Thursday, January 31, 2008

Coffee and sunshine...

Hello. Today is Thursday! The week has gone by pretty quickly. Monday seemed to be the fastest day . Things seem to be settling down now, which is a blessing. Mom has turned a corner in a good way. Every day is a reason to be grateful.

Tomorrow is February 1st. I can't believe that! It's been pretty busy lately with going back and forth from my apartment to my family. I never realized just how far away I live from them until I had to travel as often as I do now. It's my family, so I would do anything for them.

Yesterday I had a really good evening. I went shopping with the Observer and we just hung out at the music store for awhile. It was relaxing. I miss the Observer these days. Our visits are shorter but still special. It's funny how, when something is going on with your family, everything else takes a back seat. I suppose that's how it should be, but it's just different.

I tried an orange Belgium chocolate latte from second cup yesterday afternoon. It was absolutely, positively delicious! I don't usually buy fancy coffees. I'm a simple kind of girl, but I had a 2-for-1 coupon yesterday so the Observer had hot chocolate and I had my latte. That was the highlight of my day, besides seeing the Observer of course!

Since my computer went to heaven, I've been doing some extra reading, which I am enjoying. I just finished this book that was a bit of a psycho thriller. Surprisingly, I enjoyed it, but it left me feeling a bit on the edge. Every time the phone rang, I would jump a mile if I was reading. I tried not to read it just before bed though that is usually when the urge to read strikes me.

It's very sunny out today - beautiful in fact. I didn't need any lights on in my apartment this morning. I love days like that. We are supposed to get a huge snowstorm that is predicted to begin at 4 a.m. tonight. Hopefully it's just a prediction but I guess it is February after all. I'm excited for the weekend as I get to see my parents and some good friends. I miss my mom. I was grumpy when I talked to her this morning because my stomach was a bit sore but she sounded good which is a relief. I hope the sunshine made her happy today. I am happy when she is happy.

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I hope there is sunshine and that you are happy.


Friday, January 25, 2008

Bye computer....

My computer died. It's gone. Forever. I'm not in shock. It was expected. It's been working off and on for a long time. The computer was about 13 years old, so it had a good, long life. Bless my computer. May it be in peace.

i am getting a new computer soon. Yay! I'm excited. stay tuned. i'll be around.......



Monday, January 21, 2008


It's a mystery to me
we have a greed
with which we have agreed

You think you have to want
more than you need
until you have it all you won't be free
society, you're a crazy breed

I hope you're not lonely without me
When you want more than you have
you think you need
and when you think more than you want

your thoughts begin to bleed
I think I need to find a bigger place
'cos when you have more than you think
you need more space

society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy and deep
I hope you're not lonely without me

there's those thinking more or less less is more
but if less is more how you're keeping score?
Means for every point you make
your level drops

kinda like its starting from the top
you can't do that...society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy and deep

I hope you're not lonely without me
society, have mercy on me
I hope you're not angry if I disagree
society, crazy and deep

I hope you're not lonely without me

Society by Eddie Vedder

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Into the wild....

Today the Observer and I saw the movie Into The Wild, the true story of Christopher McCandles, a twenty-something college who sets out with nothing in search of truth and a sense of himself. I found myself really admiring Chris McCandles' mission. It's a watcher!


Here are some quotes I liked from the movie:

I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong.

What if I were smiling and running into your arms? Would you see then what I see now?

If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed.

Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.

Happiness is only real when shared.

When you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines upon you.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I'm Grateful For...

* My Mom getting better.

* Mint Chocolate gum.

* My Dad who has been amazing at holding up the fort and looking after all of us.

* My new brown pajamas.

* The Observer who is naturally great.

* The little green and white dish that sits on my end table keeping my place smelling fresh.

* Weather warm enough to go outside.

* Compassion from people you wouldn't expect.

* The things I've learned and now appreciate since Mom got sick.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

A little peace and understanding....

I haven't blogged in a while. Things have happened. Big things. Awful things. Things we wish we could forget but we know we never will. There have been good things that have happened in the middle of the awfulness. It's hard to find good around you when your world is shaking, but it's there. Looking back, I see little bits of brightness in the middle of the darkness.

The big thing is: my Mom had a heart attack on Christmas morning. When I tell people, they gasp. As the automatic timer on the oven turned on to cook our turkey, Mom's heart began playing games. I was sleeping in bed and awoke to running and my bedroom doors being swung shut. I heard numbers being dialed and Christmas lights switching on and off - trippy in a very eerie way. If I could have, I would have ran upstairs, but I layed there trying to piece it together. My whole body felt numb.

I heard the door open and someone say, "What seems to be the problem, sir?" I knew the question was directed at Dad. I knew it was Mom who was in trouble. I heard talking. I heard the words "breathe." I heard people moving. I heard Mom walking down the stairs and some lady ask how her pain was. I heard Mom say, "This is not good." I saw her walk to the door and I said, "Hi Mom," - not knowing what else to do. That was the beginning. Now is the middle - or maybe the end. I don't know and it's better that way.

I've had some bad days in my twenty five years, but Christmas Day and the two days following were the worst so far. Mom's health got worse, not better until she had surgery two days into her ticker trouble. I can't explain how it felt to know that she was suffering. Before Mom got sick, I used to tell the Observer that tomorrow was just around the corner. I have learned that tomorrow could be worse than today. As my Mom's heart continued to rumble, I wanted to chain myself to her bed. When I looked around our house, everything around me was touched by her. It felt wrong to eat any of her Christmas baking while she was fighting for her life. My stomach felt unsettled. Whenever I need comfort, I live off of crackers. In four days, I ate two boxes of Wheat Thins.

I am so grateful to say that Mom is home recovering now. I am still very worried, but she is here and that is such a gift. My whole family is very emotional now. Watching my Dad stay right beside Mom during the whole ordeal was almost as difficult as seeing Mom's heart betray her. I've always known that my parents love each each other, but I saw it and felt it between them. There are moments when I am overcome with the notion that I almost lost my mother - the person who knows me best and who created me. There is a song lyric from Matchbox 20 that says, "There is a little bit of me in everything in you." Well, there is a little bit of my Mom in everything in me.

I guess we are more aware of our hearts since Mom had hers repaired. If someone is kind to me, I cry. If someone is a little rude, I cry. If someone says something sweet, I cry. If I hear a pretty song, I cry. If someone says, "I love you", I cry. If someone pats me on the shoulder, I cry. At any moment, any second, I can just let the tears flow. Maybe it's because I realize how life can change in a second and how one broken heart can mean your whole world is breaking too.

Last night I was on the bus on a busy expressway. I looked out the window towards a big stone block with a carving of the words "a little peace and understanding". I took that as a sign that sometimes we don't need to explain why we aren't smiling. People just understand.


Tuesday, January 01, 2008

I've learned....

* Life can change overnight. Every bit of time matters.

* To ignore reality won't change it.

* There is nothing wrong with saying no; it's better than saying yes and being angry about it later.

* Sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better.

* When we hurt, everything feels more intense. The same goes for when we are elated.

* It's the little things we remember.

* It's not always fair to judge others under conditions of extreme stress.

* The world around us will always keep moving, even if we feel like it is shaking.

* Family is the center of everything real.

* We all want to feel loved, we are all vulnerable to pain and suffering and we are trying our best to get by.