Monday, January 30, 2006

An OK day...

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on
BAD DAY (Daniel Powter)

You know when you're day isn't wonderful, not horrible, but just not the best? That's how I feel on this not-too-wintery Monday.

I think it's good to be OK. My life isn't in crisis, going super fast, or totally halted. It's peaceful, sometimes uneventful, but never dull. I have family, love, and independence, so no complaints.

I like having no drama to speak of, just a rumbling tummy. I know a lot of gurls talk about this, but I feel a bit like a bloated, fat, greasy pig. I guess I have a few complaints after all. I know it will pass........Tomorrow is another day.



Saturday, January 28, 2006


Saturday is almost done. My day was good. I hung with the Observer, had a Starbucks coffee, saw Cheaper By The Dozen II, and ate some of his mother's AMAZING food. The movie was cute, funny, light-hearted and sometimes cheezy- perfect to watch with someone you love. It's not much different than the first one.

I also went out for sushi with my family. I haven't had it in sooo long, but I was pretty full from the Observer's house, so I didn't pig out like I usually do. Avocado maki is the greatest. When it came time to order, this sweet, Japanese waiter looked at me and said, "Avocado maki for you?" I guess she has served me before. Given that I already come equiped with my own seat, I suppose I'm hard to forget. Have you ever had yummy food in front of you, but you're full and you KNOW the next day you're going to regret not packing it in? Ahhh, the feeling of guttony! How lucky we are to be able to overindulge.

Mom and I fought today. Since I moved out a few years ago, we have been getting along better, but sometimes my mouth still gets a little wild. There are times when we push each other and she still treats me like a kid. I know she is only acting on instinct and love, and I am lucky that she cares. It's hard to remember this in the heat of the moment, so I often get angry. Can't she see that I'm doing the best I can? I may live a bit differently than she would, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong, does it?

Deep down, I'm just frustrated. Haven't I proved that I'm an adult? Inside of saying this, I usually snap, complain, curse, or say something else not helpful. I regret saying what I do as soon as the words come out. Next time I will think before speaking.......

Here's to peaceful conversations with protective, but loving mothers.


Friday, January 27, 2006


A Moment
If You Please
Moments Can Be Short
Moments Can Be Long
There Are Moments Of Joy
Moments Of Sorrow
Moments Of Passion
Moments You'll Never Forget
Moments Youve Already Forgotten
Moments You Didn't Get
There Are Awkward Moments
Senior Moments
Moments Of Truth
And Momentary Lapses In Judgment
People Who Ask For A Moment
Share A Moment
I Need A Moment
You Got A Moment?
Wait A Moment
You Can Take A Moment
Make A Moment
Spoil A Moment
And If All The Stars Line
In The Right Moment,
That Moment
Can Be Perfect Moments
Can Define You Moments
Can Delight You
And Moments Can Change Your Life
Heres To The Moment
And Squeezing All You Can
Out Of Every Last Single One Of Them

- By Glen Hunt

When a lost, lonely girl logged on....

don’t take your life away,
I think you’d rather stay,
then follow me into the alleyway,
we were passers on the street,
I never thought we’d meet until I said,"
How do you do, my love?",
Simonize (PETE YORN)

I tape Oprah every day. Sometimes I watch it. Sometimes I tape over it. The last few days, I've watched it. On Wednesday, I caught the last half hour. There was this distraught family blamming a pro-choice website for encouraging their daughter to commit suicide ending her battle with depession. I felt horrible for the girl's family who recieved an impersonal, matter-of-fact e-mail from her after her death. I guess the girl wrote the e-mail and set it up so her family would get it too late to save her. So sad, so caculated, so morbid. They were blamming the pro-choice website for the girl's death.

While I'm in no position to judge a grieving family, I do have an opinion that may be unpopular. Oprah pointed out that the website is pro-choice, meaning that the girl went there on her own free will. No one forced her. I have to say that once someone starts posting on a website encouraging suicide, I think he or she is pretty far gone. This girl's problems were a result of serious, hidden, long-term depression, an illness requiring treatment. This is what drove her to kill herself. The website was secondary. I truly believe that when people have reached the end of their rope and want to die, they will find a way, whether a pro-choice website is involved or not.

The Internet is full of material that we should not be able to access. Websites advocating suicide are an example. Awareness about these sites is important, and changes must be made to stop the unstable from letting go, without giving help a chance. However, I think the bigger issue is that a teenage girl was in trouble and no one noticed. Perhaps, instead of giving suicide tips, the site should be made into one that offers signs and symptoms of depression. Maybe if this happens, there will less people who feel as if there is no way out.


Thursday, January 26, 2006

Comet, Comet, where did you go?

A few days ago I needed Comet, an old, reliable bathroom cleaner. My porcelin thrown was due for a scrub and a good shinning. I like to respect the place I relax and let it out. I headed to the drugstore to get some of the green powder I grew up watching my Mom use on her "cleaning Mondays". I remember Comet in a shiny, green, shaker-type container, but apparentely we've upgraded to spray bottles and scented spray. I guess I'm old. On the way to the grocery store, I saw a homeless man ranting and raving, a guy in a pink shirt with red leather pants, some suspiciously looking spaced out teenagers, some kids, and lots of elderly people. Crossing the street, I hit a bump the wrong way and almost ended up face first on the road. Thank God a nice lady steadied my wheelchair. The are nice people lurking among the city's weirdos.

In the grocery store, I found Javex, VIM, Mr. Clean, Lysol, but no Comet. This butcher boy tried to help, but he couldn't find Comet. I tried the Drugstore. Guess what I saw? Javex, VIM, Mr. Crean, Lysol. Not Comet. I headed to Hasty Market where I found, you guessed it, Javex, VIM, Mr. Clean, Lysol, still no Comet anywhere.

Cold and frustrated, I headed back to the grocery store and settled on a no-name cleaner. After all the searching with no luck, I didn't really care what kind of cleaner I got. I just wanted something to clean my white bowl.

I came home to find sausage meat in my bag. The check-out chick was too chatty, and wasn't really watching what she was doing. I don't really eat sausage. Sombody, somewhere is looking for the sausage meat they paid for and I scammed for free. Why did it have to be sausage? Why couldn't it be a bag of apples?

The whole Comet searching ordeal was a bust, but at least I was on a mission, though unsuccessful. I can't help but wonder, in a city with streetcars, subways, grocery stores, drug dealers, prostitues, and boutiques, where the heck is Comet?

See ya!


Monday, January 23, 2006

Monday, music, and movies

After a good weekend, Monday is here.

I saw Last Holiday yesterday. Queen Latifia did not disappoint. It was a feel-good flick that made me want to eat junk more often. The movie's message was to live each doing, eating, and saying what we want, because we never know when our time will be up. I laughed a lot, and couldn't stop thinking about the cheezy, gooey pasta I ate for lunch. It was gooood! I also got the peanut butter brownie sundae for dessert. It is heaven in a bowl. If I ever have to pick my last meal, it will be a toss up between sushi and the peanut butter brownie sundae. By the end of the movie, I was in need of a caffiene fix, so a big cup of Starbucks made me smile. It was cool to hang with nice people and just chill. Coffee and good company just fit.

I'm listening to Ever The Same by Rob Thomas:
Fall on me
tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same........

So sweet!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Better Together...

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?
And how come we're so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better
when we're together.
Better Together (Jack Johnson)

I don't need a man to make me happy. I am fine and complete alone. That said, I am in a happy, loving relationship. To be honest, I can't imagine life without the Observer. He's such an important part of each day, and there are so many days that would be different if he weren't here. It's not like I lived a lonely, sad, single life, searching aimlessly for my other half. It felt like he just appeared and we were meant to be. Sounds cheesy, right? That's just how it went. Over the holidays, I saw Rumor Has It. There's this part where Jennifer Aniston is trying to win her ex back. He says that she can survive without him. She says, "I can, but I don't want to." I think that's how love goes. We can live single, but life is more meaningful when we share it with someone else.

A week ago, I was on my way to the movies with the Observer when my electric wheelchair froze in the pouring rain. We were both already cold. The Observer tried to ask people to help, but no one stopped or listened. As much as we've made progress in helping the disabled be productive in society, I still think people get scared or uncertain. We were both cold and freaked out. Luck kicked in and this super nice Transhelp driver just happened to driving by and he recognized us. He hugged both of us, pushed my 300 lbs wheelchair to the movies and came back to take us home. He was our angel in a big blue and white bus. As horribe as that afternoon was, I am glad I was with the Observer.

Last night the Observer and I had a late night phone chat. I was lying in bed and I felt so close to him even though he wasn't with me. I fell asleep peacefully knowing that he knew I loved him. I would have liked it better if he were falling asleep beside me, but I can't have it all. Everything from talking on the phone to getting stuck in the rain is better with him.


Saturday, January 21, 2006

Dazed and confused....

I've been bored lately. School took a backseat this year. I put adjusting, figuring life out, having fun, finding myself, building relationships, and staying healthy in the front seat. TV is only exciting for so long. After a while, all the shows have the same characters, plot and style. Going for coffee is nice, but only when I feel like I deserve it, and after a day of chilling in front of the tube, I just don't feel worthy of my cup of bought java. I do work a bit. I don't make a lot of cash, though I do enjoy it. My apartment is pretty clean, because I have all the time in the world to keep it that way. Somehow, that doesn't make me feel proud; it makes me sad.
I feel as though I ought to be doing more. I always liked school, but lately, I've been discouraged, not knowing where it will lead. Reading started becoming just words. Classes became just listening. I got tired. I want to do something now. I don't what that is, but I want to find it.
If I could, I'd love to work at a coffee shop, but the physical stuff would be hard.
At night, I lie in bed and wonder:
  • Will I find a job that I like?
  • Will I make a difference?
  • Will I become money hungry?
  • Is my uni education worth anything?

I spent the day hanging with Dad. It was nice. My parents kindly gave me their computer for now, and Dad set it up for me. He always comes to my rescue. Dad is my favourite coffee buddy. It just tastes better when he's with me.

My days of 'not much' won't be forever. I know I'll get somewhere. I just have to figure out which road to take. I'm wondering if maybe we have to get lost for a little while before we know where to go.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Being Twenty-Something....

Still no computer, and not much else happening. I guess that's good.....

Here's a foward that has been making rounds for years. I'm not sure who wrote it, but I like it. I know this is LOOONG, but it's exactly how I feel today. If you read the whole thing, you rock!


They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

One-night-stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself...and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.....

- Unknown -

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I'm back.....for now at least

Earth parted
Broke up into pieces and...
There's a chance I could have missed it
I could have risked it
But I put myself into your hands
Cause you're not just anyone
You're a ladder to the sun
You're not just anyone
You're a ladder to the sun

So it's been a while.....

My computer is unfixable. It's like it suffered a heart attack. It was working fine and then BAM! I will get a new one eventually. Life's pretty quiet without it. Nothing lasts forever, but my computer had too short of a life.

My holidays were nice. Lots of socializing, watching DVDs and eating sugary, fatty foods. I saw RUMOR HAS IT, a major chick flick, but a cute feel-good way to spend a few hours. I also saw SOME of the movie MUNICH, an important, but extremely violent and bloody account of terrorism. After seeing more murder, blood, guts and gore than I wanted to, I decided to cure my caffiene craving and leave the movie to get some java. I did feel bad leaving the Observer, but I REALLY wasn't enjoying all the shooting, bombing and slaughtering. We met after the movie ended, and by then I was pumped up and ready for a nice dinner. At least he enjoyed the movie and I enjoyed my coffee as always. It only takes a two dollar cup of beans to put a smile on my face.....

I'm reading the book A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. It was an Oprah book club selection. Some of her choices are not my cup of tea, but this book is good. I looked at it for a long time in Coles. I wanted it, but decided I really didn't NEED the book. I left the store and sent the Observer back with my bank card to buy it two seconds later. I'm glad the Observer is sweet and that I bought it. The book is a raw, heartwrenching portrayal of the author's journey from addiction to recovery. He is being slammed for fabricating his criminal activity which is seen by some as lying. I say, so what if he stretched the truth a bit? The pain of addiction comes through loud and clear and we know he's been to the darkest of the dark and found light on the other side. Doesn't that matter more than whether he beat someone or stole a coat?

I don't know when I'll be back, but peace out.