Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Dirty little whispers...

I hate when people talk about me when I'm right in front of them or within earshot. Either say something to me directly or wait until you're far away from me and I can't hear you. It's rude to whisper about someone else, especially when the person you're whispering about knows it's happening.

I get a lot of whispering around me because I work with so many different attendants. I think they forget I have ears and feelings. One of these days when they whisper around me I'm going to say, "Sorry, what was that you said? I didn't quite hear you."

There are days when I think maybe it's best that I don't know what they are discussing. Sometimes they aren't even talking about me, but other times, I know they are.

If I was really bold, I'd approach the impolite whisperers with, "It's so kind of both of you to flatter me amongst yourselves." When they look at me confused, I'll say, "Well, you must be complimenting me, because we all know that, if we haven't anything nice to say, we shouldn't say anything at all."


Monday, May 28, 2007

Hey There Delilah...

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true.
Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side.
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.
Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good.
Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all.
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me.
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way.
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame.
Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to.
Hey there Delilah
here's to you
This ones for you
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.
(By the Plain White T's)

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Thoughts from the tube...

Yesterday I watched some good quality TV. There was a W-5 documentary on forgiveness. I took away these insights:

  • We can't want happiness, peace and acceptance for ourselves and the others we love without wanting the same for the human race as a whole.

  • To forgive is to acknowledge pain, but not blame.

  • To move on, the full depth of loss must be felt.

  • The only way to fully heal is to embrace grief.

  • It's important to remember the people who were loved and their lives more than circumstances surrounding how they passed.

  • People we love and lose would not want us to live the rest of our lives full of anger and hurt.

An Oprah episode said the following about parenting:

  • Children don't model what we do to them; they model what they see us doing to ourselves.

  • When we don't love ourselves, children don't learn to love themselves, because they learn by modeling their parent's view of themselves.


Friday, May 25, 2007

To remember...

I am tired. My eyes are heavy and puffy. Maybe they are a bit red too. I am looking forward to sleep.

Have you ever thought you were OK with an event in your life and than you realize that you're still hurting? I mean, you're not in the midst of grief, but you still ache just a little?

Yesterday the Observer asked, "If I die will you come to my funeral?" I said yes without a thought. My mind wandered to the last funeral I went to. I remembered feeling like I was floating out of my body to some other strange surreal place. I remember a weird shaky sensation and a dry mouth. I remember a faint humming sound, my gage that told me I was still alive. I remember the feeling of air being sucked out of me and wanting to scream that I couldn't breathe. I remember thinking that if the pain didn't ease a little, I wanted to die myself.

I remember that funeral, because I lost someone I loved. Someone told me that funerals are for the living. It's true. I believe we should never miss the opportunity to honour someone we love, even if our hearts are broken because that person is gone.

Now I am off to bed. In my dreams will be all the people in my life that I love. Not far away from those dreams will be the people that I loved and lost.


Monday, May 21, 2007

Wedding bells...

It's almost the end of a loooong weekend. Already........How did it go by so fast?????? I always wonder that. Maybe we all do.

The main event of the weekend was a friend's wedding on Saturday where the Observer was Best Man. It was a beautiful ceremony. I think the groom and myself were the only ones to get choked up for that part of the wedding. The reception was very fun, but it felt strange not to sit with the Observer. His parents were good company, so I was lucky. The food was very Italian, which made me happy. There's nothing like a good plate of antipasto and red wine......even the Observer's parents were impressed with the food, which says a lot.

When it came time for the speeches, I was surprised by the lack of tears, but knew the Observer would shed a few. Sure enough, he didn't let me down and cried out of happiness and gratitude, which was very sweet. The Observer's speech was him and he was perfect. It was nice to spend time together after all the formalities were over. I'm very happy for the bride and groom and am very hopeful that someday my own wedding will be as special.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

The Sound Of Silence...

One of my favourite songs is The Sound Of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel. My parents love it too, so it makes me think of them and smile. Every time I hear that song, I am happy and have to stop what I am doing to appreciate the lyrics and melody. It's just a perfect song, I think. I hear The Sound Of Silence in movies, on the radio and in restaurants. When songs are played everywhere, it's a sign that they are special.....

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

There is really only one sound of silence. We've all heard it. The song can never be duplicated. They say silence is golden. Perhaps that's why this song is so extraordinary.


Saturday, May 12, 2007

I Love My Mom Because...

* She knows me the best of any person in the world.
* She has a massive heart, especially when it comes to her family.
* My home is wherever she is.
* Life just feels calmer when she is around.
* She knows EXACTLY what will make happy.
* She has shown me that it is possible to survive heartache and be stronger in the end.
* She loves my Dad as he deserves to be loved.
* She has shown me what it means to be a good wife and to look forward to marriage.
* She understands my sweet tooth and doesn't tell me to control it.
* Her chocolate cheese pie is the best dessert in the universe.
* No one says "I love you" to me and means it like she does.
* I love her like no one else in the world.
* She loves me unconditionally, just as I love her.



Thursday, May 10, 2007

Bugs be gone!

I hate bugs. I hate the ones that multiply and bite. Bugs make me itchy and squirmy. I'm always thinking that they are crawling on me, waiting to bite or worse laying eggs so a whole bug family can live on my skin. Call me crazy. Maybe I am, but just when it comes to critters.
I had the exterminator visit my apartment today. I just couldn't take it any more. I had ants - gross creepy, tiny, crawling, red ants. I haven't been sleeping well since I noticed them making themselves at home. I hate uninvited guests, especially when they bite.
When Pest Control left my apartment, there was a musty stench hanging in the air. I guess it was from the gel they put around. I've had the door open to air out my place all day. The soundtrack of the city is quite unique. It includes yelling, hooking, streetcars, dogs barking, laughter, bike riders, pedestrians and other summer sounds.
For a break from the bug killing smell, I wheeled to the mall. It was a pleasant trip. Warm weather seems to make people happy.
I bought two brightly-coloured shirts on sale with a gift certificate the Observer gave me as an anniversary present. Thanks Observer! I hardly ever buy anything. I guess technically I didn't buy the shirts, but both made me happy.
I feel bad for the deceased ants who passed this morning. I probably would not have gone shopping had there not been a funky smell lingering. I am glad I shopped, so thank you ants for motivating me to go. Every time I wear my new red and pinks shirts, I will think of you up in bug heaven. Rest in peace little critters.

Friday, May 04, 2007

A party for one...

My stereo is blasting loud tunes. I stepped out in the hall and heard music echoing through the door. Who was that rude, inconsiderate tenant, I thought? Heading back into my apartment, I realized it was me. I think there's something fun and exciting about blasting music when we're alone. Maybe my neighbours don't think so, but maybe they haven't tried it. Once they do, there's no turning back. They'll understand.


Thursday, May 03, 2007

The moon said so...

There was a full moon last night. I saw it. The moon was funky and cool. My mom says that sometimes people act funny when the moon is full. Women go into labour, cats wander away, pictures randomly fall off the walls, doors swing open and life is different. That's what I tell myself anyway.
The Observer learned today that there is apartment available with the kind of help he needs. Moving out of his parents' house is a big step for him. He's never lived away from home. Like me, the Observer needs help with personal care, cooking, cleaning and general household duties. He will need to work with attendants who will assist him with these tasks. It's hard to adjust to so many different coming in and out of your home every day, but I know the Observer will be OK. His kind, friendly nature will serve him well. I remember moving into my first apartment. It was like the beginning of my life. I'm excited for him. I'm so happy to be a part of the Observer's life, to be there as he beings a new chapter, because, in many ways, our chapters are from the same book.
As I looked through the window at the moon last night, I had a hunch something big was about to happen. Maybe moons cause the world to be a little off kilter and also provide a glimpse of what is ahead.
Heaven must be a wonderful place now that you are there, because I know the world is a lot less beautiful. If tears could build a stairway, and memories were a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again. No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before I knew it, and only God knows why. My heart still aches in sadness, and secret tears still flow. What it meant to lose you, no one will ever know.

You'll get over it. It's the clich├ęs that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The articulation of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made any different by death. This hole in my heart is the shape of you and no one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?

When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time - the way the mail stops coming - and their scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in their closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone. Just when the day comes, when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feelings that they're gone forever, there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.

I think about how much I miss him and start to feel sorry for myself, but then I think about everyone who didn't know him, and I start to feel sorry for them.

- Unknown

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Don't Quit...

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,

if you must;
but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow;
You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup.
And he learned too late,
when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit;
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

- Unknown