Tuesday, January 08, 2008

A little peace and understanding....

I haven't blogged in a while. Things have happened. Big things. Awful things. Things we wish we could forget but we know we never will. There have been good things that have happened in the middle of the awfulness. It's hard to find good around you when your world is shaking, but it's there. Looking back, I see little bits of brightness in the middle of the darkness.

The big thing is: my Mom had a heart attack on Christmas morning. When I tell people, they gasp. As the automatic timer on the oven turned on to cook our turkey, Mom's heart began playing games. I was sleeping in bed and awoke to running and my bedroom doors being swung shut. I heard numbers being dialed and Christmas lights switching on and off - trippy in a very eerie way. If I could have, I would have ran upstairs, but I layed there trying to piece it together. My whole body felt numb.

I heard the door open and someone say, "What seems to be the problem, sir?" I knew the question was directed at Dad. I knew it was Mom who was in trouble. I heard talking. I heard the words "breathe." I heard people moving. I heard Mom walking down the stairs and some lady ask how her pain was. I heard Mom say, "This is not good." I saw her walk to the door and I said, "Hi Mom," - not knowing what else to do. That was the beginning. Now is the middle - or maybe the end. I don't know and it's better that way.

I've had some bad days in my twenty five years, but Christmas Day and the two days following were the worst so far. Mom's health got worse, not better until she had surgery two days into her ticker trouble. I can't explain how it felt to know that she was suffering. Before Mom got sick, I used to tell the Observer that tomorrow was just around the corner. I have learned that tomorrow could be worse than today. As my Mom's heart continued to rumble, I wanted to chain myself to her bed. When I looked around our house, everything around me was touched by her. It felt wrong to eat any of her Christmas baking while she was fighting for her life. My stomach felt unsettled. Whenever I need comfort, I live off of crackers. In four days, I ate two boxes of Wheat Thins.

I am so grateful to say that Mom is home recovering now. I am still very worried, but she is here and that is such a gift. My whole family is very emotional now. Watching my Dad stay right beside Mom during the whole ordeal was almost as difficult as seeing Mom's heart betray her. I've always known that my parents love each each other, but I saw it and felt it between them. There are moments when I am overcome with the notion that I almost lost my mother - the person who knows me best and who created me. There is a song lyric from Matchbox 20 that says, "There is a little bit of me in everything in you." Well, there is a little bit of my Mom in everything in me.

I guess we are more aware of our hearts since Mom had hers repaired. If someone is kind to me, I cry. If someone is a little rude, I cry. If someone says something sweet, I cry. If I hear a pretty song, I cry. If someone says, "I love you", I cry. If someone pats me on the shoulder, I cry. At any moment, any second, I can just let the tears flow. Maybe it's because I realize how life can change in a second and how one broken heart can mean your whole world is breaking too.

Last night I was on the bus on a busy expressway. I looked out the window towards a big stone block with a carving of the words "a little peace and understanding". I took that as a sign that sometimes we don't need to explain why we aren't smiling. People just understand.






Lurker said...

Oh, wow Christie I had no idea the family member you mentioned was your mom. I'm so glad she's ok:),

I know how you feel my mind would be in all kinds of turmoil if anything happened to my mom (god forbid). I have no idea what I would do without her in my life.

Every day that passes I'm grateful that we're all healthy maybe not always happy but healthy. Aside from family itself that's really the most impoartant thing in life.

sassy said...

I used to have your blog on my favourites and lost it a while ago. Today I thought to look it up again just to see how you were going.
I am very glad your Mum is recovering and cannot imgagine how awful it must have been for you at Christmas time.
Just wanted to send you well wishes from another coffee lover.

Anonymous said...

WoW i am glad your mom is good now!!!