Saturday, December 30, 2006

The hat situation...

Today I went to see the flick Holiday with my man (the Observer). It was quite a worthwhile way to spend the afternoon. Jude Law, Cameron Dias, Jack Black and Kate Winslett made a surprisingly good team. I love English accents, so that was a bonus. Honestly, Jude Law could just stand frozen in silence in a movie and I'd watch it with my mouth hanging open. He's one beautiful man. Looks aside, Jude Law doesn't seem as sweet on the inside, so I don't think I'd like him in person. Good packaging only keeps my attention for so long. That's why I love the Observer; he's still a treat when you get past his wrapping.

This afternoon I was upset with the Observer. See, the Observer left his hat in the movie theater. By the time the Observer realized he was hat-less, it was about time to catch our only-comes-once, we're-dead-if-we-miss-it bus. Now you should know that the Observer is hairless, so a hat-less Observer can quickly turn into a chilly Observer.

Anyway, I decided on a plan. Since the Observer hadn't had dinner and this was his chance, I told him to grab a quick bite while I tried to track down his toque. Once at the theater, I tried to explain to movie staff that my friend left his hat in the movie. "Could they please let me get the hat from the theater?" I asked.

They looked busy - too busy to look for one measly hat.

After some pleading, I knew it was no use. I hurried back to meet the Observer, expecting him to holding dinner or eating. I found him right where I left him. Empty handed. No dinner.

I was annoyed. I told him he was supposed to buy his dinner or help me find his hat. I grilled the Observer about just sitting there while I followed the plan and said, that if he wasn't going to eat, he should have at least come with me to look for his hat. I said this was his chance to eat, so he should have taken it.

The Observer listened to me vent for a bit. He knew I was mad. I like when we work as a team. We make a good one most times. I like us to be equal, to feel like we help each other out, but still keep our independence. I don't like him doing things I can do for myself and I don't like doing things he is able to do for himself either.

Maybe the people in the mall who heard me venting to the Observer thought I was being rude. That's OK. People argue. People get frustrated. It's hard for me to get angry, especially at the Observer. He's really sensitive - like me. I hate hurting his feelings. Good communication is important. I'm glad he knew I was angry. I'm not sure if the Observer understands why. I don't know if he realized that it wasn't about him not eating dinner. It was about us helping each other as a team, not one person getting something done while the other stays still.

The Observer never got his hat from the theater. He didn't eat dinner either, but at least we communicated.


Grace makes another good (and very depressing) song...

I'm on my knees
only memories are left for me to hold
Don't know how but I'll get by
Slowly pull myself together
There's no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world
Come what may
I won't fade away
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace
Nothing comes easily

Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
I've lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace
GRACE (Kate Havnevik)

* From Grey's Anatomy Volume II Soundtrack* Thanks Observer! I love the CD!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

To be unplugged...

I love my family. I always have and always will, but I love them so much when I'm sick. When I'm under the weather, there's no place like home. The atmosphere, the food and the amazing people can't be beat.
Christmas was busy, but fun. I had a few shaky moments where all the action, food, socializing and being sick made me feel a bit nuts, but I made it. My parents gave us WAY too many gifts. They always do.
My Mom had to work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so our official Christmas happened on Boxing Day. It was different. The holidays felt more stretched out. I generally like that feeling....I hung out with the Observer's family Christmas Day. Holly Crow! There were sooo many people, sooo much food, and sooo much noise! I felt very welcome, which is something, considering how many people were there.
OK, I'm going to get personal now; if you don't like a little-more-than-necessary-information, stop reading now....
You still with me? Today was the first day I went "number 2" ALL week! I have such a messed up system from not getting activity by walking, not eating right and years of not taking care of myself. I take regular laxatives that would make most people run to the can. When people say, "You are so full of sh*t, in my case, sometimes it's true!
Anyway, I've been rather plugged for the last few days. I felt jealous of the dog who left a special present on my bed. At least SHE could go "number 2"! I took enough pills to give anyone with normal plumbing a heart attack, but for me, they barely did anything...
Well, I had success today and am feeling better in all respects.
I bet you're wondering why there's a picture of a fish, right? No reason, really. It's a bit weird - kind of like me...Did I mention that I love my family?

Sunday, December 24, 2006


Well, Christmas is almost here! I'm excited to go home. I'm leaving very soon to head to the Observer's family. It should be nice.

Remember last week I said I'd rather have a cold over the stomach flu any day? Well, that remark really bit me in the bottom. Now I have a cold and a sore throat. I should have kept that opinion to myself.

I don't feel fantastic, but not horrible either. I think I'm going to make it. Food tastes a bit weird, which is too bad since there are so many yummy treats around. I'm not going to let my mild flu ruin the holidays; they don't come around all the time.

If you've read this, thank you. Happy holidays!


Friday, December 22, 2006

Coffee shop compassion...

It's raining...lots. We usually have snow this time of year. I don't mind rain. It makes for much warmer weather. It's dark outside too, a bit like 4 a.m.

I finally got some sleep last night. Sleep is sweet. I woke up feeling refreshed and happy. Life is good today. I've had two cups of good coffee, so that's a big reason. As I sat in a coffee shop with a friend earlier this afternoon, I couldn't help but notice one lady. She was sitting nearby and just looked different - like she was struggling just to exist. She was agitated and fidgety. Strangers walked by and she thought she was in their way. It made me sad. I worry a lot about being in the way too.

The lady in the coffee shop kept saying her Mom was coming. She mumbled about being on medication. She would periodically hit herself and swear. It scared me. She would also whimper from time to time. Poor coffee shop lady.

The coffee shop employees were so kind. They listened and let the woman stay there. Strangers sat with her when she said she wanted company. It made me feel good.

When I was leaving the coffee shop, I heard the lady ask an employee what time the shop closed. The employee told the lady they closed at 11 p.m. It was only 3 p.m.

I bet that poor lady is still sitting in the coffee shop. I bet she'll be there until 11 p.m. Maybe her mother will meet her, but my heart says no. If I'm right, at least there are compassionate individuals around the lost woman. Sometimes that's all some struggling people can ask for.

I feel lucky today.


Thursday, December 21, 2006

Things I'm Grateful For...

* Sleep

* A shower (being clean)

* Stars

* Coffee

* My family

* Food

* My age

* Music

* The Observer

* Water

* Time (to sort myself out)

* My independence

* My glasses

* Living in the city

* Choices

* Forgiveness

* My grandparents

* My past

* Not knowing what's ahead

* Surprises (good ones!)

* Social assistance

* Anything orange

* That people read this blog


Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Holidays, here we come!

I am tired. The past few nights have not included much sleep. My mind has been working 24/7. "Don't forget this... Remember to...Before you leave to go home, you have to...This gift is for...What if he/she already has it, or won't like their present? Do I buy a gift for so-and-so? What if that person buys me one? Are Christmas cards better than gift tags? Are chocolates really a safe bet most times?

I have to wonder if I am forgetting the true meaning of the holidays with all this present buying pressure. Maybe. I just want people to like their gifts.

I'm looking forward to going home. My family's pretty fun during the holidays. I'm lucky. As much as I love them, after being home for a few days, I am ready to head back to my own apartment. My parents mean well, but sometimes they forget my age and resort back to telling me what to do. I know they love me. I love them too.

I suppose remembering our loved ones during the holidays matters more than whether or not their gift includes a card or Christmas tag.

It's so easy to caught up in gift giving, but maybe that's OK. The whole idea is to embrace the spirit of giving, right? Some people love the receiving part of Christmas. I'll admit, it's nice...who doesn't like getting gifts?

I like to think I live a pretty simple life. One of my favourite gifts to receive is a gift card to a coffee shop. The coffee I buy with those cards just tastes better - maybe because it was coffee bought out of kindness.


Monday, December 18, 2006

Here's to the night...

I couldn't sleep last night. I did a lot of thinking, planning and making mental notes to myself. I work well with plans, even though my mind can be muddled. (Hence, the name of my blog.) I thought about the gifts I have left to buy, and the wrapping that will follow with the pretty snowflake paper I bought. I stared at my alarm clock and watched the hours slooowly pass. I called the Observer's cell phone, because I knew he turned it off. I told his voice-mail I couldn't sleep.

I thought about the fact that I was alone in my bed and I laughed. I laughed because laughing alone in bed felt weird, but no one was around to think so.

I thought about Ian, my ex-boyfriend who died less than a year ago. His birthday on Earth just passed. Ian would have been twenty-four - the same age as me. I wonder if we get a different birthday in heaven. Maybe our second birthday is the day we go to heaven. I hope Ian gets some brown sugar cake on his birthday whenever he celebrates it. His Mom always made it for him. He loved brown sugar cake. Hopefully someone in heaven knows the recipe.

Sometimes I wonder if Ian is looking down on me, particularly on nights when I can't sleep. We went through a nasty break-up and both realized we were not meant for each other. When Ian died, I felt as though a huge piece of myself was gone, a piece only Ian shared and understood. We created a history together. I think Ian knows I'll always love him. (I hope.) I'm very much in love with the Observer. I'm sure this is clear to anyone looking down on us, Ian included.

I like to believe Ian can watch all of us live our lives until we meet in heaven. I smile at the thought that he gets the chance to watch me and the rest of the world, grow, take risks, make bad decisions, get jobs, get married, (or divorced) and move along life's road. Even so, it seems cruel that I get to have these experiences and Ian does not. I wish he were still alive. We probably wouldn't talk much, because it's tough to be friends with former flames. That's OK. The world would gain a great writer, a kind soul, a funny man, and a guy with amazing taste in girlfriends. :)

It is possible that Ian was looking down on me last night. As he saw me lying wide awake with my wheels spinning, Ian was probably thinking, "Is she ever going to stop thinking and just sleep?"


Sunday, December 17, 2006


You've got a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it in. Stress, especially over your financial situation, may demand that you take some time to refocus. You may have recently started to drift away from your target. If you become involved in a heated argument this afternoon, you would be wise back off.

Romance: Good Finance: Poor Health: Good Lucky Numbers: 10, 34, 39, 52

Copyright © 2006 Astrolis
* My horoscope sounds pretty realistic, especially the poor finances part unfortunately. I've been worried about getting sick because the flu is going around, so good health is a relief. The Observer is coming over soon, so I'll try my best not to pick a heated fight with him. (Just joking!) Here's to good fortune wherever you are! * - OCG

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Riding with the moods of the world...

My bus driver was nice to me this afternoon. I also had a taxi driver too. He was rude. He always is. I'm tempted to be rude back one day. I don't think that will ever happen. I talk a big talk. I do. Being rude doesn't solve anything but it's tempting. It's tempting to stand up for ourselves and dish out what we've had to take, but again, being rude doesn't help. At least I had one nice driver today.

Last night I hung out with my dog, Maddie. My parents went out so we kept each other company. She's getting old and lost her mobility due to a chronic disk injury. Maddie needs help with everything. We actually have much in common now. OK, back to last night - Maddie fell asleep on my bed. As I watched TV beside her, I decided to munch on chips. The very second I crunched into a chip, Maddie sprang into hyper alertness. She may have lost her physical abilities, but not her love for food. I'm glad about that. Maddie is almost always happy. She brings so much joy to our lives. Maybe the rude taxi driver I had today needs a dog. I bet the nice bus driver this afternoon has one.


* NOTE: The dog in the picture is a Cockapoo, like Maddie, except that Maddie is mostly all black. I know it's almost Christmas, not Halloween, but the dog was just so cute...*

Friday, December 15, 2006

Love You Lately...

You packed your last two bags.
A taxi's 'round the bend.
You used to laugh out loud,
But you can't remember when.

You lost your lies.
It's like your moving out of time,
And the whole word crumbles right beneath you.

So, I might've made a few mistakes,
But that was back when you would smile,
And we would go everywhere,
But we ain't been there for awhile.

And this I know,
There's a place that we can go-
A place where I can finally let you know.

'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately.
You and me,
we got this great thing.

We're the only one's that around,
We're the only one's that around this Babylon.

I hope you find whatever you've been lookin' for.
Just remember where you're from and who you are,
'Cause there's a thousand lights that'll make you feel brand new,
But if you ever lose your way,
I'll be right here for you.

'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately.
You and me,
we got this great thing.
So, come back and you sit down.

Everything's to see that you've come a long, long way,
And it's the place that you should be.
'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately.
You and me,
we got this great thing.

'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately.
You and me,
we got this great thing.

And we're the only one's that around,
We're the only one's that around this Babylon

LOVE YOU LATELY (Daniel Powter)

Get well soon...

The Obsever is sick. Poor guy. He has tummy troubles. That type of flu is the WORST. Give me a cold, headache, aches and pains or a fever over the stomach flu any day. I feel bad for him. We won't be able to see each other for a few days which sucks. It's Friday and we usually see other. It feels weird not to. I miss him.

Feel better soon!

Lots of love,


Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Out came the sun...

I am grumpy. My hair is wet. My skin is itchy and my throat is scratchy.

I wanted to go shopping today. I'm going to freeze. I should have asked to have my hair dried. It's too late now. I might go shopping later. Christmas shopping is really stressing me out. I'm buying gifts just for the sack of buying them without really considering the person the gift is for. That's not very thoughtful. My bad habit means I have to return a few things. It would have been easier to wait until I found the right gift. Ah well, I shopped and learned.

Yesterday I went to visit the Observer. I stayed a bit late and his family had to wait up for me. I hate when that happens. On the upside, the Observer's niece was so cute! Babies make everything better. We had cappuccinos. They are my new favourite drink - so frothy, creamy and smooth. Later I faced something else creamy, but this is a clean blog so enough of that...Anyway, the Observer's brother makes very good cappuccinos. I might go get one from Starbucks this afternoon.

I really want my hair to dry. So far it's taking forever. I'm getting chilly. I need to stop waiting for my hair to dry. Then it will.

My two front teeth are shifting. I know they are. I am concerned. Buck teeth are not attractive. Sometimes I see people who have buck teeth. I look at them and think to myself, "Poor person with those unfortunate teeth." Sometimes I get looks of pity from people, especially senior citizens because I use a wheelchair. I feel people staring at me and sometimes a quiet whisper of, "So sad." follows. They must think I'm hearing impaired too. If my teeth betray me, I'll get double pity. The looks will be two dimensional. Those stares will say, "Look at that poor girl who has a physical disability and has buck teeth."

Well, I've done a lot of complaining. The sun is out now, so I'll stop. Today's little bothers are fixable. Too many other things are not. I guess buck teeth aren't the end of the world...


Monday, December 11, 2006

Bits of weekend..

On the weekend I went to a Christmas party. An older lady who likes to drink was rude to everyone. She kind of ruined the night. I hope I'm never an alcoholic. She was awful. Poor lady.

On Sunday I woke up with a storm in my stomach. It was ugly. I didn't sleep much. I found a pretty, funky bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding. I will look OK. My sister-in-law-to-be is very relaxed so far. I'm glad. It makes all the planning and work more fun.

Today I slept in and shopped. Not a bad day. I have a few more gifts left to buy. I'm not totally happy with the gifts I brought. My mind isn't being as creative with present buying this Christmas. I'm buying, but I'm not at my best.

It's time for me to hit the hay. Maybe I'll wake up inspired to shop with gusto.

If you're on my list, pray...


Friday, December 08, 2006


You've probably had your heart broken before. There's no pain like it. No one can really describe how it feels; you've got to feel it for yourself.

I remember my first broken heart. For a little while I was numb and shocked. I couldn't believe that the only person I'd ever loved was not going to love me anymore, that everything we were was gone. It hurt. I can recall waking up and praying I was still sleeping. Being awake and aware was so painful. I felt as though half of myself was gone for a very long time.

I hated being alone. I hated the emptiness. I hated the present. It took me a while to understand that I used my first relationship to define myself and centered my life around being another half. After the initial shock and pain subsided, I started having fun and getting to know myself better. Gradually I discovered that I was OK without a boyfriend.

I feel lucky to have that first broken heart. Though it took the longest to heal, I learned so much from the process. Now I see that I can survive and that self-worth can never be connected to being with another person; it has to come from within myself. Today I feel like a stronger, more independent girlfriend.

Firsts mean there is no form of reference, nothing to compare or reflect on except the past. It's scary to not know whether this horrible pain will ever go away.

Through experience, we realize that the pain goes away. Always. We get angry. We feel sad. We dwell. We analyse. We reflect. We let go. We move forward. We risk again.

A good friend of mine lost her best friend. My heart goes out to her. I know the feeling of a broken heart. Before long ago, my only experience with heartache came from broken relationships. Then my former boyfriend died and I felt heartbreak, not from severed ties, but the end of life. It's different, much worse. It's so final. The end. We'll never see that person on Earth again. Unlike the end of relationships, when it comes to death, we have no choice. I think that's why it hurts so much.

Life is really unfair sometimes. At the same time, it's amazing that we can keep going. In the book Tuesdays With Morie there is a quote that says, "Death ends a life, not a relationship." I believe that. Perhaps each time our hearts break, they make a place for the person we have lost.


Saturday, December 02, 2006

Here comes the snow!

It snowed this morning, just a little...Snow is pretty, especially on the trees. Christmas is twenty-three days away. How did it get here so fast??? I'm getting old.

I have lots of shopping to do. Too much. I don't even want to begin. I feel like I have a big, tough school assignment waiting for me. The more I think about it, the more I worry and the less I want to start.....ah procrastination!

The Observer is coming over soon. We might shop. We might watch a movie. Freedom is sweet. Whatever we do today, I want to have a glass of red wine. I just tried a new kind called Naked Grape. It's good and sweet.

I looked in the mirror a few minutes ago. I told myself that I'll be alright, that I won't get fat if I eat and that life is not worth being unhappy about weight. I might forget to remember this tomorrow, but I at least I remembered today.

There's good music on the radio and my nose is itchy. Doesn't an itchy nose mean I will kiss a fool? I do that already!

I am chilly. My hair is still damp from my shower. I love showers, but it's hard to turn off the hot water in the winter. It's a bit like getting out of an indoor pool. You know you have to, but it's still hard - kind of like Christmas shopping. We'll see what happens today.



Friday, December 01, 2006

I'm a girl with a life...

I am disabled. Maybe you knew that. Maybe not. I cannot walk. I cannot dress myself. I cannot cook. I cannot get my mail. I cannot shower myself. I cannot clean. It sucks sometimes....


I can tell people I love them (and mean it!). I can pay bills. I can go to school. I can laugh. I can write. I can listen. I can speak. I can make decisions. I can make mistakes. I can learn. I can assert myself.

I rely on attendents to help me do what I cannot do for myself. As I've often said, some are better than others. They forget at times that they aren't there to run my life, but make it a bit smoother by being my hands and feet.

I get tired of being walked all over, of being accommodating at my own expense and having my life open to so many people. Some attendents are awesome and have become my true friends. Others I'd never chose to see.

I am frustrated today. I am being viewed as a patient, a job - not as a young person whose boyfriend just left after a visit or someone who might want to talk to her friends before hitting the hay. I hate that people see me as money, hours or work.

Living downtown I see a lot of homeless people. They sit on street corners, side-walks or bus shelters. I never really look at them directly. Some scare me and leave me uncertain of what will happen if I give too much of my attention. It's an ignorant response, not unlike the ones I face daily because of my dependence on others...

Next time I pass a homeless person, I will take a second and look at him/her. We all deserve to be treated as people, whatever the circumstances...