Monday, June 30, 2008

All over the place...

Do you ever not know what to do with yourself? You could do many different things, but you don't have to do anything in particular. You're all over the place - not knowing which way to go. I feel this way a lot - today included. I think it drives my family and friends crazy, even though they never say so.

I'm listening to a remark by Sarah McLaughlin of The Rainbow Connection. The first time I ever listened to the song, the Observer surprised me by knowing every word. Listening to him sing it, I couldn't stop laughing. It's a corny tune, but now I don't skip the track because I think of the Observer's signing and I have to laugh.

I went to the dollar store this afternoon and bought a plastic yellow jug and a pack of gum. The cashier who served me was very helpful and sweet. She made my day, even though it was a muddled one. Every time I unwrap a piece, I'll remember her and smile. I should do this while listening to The Rainbow Connection, and I'll be in a very good mood.


Sunday, June 29, 2008

A star among us...

Another summer weekend is just about gone.......It disappeared and that makes me a little sad. Time keeps flying. I visited my parents yesterday and stayed the night. As always, seeing them was great and I am well-rested, which always helps my mood stay even. Sleep is a wonderful drug. Downtown is still congested, but not like yesterday. The streets are noisy, and there's still a good deal of honking. I live very close to a bar and Sunday nights are the loudest of the week. I find this odd, because wouldn't you think people would have to work tomorrow?

The Observer and I saw the film The Love Guru. It had some funny parts, but wasn't really worth watching. I could think of better ways to spend an hour and a half, but at least the person sending beside me was premium quality material. Another good thing that came from seeing the movie was that Alan Thick the star of the '90's sitcom Growing Pains happened to be sitting in the theater with his relatives. We only knew that it was Alan Thick because the Observer and I know someone who works at the theater and he asked Alan about his favourite episode.

The Observer is having a hard adjustment to living on his own. He's had to deal with challenging people who rush him through personal care and activities of daily living. That's not fair or right. My heart goes out to the Observer. I know first-hand that living on a schedule sucks and isn't easy. Moving out is difficult and doubly tough when it means depending on others to function. I'm so proud of the Observer for trying out life as a bachelor. Today was not one of his better days, but when he saw Alan Thick, the Observer lit up like a street lamp. I always tell myself that TV stars are just people. I still think that, but if one can brighten the gloomy mood of someone I love, I must be grateful.


Saturday, June 28, 2008

A quiet place in the middle of everything...

I slept for about an hour and a half last night, so I'm tired. For about six hours, I lay in bed watching sitcoms in syndication. Seinfeld is the best. It really is the show about nothing, so I guess it makes sense that it's perfect to tune into when there's nothing else to do or watch. The analogy would be: nothing to do = nothing to watch = nothing except the show about nothing is on TV. I can make simple matters pretty complex, huh?

It's sticky out today. The sun keeps peeking in and out and there's a grayish tone in the sky. A bunch of scantily clad ladies went by earlier on motorcycles. I saw some bare flesh as I looked out my window. Horns are honking every two seconds, but it's all good. It keeps me awake.

The Observer and I are meeting for dinner later. I hope the clouds stay away. He had a rough time yesterday, so I'm hoping he's doing better. The Observer spoiled me rotten. He bought me two awesome albums - Coldplay's Viva La Vita and Sarah McLaughlan's B Sides. I haven't been able to get B Sides out of my CD player. It's such a pretty album! I feel like my apartment is very zen while I'm listening Sarah's mellow songs. There's a wild party happening just outside my building, but I have this calm, quiet place to listen and watch. Everyone should have a place like that.


Friday, June 27, 2008

Pride and parties...

Just listen to
the music of the traffic in the city

Linger on the
sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty

How can you

The lights are
much brighter there

You can forget
all your troubles, forget all your cares and go

things'll be great when you're

Downtown, no
finer place for sure,

everything's waiting for you


Well, the city I'm living in is hopping with Pride Week action. The air is thick with excitement, music is blaring from blocks away, the streets are crammed with people looking for a party, I can hear cheering and there's a mini carnival set up just down the street. I couldn't get more smack in the middle of it all even if I tried. I just heard a loud "Wohoo." My hunch is that I'll be hearing a lot of those over the next twenty four hours. It's a lot better than some of the other words I've over heard around here.

Pride Week is a big party. It's to celebrate who we are and that we're all different. Yes, the main focus is homosexuality, but now it's more mainstream. People come looking for a party, gay, straight, bisexual, or confused. I've never stuck around for the action, but I hear it can get pretty wild.

Living right downtown is pretty adventurous on an average day. There's always something interesting if you search for it. My lens has been widened since moving to the middle of the city. I've learned to keep to myself and blend in. I've learned that mixing huge numbers of people together produces a funky, one-of -a-kind dynamic. Every day is different than the one before. I like that.

I wonder if I will sleep tonight. Maybe not. What can I do about it, though? Not much. They say if you can beat 'em, join 'em, so, "Wohoo!"


Thursday, June 26, 2008

Oh, what a beautiful morning...

I woke up bright eyed this morning. I know the expression is "bright eyed and bushy tailed" but I don't have a bushy tail. My sleep was excellent, which always puts me in good spirits. The person who helped me get ready for my day is one of my favourite people to work with, so that was another score. After finishing two delicious cups of coffee, I turned on my stereo and cranked up the volume when a groovy tune came over the air-ways. I was having an early morning "party for one." It was fun. If guests had been invited, the whole "me" vibe would have disappeared. I'm sounding self-indulgent, but I do live alone. I'm accustomed to "parties-for-one."

The rest of my day was mediocre. I spent a lot of time outside and added a pinkish tone to my whiter-than-snow complexion.

I was talking to a good friend when call waiting beeped through. It was some dude who asked who I was. "Why?" I asked him.

He told me that my number had called his line six or seven times and again asked who I was.

"I'm not giving you that information because I didn't call you. Have a good evening," I answered and hung up.

Why do people call and ask if you just called their line? If you really needed to talk to that person, wouldn't you leave a message saying why you're calling, or wouldn't your identity be clear to the caller? If I don't even know someone, why would I care that he or she called me?

Some people have too much time on their hands. I bet the rude phone dude didn't wake up bright eyed this morning.


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Weird and proud...

I smell funky. When I can smell myself, I wonder what other people smell. There's a kind of a body juice, sweet, musty odor that is radiating off of me. Strange, isn't it? No one has told me I stink, but maybe they are too nice. I fart a lot - like ten times a day, so maybe the people I see every day are so used to my scent of "laxified" (my new word meaning "induced by laxatives") gas, that they don't even notice my new smell. Is that good or bad?

I spent a lot of time outside today just people watching. Only my shoulder blades got sun. That's weird too........

It's Gay Pride week here and there's more eccentricity than usual around. Some of it's funny, some of it's cool and some of it's weird.

I'm not gay, so I can't be gay and proud, so maybe today's little oddities were trying to tell me that I should be weird and proud.


Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Life can be one squishy cherry mess...

The most exciting of my day was when I dropped a bag of cherries on the grocery store floor. They rolled everywhere as myself and the people around just watched helplessly. Flukes always take a few seconds for our brains to process. Maybe our brains get surprised and need to take a deep breath. After the shower of cherries found the floor, I was a bit embarrassed.

Luck was on my side and I was served by a cashier who was the sweetest of sweet. She was empathetic and didn't make a big deal of the cherry tumble. After kindly going to get me another bag, the cashier totally went out of her way to help me put my groceries in my bag. I was so grateful for her compassion. Sometimes the people who have served me at that grocery store haven't been friendly and I've wanted to ask them why they waste their energy being so rude. Other days, like today, the staff has been top notch.

If dropping cherries on the floor of the grocery store and being helped by a caring cashier was the most exciting part of my day, does that make me boring?

I forgot to mention that I rolled over some cherries as I was leaving the grocery store. Bright red juice dripped on the ground and between the treads of my wheelchair tires. If you didn't know better, you'd think someone was murdered or there was bloodshed. One look at my red tires and I'd be a prime suspect. That would be pretty exciting, wouldn't it?


Monday, June 23, 2008

In a foggy state of mind...

I couldn't sleep last night. My guess is that my eyes closed at 4 a.m. and reopened at 9:30 a.m. I get to sleep in, so I really shouldn't complain. The TV in my bedroom totally helps the time pass. It could be worse. There wasn't much on last night. I did a lot of channel surfing. When it's past 3:00 a.m, there's mostly infomercials and I'm really not into Pro-Active, a vegetable chopper or an ab chair. Maybe TV networks think that if we're awake at 3:00 a.m. we'll watch anything. Being tired, maybe our thoughts are foggy and we'll impulse buy.

I was watching the music channel when I heard a song I liked and cranked up the volume. My neighbours probably didn't think of me with affection for those few minutes. Hopefully they were sleeping too soundly to notice.

It's been rainy and dark tonight. Outside was grey and eerie for about half an hour. I felt all cozy in my apartment.

I haven't done much all day. My mind is a bit foggy. I hope I sleep tonight. If I blog about buying an ab chair or vegetable chopper tomorrow, you'll know I didn't get enough shut eye tonight.


Sunday, June 22, 2008

It's all too good...

After a good day, week, or month, I have a habit of worrying that a storm cloud of bad luck is looming overhead. I think this is similar to having a sense of impending doom. If I catch my buses right on time, the weather has been good, people have been extra friendly, I've been feeling healthy, my personal relationships are thriving, or I've been sleeping well, I have to wonder when it's all going to blow up in my face. If every puzzle piece fits perfectly, someone will be probably knock it apart soon, because nothing stays perfectly intact forever. Don't I sound like a pessimist?

I know this isn't really a healthy outlook. I know it's better to embrace good things for what they are and be grateful. I am grateful for a streak of good luck or when life just seems to rolling uphill, but there's a small part of me that wants to know how long it will last........

No one knows what the future holds or how long we have. Maybe not knowing makes sense. Why would we want all the pages of the story of our lives before we've been through the whole book?

I often think of what would be going through my head during the last moments of my life. I would want my family, friends and the Observer to know that I love them. Maybe I would regret obsessing over money and my weight and wish I had enjoyed my time while I had it. Maybe we can't stop storm clouds from forming, but we can appreciate warmth and brightness when it's here.


Saturday, June 21, 2008


My wheelchair has a flat tire. It's a pain. At least I didn't get stranded anywhere. That would have been bad. The tire will be fixed tomorrow, so everything should be OK soon. It's raining tonight. I could have been stuck in it and not be able to move.
Today was pretty boring. I didn't do much - just read,did errands, talked on the phone and watched TV. The flat tire added some excitement to my very dull evening. I learned that days sometimes end more eventfully than they begin.

Friday, June 20, 2008


I'm looking at a picture of my Dad. He's wearing his police officer attire and he's beside his horse, Harry. The picture was taken about five years ago right before he retired from the police force. Dad looks so happy next to his four-legged co-worker and friend. Dad was a police officer for three decades. He retired young and works as a courier. He loves his job now. Since retiring, Dad seems more relaxed and just more content with life. That makes me happy. I love my father more than any man on Earth. He's very soft spoken and kind - his eyes tell you this.

I see Dad often, but I miss him when I don't. I miss talking over coffee and his little jokes that are silly and smart all at the same time. I miss me calling me "cutie" and kissing my forehead. I miss listening to his ipod and sharing our favourite music. I miss sitting at the breakfast table with articles he saved for me. I miss his snacks that are always put together with a little bit of artistic flare. I miss listening to his quiet snoring as he naps.

I'll see Dad soon. Every time I look at his picture, I remember why it's so great to go home and why I don't stay away too long.


Thursday, June 19, 2008

An afternoon of nostalga...

I don't know what to say. I need to remember to turn on the air conditioning before bed and drink a glass of water.

The Observer and I saw the movie Sex And The City today. It was entertaining and full of female matters just like the show. I don't know if the Observer liked it as much as I did - though I did see him getting choked during a few parts. He is touched by sweetness. Maybe that's how I caught his eye. I appreciated him coming since it wouldn't been his first film pick. I left the movie with a light, happily-ever-after-feeling, which is refreshing once in a while.

Actually, today Barney was at the mall where I saw the movie. Barney had his big TV break when I was about ten. Though I wasn't a big fan, his hit song with the words I Love You, You Love Me, We're A Happy Family is hard to forget. Seeing all the cute, excited, kids made me think of being that young. I can't recall much, but I know I was a very happy little girl who believed in big, purple singing dinosaurs like Barney and that ladies grow up to marry men of their dreams - the very notion that the movie grappled with today. I may be an adult, but it's good to be exposed to happily-ever-after and make-believe now and then. It's relaxing and refreshing and makes it more likely that I remember to do things like turn on the air conditioning and drink a glass of water before bed. I'm off to do those things now.


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

A meeting of nothing and everything...

I'm not sure if meetings with professionals are for me. I went to a meeting today and very little was accomplished - just discussions, looking over agendas, interrupting each other and lots of dead ends. The problem with meetings are not lack of things to say, but too many things to say.

I left the meeting with my mind in a muddle. It often is this way, but I like to think that I am able to be understood when it matters. Does every great project, invention or idea start out as a muddle? Creativity is usually all over the place and can be formed into something tangible, so maybe I just need to have patience and hope - like we need for just about everything in life.


Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Candy overdose...

I am very tired. My eyes feel heavy and itchy. Maybe that means they need to close. I am listening a Rob Thomas song that (I think) is called Can't Let You Go. It's upbeat and catchy. I'm a fan of Rob Thomas and have been since his Matchbox 20 days.

This afternoon I had a super short visit with the Observer. My bus was VERY late so I only had about an hour until it was time to leave. At least we saw each other. He was the highlight of my day.......

I ate WAY too much licorice today. I'm going to be as big as a house.

Tomorrow is a new day and an overdose of licorice isn't so serious. I've got to let it go - just as Rob Thomas is trying to do in his song.


Monday, June 16, 2008

To apologize...

What is the purpose of an apology? Is it for the person giving the apology or the one receiving it? Or both???

I say sorry to show my awareness that I made a mistake - or that I see something wrong or unfortunate. That's about me.

When I've been apologized to, I've appreciated the gesture, but it hasn't changed what came before the apology; something awful happened, someone hurt me or an error occurred.

Maybe apologizing is to say, "I screwed up, forgive me."or "I understand that what you're going through is awful and I want you to know that I realize this."

Maybe apologizing is acknowledgement and maybe there are times when that's all that is possible. As much as we might want to, we can't go back in time. We all have regrets. Perhaps apologies and regrets are in the same family.

No harm can be done by apologizing, but I suppose it can ill received if timing is off.

I'm getting complicated here. I apologize.


Sunday, June 15, 2008

I love my Dad because...

* He's the first guy I ever met

* He's always happy to see me

* He always talks to me on the phone, even though he doesn't normally enjoy phone conversations

* I can tell him anything and he'll still stick around

* He taught me to be kind to others, but to quietly ignore those who are not worth time or attention

* He puts together good snacks

* He gave me his need to stand up for what is fair and right when it comes to human rights and life

* He showed me that it's possible to have a unstable childhood and still become a stable adult

* He treats my Mom well

* He's hilarious

* He gave me an example of what a solid male partner should represent.



Saturday, June 14, 2008

Driven crazy...

Little things annoyed me today. That's not unusual, but I got really worked up, which doesn't happen every day. I found myself cursing more than usual too, and that's not like me.

I had an attendant helping me this morning who is sweet but a bit fumble minded. I have to spell out directions very clearly or she looks lost. Today her lack of common sense and airy-fairy ways drove me nuts. I found myself wondering if she really was as lost as she appears or whether it's some act. "Are you really so dumb?" I wanted to say. I hope she couldn't read my irritated expression. I'd be surprised if she's so perceptive, but she is kind which is more important. Given the choice, she would not have been the first face I saw in the morning. At least my first two cups of coffee were good. She can brew some good java.

In the afternoon I had a horrible taxi driver. His whole disposition annoyed me. The guy was loud and had the most phony cackle. Laughter usually makes me happy; his made me want to scream. His road rage and swearing made me want to swat him. When he yelled, "fu*ki*g a**hole" at a driver, I couldn't help thinking that some would say the same about him. The driver let a lady cross the street on a stop sign and he said, "Aren't I nice?" I said nothing. I HATE when people point out to others when they do something kind. It shows insecurity and the kindness isn't pure.

The good part of my day was that I saw the Observer and an old friend. Seeing them was a bright spot in my not-so-happy day. However, the brightness was short-lived. I got stuck with a late bus and a slow driver who stopped to chat with every passenger and their grandmother. He was the polar opposite of the taxi driver, but I really had to pee and was hungry. Every time he stopped or dawdled, I wanted to say, "If you don't hurry up, your bus floor will be covered in a yellow liquid." I said nothing and was thankful, the bus driver was kind.

I heard that my tax driver from this morning has four kids. It's Father's Day tomorrow, and after meeting that crazy dude, I realize that my Dad is a five-star fellow.


Friday, June 13, 2008

Water, water, everywhere!

The rain came pouring down tonight. All of sudden, we were hit with a storm. I watched out my sun room window as people ran for cover. There was screaming, laughing and mad rushing. It was fun to witness, especially because I was (and still am) dry in my cozy apartment. Rain was in the forecast all day and the sky was teasing us with little drops every once in a while. I'm glad the rain held off until tonight because I got to wheel to a quaint sushi restaurant with a good friend in the afternoon. I enjoyed the girl to girl conversation and the sushi was yummy and affordable. Our servers were so sweet and gave us tempura on the house. I think I'll go back soon. I don't forget special service - or delicious food.

I'm glad it rained. It's been hot and sticky, so hopefully the moisture will help. Water is so purposeful. Speaking of H20, it's time for my last glass before hitting the sack.



Thursday, June 12, 2008

A cool breeze...

"I have found a jewel in this rocky ground."

- Molly Johnson

My sun room window is open. There's a very cool breeze blowing on my arms and I can feel goosebumps beginning. The heat wave must have cooled for now. I like when there's a breeze. It's very refreshing - so much better than chilly winter wind. When I get older, I'm moving where it's warm. Life is too short to freeze.

On that note, I discovered a new frozen dessert - berries, melon or mango slices stored in the freezer until good and icy then taken out to thaw until edible. It's a very cold treat and tastes a bit like a solid fruit sherbet. So far, melon is my favourite and blueberries are a close second. Actually, I just had some frozen melon slices so now I'm VERY cold.......brr. I need to move away from this window, so goodnight and feel the cool breeze, even if it's a bit nippy where you are.


Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A (little) matter of jeans....

Today was beautiful. Again. We've been so lucky, or maybe it was just a really long winter. Whatever the reason, I'm loving the sunshine!

I'm looking out my window onto a very busy street. A lady wearing white jeans just walked by. I don't own a pair of white jeans, but I heard a fashion consultant on TV say that every lady should. I was thinking of buying a pair but I have really pale skin and I wonder if it would make me look washed out. I know this isn't exactly a brain busting decision, so maybe I'll just wait and see if I come across a funky pair.

I feel fortunate to have the time to worry about such a small thing. Bigger issues are ahead, but for now, I'm glad it's just jeans.


Tuesday, June 10, 2008


I love summer. Outside is so warm, breezy, and light. People are in such good moods. It's easy to get from place to place with no coats, jackets or mittens. We just go.

I like sitting outside at night talking to friends or family - even in the dark it's peaceful and feels comforting.

As a kid, my summer memories were of camp - my favourite place on Earth. Weeks of laughter, no sleep , swimming, bugs, crafts, sugary juice, sand, flirting, pictures, music, friends, the pavillon, drama, late nights, reunions, campfires guitars, marshmellows and pure fun. Camp was amazing on a number of levels, but what I gained most was a sense of belonging and that will benefit me forever.

There are days when I would give my right arm to be at camp and experience all that sweetness and fun. There is nothing like it. I know that it was so special because I was young. Now, I'm a little older and may not see the value in some of the things I did then. Still though, I hear a classic campfire song and ache for camp. After the ache fades, I smile at all my funny recollections and remember that to everything there is a season. I am be too old for camp, but it's summer and it's beautiful.


Friday, June 06, 2008

What A Wonderful World...

I was brushing my teeth tonight and the remark of "What A Wonderful World" came on the radio. Whenever I hear this song, I stop what I'm doing and remember Ian. Ian is my ex boyfriend. He's in heaven now. Ian had a major influence on me, both in life and after his death. He was my best friend, then arch enemy and now he's my closest connection to the after life. Ian represents laughter, love, heartbreak, time, eternity and my growth as a person. He showed me that life is mostly good, even though sometimes it sucks.

"What A Wonderful World" was the song used for a slide show of Ian's life at his funeral. Dozens of shots of Ian as a baby, a young hockey player, a teasing brother, a loyal son and friend, a caring boyfriend, a sports fanatic and a gifted writer filled the screen. At the time, I was in such shock and grief that I may not have been fully present, but I remember that song. I remember that it seemed to fit the theme of Ian's life. In spite of challenges and unfairness, Ian made humor and fun his legacy.

I used to get emotional and a little queasy hearing "What A Wonderful World" but now it makes me happy. Time really is a great healer and it really is a wonderful world, even though it can break your heart.


Wednesday, June 04, 2008

I Listen...

I Listen to the trees, and they say:

"Stand tall and yield. Be tolerant and flexible. Be true to yourself. Stand alone, and stand together. Be brave. Be patient. With time, you will grow."

I Listen to the wind, and it says:

"Breathe. Take care of yourself --body, mind, and spirit. Take time. Be quiet. Listen from your heart. Forgive.

"I Listen to the sun, and it says:

"Nurture others. Let your warmth radiate for others to feel. Give yourself without expectations."

I Listen to the creek, and it says:

"Relax; go with the flow. Tend to what's really important, and let the rest go by. Keep moving -- don't be hesitant or afraid. Lighten up -- laugh, giggle."

I Listen to the mountains, and they say:

"Be there. Be honest. Be trustworthy. Do what you say you're going to do. Be true, genuine, and real. Speak from the heart. Don't cheat."

I Listen to the birds, and they say:

"Set yourself free. Sing."

I Listen to the clouds, and they say:

"Be creative. Be expressive. Let your spirit run free. Let yourself be light and gay, but let yourself be heavy and sad.Cry when you feel like it."

I Listen to the sky, and it says:

"Open up. Let go of the boundaries and barriers which you have created to protect yourself. Experience change. Fly."

I Listen to the flowers and small plants, and they say:

"Be humble. Be simple. Respect the beauty of small things. Respect the beauty of humility and truth. Let go of perfectionism. Love yourself as you are; it opens the door to change. Practice acceptance."

I Listen to the bugs and flying insects, and they say:

"Work. Be productive. Use your hands. Focus on what's in front of you. Ignore the past; there is only the present."

I Listen to the moon, and it says:

"Love. Share love. Make love.Be romantic -- touch and caress. Allow yourself to be loved. Be gentle, kind, and understanding. Use candles."

I Listen to the stars, and they wink and say:

"Play. Dance, be silly, have fun."

I Listen to the earth, and it says:

"I am your mother. I give you life. Respect all that is around you. Find beauty in all things -- living and not -- including yourself; for we are all one -- not separate. Be especially respectful to the very young and the very old, for they are both very near God. Give up the belief that you are a higher form of life; there is no higher form of life. We are equal because we are the same. When you return to me, I will welcome you, and I will set your spirit free. Love and nurture your children; cook good food for them, and hold them very close to you often. Hold me close to you often as well, and I will hold you in return; I will support you. Have faith.

- Dr. Charles Roper (1992) - after participating in Outward Bound