Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Life... (and other important matters)

Life isn't fair.
We all realize this at some point.
Maybe that's when we're officially "grown up".
If that's true, then it's one tough ride.

No one I knew very well had ever died,
until a few months ago.
I never expected to lose someone who used to be so important to me.

I never expected to hurt like I did,
or to remember so much.

I remember knowing that I was getting to know someone who was worth my time.
I remember laughing a lot.
I remember feeling understood.
I remember being excited.
I remember feeling loved.

I remember hearing the cold, hard truth, even though I didn't ask for it.
I remember sarcasm.
I remember watching hockey games.
I remember scratching unreachable itches.

I remember a loving, supportive family, like my own.
I remember a Momma's boy.
I remember a sweet mother.
I remember a reserved father.
I remember a rebellious sister.

I remember a slow, growing distance.
I remember the fast, excited, can't-catch-your-breath conversations.
I remember the silence and withdrawal.
I remember feeling ignored.
I remember thinking that this wasn't the person I first began dating.

I remember telling myself that things will get better if I wait.
I remember thinking that love is devotion.
I remember hearing that it's wrong to kick someone when he is down.
I remember trying to ask for a break.
I remember being honest that I was feeling temptation to seek out what I needed from someone else.

I remember enjoying attention.
I remember that I liked having someone listen to me.
I remember feeling pretty.
I remember things getting intense.
I remember losing myself.

I remember a crazy, wild high.
I remember feeling like another person.
I remember an empty space filling up.
I remember wondering how something good could be something bad all at once.

I remember feeling shocked.
I remember being angry at the world.
I remember being angry at myself.
I remember feeling cheap.
I remember being so confused.

I remember admitting that I made a mistake.
I remember feeling sick.
I remember the numbness.
I remember realizing that someone who I loved actually had reason to hate me.
I remember realizing that I actually had reason to hate myself.

I remember trying to hold on.
I remember being afraid to let go.
I remember the fighting.
I remember the guilt.
I remember the hurt.

I don't remember deciding to move on.
I don't remember how.
I don't remember why.
I don't remember looking back.
I don't remember questioning happiness.

When time passed, so did embracing what once was.
Today began to matter more than yesterday.
Slowly, the sting faded.
Life was sweet.
Then came the blow.

A big part of my past was gone.
Before I knew it.
Before I could say I was sorry.
Before I could say thanks.
Before I could say you matter to me.

Sometimes I cry at night.
All of a sudden, I feel a wave of sadness.
I cry for someone I loved in my past whose life was too short.
I cry for someone I love now whose life is more challenging.
I cry for myself because there is so much I want to change, but can only accept.
I cry because life isn't fair.


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