

* Music

* The Observer

* Water

* Time (to sort myself out)

* My independence

* My glasses

* Living in the city

* Choices

* Forgiveness

* My grandparents

* My past

* Not knowing what's ahead

* Surprises (good ones!)

* Social assistance

* Anything orange

* That people read this blog


Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Holidays, here we come!

I am tired. The past few nights have not included much sleep. My mind has been working 24/7. "Don't forget this... Remember to...Before you leave to go home, you have to...This gift is for...What if he/she already has it, or won't like their present? Do I buy a gift for so-and-so? What if that person buys me one? Are Christmas cards better than gift tags? Are chocolates really a safe bet most times?

I have to wonder if I am forgetting the true meaning of the holidays with all this present buying pressure. Maybe. I just want people to like their gifts.

I'm looking forward to going home. My family's pretty fun during the holidays. I'm lucky. As much as I love them, after being home for a few days, I am ready to head back to my own apartment. My parents mean well, but sometimes they forget my age and resort back to telling me what to do. I know they love me. I love them too.

I suppose remembering our loved ones during the holidays matters more than whether or not their gift includes a card or Christmas tag.

It's so easy to caught up in gift giving, but maybe that's OK. The whole idea is to embrace the spirit of giving, right? Some people love the receiving part of Christmas. I'll admit, it's nice...who doesn't like getting gifts?

I like to think I live a pretty simple life. One of my favourite gifts to receive is a gift card to a coffee shop. The coffee I buy with those cards just tastes better - maybe because it was coffee bought out of kindness.


Monday, December 18, 2006

Here's to the night...

I couldn't sleep last night. I did a lot of thinking, planning and making mental notes to myself. I work well with plans, even though my mind can be muddled. (Hence, the name of my blog.) I thought about the gifts I have left to buy, and the wrapping that will follow with the pretty snowflake paper I bought. I stared at my alarm clock and watched the hours slooowly pass. I called the Observer's cell phone, because I knew he turned it off. I told his voice-mail I couldn't sleep.

I thought about the fact that I was alone in my bed and I laughed. I laughed because laughing alone in bed felt weird, but no one was around to think so.

I thought about Ian, my ex-boyfriend who died less than a year ago. His birthday on Earth just passed. Ian would have been twenty-four - the same age as me. I wonder if we get a different birthday in heaven. Maybe our second birthday is the day we go to heaven. I hope Ian gets some brown sugar cake on his birthday whenever he celebrates it. His Mom always made it for him. He loved brown sugar cake. Hopefully someone in heaven knows the recipe.

Sometimes I wonder if Ian is looking down on me, particularly on nights when I can't sleep. We went through a nasty break-up and both realized we were not meant for each other. When Ian died, I felt as though a huge piece of myself was gone, a piece only Ian shared and understood. We created a history together. I think Ian knows I'll always love him. (I hope.) I'm very much in love with the Observer. I'm sure this is clear to anyone looking down on us, Ian included.

I like to believe Ian can watch all of us live our lives until we meet in heaven. I smile at the thought that he gets the chance to watch me and the rest of the world, grow, take risks, make bad decisions, get jobs, get married, (or divorced) and move along life's road. Even so, it seems cruel that I get to have these experiences and Ian does not. I wish he were still alive. We probably wouldn't talk much, because it's tough to be friends with former flames. That's OK. The world would gain a great writer, a kind soul, a funny man, and a guy with amazing taste in girlfriends. :)

It is possible that Ian was looking down on me last night. As he saw me lying wide awake with my wheels spinning, Ian was probably thinking, "Is she ever going to stop thinking and just sleep?"


Sunday, December 17, 2006


You've got a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it in. Stress, especially over your financial situation, may demand that you take some time to refocus. You may have recently started to drift away from your target. If you become involved in a heated argument this afternoon, you would be wise back off.

Romance: Good Finance: Poor Health: Good Lucky Numbers: 10, 34, 39, 52

Copyright © 2006 Astrolis
* My horoscope sounds pretty realistic, especially the poor finances part unfortunately. I've been worried about getting sick because the flu is going around, so good health is a relief. The Observer is coming over soon, so I'll try my best not to pick a heated fight with him. (Just joking!) Here's to good fortune wherever you are! * - OCG

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Riding with the moods of the world...

My bus driver was nice to me this afternoon. I also had a taxi driver too. He was rude. He always is. I'm tempted to be rude back one day. I don't think that will ever happen. I talk a big talk. I do. Being rude doesn't solve anything but it's tempting. It's tempting to stand up for ourselves and dish out what we've had to take, but again, being rude doesn't help. At least I had one nice driver today.

Last night I hung out with my dog, Maddie. My parents went out so we kept each other company. She's getting old and lost her mobility due to a chronic disk injury. Maddie needs help with everything. We actually have much in common now. OK, back to last night - Maddie fell asleep on my bed. As I watched TV beside her, I decided to munch on chips. The very second I crunched into a chip, Maddie sprang into hyper alertness. She may have lost her physical abilities, but not her love for food. I'm glad about that. Maddie is almost always happy. She brings so much joy to our lives. Maybe the rude taxi driver I had today needs a dog. I bet the nice bus driver this afternoon has one.


* NOTE: The dog in the picture is a Cockapoo, like Maddie, except that Maddie is mostly all black. I know it's almost Christmas, not Halloween, but the dog was just so cute...*

Friday, December 15, 2006

Love You Lately...

You packed your last two bags.
A taxi's 'round the bend.
You used to laugh out loud,
But you can't remember when.

You lost your lies.
It's like your moving out of time,
And the whole word crumbles right beneath you.

So, I might've made a few mistakes,
But that was back when you would smile,
And we would go everywhere,
But we ain't been there for awhile.

And this I know,
There's a place that we can go-
A place where I can finally let you know.

'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately.
You and me,
we got this great thing.

We're the only one's that around,
We're the only one's that around this Babylon.

I hope you find whatever you've been lookin' for.
Just remember where you're from and who you are,
'Cause there's a thousand lights that'll make you feel brand new,
But if you ever lose your way,
I'll be right here for you.

'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately.
You and me,
we got this great thing.
So, come back and you sit down.

Everything's to see that you've come a long, long way,
And it's the place that you should be.
'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately.
You and me,
we got this great thing.

'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately.
You and me,
we got this great thing.

And we're the only one's that around,
We're the only one's that around this Babylon

LOVE YOU LATELY (Daniel Powter)

Get well soon...

The Obsever is sick. Poor guy. He has tummy troubles. That type of flu is the WORST. Give me a cold, headache, aches and pains or a fever over the stomach flu any day. I feel bad for him. We won't be able to see each other for a few days which sucks. It's Friday and we usually see other. It feels weird not to. I miss him.

Feel better soon!

Lots of love,


Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Out came the sun...

I am grumpy. My hair is wet. My skin is itchy and my throat is scratchy.

I wanted to go shopping today. I'm going to freeze. I should have asked to have my hair dried. It's too late now. I might go shopping later. Christmas shopping is really stressing me out. I'm buying gifts just for the sack of buying them without really considering the person the gift is for. That's not very thoughtful. My bad habit means I have to return a few things. It would have been easier to wait until I found the right gift. Ah well, I shopped and learned.

Yesterday I went to visit the Observer. I stayed a bit late and his family had to wait up for me. I hate when that happens. On the upside, the Observer's niece was so cute! Babies make everything better. We had cappuccinos. They are my new favourite drink - so frothy, creamy and smooth. Later I faced something else creamy, but this is a clean blog so enough of that...Anyway, the Observer's brother makes very good cappuccinos. I might go get one from Starbucks this afternoon.

I really want my hair to dry. So far it's taking forever. I'm getting chilly. I need to stop waiting for my hair to dry. Then it will.

My two front teeth are shifting. I know they are. I am concerned. Buck teeth are not attractive. Sometimes I see people who have buck teeth. I look at them and think to myself, "Poor person with those unfortunate teeth." Sometimes I get looks of pity from people, especially senior citizens because I use a wheelchair. I feel people staring at me and sometimes a quiet whisper of, "So sad." follows. They must think I'm hearing impaired too. If my teeth betray me, I'll get double pity. The looks will be two dimensional. Those stares will say, "Look at that poor girl who has a physical disability and has buck teeth."

Well, I've done a lot of complaining. The sun is out now, so I'll stop. Today's little bothers are fixable. Too many other things are not. I guess buck teeth aren't the end of the world...


Monday, December 11, 2006

Bits of weekend..

On the weekend I went to a Christmas party. An older lady who likes to drink was rude to everyone. She kind of ruined the night. I hope I'm never an alcoholic. She was awful. Poor lady.

On Sunday I woke up with a storm in my stomach. It was ugly. I didn't sleep much. I found a pretty, funky bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding. I will look OK. My sister-in-law-to-be is very relaxed so far. I'm glad. It makes all the planning and work more fun.

Today I slept in and shopped. Not a bad day. I have a few more gifts left to buy. I'm not totally happy with the gifts I brought. My mind isn't being as creative with present buying this Christmas. I'm buying, but I'm not at my best.

It's time for me to hit the hay. Maybe I'll wake up inspired to shop with gusto.

If you're on my list, pray...


Friday, December 08, 2006


You've probably had your heart broken before. There's no pain like it. No one can really describe how it feels; you've got to feel it for yourself.

I remember my first broken heart. For a little while I was numb and shocked. I couldn't believe that the only person I'd ever loved was not going to love me anymore, that everything we were was gone. It hurt. I can recall waking up and praying I was still sleeping. Being awake and aware was so painful. I felt as though half of myself was gone for a very long time.

I hated being alone. I hated the emptiness. I hated the present. It took me a while to understand that I used my first relationship to define myself and centered my life around being another half. After the initial shock and pain subsided, I started having fun and getting to know myself better. Gradually I discovered that I was OK without a boyfriend.

I feel lucky to have that first broken heart. Though it took the longest to heal, I learned so much from the process. Now I see that I can survive and that self-worth can never be connected to being with another person; it has to come from within myself. Today I feel like a stronger, more independent girlfriend.

Firsts mean there is no form of reference, nothing to compare or reflect on except the past. It's scary to not know whether this horrible pain will ever go away.

Through experience, we realize that the pain goes away. Always. We get angry. We feel sad. We dwell. We analyse. We reflect. We let go. We move forward. We risk again.

A good friend of mine lost her best friend. My heart goes out to her. I know the feeling of a broken heart. Before long ago, my only experience with heartache came from broken relationships. Then my former boyfriend died and I felt heartbreak, not from severed ties, but the end of life. It's different, much worse. It's so final. The end. We'll never see that person on Earth again. Unlike the end of relationships, when it comes to death, we have no choice. I think that's why it hurts so much.

Life is really unfair sometimes. At the same time, it's amazing that we can keep going. In the book Tuesdays With Morie there is a quote that says, "Death ends a life, not a relationship." I believe that. Perhaps each time our hearts break, they make a place for the person we have lost.


Saturday, December 02, 2006

Here comes the snow!

It snowed this morning, just a little...Snow is pretty, especially on the trees. Christmas is twenty-three days away. How did it get here so fast??? I'm getting old.

I have lots of shopping to do. Too much. I don't even want to begin. I feel like I have a big, tough school assignment waiting for me. The more I think about it, the more I worry and the less I want to start.....ah procrastination!

The Observer is coming over soon. We might shop. We might watch a movie. Freedom is sweet. Whatever we do today, I want to have a glass of red wine. I just tried a new kind called Naked Grape. It's good and sweet.

I looked in the mirror a few minutes ago. I told myself that I'll be alright, that I won't get fat if I eat and that life is not worth being unhappy about weight. I might forget to remember this tomorrow, but I at least I remembered today.

There's good music on the radio and my nose is itchy. Doesn't an itchy nose mean I will kiss a fool? I do that already!

I am chilly. My hair is still damp from my shower. I love showers, but it's hard to turn off the hot water in the winter. It's a bit like getting out of an indoor pool. You know you have to, but it's still hard - kind of like Christmas shopping. We'll see what happens today.



Friday, December 01, 2006

I'm a girl with a life...

I am disabled. Maybe you knew that. Maybe not. I cannot walk. I cannot dress myself. I cannot cook. I cannot get my mail. I cannot shower myself. I cannot clean. It sucks sometimes....


I can tell people I love them (and mean it!). I can pay bills. I can go to school. I can laugh. I can write. I can listen. I can speak. I can make decisions. I can make mistakes. I can learn. I can assert myself.

I rely on attendents to help me do what I cannot do for myself. As I've often said, some are better than others. They forget at times that they aren't there to run my life, but make it a bit smoother by being my hands and feet.

I get tired of being walked all over, of being accommodating at my own expense and having my life open to so many people. Some attendents are awesome and have become my true friends. Others I'd never chose to see.

I am frustrated today. I am being viewed as a patient, a job - not as a young person whose boyfriend just left after a visit or someone who might want to talk to her friends before hitting the hay. I hate that people see me as money, hours or work.

Living downtown I see a lot of homeless people. They sit on street corners, side-walks or bus shelters. I never really look at them directly. Some scare me and leave me uncertain of what will happen if I give too much of my attention. It's an ignorant response, not unlike the ones I face daily because of my dependence on others...

Next time I pass a homeless person, I will take a second and look at him/her. We all deserve to be treated as people, whatever the circumstances...


Monday, November 27, 2006

385 Younge Street, tunes, and fig cookies...

I need to remember 385 Younge Street. That's where I need to go on Wednesday. I need to book my ride tomorrow and I can't forget....I can't forget 385 Younge Street. I keep typing this address, so it doesn't leave my brain...385 Younge Street.

My Dad has an ipod. He's pretty hip, my Dad is. I listened to his ipod today. It's pretty cool. I liked the tunes he downloaded. There was Pete Yorn, The Beatles, Tony Bennett, Van Morrison, Alan Jackson and a whole bunch of other good stuff. I laughed at his wide selection because he likes a lot of the music I do. When I commented on the variety of his music choices, Dad told me this quote from Elvis: "We can all enjoy a range of music, but it must have soul." I might have misquoted the king, but you get the drift...

I miss my Dad. I just left him. We went for our usual coffee at Tim Hortons. It was nice. Tim Hortons has these pretty holiday cups now. They've been around for a few years. Seeing them makes me excited.

Yesterday I visited the Observer and had lunch/dinner with him. His Mom made these Italian fig bars that are a tradition at Christmas. They have a special name. I can say it, but there's no way I can spell it, so I won't. The Observer doesn't like his Mom's fig cookies, fish, or wine - all of which are staples in Italian culture. He likes many Canadian meals like stir-fry, hamburgers and restaurant fare. I enjoy wine, fish and, now, fig cookies. Maybe our taste buds got mixed up somehow. Fortunately the same can't be said for our hair growth - the Observer is bald! What he lacks in hair, he makes up in heart.

I'm getting tired, but I haven't forgotten........385 Younge Street.

Goodnight world. Thank you for Dad, Mom, Tim Hortons, the Observer, the Observer's Mom and Dad, Italian fig cookies and my home. Lastly, please help me remember 385 Younge Street...


Saturday, November 25, 2006

The boy who's missing a party...

The Observer is missing a party tomorrow because of me. He says no, but I know he is, not to mention his family.

It's a long story, but I think the Observer doesn't want me to feel bad, so he's stretching the truth.......the truth is, he's missing a party.

We went to see the movie Fast Food Nation. It was interesting, disturbing and graphic. The message was clear: the fast food industry is corrupted AND burgers contain fecal material. There was some sex in the flick too, which did nothing to add to the overall message, except to point out that it's another tool to manipulate, threaten and hurt the vulnerable, but didn't we already know that? We left fifteen minutes before the movie ended. I had enough meat, murder, and sex for my liking. The Observer was intrigued but decided to leave with me. That guy...

I am craving, chocolate, french fries, red wine and coffee. I think it's my time of the month. I had a chocolate craving so severe it was embarrassing. The Observer got some of his Mom's yummy cookies from the freezer. I felt so much better after they went into my tummy.

The Observer must want to strangle me sometimes or at least wonder what planet I'm from. He never really complains. He's very sweet. He's even missing a party tomorrow. I better go call him. I want to tell him I love him and not to eat hamburgers very often. Oh,'s not too late to change his mind and go to the party.


Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Small things in a big world...

My stomach hurts.

I try to start each post with something positive, but I'm not feeling so cheery.

My stomach hurts.

Today I was in the grocery store. I was in line to pay for my Sunlight dish soap and lettuce. This 25-year-old girl walked past me and tripped on my wheelchair. She yelped like a puppy and looked up at me, stunned. I think she thought I kicked her. I can't even walk lady. How can I kick? She just stared at me frozen for a few minutes. I think she mumbled a sorry. I did too. I hope she's OK. The whole incident was pretty embarrassing for both of us.

On my way back to my apartment, I saw a little girl who lives in my old building with her mother. She's the kind of girl who isn't afraid to find out your business and tell you hers at the same time. She's cute. She recognized me right away and threw her arms around me. It was sweet. Little people rock. She made me forgot all about the lady who tripped.

We saw Borat yesterday. I did laugh a lot, but it was a guy's movie all the way. The Observer LOVED it....that's what counted. He needed his spirits lifted.

I went to the Observer's niece's first birthday party this past weekend. She's so cute! Sitting in her high chair, she daintily licked off the icing of her first piece of chocolate cake. Realizing how good the cake was, she picked up the whole piece and shoved it in her little mouth. We laughed and laughed. She just kept eating. She probably thought we were crazy. Whenever I see her, I'm amazed at how she grows and explores everything. I, like her whole family, have a strong urge to protect her from anything unpleasant or uncomfortable. She's so small, and the world is so big.

I guess we all start out small and slowly grow more able to cope with life.

My stomach hurts, but I'm big enough to live with it.


Thursday, November 16, 2006

Falling upon good books and (almost) out of chairs...

I can't stop reading my new book. It's called The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards. My sister gave it to me for my birthday. It's about fraternal twins and the girl has Downs Syndrome. Due to her condition, her father (a doctor) wants her away, so he tells a nurse to take her to a home for disabled children. Instead the nurse keeps the disabled baby and moves away. Meanwhile, the baby's mother is told by her husband that their baby girl died at birth. He think he's saving his wife from heartache.

It's twisty, and believable, given the story is set in 1965.

I started reading the book three hours ago and I'm on page 83. I wish I could do reading for school so fast. I'd be so much smarter.

On another note, you know how you want to laugh at something, but it is considered rude in some cases? Like when someone slips and falls flat on his/her bottom (and isn't hurt?)

Today one of my very big (and annoying) attendants went to sit on a small, slightly rickety chair. I wanted to tell her that it might break, but couldn't be so blunt. Thankfully she realized the potential danger herself and didn't sit in the chair, telling me she didn't trust it. I laughed just a little, only because she is lazy, rude and intimidating. If she were nice, it wouldn't be funny at all.


Good Thursdays...

Rain, rain, go away! Come again another day!

Well, the rain is here. It's a dark, damp day. On the upside, it's Thursday!

I love Thursdays because:

  • Friday is the next day.
  • My two favourite shows are on TV.
  • I usually get to see the Observer the next night (which means a glass of red wine and some "quality" time.)
  • I often have one more sleep until I get to see my family.
  • I get to sleep in.
  • I have (mostly) good attendants.
  • I usually eat a yummy, dinner because I have more time for it to be cooked.
  • I always have a long, hot shower in the morning.
  • I am usually free of my frequent tummy troubles.
  • Sometimes I go to bed late.
  • Lots of people seem to call, making me feel important.
  • I never feel rushed.

I was in a bad mood yesterday. I'm glad that changed. I like myself better today. Isn't that weird? Oh well, I'm not going to question myself. I'll never find the answer, so I'll just be happy.


U & UR HAND...

Check it out
Going out
On the late night
Looking tight
Feeling nice
It's a cock fight
I can tell
I just know
That it's going down
At the door we don't wait
cause we know them
At the bar six shots just beginning
That's when dickhead put his hands on me
But you see
I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it began
Keep your drink
just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight
I'm drunk I don't give a f**k
Wanna dance by myself
Guess you're outta luck
Don't touch
back up
I'm not the one
Listen up
it's just not happening
You can say what you want to your boyfriends
Just let me have my fun tonight
CHORUS I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it began
Keep your drink
just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight
Break break
Break it down
In the corner with your boys
you bet up five bucks
To get the girl that just walked in
but she thinks you suck
We didn't get all dressed up just for you to see
So quit spilling your drinks on me
(You know who you are High fivin, talkin shit, but you're going home alone aren't cha?)
Cause I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
(Just stop and take a second)
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it began
Keep your drink
just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight
(It's just you and your hand)
I'm not here for your entertainment
No no no
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
(Just take a second)
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it began
Keep your drink
just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

A day of zero until tomorrow...

Have you ever been on a plane? Stung by a bee? Eaten squid? Written something that's been published? Taken the train? Had a near death experience?

I did very little today and none of the things I just listed of course. You know those days where you have really good intentions, but by afternoon, you know they sounded better than actual reality?

I couldn't sleep well last night. I was boiling in my bed. I have serious sweating issues. My whole family does. I LOVE to sleep with covers up to my chin, all snugly. It's very comforting. As I started to feel toasty and glisten in body juice (sweat), I told myself I'd cool down eventually. I was very wrong. I didn't cool down. I got even hotter. I was fantasizing about jumping into big, freezing pool of ice cubes. Brrr! My temperature regulated eventually, but I still couldn't catch any shut eye. It must be a Tuesday thing. Last Tuesday I stayed up all night. At least this time I was making an effort to sleep.

I estimate that I drifted off around 3 a.m. My eyes opened at 7 a.m. I dreamt that the Observer and I were having some type of crisis. I vaguely recall that he was "sick and tired of me being so bossy and critical" and said adios. It was weird and unsettling. I was going to call him early just to say hello, but decided not to.

Maybe I subconsciously dreamed about the Observer leaving because yesterday I was a little bossy. I have no trouble telling him what I think. I guess that's healthy, but he probably wishes I kept my thoughts to myself more. One of my goals is to let the Observer be. He is very smart and can function without my opinions all the time. Besides, the Observer already has the wisdom and guidance of his Mom; he doesn't need another one.

We are supposed to be getting a downpour of showers tonight. It might be rainy tomorrow, but I plan to go out and for some fancy coffee. One day of being unproductive is OK, but not two, especially when I could try some new and adventurous activities like taking the train or eating squid.


Tuesday, November 14, 2006

An e-mail sent from Dad...

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty. He said no. She asked him if he would want to be with her forever. He said no. She then asked him if she were to leave, would he cry? Once again, he replied with a no. She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face, the boy grabbed her arm and said, "You're not pretty. You're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away, I'd die."

He ended with, "I like you because of who you are to me - a true friend."

Ice cream...

It's 12:43 a.m. I'm a bit tired. Not a lot. I am thinking about how I love my boyfriend. Everyone loves him. He's awesome. I know he cares about me. I can tell. He shows it often. I'm lucky.

The first time we went out he kissed my forehead. That's when I knew he was someone worth getting to know.

The next day I sent him these lyrics from If You're Gone by Matchbox 20:

I think we should try
I think I could need -
this in my life
I think I'm just scared -
that I know too much

If he didn't know I liked him before, he certainly did then.

Last year we got stuck in the rain and my wheelchair stalled. It was freezing. My boyfriend and I panicked. Once inside, he broke down. I was worried. Someone said to me, "He's OK. He's just worried about you." I learned that day that for a relationship to work, love has to be double-sided.

I know I'm not the prettiest or simpliest girl to be with. I know I am overly concerned with getting fat, but my boyfriend accepts my crazy self.

Last week my boyfriend put ice cream in my freezer for me. I can't really put ice cream away myself. He said something like, "Thank goodness you have me {to help you}."

At first I was insulted. I don't need to be reminded of things I can't do. Plus, I am not with my boyfriend to gain physical help. I took his comment as a put-down towards me and my physical limitations. I should have known better.

The right (and true) thing to say would have been, "Yes, I am lucky you're here. I love you."

There's a song lyric that says, Your love is better than ice cream......"

It's true, but ice cream lessons are important.


Friday, November 10, 2006

Bugs in my bed... (Ewwww!)

So, what's with big, ugly bug, right?
It's a bed bug, a bug that is found in a bed. (LOL!) There are bed bugs in my building. Ewwwww! I HATE bugs! Just thinking about little creepy crawlies makes me itchy and squirmy.
A few evenings ago, I made the stupid decision to stay up all night. I was stressed out with work, school and life. I had deadlines and responsibilities. My mind was busy (muddled). I knew it wasn't going to slow down very easily for sleep and I knew I didn't have long to do that. I figured I might as well stay up all night. It seemed better than anxiously lying in bed waiting for the hours to pass.
I listened to tunes on the radio, wrote a long e-mail, brushed my chompers (teeth), opened and read my mail, and watched three hours of taped TV programs. Not a bad use of time, huh?
As I brushed my teeth, I noticed a wee, brown critter on the bathroom counter. My heart stopped. I knew it was a bed bug.
Trying not to panic, I busied myself with watching the prostitutes outside my window. I felt sorry for them standing there in the rain.
I forgot all about the little bug - until I saw another one. He was crawling around the table in my sun room.
I told someone I trust about my scary sightings. She told me to relax and keep my eyes (and senses) open.
Last night was the first night I slept in my bed since I saw the two critters. I kept feeling itchy, but maybe it was just in my head. Like most people, I like to sleep "unbugged."
I don't want to cause an unnecessary bug massacre, but one more sighting, and those suckers will be history!
I felt disgusting after my sleepless night. I couldn't keep my eyes open and was grumpy. I guess there's a reason we're supposed to sleep; maybe so we don't see the critters hiding between the cracks in our walls.