Saturday, September 30, 2006


Today is Saturday. I have drank two cups of coffee so far. It's almost 1:00 p.m.

I'm a big fan of the new Snow Patrol album called Eyes Open. Two songs have been on ER and Grey's Anatomy. The song Chasing Cars is really big on the radio now, but I like a less popular song called Open Your Eyes. It doesn't get a lot of air play yet, but it probably will sooner or later.I NEVER buy CDs. I just don't. I REALLY wanted this one so I waited until I had a reasonable amount of finances. As luck would have it, my brother's new girlfriend who works at HMV heard that I wanted the album and gave it to me for free. I REALLY like her now.

I have a channel on my TV where I can see who is coming through the front door of my apartment building. It's pretty cool. I enjoy being nosey. Last night the Observer was here and we flipped to the channel to spy on people. There's this slightly creepy lady who lives in my building who wears mismatched clothing and clownish type make-up. She's sweet, lonely, paronoid, and seems a bit lost. I don't know her name, but I've talked to her a few times. If I say hello, she's hard to get away from. She will take about anything and everything. I'm thinking that she takes anti-anxiety medication that makes her sleep during the day. I say this because her eyes look extra big and alert, the kind of biggness that only comes from pills. She was in view of the security camera and we watched her put on her too-tight jacket with her shorts and knee-high socks. She's quite a sight. I feel bad for her. Her life isn't easy. When she scratched her bottom, I had to laugh.

Sometimes I wish I take the time to chat with her for a while. I could, but I'm afraid I'll never get away. Maybe I'll try telling her that I just have a few minutes to talk. That's better than ignoring her. All she wants is company and conversation. We all deserve that.

The Observer is coming over this afternoon. I think we might watch Wedding Crashers. I love that movie. I'm looking forward to a glass of red wine. This is my Friday ritual, but why not have a glass today too? Wine is good for the soul.

I feel like having vegetable sushi for dinner. It's cheaper at the grocery store, so I might buy it from there. The Observer doesn't like sushi, but there a few other options nearby.

Wine, Wedding Crashers, sushi, hanging with the is good.


Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Dear God...

Dear God,

I hope you are doing well. In this complicated and sometimes dysfunctional world, I suppose many people turn to you when they've exhausted their search for meaning. Fortunately, I'm not in this position, but just wanted to say a few things.

I know you are aware that I don't go to church, but I do pray. Have you heard any of my prayers? I like to think so, but if not, it's fine. Saying them made me feel better. I guess that's what counts, right?

I'm a bit......worried. I try to be a good person, but have made mistakes. The good thing is that I learned from them. Sometimes I feel like in trying to not hurt people, I hide the truth which hurts them even more. This is something I'm working on. It will take time, I think.

Being a people pleaser is not the greatest. Sometimes I wish I could stand up for myself. I think lots of people wish the same for themselves. We can't make everyone happy no matter how hard we try, so we might as well make ourselves happy and if we please others in the process, that's a bonus. I'm slowly realizing that putting myself first (at times) is necessary. If I'm not happy, I'm not doing those around me any favours. That said, I still enjoy doing things for people I care about. It makes me feel good. Letting people walk all over me doesn't. I'm learning that there is a big difference between being kind and sacrificing my well-being for someone else. It has taken me a while to distinguish between the two but by doing so, I'm not so resentful of others.

Lately I've learned that life isn't fair. Bad things happen to good people. I guess I'm afraid of what's ahead, that my whole life will come crashing down in one minute, but I know I still have to move. Everyone says great things are only gained by taking great risks. I think the same theory can be applied to having our hearts broken.

I guess I'm just trying to tell you that I'm not perfect. I'm still trying to figure life out and am hitting bumps along the way. When I'm lost, I know you're watching and trust that you'll show me the way home.

I worry about getting a job and about finishing school. I hate school. Admitting this makes me feel selfish, because education is a gift. I'm just not into taking the course I am enrolled in right now. It seems....wrong for me. At the same time, I don't have any idea what type of course I would actually like to take. I feel stuck and trapped into finishing my degree, even though I hate every second I invest into completing it. This is a strange place for me to be because I've always loved school. I've known where doing well would get me. Now I'm not so sure. A little extra money would be nice, but it doesn't feel like a good enough reason to keep trudging away at an unknown goal.

You sure made men and women VERY different. Those guys are weird creatures sometimes. I try and try, but there are times when I just can't understand them. Maybe women are just as puzzling to men, but I don't know how anything would evolve in the world if we didn't have a mix of males and females.

My dog, Maddie is not doing very well. I'm sad. Please keep her from suffering. She's such a good dog. If the time comes when she is hurting, please help her tell us. It will be very painful to let her go, but she deserves to free from suffering. Thank you for sending Maddie our way.

Sometimes I wonder if you have my whole life planned out and everything and everyone in it is meant to be there. It's an interesting thought, but I'm more inclined to believe that life just happens. You watch, protect, guide and wait us to make our way to you. You help us all handle joy, pain, relationships and life's big events.

There is much I wish I knew, but I suppose everything happens in due time. I'm learning even that is a gift not everyone has. I'm also learning that sometimes my faith in you is all that I can count on. Nothing else is for sure. Love does come close, if it's pure.

I'm not sure if I'm cut out to be a wife and mother. I've always assumed I'd get married and I believe in all that it symbolizes, but I don't know if I can be and do all the things that a wife needs to. I can't cook, do laundry, clean, decorate, or look after children. I would love a little girl, but what's the point in having a child that other people are paid to look after? Everyone says that when the time comes I'll know what is right for me. I hope so.

There are days when I wonder how I ended up with such amazing parents. Thank you for my Mom and Dad. I worry about them getting old. They are still pretty young, but none of us live forever. I don't know how I would survive without them. My heart would snap. Part of me wonders why I worry about this now, because we can't control when anyone leaves Earth, only you can. Please give me and everyone I love the faith to keep moving through loss and grief.

Thank you for giving so much love in my life. Thank you for my parents, my siblings, my dog and cat, for the Observer, for my grandparents and mostly for the opportunity to be here. Earth is a bittersweet place, but I am grateful for all that I have. Please watch over my family, the Observer, and my friends. They are all special people.

Oh, and my ex boyfriend, Ian is up there with you too. Please take care of him and say hello for me. He's a good guy.

It's no secret that I worry often. I think it's because I care so much about the people I love. I hope they know how much I love them.

Thanks for listening God.



Thursday, September 14, 2006

Open Your Eyes...

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old

The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
Cos I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes
Get up, get out, get away from these liars
Cos they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine

And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time
Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes

Cos I need you to look into mine
Tell me that you'll open your eyes

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
Open Your Eyes (SNOW PATROL)

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Life... (and other important matters)

Life isn't fair.
We all realize this at some point.
Maybe that's when we're officially "grown up".
If that's true, then it's one tough ride.

No one I knew very well had ever died,
until a few months ago.
I never expected to lose someone who used to be so important to me.

I never expected to hurt like I did,
or to remember so much.

I remember knowing that I was getting to know someone who was worth my time.
I remember laughing a lot.
I remember feeling understood.
I remember being excited.
I remember feeling loved.

I remember hearing the cold, hard truth, even though I didn't ask for it.
I remember sarcasm.
I remember watching hockey games.
I remember scratching unreachable itches.

I remember a loving, supportive family, like my own.
I remember a Momma's boy.
I remember a sweet mother.
I remember a reserved father.
I remember a rebellious sister.

I remember a slow, growing distance.
I remember the fast, excited, can't-catch-your-breath conversations.
I remember the silence and withdrawal.
I remember feeling ignored.
I remember thinking that this wasn't the person I first began dating.

I remember telling myself that things will get better if I wait.
I remember thinking that love is devotion.
I remember hearing that it's wrong to kick someone when he is down.
I remember trying to ask for a break.
I remember being honest that I was feeling temptation to seek out what I needed from someone else.

I remember enjoying attention.
I remember that I liked having someone listen to me.
I remember feeling pretty.
I remember things getting intense.
I remember losing myself.

I remember a crazy, wild high.
I remember feeling like another person.
I remember an empty space filling up.
I remember wondering how something good could be something bad all at once.

I remember feeling shocked.
I remember being angry at the world.
I remember being angry at myself.
I remember feeling cheap.
I remember being so confused.

I remember admitting that I made a mistake.
I remember feeling sick.
I remember the numbness.
I remember realizing that someone who I loved actually had reason to hate me.
I remember realizing that I actually had reason to hate myself.

I remember trying to hold on.
I remember being afraid to let go.
I remember the fighting.
I remember the guilt.
I remember the hurt.

I don't remember deciding to move on.
I don't remember how.
I don't remember why.
I don't remember looking back.
I don't remember questioning happiness.

When time passed, so did embracing what once was.
Today began to matter more than yesterday.
Slowly, the sting faded.
Life was sweet.
Then came the blow.

A big part of my past was gone.
Before I knew it.
Before I could say I was sorry.
Before I could say thanks.
Before I could say you matter to me.

Sometimes I cry at night.
All of a sudden, I feel a wave of sadness.
I cry for someone I loved in my past whose life was too short.
I cry for someone I love now whose life is more challenging.
I cry for myself because there is so much I want to change, but can only accept.
I cry because life isn't fair.


Saturday, September 09, 2006


Don't believe what you hear
Don't believe what you see
If you just close your eyes

You can feel the enemy

When I first met you girl
You had fire in your soul
What happened your face
Of melting in snow

Now it looks like this
And you can swallow
Or you can spit
You can throw it up
Or choke on it

And you can dream
So dream out loud
You know that your time is coming 'round
So don't let the bastards grind you down

No, nothing makes sense
Nothing seems to fit
I know you'd hit out
If you only knew who to hit

And I'd join the movement
If there was one I could believe in
Yeah I'd break bread and wine
If there was a church I could receive in

'cause I need it now
To take a cup
To fill it up
To drink it slow

I can't let you go
I must be an acrobat
To talk like this
And act like that

And you can dream
So dream out loud
And don't let the bastards grind you down

Oh, it hurts baby

(What are we going to do now it's all been said)
(No new ideas in the house and every book has been read)

And I must be an acrobat
To talk like this
And act like that

And you can dream
So dream out loud
And you can find
Your own way out

You can build
And I can will
And you can call
I can't wait until

You can stash
And you can seize
In dreams begin

And I can love
And I can love
And I know that the tide is turning 'round
So don't let the bastards grind you down
Acrobat (U2)

Friday, September 08, 2006

Isn't she cute?

Abby Cadabby is the newest character on Sesame Street. She is being praised for her "gurlie nature" and willingness to show her feminin side." I'm tempted to start tuning into the beat on the street...


Bus banter...

Buses suck.
Having a disability sucks too,
but that's imposible to change.
It's easier to complain about buses.

Time limits.
Scheduling problems.
Waiting on hold.
Grumpy people.

Depending on others means playing by their rules.
Rules that don't fit with real people's lives.
Policies that don't make sense.
People who don't really care.

The Observer is stranded without a ride.
He missed his bus, but it wasn't his fault.
He was supposed to be here now.
I hope he can still come to see me.

Buses suck.
The people who ride them usually don't.
Without a bus, it' s hard to get far.
So it's worth hitching a ride.


Monday, September 04, 2006


Grace, she takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace... It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that, changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings

Grace finds goodness in everything
Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma, karma
She travels outside... of karma
When she goes to work, you can hear the strings

Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace... She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings...

Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things
Grace finds beauty in everything GRACE (U2)

*NOTE: If I ever become a mother to a little girl, her name will be Grace. I decided this long before I heard this U2 song, but once I did, I knew for sure that this would be the name I would choose if a daughter should ever come into my life. If this happens, I hope she is confident, kind, insightful and finds the good all around her just as the song says. - OCG*