You've probably had your heart broken before. There's no pain like it. No one can really describe how it feels; you've got to feel it for yourself.
I remember my first broken heart. For a little while I was numb and shocked. I couldn't believe that the only person I'd ever loved was not going to love me anymore, that everything we were was gone. It hurt. I can recall waking up and praying I was still sleeping. Being awake and aware was so painful. I felt as though half of myself was gone for a very long time.
I hated being alone. I hated the emptiness. I hated the present. It took me a while to understand that I used my first relationship to define myself and centered my life around being another half. After the initial shock and pain subsided, I started having fun and getting to know myself better. Gradually I discovered that I was OK without a boyfriend.
I feel lucky to have that first broken heart. Though it took the longest to heal, I learned so much from the process. Now I see that I can survive and that self-worth can never be connected to being with another person; it has to come from within myself. Today I feel like a stronger, more independent girlfriend.
Firsts mean there is no form of reference, nothing to compare or reflect on except the past. It's scary to not know whether this horrible pain will ever go away.
Through experience, we realize that the pain goes away. Always. We get angry. We feel sad. We dwell. We analyse. We reflect. We let go. We move forward. We risk again.
A good friend of mine lost her best friend. My heart goes out to her. I know the feeling of a broken heart. Before long ago, my only experience with heartache came from broken relationships. Then my former boyfriend died and I felt heartbreak, not from severed ties, but the end of life. It's different, much worse. It's so final. The end. We'll never see that person on Earth again. Unlike the end of relationships, when it comes to death, we have no choice. I think that's why it hurts so much.
Life is really unfair sometimes. At the same time, it's amazing that we can keep going. In the book Tuesdays With Morie there is a quote that says, "Death ends a life, not a relationship." I believe that. Perhaps each time our hearts break, they make a place for the person we have lost.