Thursday, November 29, 2007


I love my family. I love them so much. They are always here and there.

We would all do anything to help each other. I guess that's how family ought to be. We tease each other a lot. Sometimes we can be mean, but we're always quick to apologize. We laugh a lot. I see my family frequently. When I don't, I miss them. A part of my life is missing. I feel incomplete. When I think about it, I guess this makes sense. My parents knew me before anyone else. They watched me evolve from peanut to person. They influenced my personality, encouraging behaviours and characteristics and discouraging others. They watched me fall and (litterally) picked me up. They have provided their wisdom, guidance and support, even when I was not at my best.

My grandpa always says that family sticks around when everyone else is busy or searching for other people. He's right. My family has always been here and never broken my heart.

I'm nervous about the weekend - about all the people, activity, teasing, food and noise. I'm nervous about being bored. Books are cool, but what if I get a headace?????? What if my parents treat me like a kid???? What if they baby me??????? What if I get frustrated and explode?????????

I have to be fair. They have been my family for twenty-five years. I think I can hang out with them for three days. I will miss the Observer. We always tell each other that family comes first. I put him next in my life. I will look forward to coming home and seeing him. The way I'm talking, three days sounds like forever! It's not a long time. I hope it goes by quickly, because time flies when you're having fun!


Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Here comes a winter weekend...

I'm listening to the TV - not watching just listening. That's kind of a waste of electricity, I know. Don't tell.

My funk is still fading. I'm happy. My Mom came by today to set up my Christmas tree. I love that tree. It makes me smile. The tree is trippy because it changes colour every few seconds. Mom is funny. She comes into my apartment like a cyclone rushing around trying not to forget to do little things. She manages to squeeze in a lot of little tasks in a relatively short time. Mom's are good at that. I'm lucky to have the one I do. She stocked me up with lots of supplies and cool stuff. I gave her a flower, which seemed like such a small gesture, but at least it's something.

I saw the Observer today too. He came to visit, which meant a lot to me. He traveled a long distance on a weekday. Seeing him is always great - sort of like watching my favourite show week after week because I know it will be worth my time.

I'm going away with my family this weekend to a chalet. I can't remember our last family weekend. I'm nervous. I love my family, but I usually catch up with them in small doses - not for three days straight. I have a feeling that I will be reading a lot since there will be little else to do. It might be relaxing.

Whatever happens, I will miss the Observer. He's better than any book and as enjoyable as any episode of Grey's Anatomy. In my opinion, it doesn't get much sweeter.


Monday, November 26, 2007

Funked up...

Have you ever been in a funk? If you're human, you will answer yes. If you answer no, sorry but you're lying. Funks happen. I bet even the queen has them.

See, I've been in a funk for the last few days. Stuff has been bugging me. I feel as wide as a house. My clothes are STILL tight. It's OK though. I will be fine. I just keep telling myself that.

The Observer and I saw Bee Movie yesterday. It's very funny and smart - not just for kids. We both laughed, which means it's a movie that appeals to different tastes.

After the movie, I asked the Observer if we could go to the grocery store so I could pick up a few things. I told him it would only take a minute. We spent an hour and a half there. I thought I wanted soup since I finished the last can the day before. We found a big bin of discounted soup cans and the Observer kindly sifted through them for a can of chicken noodle. Then I found tomato soup and picked up a can too. I decided I wanted fruit, so the Observer picked up two pears. On the way to the check-out counter, I changed my mind about the soup and pears. If I was the Observer, I would have strangled me. He spent so long sorting through soup cans to find just the one (s) I wanted. I debated getting the pears for a very long time. Let's be honest: two pears aren't a big deal. I would have eaten them eventually. It's not like buying them would have been hard on the purse strings, but sometimes I just can't make decisions - whether it's pears or where to live. The Observer just laughed and shook his head. He's patient. If you hang out with yours truly, it's a trait you'll come to appreciate.

We also went to Starbucks for coffee, which I always enjoy. It's a good chance for the Observer and I to have a heart-to-chat, and of course, the coffee is good.

So, my funk is slowly fading. I feel like buying some pears or soup. Or not............


Monday, November 19, 2007

Weighty matters....

I feel really, really fat today. My jeans are tight. To me, this is the end of the world. Honestly. You know how they say we all have something? you know that little obsession or quirk that we're embarrassed to discuss? Well, for me, it's my weight. I'm very, very sensitive about my body size. People who don't know me well in real life might find this odd since I'm a pretty simple girl. I can't be bothered with make-up, I dress conservatively, and I try to be healthy. Since weight and health are connected, I suppose there IS a connection.

The thing about weight is that people feel the need to talk about it. It changes. There's an obsession in the media and on TV.

I hate the feel of my tight jeans right now. I feel like a fat pig. Argh.............this will pass.


Dear Observer,

I am sitting here looking at a picture of us smiling. We look so happy together. Looking at you makes me smile. You are such a good soul. People tell me that all the time. They meet you and can tell how good you are within seconds. I love that about you.

I love that you can laugh from your gut and not care what people think. You enjoy life and care about everyone. You would do anything for a friend, so people naturally want to help you. When you are around, people put their best foot forward, because yours always is. You make people, including me, feel important and we appreciate that.

I love that you love me with your whole heart. I can feel it every day. I love you with my whole heart too. I hope you can feel that every day. I love when you kiss my forehead.

I love how good natured you are. You've shown me how important it is to let things roll off your back. I will try to learn from you. I love that you aren't afraid to show emotion. It shows you are real.

I love the way you talk about the future. It is exciting. I know that we will always be you and me.

I love you, every day, every hour, every minute, every second. Please remember that.


Monday, November 12, 2007

This, that, and other stuff...

It's raining today. It's raining hard. It's the kind of day when you wish you could stay in bed as soon as you open your eyes. I find those days hard to stay motivated because it is just so dark and dreary. Thankfully though the desire to stay in bed never lasts too long. It's just a matter of getting out from under the sheets and smelling coffee brewing that will get me moving.

It's also getting colder outside. Yuck! I'm not a winter person. I hate the cold. Just thinking about it makes me shiver with dislike. As I said earlier, the only thing I like about winter is Christmas. I keep saying that 50 years from now I am going to move to Florida where it is warm all year round but someone told me there is more and more hazardous weather around there. I can't believe how fast time is passing. It feels like it was just summertime.

I really want to go out today and buy a cup of coffee from a coffee shop near my house. Coffee from a coffee shop is something I really enjoy but a small novelty I don't allow myself every day. I guess if I did that, I might take it for granted. Yesterday I went to Starbucks with the Observer and had a cup of coffee at around seven thirty in the evening. As soon as I finished my cup of Java, I noticed myself talking faster and my thoughts were moving at lightning speed. There's just something about Starbucks. I think it's stronger than any other coffee around. If my stomach is a little bit off, it'll set a storm brewing.

We had a pretty mellow day yesterday just hanging out. We talked and watched TV for awhile and had dinner. I had a glass of red wine which I really enjoyed. I usually save wine for the weekend because it is a guilty pleasure. The only kind I drink is the red stuff. It's kind of funny because the Observer is the Italian one and he doesn't even like wine.

On Saturday I was going to go out for dinner and to a movie with friends in the "905" but I had transportation issues so I decided that, instead of taking the chance of getting stranded, it would be better just to stay at home and chill. At first I was disappointed but I actually ended up really enjoying the quiet reading time. Gee, I'm turning into an old lady!

Sometimes my favorite time of the day is when I am just quietly watching TV or reading a book before bed. Does that sound strange? Perhaps I am an introvert, but I do really enjoy being out with my friends. I guess that's normal. Everyone says that I must get lonely living alone but most of the time I enjoy it. To be honest, there are days when I wish I had company with me. I get tired of myself. I mean, it's not like I am alone all the time. I often go home and the Observer often comes to visit, which is something I really look forward to. I suppose, after l living alone for almost 5 years I've gotten used to it. I like to listen to my mellow music and drink my cup of coffee in the morning. It's funny how we develop our own little rituals. I guess they are all different, depending on who we are. Another one of my rituals into watching TV before I fall asleep. Since I got my TV at Christmastime, I've watched it every night. I enjoy watching CBC and News-world documentaries on TV.

Another obvious ritual that I do daily is talk on the phone. Most of us do , I suppose . When we live alone, and the phone rings, it can only be for one person. That can work as both an incentive or deterrent to pick up the phone. I like being able to keep the temperature of my apartment just as I like it. I like sleeping with no noise and waking up with just myself. Maybe I am so content to live alone because I am young. All advantages aside, it would be nice to settle down one day. Life is sweeter with two.

Today is Monday. It's almost the middle of November. Already??? Christmas is around the corner. Yahoo! I am like a little kid when it comes to the holidays. Who isn't?????? It's not the gifts or food that excite me. (They help, of course!) It's the traditions and family time. It's the memories. Holidays are hard to forget.

Well, the night is winding down, so I'm going to partake in my end of day ritual of hitting the hay very soon.



Saturday, November 10, 2007

All in the name of ten cents...

The sun is VERY bright today. I'm sitting by a window and it's shinning like it's summer time. A small part of me wishes we had this weather, but we'd have to miss Christmas and that wouldn't be worth it. We can't have it all, but once in a while, it would nice to be selective.

Halloween wasn't even two weeks ago, and it's already Christmas mania. There's Christmas commercials on TV, and holiday displays and deals in department stores. There's also pretty tree lights downtown. They make me happy. When it's dark and I'm passing through the neighbourhood, I see the lights and feel excited for the holidays. Maybe that's why the lights are there.

It now costs an extra 15 cents to ride the bus. Drivers will accept old tickets plus an additional 15 cents. Such chump change doesn't sound like much, but it's tricky to scrounge the exact amount.

I was on a wheelchair taxi with an older gentleman who was certain that the fare rates didn't change for another month. Being a senior, he was required to pay an extra ten cents. He got very annoyed, raised his voice and told the driver that transit officials said the rates stayed the same until December. To him, the issue wasn't about ten cents, it was about the taxi driver asking the man to do something he wasn't obligated to do. When the man started getting very worked up, the taxi driver phoned his boss and passed the phone to the angry gentleman. I could only hear one side of the conversation, but when it was over, the passenger forked over a dime. Peace at last.

Maybe when we are older, dimes matter a lot. Maybe we start to think people are out to get us, even if they are only driving us home. Maybe we have to hear about change from the top of the ladder before we take it to be the truth. Maybe we mean well, but we're stubborn. Maybe we try to hard to preserve our dignity, even if it really is just ten cents.

I wonder if that same man who was on the taxi the other day will notice how early stores and media advertise the buying of gifts and the celebrating of holidays. He probably thinks it's wrong - that stores are just trying to get us to buy into the Christmas hype and consumer culture. It's the truth. We do buy into things and culture, but there are good things about doing so - like pretty Christmas lights.

No one likes price hikes, but I'd rather pay 15 cents extra to travel than sit at home. Life is too short and it is satisfying to successfully find 3 dimes after a lenghthy search.


Thursday, November 08, 2007

I'm grateful for...

- technology

- calls from friends

- the ability to sleep in

- living close to a grocery store

- the pretty lights downtown

- the Beatles

- relaxing tunes

- good documentaries on TV


Monday, November 05, 2007

Just so you know...

Here I am.
I can hear you.

I'm not deaf, you know.
I just can't walk.
Please don't look at me with pity.

I don't make a habit of feeling sorry for myself, so you shouldn't either.
I think pity is insulting.
I can handle my life, thanks.

I have a room with orange walls.
and coffee every single day.
I love and I am loved.

Life has given me opportunities.
Sometimes I feel like God ripped me off in the deal of life
But at least my bet was counted.