Friday, March 03, 2006
A bad dream, a dirty girl, and philosophical thoughts...
I'm not sure what to write about today. Maybe that means there's really something interesting going on in my head, but it hasn't been processed yet.
I had a GOOD sleep. The kind where you wake up and think, "Ahhhh, that was just what I needed!" My night of snoozing did include a freaky dream where the Observer kissed this greasy, scanky-looking, bad dancer, shimmery-shirted girl right in front of me. It was strange, scary and just unbelievable. First of all, the shimmery-shirted girl was not pretty. I'm MUCH better looking (LOL). Second of all, the Observer would NEVER do anything like that. I know he loves me. I certainly love him. I know he knows that too.
Well, the dream woke me with a start- or a jolt to be honest. How sweet it is to open your eyes and realize whatever you thought was reality is not. This only holds true for BAD dreams though. You know how sweet dreams leave us wishing we could go back to sleep or somehow turn our dreams into the present? This doesn't happen to me much. The dreams I remember are almost always traumatic. Maybe my life is sweet enough.
I don't really feel down about being a wheelchar user, except when nature calls and then screams at me to answer, but I can't answer because I need help. Sometimes I just sit there uncomfortable. Wost case scenario is an embarrassing, gross incident....This was the unfortunate situation yesterday....ewww! nasty! yuck! Enough said! It was UGLLLY....Just be glad you weren't here. The rare times this happens, I feel sad, frustrated and helpless, but it never lasts long. A good song helps lift my spirits.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the idea that everything happens for a reason. I used to agree, but now I'm not so sure. Now I think some things just happen, because life just happens before our eyes. It's faith, love, support, and the courage to keep moving that help us deal with harsh reality. I think I could spend my life trying to learn why I'm disabled and never find it. Is our life determined by a series of preplanned events and regardless of what we do, we're commited to a specific destiny? I hope not. Call me niave, but I like to think the choices we make impact our future. There's a plaque in my bedroom that says, "Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." I think it's true.
I bought the plaque a year and a half ago. I bought it for myself, because I REALLY wanted it. I hung it on the kitchen wall and never regretted buying it. I moved and hung the plaque on my new kitchen wall. On a particularly bad Monday, I came home to find the plaque shattered in pieces. My day turned from bad to horrible.
About five months after we had began dating, the Observer gave me a present. It was my plaque. I'm glad the orginal broke. I like the one he gave me better.
Well, I guess I did have a lot to say! Have a nice weekend.