Saturday, October 20, 2007


Weekends are usually something to look forward to. Free time is almost always great. I don't know anyone who doesn't like time off - unless it's because of loss or something.

I'm enjoying my weekend so far. It's all about the Observer and me. Last night we went exploring and found one of our favourite chain restaurants. The night was crisp - not too chilly and just perfect for a long trek. We shared this AMAZING, rich, gooey, huge slab of chocolate cake. Every morsel was heaven. I'd do anything while eating that cake. It's worth every calorie. For me, part of the cake's appeal might be that it's about the size of three pieces of cake morphed into one gigantic slab of chocolaty heaven. When I eat it, I feel as though I am being deliciously bad. Every bite is fantastically sinful. I told the Observer that I'd eat a whole piece of that cake next week. I think I can do it. Where there is chocolate, anything is possible.

Today the Observer came over and we tried out a newly opened coffee shop. There was an air of sophistication to the place and it was obvious that they take coffee seriously. The Observer was impressed with the look and smell of their sweet treats, so we will have to check them out at a later date. The coffee itself was middle of the road in terms of taste, but my opinion could have been altered but my slightly sore stomach. If I am feeling unsettled in my belly, coffee can taste off and unsatisfying. Thankfully, this is rare though. We will definitely be returning to the shop a second time, so it couldn't have been that bad. My favourite part of living down-town is being surrounded by coffee shops. It's a caffeine opportunity at every turn.

We came home and ate dinner. I think I encouraged the Observer to eat more than he wanted, which I am sorry for. I worry he will be hungry and indirectly cause him to eat past his comfortable amount. I will work on listening to him, even if it means throwing out food. I don't want to be a host who causes her guests to feel overstuffed or bloated.

It's my bed-time now. I've had a good day. Love, chocolate cake, coffee and kisses is a recipe for a sweet day.


Friday, October 12, 2007


here i sit with myself.
just me.
and my long, typing fingers
click, click.

its getting darker earlier.
fall is now.
i felt chilly today.
the wind was blowing.

it's friday.
usually the observer comes over.
he's spinning the tunes tonight at a teen dance.
since i'm not a teen, i feel very out of place.

i know the observer will do a great job.
he always does.
that's why he keeps getting asked to be the disc jockey.
i miss him today, but i'm glad he's doing what he loves.

my stomach is making weird gurgling noises.
sometimes that happens when i chew gum.
maybe it has something to do with getting the gastric juices flowing.
i can hear myself chewing.

i hear a crackle.
i hear my grinding teeth.
i hear my gum shifting in my mouth.
i hear myself swallowing.

have you ever really listened to yourself?
you should try it.
you will be surprised how much you will hear,
even though you aren't saying anything.

i am lonely tonight.
the radio is playing sweet tunes,
but it's not a person,
i miss conversation and affection.

here i sit with with myself.
just me.
click, click
and the music.


Saturday, October 06, 2007

In the spirit of Thanksgiving...

I'm Thankful For...

* Autumn leafs

* Saturdays

* Finding a new song on the radio that I like

* The Observer

* Dove body wash

* Holidays

* My parents

* That the Observer is a good sport when I tease him

* Iced coffee

* Pretty gift bags

* The Dollar store

* Sushi


* My Dad's Birthday tomorrow

* Laughter

* Rain

* Love


Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Feeding the hungry heart...

"Until the hunger of the heart is named and touched, no amount of advice - no matter how medically correct - will enable someone to stop eating destructively. If someone is using food to slowly kill herself, giving her an exercise-and-food plan will not turn her around. We need to recognize that she wants to die; we need to see her eating as a way of expressing what she doesn't know what to say another way. We need to touch the ground of the pain, dissolve its roots."

"After developing an eating problem, we then focus on dieting, food plans, elaborate schemes for losing weight and gaining the perfect body, a sense of meaning and a feeling of accomplishment. But no system built on deprivation, shame, punishment, guilt and fear will ever work - and this includes diets - because it does not recognize the fundamental reasons behind emotional eating."

"If we want to solve our obsession with food and body size, we need to look at the longings, the desperation, the beliefs and the images from which it grows."

"I began to see that I couldn't hate my body and appreciate myself, that one was a reflection of the other. Eating was not the problem. By treating as it were- by dieting, depriving myself, hating my body, I was treating symptoms rather than their cause."

"Being fat, it seemed, was fulfilling certain needs, and unless I dealt with those needs, I could lose weight many times and regain it just as often to continue meeting those needs. I learned that I couldn't take away compulsive eating unless I replaced it with understanding and acceptance."

"[Binging] is a descent into a world where every restriction you have placed on yourself is cut loose....At its core is a feeling of deprivation, scarcity, and a feeling you can never get enough. "

"Binges do not signify a lack of willpower or inability to care for yourself. On the contrary, binges can be a urgent attempt to care for yourself when you feel uncared for. They are the voice of survival."

"Binges are signals that you are not giving yourself what you need....They are your last stand against deprivation."

"Binges are the mark of the self that says, 'I am tired of feeling deprived, of being told I am wrong, that I am bad. I am tired of constant restrictions. Go to hell'......"

"When it's over, the pain that caused you to binge is still there."

"When you believe your hunger is related to something as controllable as the shape of your body, you don't have to undergo the sometimes long and often painful questioning of other things about yourself. You don't have to come face to face with empty dreams or the lack of fulfillment you experience in your work and/or relationships. You can decide your troubles are weight related and you continue to eat compulsively."

"Never attaining permanent status as a thin person, you continue to strive for a goal you will never achieve because you are standing in your own way. Reaching that goal would mean facing the unsettling conclusion that being thin had little to do with being happy and that all that effort did not bring you any closer to a sense of inner peace."

" Being thin is a 'thing'. Has any 'thing' ever brought you truly long lasting happiness? If being thin, for you, is the goal on which you pin your well-being, than you are probably hungry for something less tangible. You are probably depriving yourself in other areas of your life."

"Every time you 'use' food, you leave yourself. You walk out the door and leave yourself starving. At least you have an avenue into your inner world. Your eating can become a sign that you need something-even though you don't know what it is or how to get it. Rather than viewing it as a seizure that overtakes you and propels you toward food, you can use it as a barometer between you and your non-physical hunger."

"You can consider yourself fortunate to be a getting a message that is so easy to read."

- Geneen Roth

"When you abuse yourself, in a sense you abuse the world. If you learn to love yourself, you become an expert in self-preservation and your own healing. You begin to bloom and the world blooms around you."

- Unknown

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Sense of cents...

I'm typing in the dark. All I am getting is the light from the computer. It's kind of cool, but my eyes are feeling strained, so I'm turning on the light. That's better.
I can hear cars whizzing by quietly. There's a humming noise and the "click" of me hitting the keys as I'm writing.

My mouth is wet. I drank a lot of fluids today. That doesn't happen all the time. My new favourite beverage is home-made frozen coffee. It's just a cup of brewed coffee with milk and sugar that stays in the freezer for a few hours. It's yummy. I love ANYTHING with coffee in it...........

Sometimes there is so much I want to do that I don't know where to start. I'm awful at making decisions, even deciding what to buy in the store takes me forever.

Today I needed cash. I usually buy an item from the drugstore that I know I will need eventually. Things like deodorant, toothpaste, or toilet paper. Buying these items allows me to stock pile essentials and I avoid the service charges of banks. I've been called thrifty and cheap. I wouldn't argue either. I wandered around the store this afternoon trying to choose what to buy. A small package of Bits & Bites caught my eye since it was 99 cents. Good deal, but I already had a few salty snacks in the cupboard. Why get more? I wandered around some more until a sale on English muffins caught my attention. They came in packs of eight for 99 cents. Add some peanut butter and there is eights meals for under 20 cents each. Practical, huh????? It took me forever to find those English muffins, but when I'm enjoying one for breakfast with peanut butter, I'll know it was worth the hunt.