Monday, December 18, 2006
Here's to the night...
I couldn't sleep last night. I did a lot of thinking, planning and making mental notes to myself. I work well with plans, even though my mind can be muddled. (Hence, the name of my blog.) I thought about the gifts I have left to buy, and the wrapping that will follow with the pretty snowflake paper I bought. I stared at my alarm clock and watched the hours slooowly pass. I called the Observer's cell phone, because I knew he turned it off. I told his voice-mail I couldn't sleep.
I thought about the fact that I was alone in my bed and I laughed. I laughed because laughing alone in bed felt weird, but no one was around to think so.
I thought about Ian, my ex-boyfriend who died less than a year ago. His birthday on Earth just passed. Ian would have been twenty-four - the same age as me. I wonder if we get a different birthday in heaven. Maybe our second birthday is the day we go to heaven. I hope Ian gets some brown sugar cake on his birthday whenever he celebrates it. His Mom always made it for him. He loved brown sugar cake. Hopefully someone in heaven knows the recipe.
Sometimes I wonder if Ian is looking down on me, particularly on nights when I can't sleep. We went through a nasty break-up and both realized we were not meant for each other. When Ian died, I felt as though a huge piece of myself was gone, a piece only Ian shared and understood. We created a history together. I think Ian knows I'll always love him. (I hope.) I'm very much in love with the Observer. I'm sure this is clear to anyone looking down on us, Ian included.
I like to believe Ian can watch all of us live our lives until we meet in heaven. I smile at the thought that he gets the chance to watch me and the rest of the world, grow, take risks, make bad decisions, get jobs, get married, (or divorced) and move along life's road. Even so, it seems cruel that I get to have these experiences and Ian does not. I wish he were still alive. We probably wouldn't talk much, because it's tough to be friends with former flames. That's OK. The world would gain a great writer, a kind soul, a funny man, and a guy with amazing taste in girlfriends. :)
It is possible that Ian was looking down on me last night. As he saw me lying wide awake with my wheels spinning, Ian was probably thinking, "Is she ever going to stop thinking and just sleep?"