Friday, July 28, 2006

No more drama...

It's Friday, and I don't know what to say. Life is some ways. Nothing is really new with me, which is OK. I'd rather have quiet than absolute choas. There's enough drama in just living and going through the bumps, so it's important to enjoy the ride when it's smooth.

It has been a bit dramatic within the organization that provides my attendant care. (In case you don't know what "attendant care" means, it's a term used to describe the services I recieve as a result of being physically disabled. It includes things I am not able to physically do myself like showering, dressing, help in the washroom, cooking, cleaning, etc.) An agency works within my building and employees show up at my door in the morning, for breakfast, lunch, dinner and bed-time. Most of the people who help me are friendly and kind, but like everything in life, there are some not-so-nice people. Since it is a workplace with my building, there are plenty of politics between staff. I try my best to stay clear of toxic behaviour, but I discovered recently that this is difficult to do when it's right outside my door.

I don't want to go into too much detail, because I'm not big on drama, but I will say that one attendant seemed to be harrassing another attendant and even went as far as eavesdropping on a conversation between myself and the person being targetted. I know this because the person eavesdropping wrote a report saying she heard the staff say some unprofessional comments while assisting me one morning in my apartment.

I had to speak with management about this issue because a conversation involving myself was in a report. This is the first incident I've ever had to contend with, and I felt compelled to clear the air and stand by the staff being harrassed. The person who eavesdropped has been transferred to another work place. I do feel a bit sad that this had to happen, but she has created a string of clashes for people living and working here. Perhaps things had to get this ugly before they could improve. Truthfully, I think this change is best for all of us.

I find it sad that some people can be so malicious and crave such drama. I also find it disturbing to know that some people would be so sneaky as to listen for gossip at my door. Drama is not welcome in my home, and even through it did not come directly through my door, it was a little too close for comfort.


Sunday, July 23, 2006

Home, sweet...blueberries!

I'm home with my parents. It's nice. I've missed them. I think the Observer went away. Now I miss him. I always miss someone. Maybe that's good. It tells me that there are important people in my life, but I knew that already.

We had the best dinner last night. My Mom and my sister went to this amazing Farmer's Market where they picked up some yummy fresh grub. We had chicken kabobs, mushrooms, zuchinni, corn-on-the cob, and these fantastic little red potatoes - the kind that are often on plates at wedding dinners. For dessert, I devoured vanilla ice cream topped with blueberries..............mmmmmmm. I love blueberries and they are very healthy.

Being home is awesome. As much as I just described the great food, it's seeing my family that matters. I just thought about an e-mail that I wrote to my parents four years ago during my first week after moving out. I said, "Always remember that home is where you are." I still mean it.


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Day is done, gone the sun....

Today I had a meeting for work. It was OK, but I'm very worried. Funding for an important program has been frozen. It's a program that I loved and tried to help by offering feedback and experience. What if their funding is frozen because of something I said? What if it's all my fault? I'm praying no. My mom said that I'm just a small person in the big corporate world. It's true, but still.....

I'm hungry....sort of. I've eaten a lot today. I think I'm over-tired too. It's quiet and dark tonight. Have you ever noticed that most days begin busy and loud, but usually end quietly? I started the day happy, but now I'm a bit sad and lonely. Since I live alone, I guess it's natural to feel this way sometimes. Luckily these feelings don't last long.

I need to sleep. My mind is foggy. I hate that feeling. Maybe that's a good thing. Here comes another sleep, another morning, afternoon and evening. If you're reading this, enjoy where you are and what you're doing. After all, there will never be another now.


Sunday, July 16, 2006

Hot, hot, heat!

It's Sunday night and I just got back to the city. It doesn't seem right that the weekend is over already. It flew by before I could realize it.

I miss the Observer. He's at summer rush, a dance/pop concert of various artists at Canada's Wonderland. He was very excited to go. Unfortunately, given travel/time constraints, I couldn't swing it. I'm glad he gets the chance to enjoy the music and hang out with some of his co-workers at the same time. I hope he's yelling his face off and soaking up the sun in the groove.

I had a family dinner tonight. It was nice to see everyone and the food was tasty. I had two pieces of strawberry pie.....shshshsh. I enjoyed every bite.

My brother and his wife-to-be announced their wedding party. My twin brother will be best man, my sister's long-time boyfriend will be a groomsman, the bride's brother will serve as another groomsman, and two of my brother's close friends will round things off. As for bridesmaids, the bride's sister will be maid-of-honour, my sister and I will be bridesmaids, and two of her friends as well. I'm honoured, but am worried about doing something wrong. I've never been in a wedding before, much less my brother's! I love that everyone in both of their families is included. It totally reflects the values of my brother and his fiancee. I keep thinking about how my brother will have to make a speech. He's so sweet and will do amazing, but I know he'll be nervous. The wedding is a year away, but I know it will go by quickly.

I haven't really been away in a long time. As a student with a limited budget, it's almost impossible. Them's the brakes, I guess! It would be nice to spend the night at a hotel with the Observer just to get away, but we'll have to see what happens. At least I can go home whenever I please, which is a mini vacation. It's certainly hot enough here, so we have tropical type climate. Too bad we don't have the other perks of being on holiday, but we can't have everything, right?


Thursday, July 13, 2006

Friday nights...

I am waiting to hit the hay. I am tired. So tired. Lately I've spent more lying in bed thinking of how I should be sleeping than actually sleeping.

I got into my pajamas at 8 p.m. tonight, a full three hours before my bed time. It was nice - peaceful, ya know? I used to get into my pajamas early every Friday night, order take-out sushi, read or call my friends. That was about a year and a half ago. I was single and getting used to my own skin. It sounds like I was a pathetic, heartbroken girl with no life, but that's not really how it was. I love sushi. I love pajamas. I love routine. If you add all these things up, it's a recipe for heaven. I haven't had one of those Friday nights in a long time. Now I hang out with the Observer. We eat, talk, and enjoy our alone time. It's nice too. Change is good. I love my Friday nights with the Observer and look foward to them just the same, but if he's ever busy, you can bet what I'll be doing.


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The empty space...

I just realized that my future is now. That scares me. I'm not in a position to stay this way forever. I've never had a steady, permanent job, never really felt like I've done anything to make a true difference in the world, never travelled or taken chances.

I'm 23 and haven't done anything exceptional. I miss school. I miss thinking. I miss deadlines. I miss being challenged. I miss reading. I miss using my orange highlighter. I miss sitting in lecture. I want to go back, but knowing where I am going.

I don't miss the competition. I don't miss traffic. I don't miss snobby professors. I don't miss having no lunch or dinner. I don't miss having coffee as a meal replacement. I don't miss not knowing how to find the accessible entrances. I don't miss sitting in class not being able to use the washroom.

I am missing something in my life. I just don't know what it is.


Monday, July 10, 2006

How big is your mess?

It's been a while since I've blogged. Not much is new. I'm still here. I guess that's good. It's humid in here. I think I need to put the air conditioning on.

Today has been uneventful. I realized that I'm always going to miss my family, that I have trouble saying no, that I miss my boyfriend when we don't see each other, and the same goes for my friends. People are an important part of my life, especially nice ones.

Lately I've been worrying a lot about getting fat. I always do. If you've been reading this for a while, you know this. I don't care about how much people I love weigh, so why do I care so much about what I weigh? I've asked myself this question for years and still don't have an answer.

There is a HUGE pile of junk on my computer table. Mail has been building on my kitchen table for months. It's bothering me. Tonight I'm going to get rid of the mess. It's not big. One of Oprah's experts said that when someone lives in disorganization or uses one place to store all of his or her junk, it means that person's life is out of control? Since I have just a small pile of mismatched stuff, does that mean my life is only a little out of control?