Sunday, April 30, 2006

Cold and frosty morning,
There’s not a lot to say,
About the things caught in my mind,
And as the day was dawning,
My plane flew away,

With all the things caught in my mind,
I don’t wanna be there when your, coming down,
I don’t wanna be there when you hit the ground,
So don’t go away,

Say what you say,
Say that you’ll stay,
Forever and a day,
In the time of my life,
Cos I need more time,
Yes I need more time just to make things right

Damn my situation and the games I have to play,
With all the things caught in my mind,
Damn my education I can’t find the words to say,
With all the things caught in my mind,
I don’t wanna be there when your, coming down,
I don’t wanna be there when you hit the ground,

So don’t go away,
Say what you say,
Say that you’ll stay,
Forever and a day,
In the time of my life,
Cos I need more time,
Yes I need more time just to make things right.

Me and you what’s going on,
All we seem to know is how to show,
The feelings that I wrote.
So don’t go away,
Say what you say,
Say that you’ll stay,
Forever and a day,

In the time of my life,
Cos I need more time,
Yes I need more time just to make things right.
And don’t go away,
Say what you say,
Say that you’ll stay,
Forever and a day,

In the time of my life,
Cos I need more time,
Yes I need more time just to make things right,
Yes I need more time just to make things right,
Yes I need more time just to make things right,
So don’t go away.


Thursday, April 27, 2006

Life and loss...

It's been a rough few days. I don't know what we're supposed to feel, but I've felt a lot of things. A big part of my past is gone. Everyone says to leave the past behind me, but I've never really been good at that. I get over people, let go and move on, but it takes me a long time. Love stays with me. Maybe it does with all of us.

Life isn't fair. It ended too soon for my former boyfriend. His death puts into perspective what is important. At his funeral, I thought of this quote, "The measure of our lives is not what happens to us, but how we respond." I am lucky to be here, for my family and friends, for love, my education and my future.

I feel like something should be different because the world lost someone special. Nothing around me has changed. I have.


Monday, April 24, 2006

He Only Takes The Best...

He Only Takes The Best
A heart of gold stopped beating.
Two shining eyes at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best.
Little did we know that morning.
The sorrow the day would bring.
The end was sudden, the shock severe.
We never knew that death was so near.
When days are sad and lonely,
And evening shadows fall.
We hear your voice and see your face.
Your sweet memory lingers on.
God knew you had to leave us.
But you didn't go alone.
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.
- Unknown
* NOTE: My former boyfriend died a few days ago at the age of 23. I am shocked and heartbroken. We were together for three years. My mind is flooded with happy and sad memories. I feel for his family, lovely and warm people. Our break-up was messy and painful. I made mistakes and have regrets, but I feel blessed to have been a part of his life. I've learned over the last few days that love may change, but it never goes away. -OCG*

Friday, April 21, 2006

Just you & me...

I just spent the afternoon and evening with the Observer. We see each other a lot. Our regular Friday night routine is hang out near my apartment in the heart of the city and all its craziness. This hadn't happened in a while due to other committments. We've seen each other, but not been able to have quality alone time.

I forgot how much I missed just being the two of us. I forgot how much I missed singing at the top of my lungs. I forgot how much I missed holding hands with no one around. I forgot how much I missed laughing my head off and not having to explain why. I forgot how much I missed kissing the Observer's cheek. I forgot how much I missed a good heart-to-heart with someone who really understands. I forgot how much I missed being close.

I don't think I will ever forget how much I love the Observer. That's impossible. I did, however, get caught up in everyday life and forgot the importance of intimacy in all its forms. I think this is easy to do. Life gets busy. There are things to do, places to go, and people to see. We forget how important it is to connect with those we love.

No matter how stressed out I feel, some good quality fun or affection makes everything better. That's the thing about love or friendship; anytime, anywhere, it can add a little brightness to a cloudy day. We just have to remind ourselves that it's there.


Thursday, April 20, 2006

Sitting at a computer on a sunny Thursday!

It's beautiful outside - so much sun. I've been stuck to the computer today. I stupidly waited until late last night to check my e-mail only to find lots of e-mails needing a reply. I had to hit the sack, but went thinking about all the things I needed to do today. It's hard to sleep with a racing mind. It would have been better to check my e-mail earlier yesterday, done what needed doing, and gone to sleep worry-free.

My job is kind of unpredictable. The pace picks up fast and I have to be ready to roll with it. I guess most jobs are like this. I enjoy what I do. There's a lot of feedback and writing involved. I always have feedback ready and waiting for whoever is willing to hear it. I have a big mouth for many reasons. I write and discuss transition for youth with disabilities for a project headed by a children's centre in Toronto. I think I was hired because of my life experince, which isn't a bad thing. It's not very hard to talk and write about my everyday life.

In an effort to be less resentful about all the work I had to do today, I blared my stero. It worked, but I still wished I was outside. My day is cut in half because I'm going home.

Last night I ate WAY too much junk. I promised myself today I'd be controlled. So far I've had a homemade bran muffin. They're tasty and helpful if you know what I mean.

Happy sunshine wherever you are!


Wednesday, April 19, 2006

When the grass is greener the next day...

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes,
yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, now I’ve met you
And honey you should know,
that I could never go on without you

Green eyes
Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk

I think you should know
That green eyes,
you’re the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who,
tried to deny you must be out of their mind
Green Eyes (COLDPLAY)

My Dad drove downtown to fix my wheelchair controller. It was a long drive for him. He didn't have to do it, but he did it anyway. Sometimes I hesitate to tell my parents that I need them. I know they will drop everything to help me. I am blessed with people who love me. I love them just as much. When it comes to my wheelchair getting fixed , I usually don't fool around. I can't get far without it.

Dad came loaded up with homemade turkey soap, crackers, and cookies courtesy of Mom. Parents are the greatest. Dad fixed my wheelchair and picked up my automatic door opener from the superintendent. What was once broken, now works!

I was just listening to Green Eyes and fittingly drinking green tea. I forgot how much I love that song and how much I love green tea.

After yesterday's frustrations, today was pretty sweet. I hope every bad day can be followed by a day like this one.


Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Don't be thanked for smoking...

I'm tired. The weekend was good, full of great company and way too much food. I didn't overindulge in chocolate and didn't crave it as usual. What's up with me? Maybe it's because I stuffed my face with everything but chocolate.

This morning I spilled my coffee everywhere. It made a huge mess and I only got about three sips before my cup toppled. I knew it was going be one of those days. My wheelchair controller is busted making it hard to drive. I had a bad headache from lack of coffee by mid morning. I was cranky all afternoon and knew I had to get some caffiene in me. Under normal circumstances, Starbucks coffee bothers my stomach, but I didn't care. It was time for the real stuff. The large dark roast Starbucks coffee I ordered cured my headache and moodiness. I felt like my old self.

Even with a super dose of caffiene flowing through my body, Thank You For Smoking just didn't grab the attention of myself or the Observer. We just coudn't get into it and left. We've NEVER done that before. It was just too slow. I think it's about this tobacco lobbiest and the power of advertising over addiction. That's just a guess remember, because I did only see about half an hour of the whole movie. We decided to go eat instead. I had, you guessed it- a buttered bagel. This time only one half was buttered. I felt a bit less guilty this week about the bagel, but it didn't taste as good.

For a day that started off badly, it ended fine. There are always going to be less-than-good, movies, mornings and events. That's life, but at least there are good people and strong cups of coffee to balance out what could be better. I'm glad I don't smoke too. I like to have white teeth and fresh breath.


Saturday, April 15, 2006

Happy Chocolate Bunny Day!

Well, it's Easter time again! I love Easter! Since I left home, I value the holidays a great deal. It's all about family. Yesterday I went to church and kissed the cross. I have a bad habit of giggling anytime and anywhere we shouldn't. I almost laughed a few times yesterday, but held it in.

I saw Yours, Mine, and Ours. I had a feeling it was going to be a feel-good, light, Bradey Bunch type of movie and it was. It reminded me of Cheaper By The Dozen I and II, the don't-tell-anyone-I'm-watching-this-and-laughing kind of movie. It was cute and cheesy all at the same time. I watched the movie on the Observer's pay-per-view network. That boy can watch movies anytime he wants to. If I could afford it, pay-per-view would be nice to have, but then I wouldn't get anything productive done. Maybe there are advantages to being financially challenged.

Every Easter I eat WAY too much chocolate and every Easter I say I will control myself. Every Easter I lose it and eat every chocolate sweet I can get my hands on. It's so bad that I've gotten a nasty stie (sp?) in my eye. I read sties can be caused by too much chocolate. That would make sense.

This Easter I'm trying something different. I'm telling myself that I can have as much chocolate as I want. Doing this might take away the forbidden element of eating chocolate. Maybe this might make me want it less. I realize this might totally backfire and I might go hog wild eating Easter eggs, but what have I got to lose, right?

My attendant this morning is known for experimenting with my hair. She tried to put it in this bun-like sweep at the top of my head and spent quite a while working on it. It looks weird and kind of like I just rolled out of bed, which would have been a much faster way of geeting the same effect. I would have been happier with a ponytail. She is sweet and meant well, which is all that matters.

Well, I'm all packed up with laundry ready to head home. I look like a traveller. It will be good to go home. It's been a week since I've seen Mom and Dad. I've missed them. I should buy Mom some flowers. The question is, how will they make it home alive? I've been told it's the thought that counts. If that's true, I'm thinking of trying to control my chocolate intake this weekend. If I go crazy, does the fact that I thought about controlling myself count?

Happy Easter to you!


Thursday, April 13, 2006

My dolphin ring...

This morning I was drinking my coffee and my dolphin ring slipped off my finger. I heard a clank and made a mental note to ask someone to pick it up for me. Well, sometimes my mental notes get erased. I realized just a few hours ago that I still hadn't found it.

Thinking that it was gone made me sad. I've had that ring for nine years. My sister gave it to me when I was fourteen. I rarely take it off. We've been through a lot together, me and my ring. It's silver and the dolphins look like joining groves. People have to take a close look to know what the groves are. My ring represents a lot of things in life; sometimes we discount what is right in front of us until we look closer and realize their value.

I just found my ring under a chair in the kitchen. I'm glad to have it back. It's important to me - today I realized how important.


* A blogger by the name of Snake Hunters made a comment that I decided to delete because it was not relative, but I would like to respond to its nature. Snake Hunters was surprised that I expected someone to retrive my ring for me. While I wish I could pick up my ring myself, I cannot because I have Cerebral Palsy, a condition resulting from lack of oxygen at birth that impairs motor function, purposeful movement and mobility. I rely on attendants to help me do things I am physically unable to do myself. I am grateful for my independence and the help that I recieve each day. As the intro on my blog states, I use a wheelchair. My hope for Snake Hunters is that he thinks and reads key info before responding to posts in the future. Cheers! OCG *

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Life Uncommon...

Don’t worry mother
It’ll be alright
And don’t worry sister
Say your prayers and sleep tight
And it’ll be fine
Lover of mine

It’ll be just fine
And lend your voices only
To sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength
To that which you wish
To be free from
Fill your lives
With love and bravery
And you shall lead
A life uncommon

I’ve heard your anguish
I’ve heard your hearts cry out
We are tired, we are weary
But we aren’t worn out
Set down your chains
Until only faith remains
Set down your chains

And lend your voices only
To sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength
To that which you wish
To be free from
Fill your lives
With love and bravery
And we shall lead
A life uncommon

There are plenty of people
Who pray for peace
But if praying were enough
It would’ve come to be
Let your words enslave no one

And the heavens will hush themselves
To hear our voices ring out clear
With sounds of freedom
Sounds of freedom

Come on you unbelievers
Move out of the way
There is a new army coming
And we are armed with faith
To live, we must give
To live

And lend our voices only
To sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength
To that which we wish
To be free from
Fill your lives
With love and bravery

And we shall lead...
And lend our voices only
To sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength
To that which we wish
To be free from

Fill your lives
With love and bravery
And we shall lead
A life uncommon
Life Uncommon (JEWEL)

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Bagels with butter...

It's a sunny nice day outside. That makes me happy. I couldn't sleep well last night. I had drank two cups of coffee and green tea. That's a lot of caffiene. I enjoy my hot beverages.

Something both weird and nice just happened. One of my attendants (a person who is paid to help me with personal care) just stopped by with a message for me. She knows my cousin and my cousin says hello. I no longer speak to my cousin because of family problems with our parents. It's a messy situation where hearts and bonds were broken. I'm not exactly sure why, but it makes me sad. My cousin and I are the same age, but we've never really clicked. Even still, she's my cousin and she says hi. That's nice. I hope she's doing well. It's funny how people who are estranged from our parents often become estranged from us too.

I just got home from seeing the Observer. I miss him. We had a good talk. It's dark now. The day is done. It had just started when I begun writing this. I realized today that time passes too quickly, and that a bagel with butter is yummy. I think I'll eat more buttered bagels. Life's too short not to.



Sunday, April 09, 2006

365 days...

Today is the one year anniversary of when the Observer and I starting dating. It feels like we've been together forever. I mean that in a good way. When we're hanging out, it seems as though we've been doing this all our lives. It's smooth and it works. He smells good, has sparkling white teeth, a shiny bald head and most important, he is kind and treats me well. When he laughs, I have to laugh too. We've known each other casually for years but our aquaintance-like relationship changed when we started talking often about a year and half ago. The Observer is one of those people who is nice to everyone, so it was hard for me to know if he was into me. I tried hard to convince myself that we were just friends, but that only worked for so long.

When we went on our first date, the Observer kissed my forehead. He won me over in that moment. After that, we were more than friends.

You know how sometimes you look at yourself now and you're nowhere near where you thought you'd be? That's how I feel. Five years ago, if someone asked me if I thought I'd be with Observer, I'd say no, just because our lives never collided. Sometimes life is surprising, but somehow we end up exactly where we are supposed to be. In 365 days, I've never doubted where I am.

At my grandpa's 80th birthday, he had one candle still lit on his cake. I like to think the candle repesented his 30+ years of marriage to my grandmother and the support they've given each other over the years. They've had tough times, but every couple does. When I'm 80 years old, I hope there is one candle on my cake for the Observer.


Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Please Listen...

Please Listen
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.

Don't talk or do—just hear me.

Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,
then I can stop tying to convince you and get about this business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.
Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people – because God is mute, and he doesn't give advice or try to fix things.
God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.
So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn— and I will listen to you.
- Unknown

Just one second...

Do you ever feel like you don't know where you're going? To avoid getting lost, you stay still, going nowhere. That's how I feel. I want to finish school and get a job, but it's scary. What if I can't find one? All that work and money and nothing to show for it. I've been feeling lazy lately. I want to do something worthwhile, but I'm tired of the pressure and rush of school. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

My dream job would be to work in a trendy coffee shop. My disability makes that challenging. I used to live in an area where these friendly people chatted with the same customers everyday and memorized their orders. It was a really nice place to hang out. Cable guys, business men, teenagers, moms, and doctors walked in the door everyday. Almost everyone can find a reason to visit a coffee shop.

I've been saving a free coffee I won during Roll Up The Rim at Tim Hortons. It took me months of rolling up the rim to win anything. I think I'll use it this weekend. It should be an extra good coffee.

I finally saw the last episode of Sex and the City last night. I've been watching reruns for years and was dying to see how it ended. It was good. I always feel sad when a great show ends. I felt that way last night, even though the show actually ended three years ago. Silly, I know.

I'm going home in about an hour for a few days. My Grandpa turns eighty on Friday. We're having a party. His memory isn't great. I hope he doesn't get too confused by his party. If he has a happy birthday for one second, I'll be glad.

I wonder what I'll be like when I'm eighty years old. I hope I still have teeth and that I decided to stop staying still.


Tuesday, April 04, 2006

A rude awakening...

This morning I had to call for a ride on public transit at 5 am. Wheelchair transit is not like the kind most people use. It has to be booked early in the morning the day before it's needed. Well, yesterday I booked wrong. My brain must have farted. To fix my error, I awoke at the crack of dawn and spoke to a rude, yelling, cackley woman who wasted no time pointing out my error. Her name was Doris. I hate that name now. Yelling should NOT be allowed before 9 a.m. Who did Doris think she was? I was frowning at her rudeness the whole time I drank my morning coffee.

I never ended up going out. I was supposed to hang out with the Observer. I missed him and felt bad for unintentionally standing him up. I missed him even more when he left me a sweet message saying hello. I’m glad not everyone is like Doris. Some people still have phone manners.

It's not the first time Doris has been rude to me on the phone. It's taken me all day, but I'm finally starting to let the whole thing go. Maybe Doris has a tough life. Maybe her dog just died. Maybe she has allergies. I don't know, so I'm not going to give her any more energy today.

I'm in the mood for my second cup of coffee today, and this time I'll be smiling while I drink it.


Monday, April 03, 2006

Again and again...

And if you will,
I will
Try to let it go

I ate too many crackers. For most people this isn't a big deal. It is for me. Being too full makes me feel greedy and gross. I like to eat just enough. Sometimes I get it wrong. I get too hungry and eat way too much. I'm working on it.

When I was younger, I wanted to shrink. Life was becoming more complicated. I thought that if I were smaller, things would be simplier. I was wrong. I started eating less. Soon I was eating almost nothing. I couldn't think of anything except food. Everything was more confusing.

I'm not small now, but I'm OK. I know who I am and what's important. I still want to disappear some days, but I know I still have a great deal to do.

My struggle with food and weight won't go away. I suppose we all have our own battles to fight. We can't always win. All there is left to do is keep trying. Crackers will always be there. I've accepted that. On a deeper level, maybe I've accepted myself.


Sunday, April 02, 2006


It's a sunny Sunday.
I haven't got much to say.
It looks like spring outside.
I love Sundays.

We turned back the clock last night.
Spring forward.
I feel cheated of sleep.
I know I'm not the only one.

Tonight I'm going to a wrestlemania party.
I don't know how to spell wrestlemania.
I've never really watched it.

I have to go catch a bus.
I feel like I'm always rushing.
But it seems like I never get anything done.
Maybe that's why I rush.


Saturday, April 01, 2006

Just enough...

It's Saturday. It's also the first day of April. I'm hanging out, not doing much. I had a few days of R 'n' R at my parents' house. It felt good to get some sleep, good food and good company. Now I miss them. I guess that's the thing about being away from the people we love.

I just got paid. Everything went to pay off school. It always does. It sucks. I worked hard for that money. When I have money to spend, I'm going to buy Baby Bell cheese, red peppers, chocolate, organic fruit and vegetables, red wine, Hagen Daaz ice cream, green grapes, avocadoes and strawberries. It's not like I'm deprived of food right now. It's just that I don't buy top-of-the-line products or produce that's out of season. My Mom takes good care of me by freezing meals. She rocks. Home-made TV dinners are the best. I never get sick of stir-fry or vegetarian chilli. What would I do without Mom?

I get tired of scrapping by, but at least I can do that. I am able to pay my own bills, which is more than some people can say.

An annoymous comment was posted on my last entry saying how to make money shopping. I hate shopping. I try to only get what I need. If I could make money shopping, I'd try to buy only soap, apples, carrots, potatoes, bread, spinach, beans,coffee, toothpaste, almonds, lettuce and peanut butter (or nutella.) Those are things we all need. When I think about it, that's just enough.