Friday, December 21, 2007

A Christmas Question...

If you could have anything in the world for yourself for xmas, real or imaginary or what ever, what would it be?


* The ability to run (not walk, RUN!)

* A clear future path

* A stronger sense of worth

* Happiness of my family and friends

* To have less anxiety every day

* To know that I am being the best person, friend, daughter, girlfriend and sister possible.


Sunday, December 16, 2007

Quotes I like...

"You can't prevent birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair."

- Chinese Proverb

"The heart has its reasons that reason cannot understand."

- Pascal

"For all of your ills, I give you laughter."

- Francios Rabelais

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Happy Birthday!!!

Dear Ian,

I know that it's not quite the 14th yet, but almost so Happy Birthday to you! You would have been 25 years old in a few hours.

It's obvious I'm writing this post for myself, because we all know you can't read it, but maybe you're watching me type this. I'm typing in the dark, which you probably find strange, right?

I'm sorry that you're not here. You've been gone for a year and a half now. It doesn't feel like it's been so long. I think of you often. When I do, sometimes I smile and sometimes there's this little tug inside of me and a lump forms in my throat. I think that's grief. It passes though.

The Simpson's movie came out this year, which I know you would have enjoyed. Do they have movies in heaven?

I hope you know what you brought to my life Ian - that you helped me be OK with myself and showed me what it means to do the best we can, even though we can't control time or what is ahead. You were my best friend for the years we were together. You showed me how to accept what cannot be changed and to love life in spite of its unfairness. I know I hurt you. I'm sorry. I feel your forgiveness, and it's helped me forgive myself.

Since you've been gone, I'm not afraid to die anymore, because, when it happens you will be there to greet me. Is that selfish? You know I'm an optimist, always looking for the good, even in the worst of circumstances. I so wish you were still alive - to love, write, play hockey and make people laugh. Since you can't be here, I have to find good somewhere.

I wonder about your family and if they are OK. I hope so. They are such good people. I think about your Mom. She's very strong. I try to write them during the holidays. It's important, because your memory is important.

I don't know if you celebrate birthdays in heaven, or maybe your new birthday is the day you arrived in heaven. However it works, I hope you have a special day up there and you eat some yummy brown sugar cake.

I miss you.

Happy Birthday Ian.


Sunday, December 09, 2007

Bits of morning...

Sunday morning

early wake up

chat with Mom

busy house

company coming


toast with margarine

hot shower

so relaxing

good for the soul

feel refreshed

it's all about the little things.


Thursday, December 06, 2007


Hello. It's Thursday and kind of cold outside. Winter is here. I started the day with a delicious cup of coffee. It was everything coffee should be. Just perfect. I had to run some errands this morning. I went to buy bus tickets but they were out. Not my lucky day I guess.

I am trying to get in the holiday spirit. My little Christmas tree makes me very happy. It's so cute!

I'm feeling a little bit concerned because I have gained a little weight. Not much, just a little, but it is bugging me. I'm trying not to let it wreck my mood, but it's challenging. I'm learning that we all have little issues that may not be obvious to those around us so that is why we need to be sensitive to the things we say and do.

I went shopping two days ago. The Christmas rush has begun! Actually, I think it started a while ago but I just ignored it.

I'm excited to see the Observer this afternoon. We are going shopping. This will involve having a cup of coffee I am sure. He has been a superstar lately. I don't know what I would do without him. I hope he knows how much I appreciate his understanding and support.

I just bought a box of green tea. So far, I like it. To be honest, I'm not a real green tea person. The taste is a bit too mild for me, but I know that it's full of antioxidants which are very healthy. I also heard that it can aid in weight loss over time. I figured, why not give it another go? I'm excited to try it again. I had a very relaxing evening last night drinking my tea and reading my book. How old do I sound?

I needed to take out some money today. I'm not able to physically use the bank machine so I have a trick where I go to the grocery store or drugstore and buy something small and ask for cash back. Today I went to the drugstore and bought a small package of wine gums for my mom for $.99. She loves wine gums. I asked for $25 back. The cashiers might think that's strange to ask for so much money from such a little purchase, or maybe they have caught on to my trick. My mom does so much for me that a small package of wine gums every now and then is the very least I can do.

I need to buy gifts for Christmas but I am a little bit stumped. My problem is that I spend too long trying to decide what to buy. When I do, I often return the gift because I think that I have a better idea. Last year I exchanged many gifts for my family and friends for different choices. After Christmas I told them what my original gift was going to be. Their first response was, "Oh, I would have loved that!" I guess this just proves the theory that our first instinct is usually right. I learned this in first-year university with my intro psychology course. The whole course was multiple-choice exams and my professor advised us to always keep our first guess, because it is usually right. Over the years, I realized that my first instinct when it comes to really important decisions is usually right as well. When Christmas comes, I don't know why all my logic goes out the window and I make things so complicated.

I have to go home this weekend for a family dinner. I'm looking forward to sleeping in the bed I slept in as a little kid. It just feels more peaceful. I'm trying not to get too hyped up about the holidays but instead I'm trying to focus on being grateful for the little things in life, like green tea and going shopping with people I love.