Thursday, December 13, 2007

Happy Birthday!!!

Dear Ian,

I know that it's not quite the 14th yet, but almost so Happy Birthday to you! You would have been 25 years old in a few hours.

It's obvious I'm writing this post for myself, because we all know you can't read it, but maybe you're watching me type this. I'm typing in the dark, which you probably find strange, right?

I'm sorry that you're not here. You've been gone for a year and a half now. It doesn't feel like it's been so long. I think of you often. When I do, sometimes I smile and sometimes there's this little tug inside of me and a lump forms in my throat. I think that's grief. It passes though.

The Simpson's movie came out this year, which I know you would have enjoyed. Do they have movies in heaven?

I hope you know what you brought to my life Ian - that you helped me be OK with myself and showed me what it means to do the best we can, even though we can't control time or what is ahead. You were my best friend for the years we were together. You showed me how to accept what cannot be changed and to love life in spite of its unfairness. I know I hurt you. I'm sorry. I feel your forgiveness, and it's helped me forgive myself.

Since you've been gone, I'm not afraid to die anymore, because, when it happens you will be there to greet me. Is that selfish? You know I'm an optimist, always looking for the good, even in the worst of circumstances. I so wish you were still alive - to love, write, play hockey and make people laugh. Since you can't be here, I have to find good somewhere.

I wonder about your family and if they are OK. I hope so. They are such good people. I think about your Mom. She's very strong. I try to write them during the holidays. It's important, because your memory is important.

I don't know if you celebrate birthdays in heaven, or maybe your new birthday is the day you arrived in heaven. However it works, I hope you have a special day up there and you eat some yummy brown sugar cake.

I miss you.

Happy Birthday Ian.


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