Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Dear God...

Dear God,

I hope you are doing well. In this complicated and sometimes dysfunctional world, I suppose many people turn to you when they've exhausted their search for meaning. Fortunately, I'm not in this position, but just wanted to say a few things.

I know you are aware that I don't go to church, but I do pray. Have you heard any of my prayers? I like to think so, but if not, it's fine. Saying them made me feel better. I guess that's what counts, right?

I'm a bit......worried. I try to be a good person, but have made mistakes. The good thing is that I learned from them. Sometimes I feel like in trying to not hurt people, I hide the truth which hurts them even more. This is something I'm working on. It will take time, I think.

Being a people pleaser is not the greatest. Sometimes I wish I could stand up for myself. I think lots of people wish the same for themselves. We can't make everyone happy no matter how hard we try, so we might as well make ourselves happy and if we please others in the process, that's a bonus. I'm slowly realizing that putting myself first (at times) is necessary. If I'm not happy, I'm not doing those around me any favours. That said, I still enjoy doing things for people I care about. It makes me feel good. Letting people walk all over me doesn't. I'm learning that there is a big difference between being kind and sacrificing my well-being for someone else. It has taken me a while to distinguish between the two but by doing so, I'm not so resentful of others.

Lately I've learned that life isn't fair. Bad things happen to good people. I guess I'm afraid of what's ahead, that my whole life will come crashing down in one minute, but I know I still have to move. Everyone says great things are only gained by taking great risks. I think the same theory can be applied to having our hearts broken.

I guess I'm just trying to tell you that I'm not perfect. I'm still trying to figure life out and am hitting bumps along the way. When I'm lost, I know you're watching and trust that you'll show me the way home.

I worry about getting a job and about finishing school. I hate school. Admitting this makes me feel selfish, because education is a gift. I'm just not into taking the course I am enrolled in right now. It seems....wrong for me. At the same time, I don't have any idea what type of course I would actually like to take. I feel stuck and trapped into finishing my degree, even though I hate every second I invest into completing it. This is a strange place for me to be because I've always loved school. I've known where doing well would get me. Now I'm not so sure. A little extra money would be nice, but it doesn't feel like a good enough reason to keep trudging away at an unknown goal.

You sure made men and women VERY different. Those guys are weird creatures sometimes. I try and try, but there are times when I just can't understand them. Maybe women are just as puzzling to men, but I don't know how anything would evolve in the world if we didn't have a mix of males and females.

My dog, Maddie is not doing very well. I'm sad. Please keep her from suffering. She's such a good dog. If the time comes when she is hurting, please help her tell us. It will be very painful to let her go, but she deserves to free from suffering. Thank you for sending Maddie our way.

Sometimes I wonder if you have my whole life planned out and everything and everyone in it is meant to be there. It's an interesting thought, but I'm more inclined to believe that life just happens. You watch, protect, guide and wait us to make our way to you. You help us all handle joy, pain, relationships and life's big events.

There is much I wish I knew, but I suppose everything happens in due time. I'm learning even that is a gift not everyone has. I'm also learning that sometimes my faith in you is all that I can count on. Nothing else is for sure. Love does come close, if it's pure.

I'm not sure if I'm cut out to be a wife and mother. I've always assumed I'd get married and I believe in all that it symbolizes, but I don't know if I can be and do all the things that a wife needs to. I can't cook, do laundry, clean, decorate, or look after children. I would love a little girl, but what's the point in having a child that other people are paid to look after? Everyone says that when the time comes I'll know what is right for me. I hope so.

There are days when I wonder how I ended up with such amazing parents. Thank you for my Mom and Dad. I worry about them getting old. They are still pretty young, but none of us live forever. I don't know how I would survive without them. My heart would snap. Part of me wonders why I worry about this now, because we can't control when anyone leaves Earth, only you can. Please give me and everyone I love the faith to keep moving through loss and grief.

Thank you for giving so much love in my life. Thank you for my parents, my siblings, my dog and cat, for the Observer, for my grandparents and mostly for the opportunity to be here. Earth is a bittersweet place, but I am grateful for all that I have. Please watch over my family, the Observer, and my friends. They are all special people.

Oh, and my ex boyfriend, Ian is up there with you too. Please take care of him and say hello for me. He's a good guy.

It's no secret that I worry often. I think it's because I care so much about the people I love. I hope they know how much I love them.

Thanks for listening God.



1 comment:


a wonderful and touching post.

love u