After drinking too much diet Coke and barely sleeping well on New Years Eve, I was more than ready to hit the hay. I don't know why I drank three Cokes. I guess I figured that I had to ring in the New Year with some kind of beverage, even if it was only cola. Whenever I order diet Coke from a restaurant, I get nervous that it's not diet. I worry that I will gain weight without knowing. The holidays are rough for me when it comes to my body image. I feel pressure to eat more than usual. We all do, but I beat myself up for gaining weight for the next month. It's all I can think about. Today I feel like I have a round, moon face. Yesterday I ate double what I normally do, because I was with my family. I'm trying not to obsess over a day that has passed, but it's still bugging me. It's a new year. Maybe I'll sort out all these little, mundane worries just a bit. I don't expect them to go away completely. How can they disappear after being here for the better part of my life? I hope to make progress, think rationally and be healthy. There will always be that little voice in my head screaming, "You're fat!," but maybe I will be able to quiet it slowly.
On New Year's Eve, the restaurant the Observer and I went to gave us complimentary noise makers on the house to blow at midnight. Every time I tried to use mine, I wouldn't make any noise. The Observer and I joked that I spent the majority of the night trying to blow. Normally, I don't have a problem, but maybe it was the pressure of an audience.