Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Murder for Breakfast...

Remember Buford, my beautiful, white, strong, resilient goldfish? Well, if you recall, he was living with my parents high atop a shelf in my lavish bathroom where he recieved top quality attention and care. This morning, as usual, my mom went to give Buford breakfast only to find his bowl empty. It turns out Buford was tragically murdered by Jack, my parents' cat. I shudder to think of Buford's last moments. I do love Jack, but not today. Buford was NOT for breakfast.

For three years, Buford was a good friend, always listening and making me smile. I will miss his uniqueness and survivor-like spirit. RIP Buford.


One freaky man of God...

Here's a picture of the freaky monk from the DaVinci Code played by Paul Bettany. He was frighteningly believable, which means he was awesome. Thanks to the Observer for finding it for me.


Friday, May 26, 2006

Who Knew...

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes It harder
I wish I could remember

But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew
PINK (Who Knew)

Thursday, May 25, 2006


I guess we all reach that turning point.
We realize our life is now, so we'd better stop focusing on yesterday.

It's a scary thought- the rest of our lives.

No one really knows what lies ahead-
how long we have or what the future holds.
We just know that we're here now.

Somtimes mystery is sweet.
There's no time to worry, think twice, or dwell.
Things just happen.
Pleasant surprises and heartbreaking losses come our way.
We embrace, grieve, and let go.

Tomorrow is gone.


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

A crazy little secret...

I am HUNGRY! It's almost lunch time. I can't wait. Do you ever get hungry even though you just ate? I just had breakfast. I don't understand why my tummy says it's starving. I had toast with butter. I used to avoid butter because I thought it was fattening until I heard about Becel. It's made with a healthy kind of fat, monosaturated I think. Anyway, I usually choose natural peanut butter to go on my toast because it has protien and other healthy stuff in it, but every once in a while, I break out the Becel. It was good toast.

It's a nice day out. The sun is shinning. I have a few errands to do. I need paper towels, Advil, and a cup of coffee.

Yesterday the Observer and I went to Caseys after seeing the Da Vinici Code. Caseys has a mix of bar food and funky healthy choices like stir-fry and my favourite - sweet potato fries. I love them! They are so much better than regular fries - maybe because they are orange. I like to think they are healthier too, but they taste fried, which puts them in the same league as plain old french fries. I wish I could just eat and enjoy my food. I always worry. I worry about calories, fat, sugar and gaining weight. I am worrying about food that's already in my stomach. I know it's crazy, but it's just the way I am.

Later this afternon I'm going home for a few days even though I just came back. I'm a bit sad. I just got back to my stuff, my suroundings, my freedom. It is always nice to have company and I love my old room and bed. I feel like it's happy to have me back.

If you're reading this, peace, love and go try sweet potato fries!


Monday, May 22, 2006

May Movies...

Well, the May 2-4 weekend is almost over - just like that. I must be getting old with the way time is flying.

My weekend was good. I went to stay with my parents. It was nice as always. Besides eating, chatting, sleeping and the usual stuff at home, I checked out Shop Girl on DVD. It wasn't a blockbuster hit, but a thinker, which is good. The plot could be about any girl. I liked that. Steve Martin and Claire Danes developed their characters well, and seemed down-to-earth. Anyway, it's worth the rent if you're in the mood for easy watching.

The Observer and I saw The Davinci Code. It's a thinker too. Any movie trying to question the Bible is in for some heavy duty controversy. It's an edge-of-your-seat, can't-stop-watching, sometimes-I-want-to-look-away, what-does-this-all-mean? type of movie. The albino monk creeped me out. I am afraid he will haunt my dreams. I am trying to find a picture of him to post. Well, by the end, I left feeling confused, but enlightened. I didn't understand it all, but I don't think it's supposed to be totally clear. Just like it's always been, religion is based on beliefs and this movie isn't too different. If the movie's ideas are true, I hope Jesus doesn't mind the movie being made.

Time for bed. Sweet dreams....


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

It only takes a second...

Do you ever not know what to say? If you say something, you might say everything, and you're not ready yet. So you say nothing. You think.You question. You feel. You cry, but the words won't come out. It only takes one second to open your mouth and for a flow of ground-breaking words to follow. It takes one second to decide not to speak and wait for another day.

The Observer is having a bad day. I feel bad for him. I do understand. I have bad days too. They suck. Everything can be going fine and then, BAM! Here comes the tide to knock us down.

It only takes one second for a heart to break. That scares me. I used to try to be positive all the time - to smile, laugh and point out the good in among the darkness. I still recognize good around me, but the bad is part of life too.

In a second, everything I know, love, trust, and value could be ripped away. On the other side, in a second, a bad day can be totally turned around. Both realities are important.


Monday, May 15, 2006

Walk Away...

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.

But sometimes -
sometimes, you just have to walk away - walk away.
With so many people to love in my life,
why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness,
you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say. But sometimes -
sometimes, you just have to walk away -
walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody
than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you
than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows
and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes,
sometimes you just have to walk away,
walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away -
walk away - walk away.
You just walk away,
walk on, turn and head for the door.
Walk Away (BEN HARPER)

Friday, May 12, 2006

When nature calls at the wrong time...

Well, it's been a while. I'm still alive, which is good. The last week has been spent traveling from my parents' house and my apartment in the city. This isn't much different from what I do most weeks, but I just did it more often. I like sitting in a bus. It gives me time to think.

I've had a few long days. They reminded me how much I miss the bump and grind of school. Those very long, grueling, can't-keep-my-eyes-open kind of days. Being tired reminds me that I've been productive. It gives me purpose. We ALL need that.

Tonight I was going to a youth dance where the Observer is spinning the tunes. I'm not really a youth, but I go for support and, besides, good music is the greatest way to relax. Nature and "lack of movement" in the area of bodily functions made it impossible for me to go. I spent the evening chilling, but I'd rather be out. The human body is a miracle and needs respect, but sometimes it's a huge pain in the bottom too. (No pun intended! LOL) I feel bad for letting the Observer down, but I know he understands. Sometimes my body lets me down.

My parents' dog Maddie cannot walk easily and uses a cart similar to a wheelchair to get around. She also needs to be placed in her cart and walked a long distance to relieve her bowels and bladder. She is very dependant on my parents every time she has to go outside for walks or to take care of business. She must get frustrated by her lack of freedom, but she's still really happy, a bit like me.


Friday, May 05, 2006

Friday unfriendliness...

It's Friday!!!!!!! I couldn't sleep last night. I hate it when that happens. I guess we all do. I stupidly forgot to take my pills before hitting the hay, and remembered as I was lying there with a racing mind. It's not really that big of a deal to forgot my meds. They are just laxatives, or "pooh pills" as I sometimes call them. Missing one dose the odd time is no biggie, but two doses is asking for a clogging crisis. Anyway, Grace, an awesome attendant (person who works in my apartment building and is paid to help me do things I physically cannot do myself) kindly helped me in the wee night hours. She's the nicest lady. Too bad they are all not like her.

This morning I was helped by my least favourite person. She's fakely sweet, lazy, and rude. You know the people who are just phoney and gossip about you the second you're out of earshot? That's her. I see her and get a bad taste in my mouth. She complained this morning over nothing. I wanted to yell, "Get another job witch!" but that's not nice. Instead I tried to get her out of my place as soon as I could. I know I have a miserable, sour face when I'm around her. I hate that I do that, but I can't help it.

I think God felt bad for me having to put up with that unfriendly soul this morning, because Mavis, another awesome worker and person, helped me at lunch. Whenever I have to see people I dislike, I tell myself someone kind will come around the corner soon. On days like today, it's true.

I just heard these lyrics:
"And don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are." (NAME by the Goo Goo Dolls)

I think the Goo Goo Dolls are saying that life can suck, even if we're good people. That is part of growing up. I'm getting there - slowly.


Thursday, May 04, 2006

Grapes, sun, and clouds

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
- Marianne Williamson
This quote was featured in the new movie Akeelah and the Bee. It was cute and inspiring. I enjoyed it. The Observer loved it! He was so excited watching it. I had to laugh- not at him of course, but with him. On the surface, it's about a spelling bee, but as with most movies, there's a deeper message. I left reminded that I could do ALMOST anything with hard work and the right attitude.
I bought green grapes today. They were almost $6. It was worth it. Grapes are the best. I'm trying to be nice to myself right now. I still hurt. The only way to heal is to be nice to myself (and the people I love!)
I always try to put a positive spin on everything. I'm learning that this doesn't always work. Some things just suck. One major difficulty in one of my past relationships was my tendency to only focus on the sun. My boyfriend at the time focused on the sun, but also the clouds around it. I'm learning that both the sun and clouds are important, because we can't have one without the other.
I try to remember that, wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, the sun will always come up. I know there are some places in the world surrounded by darkness, but I'm not a real traveller, so I think it's safe to keep believing this.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006


I'm not sure what to say.
There is so much that won't come out.
It's a beautiful day.
The sun is still shinning.

Sometimes I am OK.
Others times not.
Sadness is weird.
It comes in waves.
I just have to let the wave come.
It will pass.
Soon I hope.