Friday, December 21, 2007
* The ability to run (not walk, RUN!)
* A clear future path
* A stronger sense of worth
* Happiness of my family and friends
* To have less anxiety every day
* To know that I am being the best person, friend, daughter, girlfriend and sister possible.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
- Chinese Proverb
"The heart has its reasons that reason cannot understand."
"For all of your ills, I give you laughter."
- Francios Rabelais
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I know that it's not quite the 14th yet, but almost so Happy Birthday to you! You would have been 25 years old in a few hours.
It's obvious I'm writing this post for myself, because we all know you can't read it, but maybe you're watching me type this. I'm typing in the dark, which you probably find strange, right?
I'm sorry that you're not here. You've been gone for a year and a half now. It doesn't feel like it's been so long. I think of you often. When I do, sometimes I smile and sometimes there's this little tug inside of me and a lump forms in my throat. I think that's grief. It passes though.
The Simpson's movie came out this year, which I know you would have enjoyed. Do they have movies in heaven?
I hope you know what you brought to my life Ian - that you helped me be OK with myself and showed me what it means to do the best we can, even though we can't control time or what is ahead. You were my best friend for the years we were together. You showed me how to accept what cannot be changed and to love life in spite of its unfairness. I know I hurt you. I'm sorry. I feel your forgiveness, and it's helped me forgive myself.
Since you've been gone, I'm not afraid to die anymore, because, when it happens you will be there to greet me. Is that selfish? You know I'm an optimist, always looking for the good, even in the worst of circumstances. I so wish you were still alive - to love, write, play hockey and make people laugh. Since you can't be here, I have to find good somewhere.
I wonder about your family and if they are OK. I hope so. They are such good people. I think about your Mom. She's very strong. I try to write them during the holidays. It's important, because your memory is important.
I don't know if you celebrate birthdays in heaven, or maybe your new birthday is the day you arrived in heaven. However it works, I hope you have a special day up there and you eat some yummy brown sugar cake.
I miss you.
Happy Birthday Ian.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Thursday, December 06, 2007
I am trying to get in the holiday spirit. My little Christmas tree makes me very happy. It's so cute!
I'm feeling a little bit concerned because I have gained a little weight. Not much, just a little, but it is bugging me. I'm trying not to let it wreck my mood, but it's challenging. I'm learning that we all have little issues that may not be obvious to those around us so that is why we need to be sensitive to the things we say and do.
I went shopping two days ago. The Christmas rush has begun! Actually, I think it started a while ago but I just ignored it.
I'm excited to see the Observer this afternoon. We are going shopping. This will involve having a cup of coffee I am sure. He has been a superstar lately. I don't know what I would do without him. I hope he knows how much I appreciate his understanding and support.
I just bought a box of green tea. So far, I like it. To be honest, I'm not a real green tea person. The taste is a bit too mild for me, but I know that it's full of antioxidants which are very healthy. I also heard that it can aid in weight loss over time. I figured, why not give it another go? I'm excited to try it again. I had a very relaxing evening last night drinking my tea and reading my book. How old do I sound?
I needed to take out some money today. I'm not able to physically use the bank machine so I have a trick where I go to the grocery store or drugstore and buy something small and ask for cash back. Today I went to the drugstore and bought a small package of wine gums for my mom for $.99. She loves wine gums. I asked for $25 back. The cashiers might think that's strange to ask for so much money from such a little purchase, or maybe they have caught on to my trick. My mom does so much for me that a small package of wine gums every now and then is the very least I can do.
I need to buy gifts for Christmas but I am a little bit stumped. My problem is that I spend too long trying to decide what to buy. When I do, I often return the gift because I think that I have a better idea. Last year I exchanged many gifts for my family and friends for different choices. After Christmas I told them what my original gift was going to be. Their first response was, "Oh, I would have loved that!" I guess this just proves the theory that our first instinct is usually right. I learned this in first-year university with my intro psychology course. The whole course was multiple-choice exams and my professor advised us to always keep our first guess, because it is usually right. Over the years, I realized that my first instinct when it comes to really important decisions is usually right as well. When Christmas comes, I don't know why all my logic goes out the window and I make things so complicated.
I have to go home this weekend for a family dinner. I'm looking forward to sleeping in the bed I slept in as a little kid. It just feels more peaceful. I'm trying not to get too hyped up about the holidays but instead I'm trying to focus on being grateful for the little things in life, like green tea and going shopping with people I love.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
My funk is still fading. I'm happy. My Mom came by today to set up my Christmas tree. I love that tree. It makes me smile. The tree is trippy because it changes colour every few seconds. Mom is funny. She comes into my apartment like a cyclone rushing around trying not to forget to do little things. She manages to squeeze in a lot of little tasks in a relatively short time. Mom's are good at that. I'm lucky to have the one I do. She stocked me up with lots of supplies and cool stuff. I gave her a flower, which seemed like such a small gesture, but at least it's something.
I saw the Observer today too. He came to visit, which meant a lot to me. He traveled a long distance on a weekday. Seeing him is always great - sort of like watching my favourite show week after week because I know it will be worth my time.
I'm going away with my family this weekend to a chalet. I can't remember our last family weekend. I'm nervous. I love my family, but I usually catch up with them in small doses - not for three days straight. I have a feeling that I will be reading a lot since there will be little else to do. It might be relaxing.
Whatever happens, I will miss the Observer. He's better than any book and as enjoyable as any episode of Grey's Anatomy. In my opinion, it doesn't get much sweeter.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
The thing about weight is that people feel the need to talk about it. It changes. There's an obsession in the media and on TV.
I hate the feel of my tight jeans right now. I feel like a fat pig. Argh.............this will pass.
I love that you can laugh from your gut and not care what people think. You enjoy life and care about everyone. You would do anything for a friend, so people naturally want to help you. When you are around, people put their best foot forward, because yours always is. You make people, including me, feel important and we appreciate that.
I love that you love me with your whole heart. I can feel it every day. I love you with my whole heart too. I hope you can feel that every day. I love when you kiss my forehead.
I love how good natured you are. You've shown me how important it is to let things roll off your back. I will try to learn from you. I love that you aren't afraid to show emotion. It shows you are real.
I love the way you talk about the future. It is exciting. I know that we will always be you and me.
I love you, every day, every hour, every minute, every second. Please remember that.
Monday, November 12, 2007
It's raining today. It's raining hard. It's the kind of day when you wish you could stay in bed as soon as you open your eyes. I find those days hard to stay motivated because it is just so dark and dreary. Thankfully though the desire to stay in bed never lasts too long. It's just a matter of getting out from under the sheets and smelling coffee brewing that will get me moving.
It's also getting colder outside. Yuck! I'm not a winter person. I hate the cold. Just thinking about it makes me shiver with dislike. As I said earlier, the only thing I like about winter is Christmas. I keep saying that 50 years from now I am going to move to Florida where it is warm all year round but someone told me there is more and more hazardous weather around there. I can't believe how fast time is passing. It feels like it was just summertime.
I really want to go out today and buy a cup of coffee from a coffee shop near my house. Coffee from a coffee shop is something I really enjoy but a small novelty I don't allow myself every day. I guess if I did that, I might take it for granted. Yesterday I went to Starbucks with the Observer and had a cup of coffee at around seven thirty in the evening. As soon as I finished my cup of Java, I noticed myself talking faster and my thoughts were moving at lightning speed. There's just something about Starbucks. I think it's stronger than any other coffee around. If my stomach is a little bit off, it'll set a storm brewing.
We had a pretty mellow day yesterday just hanging out. We talked and watched TV for awhile and had dinner. I had a glass of red wine which I really enjoyed. I usually save wine for the weekend because it is a guilty pleasure. The only kind I drink is the red stuff. It's kind of funny because the Observer is the Italian one and he doesn't even like wine.
On Saturday I was going to go out for dinner and to a movie with friends in the "905" but I had transportation issues so I decided that, instead of taking the chance of getting stranded, it would be better just to stay at home and chill. At first I was disappointed but I actually ended up really enjoying the quiet reading time. Gee, I'm turning into an old lady!
Sometimes my favorite time of the day is when I am just quietly watching TV or reading a book before bed. Does that sound strange? Perhaps I am an introvert, but I do really enjoy being out with my friends. I guess that's normal. Everyone says that I must get lonely living alone but most of the time I enjoy it. To be honest, there are days when I wish I had company with me. I get tired of myself. I mean, it's not like I am alone all the time. I often go home and the Observer often comes to visit, which is something I really look forward to. I suppose, after l living alone for almost 5 years I've gotten used to it. I like to listen to my mellow music and drink my cup of coffee in the morning. It's funny how we develop our own little rituals. I guess they are all different, depending on who we are. Another one of my rituals into watching TV before I fall asleep. Since I got my TV at Christmastime, I've watched it every night. I enjoy watching CBC and News-world documentaries on TV.
Another obvious ritual that I do daily is talk on the phone. Most of us do , I suppose . When we live alone, and the phone rings, it can only be for one person. That can work as both an incentive or deterrent to pick up the phone. I like being able to keep the temperature of my apartment just as I like it. I like sleeping with no noise and waking up with just myself. Maybe I am so content to live alone because I am young. All advantages aside, it would be nice to settle down one day. Life is sweeter with two.
Today is Monday. It's almost the middle of November. Already??? Christmas is around the corner. Yahoo! I am like a little kid when it comes to the holidays. Who isn't?????? It's not the gifts or food that excite me. (They help, of course!) It's the traditions and family time. It's the memories. Holidays are hard to forget.
Well, the night is winding down, so I'm going to partake in my end of day ritual of hitting the hay very soon.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Halloween wasn't even two weeks ago, and it's already Christmas mania. There's Christmas commercials on TV, and holiday displays and deals in department stores. There's also pretty tree lights downtown. They make me happy. When it's dark and I'm passing through the neighbourhood, I see the lights and feel excited for the holidays. Maybe that's why the lights are there.
It now costs an extra 15 cents to ride the bus. Drivers will accept old tickets plus an additional 15 cents. Such chump change doesn't sound like much, but it's tricky to scrounge the exact amount.
I was on a wheelchair taxi with an older gentleman who was certain that the fare rates didn't change for another month. Being a senior, he was required to pay an extra ten cents. He got very annoyed, raised his voice and told the driver that transit officials said the rates stayed the same until December. To him, the issue wasn't about ten cents, it was about the taxi driver asking the man to do something he wasn't obligated to do. When the man started getting very worked up, the taxi driver phoned his boss and passed the phone to the angry gentleman. I could only hear one side of the conversation, but when it was over, the passenger forked over a dime. Peace at last.
Maybe when we are older, dimes matter a lot. Maybe we start to think people are out to get us, even if they are only driving us home. Maybe we have to hear about change from the top of the ladder before we take it to be the truth. Maybe we mean well, but we're stubborn. Maybe we try to hard to preserve our dignity, even if it really is just ten cents.
I wonder if that same man who was on the taxi the other day will notice how early stores and media advertise the buying of gifts and the celebrating of holidays. He probably thinks it's wrong - that stores are just trying to get us to buy into the Christmas hype and consumer culture. It's the truth. We do buy into things and culture, but there are good things about doing so - like pretty Christmas lights.
No one likes price hikes, but I'd rather pay 15 cents extra to travel than sit at home. Life is too short and it is satisfying to successfully find 3 dimes after a lenghthy search.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
Here I am.
I can hear you.
I'm not deaf, you know.
I just can't walk.
Please don't look at me with pity.
I don't make a habit of feeling sorry for myself, so you shouldn't either.
I think pity is insulting.
I can handle my life, thanks.
I have a room with orange walls.
and coffee every single day.
I love and I am loved.
Life has given me opportunities.
Sometimes I feel like God ripped me off in the deal of life
But at least my bet was counted.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
I'm enjoying my weekend so far. It's all about the Observer and me. Last night we went exploring and found one of our favourite chain restaurants. The night was crisp - not too chilly and just perfect for a long trek. We shared this AMAZING, rich, gooey, huge slab of chocolate cake. Every morsel was heaven. I'd do anything while eating that cake. It's worth every calorie. For me, part of the cake's appeal might be that it's about the size of three pieces of cake morphed into one gigantic slab of chocolaty heaven. When I eat it, I feel as though I am being deliciously bad. Every bite is fantastically sinful. I told the Observer that I'd eat a whole piece of that cake next week. I think I can do it. Where there is chocolate, anything is possible.
Today the Observer came over and we tried out a newly opened coffee shop. There was an air of sophistication to the place and it was obvious that they take coffee seriously. The Observer was impressed with the look and smell of their sweet treats, so we will have to check them out at a later date. The coffee itself was middle of the road in terms of taste, but my opinion could have been altered but my slightly sore stomach. If I am feeling unsettled in my belly, coffee can taste off and unsatisfying. Thankfully, this is rare though. We will definitely be returning to the shop a second time, so it couldn't have been that bad. My favourite part of living down-town is being surrounded by coffee shops. It's a caffeine opportunity at every turn.
We came home and ate dinner. I think I encouraged the Observer to eat more than he wanted, which I am sorry for. I worry he will be hungry and indirectly cause him to eat past his comfortable amount. I will work on listening to him, even if it means throwing out food. I don't want to be a host who causes her guests to feel overstuffed or bloated.
It's my bed-time now. I've had a good day. Love, chocolate cake, coffee and kisses is a recipe for a sweet day.
Friday, October 12, 2007
and my long, typing fingers
its getting darker earlier.
fall is now.
i felt chilly today.
the wind was blowing.
usually the observer comes over.
he's spinning the tunes tonight at a teen dance.
since i'm not a teen, i feel very out of place.
i know the observer will do a great job.
he always does.
that's why he keeps getting asked to be the disc jockey.
i miss him today, but i'm glad he's doing what he loves.
my stomach is making weird gurgling noises.
sometimes that happens when i chew gum.
maybe it has something to do with getting the gastric juices flowing.
i can hear myself chewing.
i hear a crackle.
i hear my grinding teeth.
i hear my gum shifting in my mouth.
i hear myself swallowing.
have you ever really listened to yourself?
you should try it.
you will be surprised how much you will hear,
even though you aren't saying anything.
i am lonely tonight.
the radio is playing sweet tunes,
but it's not a person,
i miss conversation and affection.
here i sit with with myself.
and the music.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
* Autumn leafs
* Finding a new song on the radio that I like
* The Observer
* Dove body wash
* My parents
* That the Observer is a good sport when I tease him
* Iced coffee
* Pretty gift bags
* The Dollar store
* My Dad's Birthday tomorrow
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
"After developing an eating problem, we then focus on dieting, food plans, elaborate schemes for losing weight and gaining the perfect body, a sense of meaning and a feeling of accomplishment. But no system built on deprivation, shame, punishment, guilt and fear will ever work - and this includes diets - because it does not recognize the fundamental reasons behind emotional eating."
"If we want to solve our obsession with food and body size, we need to look at the longings, the desperation, the beliefs and the images from which it grows."
"I began to see that I couldn't hate my body and appreciate myself, that one was a reflection of the other. Eating was not the problem. By treating as it were- by dieting, depriving myself, hating my body, I was treating symptoms rather than their cause."
"Being fat, it seemed, was fulfilling certain needs, and unless I dealt with those needs, I could lose weight many times and regain it just as often to continue meeting those needs. I learned that I couldn't take away compulsive eating unless I replaced it with understanding and acceptance."
"[Binging] is a descent into a world where every restriction you have placed on yourself is cut loose....At its core is a feeling of deprivation, scarcity, and a feeling you can never get enough. "
"Binges do not signify a lack of willpower or inability to care for yourself. On the contrary, binges can be a urgent attempt to care for yourself when you feel uncared for. They are the voice of survival."
"Binges are signals that you are not giving yourself what you need....They are your last stand against deprivation."
"Binges are the mark of the self that says, 'I am tired of feeling deprived, of being told I am wrong, that I am bad. I am tired of constant restrictions. Go to hell'......"
"When it's over, the pain that caused you to binge is still there."
"When you believe your hunger is related to something as controllable as the shape of your body, you don't have to undergo the sometimes long and often painful questioning of other things about yourself. You don't have to come face to face with empty dreams or the lack of fulfillment you experience in your work and/or relationships. You can decide your troubles are weight related and you continue to eat compulsively."
"Never attaining permanent status as a thin person, you continue to strive for a goal you will never achieve because you are standing in your own way. Reaching that goal would mean facing the unsettling conclusion that being thin had little to do with being happy and that all that effort did not bring you any closer to a sense of inner peace."
" Being thin is a 'thing'. Has any 'thing' ever brought you truly long lasting happiness? If being thin, for you, is the goal on which you pin your well-being, than you are probably hungry for something less tangible. You are probably depriving yourself in other areas of your life."
"Every time you 'use' food, you leave yourself. You walk out the door and leave yourself starving. At least you have an avenue into your inner world. Your eating can become a sign that you need something-even though you don't know what it is or how to get it. Rather than viewing it as a seizure that overtakes you and propels you toward food, you can use it as a barometer between you and your non-physical hunger."
"You can consider yourself fortunate to be a getting a message that is so easy to read."
- Geneen Roth
"When you abuse yourself, in a sense you abuse the world. If you learn to love yourself, you become an expert in self-preservation and your own healing. You begin to bloom and the world blooms around you."
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
I can hear cars whizzing by quietly. There's a humming noise and the "click" of me hitting the keys as I'm writing.
My mouth is wet. I drank a lot of fluids today. That doesn't happen all the time. My new favourite beverage is home-made frozen coffee. It's just a cup of brewed coffee with milk and sugar that stays in the freezer for a few hours. It's yummy. I love ANYTHING with coffee in it...........
Sometimes there is so much I want to do that I don't know where to start. I'm awful at making decisions, even deciding what to buy in the store takes me forever.
Today I needed cash. I usually buy an item from the drugstore that I know I will need eventually. Things like deodorant, toothpaste, or toilet paper. Buying these items allows me to stock pile essentials and I avoid the service charges of banks. I've been called thrifty and cheap. I wouldn't argue either. I wandered around the store this afternoon trying to choose what to buy. A small package of Bits & Bites caught my eye since it was 99 cents. Good deal, but I already had a few salty snacks in the cupboard. Why get more? I wandered around some more until a sale on English muffins caught my attention. They came in packs of eight for 99 cents. Add some peanut butter and there is eights meals for under 20 cents each. Practical, huh????? It took me forever to find those English muffins, but when I'm enjoying one for breakfast with peanut butter, I'll know it was worth the hunt.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Autumn is very pretty, especially with the leaves changing colour. There's a lot of orange around too, which I love. Pumpkins are fun. I'm not a big Halloween fan, but seeing kids dress up warms my heart. The cheap candy that stocks the drugstore shelves is a plus. Everything is crisp. I enjoy a little wind in the air to keep me alert and don't mind wearing a wind-breaker.
Maybe fall isn't that bad, but I dread the winter. I'm not a fan of winter coats, but I don't know many people who are. Christmas is the best part of winter. I love being with my family and loved ones over the holidays. It IS comforting to be cozy indoors and enjoy good company.
Seasons show us that there is good in everything if we choose to find it. Seasons are proof that everything changes, but nothing is ever really gone forever.
So, I'm going to enjoy fall and winter. I will miss spring and summer, but they will be back.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
I just came back from my home. I've been away for a few days. There were some plumbing problems in my apartment. The pipes were in trouble, as was the toilet, the floor, and the wall tiles. I went home, because well, a girl needs a toilet. It was a refreshing break. My family is one of a kind. I know I say that all the time, but I can't say it enough.
Where would I have gone if I couldn't go home????????? I shudder to think. I am lucky that I had a place to go, and even luckier to be around people I love. Home is where my family is. There is little else in life that I am so sure of.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
As much as I love babies, I'm not sure if I'll ever be a mother. If I wasn't disabled, then I'd have a baby for certain. No question. Hands down. I'd jump right in when the time was right. However, because both the Observer and myself have physical challenges, we aren't sure if it's in the cards for us to be parents.
How can we look after such a little person when we need help ourselves????????? Is it fair to be brought into the world and have many different people helping you with things your parents normally do???????????? Would I be as close to my child as able-bodied parents???????? Would my child be deprived because of the physical things I can't do for them?????????? Would I be selfish to have a child???????????
So many questions. I'm learning that it's best to just wait and see. In the end, life sometimes makes decisions for us. Whatever happens, I have love in my life, and for that, I am blessed.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Being in a relationship is painful. But it's real pain. It's not the pain of wanting someone who doesn't want you, nor is it the pain of trying to fix someone's life so that they can see the truth - or you.......Real pain happens when you strip away what's standing between you and being awake. It's the gritty pain of growing up..........It's the pain of shaking off what you've taken on and and isn't yours so that you can step into a glimmer of a life that is yours.
The pain of a compulsion is not real pain. Neither is the pain of being with an unavailable or abusive partner. I don't mean to say that you don't hurt, only the pain is piled on top of a deeper, truer, pain. There is original pain, pain of loss, loneliness, sorrow, fear. There is pain and there is pain on top of pain. Healing is about opening up the wound and letting it heal from the inside out, exposing it to the wind and sun and time, not piling bandages on it and screaming each time your skin gets caught in the adhesive tape.
The nature of obsession is that it protects you from the truth.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
*Tell the truth.
*Pain ends, and so does everything else.
*Be willing to be vulnerable.
*When you notice that you are clinging to anything and it's causing trouble, drop it.
*Be willing to fail.
*Don't let fear stop you from leaping into the unknown or from sitting in dark silence.
*Remember that everything gets lost, stolen, ruined, worn out, or broken: bodies sag and wrinkle: everyone suffers; and everyone dies.
*No act of love is ever wasted.
- p. 209
It matters whether you see yourself as someone who is capable of effecting change or whether you see yourself as someone whose voice does not count. It matters whether you treat yourself with reverence or with carelessness. Every bit of work you do on yourself matters. Every time you choose love, it matters.
When food is love, love is hard and lacquer-shiny. Love is outside of you, another thing to acquire and make yours. When love is love, there is nothing standing between you and your breaking heart.
Love moves you. And that is good.
The only thing worse than staying is leaving. I can't get away from myself.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
* My health
* Second Cup coffee
* Spur-of-the-moment plans with friends
* Being able to visit the Observer at his apartment
* My family
* Dove body wash
* Weekends at home
* Living downtown and being close to places/entertainment/coffee shops
* The comforter on my bed
* Having air-conditioning
* Sweet people
* Late-night phone conversations
* Watching music movies from my favourite bands
* When my family says that they miss me
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
The Observer and I saw the movie Hairspray on Friday. It's very entertaining and nostalgic in a way. Life seemed so simple and also a bit complex, segregation being a central theme since the plot took place in the 1960s. Maybe it was John Travolta in a fat suit playing a woman that made the film so comforting and funny. Maybe part of the movie's appeal was also the idea of close families where the mother was nurturing and the head of the household, something we don't often get exposure to in movies or books now. Being a musical, Hairspray was one of the flicks that drew me in quickly. It was like eating a potato chip. Once I started watching it, I didn't want to stop. I know the movie wasn't the Observer's favourite, but I did seem him smiling and tapping his fingers a few times, so it couldn't have been that bad.
I'm going to a 50th anniversary reception for the Observer's family today, hence the reason for my early morning. It should be a fun day. I do have a very sore throat and sound a bit husky, so people who don't know me might think I'm a bit strange.
I didn't see the Observer yesterday. I miss him. He's adjusting very well to his new apartment. I'm proud of him. Moving out and dealing with attendants is not easy, but I'm impressed with his resolve and determination to make it work. Given today's event, I was thinking about what it would be like to be married for 50 years and I suppose it also takes resolve and determination. I hope to someday celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary too. We should all be so blessed.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
"Life itself is a huge, temporary gift." (235)
"Live my life only as I can live it, or live a lie." (236)
"The purpose of life is not to be safe. It is to be open. To be dedicated to the truth, to the joy as it streams through your life. Because if you are not, then no matter what you have, you will always want more, you will be forever hungry. And if you are, than no matter what happens, you will one day discover that it is you who you have been hungering for. It has been you, not the food you eat, the clothes you buy, the people you love, the money you make. For lifetimes, for eons, for as long as it takes for a mountain to become a mountain, it has always been you. You are the feast.
By Geneen Roth
Sunday, August 12, 2007
If you've been hurt,
If you've been left,
It will get better.
If you've been deceived,
If you've been drowning in grief,
If you've been betrayed.
Be gentle with yourself.
If you are discouraged,
If you feel unsure,
If you are struggling,
If you can only see darkness,
If you feel lonely,
If you feel down,
If you don't know which way to turn,
If you thought you knew where you were going,
But got lost along the way,
If you're looking for something you can't seem to find,
If you're losing hope,
If looking to tomorrow seems impossible,
Because you are struggling with today,
If the future seems mysterious,
There is always a way.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Leaving home for the first time is a bittersweet experience for a lot of young people, I suppose. It means freedom and independence; it means choice, control and a sense of who we are, what we like, and the opportunity to build the life we envision for ourselves. On the other hand, leaving home is a bit scary, strange and surreal, as you inevitably come to the realization that you can do anything you want. You can have chocolate cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You can crank up the tunes on your radio and dance like a freak. You can leave the lights off while you are watching T.V. You can shrink your sweaters and burn your dinner. Like all firsts in life, there is an element of mystery and fear because you have no form of reference to tell yourself you know what to do.
The Observer is one sensitive dude. He wears his heart on his sleeve and is not afraid to show emotion. While it is rather refreshing to know someone like that, sometimes I tell him to toughen up. That dude will melt like an ice cream come at a sappy commercial, movie or song.
Like myself, the Observer needs attendant care daily to help with activities of daily living. I have learned that while most people who work in health-care related professions are caring, concise and helpful, there are some I could do without. I tell myself that the majority of people in the world are good, and once in a while, we need a less-than-wonderful person to show us that it's easier to be good than not. To learn that regardless of how considerate, accommodating and polite we are, there are those who will choose to be negative, rude and just plain persnickety is tough to swallow . Learning the lesson happened for me when I left the nest. I'm guessing the Observer will experience the same revelation.
I worry about people groaning when he asks for assistance, being sloppy with their work, and just plain not giving two flicks of a switch about him. The Observer is almost as cool and groovy as me, so I'm thinking that this will be advantageous. People are generally kind and caring when we offer them the same in return.
Firsts for everything are significant. From the first time we go to school, take a trip on a plane, get stung by a bee, our first date, first glass of wine, first exam, and first broken heart, we remember all of it well. In the movie Evening, there is a quote that says something like , "We remember our first mistake like we remember all the other firsts in life." I think that is true; however, since I rarely make mistakes, I can't remember my first one. Well, it's a foggy recollection at best.
I really value my independence and sense of space. I like being the lady of the house. I don't mind quiet or sitting alone in a coffee shop people watching and collecting my thoughts. Some people think that's odd and that I seem socially reclusive when I engage in solo coffee-shop-people watching or when I sit alone for hours reading, but I like it. Don't get me wrong: I also enjoy hanging out with my friends and good heart-to-heart conversation. I'm a girl who can swing between flying solo and flying on a full plane easily, and both make me happy.
I hope the Observer finds peace and contentment in his own four walls. I hope he learns to shrug off a less-than-sunshiny attendant and know that no one has the right to ruin his good day. Living alone is a fantastic experience but it has bumps in the road. Bumps are just challenges to help us grow.
Recently, I heard the following from Leonard Cohen, "Everything has cracks. That is how the light gets in."
Find the light wherever you may be .
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
i am reading i know why the caged bird sings by maya angelou. i love her poetry, but i'm embarrassed to admit that i've read few of her novels, including this one. it's good, even though there are disturbing parts. i just came to a part where the character is raped, so i decided it was a good time to take a breather.
speaking of taking a breather, the observer isn't getting much of one these days. he is overloaded and stressed with plans to move into his first apartment. having moved twice myself, i feel for the guy. firsts of anything are scary, especially starting a new phase of life. i am excited for him and know he will be glad he decided to move out once he is settled.
there are little red ants crawling on my wall in the kitchen. yuck! what is this?????? a bug zoo or buggery? stop bugging me, bugs! take a breather from my apartment; like i took a breather from using capitals. it feels good.