Friday, January 02, 2009

Hoping for a little progress...

The Observer and I are going to see Jersey Boys tonight. I am looking forward to the music. Friends and family have told me that the story is from the 1950's/1960's era when the music is fun, catchy, classic oldies. We are going to a theatre where neither the Observer or I have visited, so hopefully we find our wheelchair seating OK. Somehow the two of us always manage.

After drinking too much diet Coke and barely sleeping well on New Years Eve, I was more than ready to hit the hay. I don't know why I drank three Cokes. I guess I figured that I had to ring in the New Year with some kind of beverage, even if it was only cola. Whenever I order diet Coke from a restaurant, I get nervous that it's not diet. I worry that I will gain weight without knowing. The holidays are rough for me when it comes to my body image. I feel pressure to eat more than usual. We all do, but I beat myself up for gaining weight for the next month. It's all I can think about. Today I feel like I have a round, moon face. Yesterday I ate double what I normally do, because I was with my family. I'm trying not to obsess over a day that has passed, but it's still bugging me. It's a new year. Maybe I'll sort out all these little, mundane worries just a bit. I don't expect them to go away completely. How can they disappear after being here for the better part of my life? I hope to make progress, think rationally and be healthy. There will always be that little voice in my head screaming, "You're fat!," but maybe I will be able to quiet it slowly.

On New Year's Eve, the restaurant the Observer and I went to gave us complimentary noise makers on the house to blow at midnight. Every time I tried to use mine, I wouldn't make any noise. The Observer and I joked that I spent the majority of the night trying to blow. Normally, I don't have a problem, but maybe it was the pressure of an audience.


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