Monday, August 31, 2009

Lost in a circle of nerves...

My day started off on a good note. My favourite attendant got me up early for an important appointment. I enjoy waking up early, especially if someone kind and attentive comes through my door. After I got showered, dressed, and had coffee and toast, I set off towards my appointment. My sense of direction is not the sharpest. It's pathetic actually. I can't even direct anyone to my home. I have always been directionally challenged. I do get to where I need to go quite easily, but I can't tell anyone how I got there. Isn't that strange??? Knowing how horrible I am at finding my way, I explored my area on Saturday evening before dark. I asked a friendly, trustworthy looking man how to get to my destination. I surprised myself and actually found my way....

My nerves must have got the best of me this morning because I found myself totally lost and turned around. I think I made a wrong turn and panicked. With a pounding heart, I kept getting more nervous and confused. Trying to retrace the path I took on Saturday, I stopped and asked someone for directions, but my nerves got in my way. Being late was my first fear. Once I was past late and nowhere near where I needed to be, I knew I wasn't going to make it. Feeling like a cop out, I made it home with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I called the people who were planning to interview me and said that "an emergency came up." They didn't sound too forgiving. I didn't want to tell them that I got lost. The interview was for funding to hire my own attendants. If I can't find my way around the city, how am I going to be someone's boss? Mom says I ought to have told the interviewers that I got lost. Maybe she's right. I'm human and really bad with directions. Maybe they would appreciate the truth. I'm not even sure I want to be in charge of my attendant care. If I got so nervous, does that mean I do? My mind is still grappling with this question.

I made it home and felt sick over missing my interview. Telling the truth to my Mom and the Observer did feel freeing. They were sweet and reassuring, which is exactly what I needed. I felt quite dumb. It's so easy to beat myself up.

Needing to cheer up, I opened the bonbonnaire from the baptism I went to yesterday. The Observer's nephew was the star of the day, as every baby should be when they are baptised. The bonbonnaire was an adorable framed picture of baby Poalo wearing a vest and dress pants. He is looking right at the camera. Baby Paolo's picture made me smile. I can't stop looking at him. He is a captivating little guy. It was an adventure getting to the restaurant because it was in an area I had never travelled to before. All my transportation arrangements went smoothly. I arrived in perfect timing for the celebration. The restaurant was called Balldoria Restorante, a newly opened, intimate eatery. The decor was simple and elegant. The restaurant provided excellent service. The food was traditional Italian fare, except that we had thin crust pizza instead of seafood. Since the Observer dislikes fish, I know he was happy about this twist. The pizza was top notch. The Observer's Mom made chocolate cheesecake bites on a stick. They were dainty and tasted as delectable as they looked. I still feel bad about missing my interview, but each time I feel a wave of regret, I look at the photo of Baby Poalo. Maybe I'll have another chance at an interview. Maybe I won't, but life goes on. Just think of a sweet little baby as proof.


Sunday, August 30, 2009

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...

You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again. A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up; She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.' 'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots.. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?' Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile.Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. 'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door,how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean? Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water,the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst,you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Good times at Ten...

There's nothing like a night out with girls to lift my spirits. I had such a fun evening at my friend's bachelorette. We went to a swanky, intimate restaurant called Ten. I was the first to arrive, but it was relaxing to sit and take in my surroundings. It's not ever day I dine at such a fancy place. Before going into Ten, I was carrying an unfinished cup of butter pecan coffee. I didn't want to bring it into the restaurant, so I found a table outside a sandwich store and put my coffee there. Being really windy, I should have known better. My coffee spilled all over my black pants and partly on my top. I was embarrassed, but the coffee dried by the time the others girl's arrived. I warned the girl sitting beside me that I was probably wafting odors of butter pecan. The bride-to-be arrived last and got a ride with her hilarious Irish mother. I was a bit sad that her Mom wasn't staying as she is so funny, but it was the bride's night. She wore a bride-to-be sash and tiara and had a glowing male body party clipped to her drink. My friend was glowing and that made us all happy.

One of the girls is a bit rude. Her comments are unnecessary and off colour. She comes mainly to help another friend of the bride's who needs a fair amount of physical assistance. I think she's there mainly to work - not for company. I feel sorry for the girl she helps. She has no choice but to put up will her. Having met the challenging friend before, I was prepared for her rudeness, but she was surprisingly pleasant. She ordered a yummy bread dipper starter and shared with all of us. Sharing shows class in my books, especially when food is involved.

I ordered a salad with salsa and sunflower seeds. There was an air of elegance to the way it was plated. The salad was good. It's hard to go wrong with a plate of greens. Most of the others ordered pasta. Everything looked gummy. The maid of honour arranged for the restaurant to prepare a chocolate cake shaped like a male organ. The bride was surprised and couldn't stop laughing. When the waitress said, "We're going to take the p***** and cut it up for you guys," it was hard not to laugh.

It poured rain just as I left the restaurant. I really respect and enjoy talking to the maid of honour in particular. She's my kind of friend. She waited while me while my bus came. My taxi driver was very sweet. He asked where the Observer was. I smiled and said it was a night "just for girls." The driver understood. My second bus driver was my all-time favourite wheelchair bus driver in the city. I rarely see him, so when I do, I am happy. A lady who I have blogged about before who goes to karaoke was on the bus. I was happy to see her too. When she was off the bus, I had a serious heart to heart with my favourite bus driver. Our talk confused me, but I still enjoyed it. Tired and full of too much coffee, my bladder exploded as soon as I was in the door. Accidents are frustrating and gross, but I can't do much about them. My night was ninety-nine percent fun and the other one percent was a little wet.

Mom called last night and left this message: We've called you numerous times in the last few days. You're not answering your phone. Obviously, you don't want to talk. When you decide you do, please call us.

Mom's message made me angry. She KNOWS I will always talk to her if I can. I've just been busy. I didn't even get to talk to the Observer. Messages like hers tempt me NOT to call her, because she was rude. However I know she is hurt. We usually talk twice a day. Instead of being angry at Mom, I am trying to be grateful that she is around to call me and that she wants to talk. I'm getting there, but I'm still a bit upset...mothers!

The elevators in my apartment building are scarce today. One is broken and the other is on service. I better not need to go anywhere fast. I chatted with a friend who lives in my building before heading grocery shopping to buy bread. The cashier loudly told me my total. She must have thought I was deaf. It's a bit windy and grey outside. I got a free sample of Icebreakers gum. They were being given out last week too. The gum is fruity. I like it. Tonight I am going to watch When Harry Met Sally and Away From Her on DVD. I'm excited to watch both.

I'm going to baby Poalo's baptism tomorrow. I'm excited to see the little guy and my other favourite bald guy. As fun as a girl's night is, men are great, especially bald ones...


Friday, August 28, 2009

Tales of tiredness and talks over coffee...

I'm stuck in another sleepless rut. Nature was nudging at me to answer it last night. Foolishly, I put off listening to my body until I had no choice. My stomach was screaming at me. Finally I gave in, but still lost valuable sleeping hours. You would think I would learn. Today I am feeling tired, sad and homesick. When I haven't slept, I usually crave the comfort of my Mom and Dad. Both of my parents are working and I have social commitments tonight and Sunday, so going home would be time consuming. The thought is still tempting though. The idea of sleeping in my oldest bed is appealing. I want to crash and sleep until my body is rested. Hopefully tonight I will sleep. Tiredness can sure make life seem gloomy. The Observer and I won't be seeing each much this weekend. I am disappointed. Right now I miss him. At least we never go too long apart. I'll see him on Sunday, which gives me something to look forward to.

Yesterday was the start of busker fest in my area. It's a festival of eclectic street performers and free form artists. The festival is conveniently located within the St. Lawrence Market, so I was compelled to check out the action. I did hear a few funky musicians and there were so top notch dancers. Unfortunately, my full bladder forced me home before I saw too much. Being so tired today, I didn't think I was alert enough to navigate the crowds, so I stayed close to home. I went to an underground shopping mall where I found a Second Cup coffee shop. They were selling Butter Pecan - my favourite kind of flavoured coffee. I HAD to buy a cup. I loved every sip. The coffee server who helped me was very accommodating. She almost forgot to take my money, but I reminded her. The coffee server laughed. Drinking a stolen cup of coffee would have left a bitter taste in my mouth and then what would be the point of even buying a cup of coffee?

A man pulled a chair out for me and positioned my coffee so that I could easily drink it. I could tell he was kind. We said hello and his wife came by and sat down. While her husband chatted on his cell phone, she asked me how easy it was for me to get around in my wheelchair. Strangers often ask me this question. I saw I get around quite easily, but it is more challenging in winter. They usually nod. I have met so many people while having coffee. I like how people are willing to chat, especially when they appear stable and kind. Coffee brings me to people - or maybe it's the other way around.

Tonight I am going to a friend's bachelorette party. Though I am tired, I am looking forward to the evening. My friend's wedding is next weekend, so she must be getting excited. I am. As tired as I am, I know my friend's bachelorette will only happen once. There will be many more sleepless nights on my end, so why let this one ruin a fun night? Sometimes the regret I feel over NOT following through on a social commitment is worse than if I begrudging go. More often than not, I have a good time. I only have to get there.


Thursday, August 27, 2009

A change of temperature and heart...

My broken retainer wire is broken no more. I am feeling much better. Sometimes it's best to stick with professionals we know. Thankfully I didn't have to learn the hard way that I really had to pee. While I waited to catch my bus, I bought almond flavoured coffee and ordered it with a bit of soy milk. My coffee was yummy and it obviously went through me quickly. My bus driver who drove me to my parents was one of my favourites. We always have good talks. He's a dog lover and most of those are kind people. The driver kept chatting to me and I noticed myself starting to sweat and that my heart was beating faster. My bladder was going to burst. I was extra happy to make it home I swear that I urinated for five straight minutes. Was that too much information for you? Sorry, but I was pretty proud of myself for making it to the toilet. In my life, such news is blog worthy, even though it is personal.

As soon as I sat back in the dentist chair, I started to sweat and feel queasy. There's just something about being in that chair that makes me nervous. I trust the dentist, but I still don't like that chair. She fixed my lose wire quickly. All it needed was a little glue. Such a simple solution could still be a big issue. The dentist showed me pictures of her baby son. As sweet as my dentist is, I wanted to leave her office quickly. Sometimes it's not who people are - it's what they do.

Mom made a yummy dinner of roast chicken, couscous, beets and green beans. We watched So You Think You Can Dance until it was time for me to meet the Observer for coffee. I dropped my book called Change Of Heart while crossing the road twice. I have been lugging that thing everywhere I go for months and haven't made it past page ten. When it fell the second time, I knew I wasn't meant to read it. Maybe it's no coincidence that the book is called Change Of Heart. The air was chilly and reminded me of fall. Both my coffee and companion warmed me up. Sometimes it's not the temperate outside that makes me happy - it's who I am with.


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Do you eat the red ones last?

I can't remember turning off the TV and falling asleep last night. I think that means I slept well. Around dinner-time, I started losing energy. Needing a bit of energy, I went to the frozen yogurt shop and bought a medium green tea yogurt. It was such a pretty colour. I think that's the main reason I like that flavour so much. The owner of the store are always friendly and helpful. They seemed tense and tired yesterday. Normally they stay in the front of the store greeting customers. They were talking loudly in the back. I had a hunch they were in the middle of a disagreement. While eating my yogurt, I sat beside two middle agreed men. I overheard one say he was a retired grade seven teacher. He said he dreaded Labour Day and the Ex closing down because school always started the next day. I felt the same dread as a student. School and the end of a long vacation is a let-down for anyone regardless of whether school is one's job. After finishing my frozen yogurt, I debated over getting a coffee, but decided against it. If I bought one, I knew I might not sleep.

By eight ' clock, I was really tired and grouchy. My sweet tooth kept gnawing at me. Having already bought the big cup of green tea frozen yogurt, I was trying to ignore my craving. I ate broccoli dipped in salsa, but it didn't do the trick. I finally gave in and ate a box of Smarties. I bought Smarties for my best friend who was going to stay overnight a few weeks ago, but she didn't end up coming. The candy has been in my freezer for a while. I'll have to buy some more Smarties for my friend. I felt like a kid eating Smarties, but it was comforting. I love the red and blue smarties best. There is a phrase, "When you eat your Smarties, do you eat the red ones last?" I usually eat them as soon as I see them.

Before bed, I watched TV. When I'm really tired, that's all I really feel like doing. I watched a taped episode of Oprah on teenagers and healthy eating. I had to laugh at my having just devoured a box of child friendly candy and having a big dish of green tea frozen yogurt earlier that day. I did have lots of broccoli and not every day can be totally healthy, right?

I am going home shortly and to the dentist. On my way down the street, a big droplet of water fell on my pants. There is a little brown stain on my pant leg now. Mom will probably notice and try to scrub it off. She's got a sharp eye. There was a scruffy-looking guy being patted down and questioned by police on the street. As I passed them, a siren went off and startled me. I hope the police and the scruffy guy knew that it was the noise that made me jump and not their encounter. I don't know what the scruffy guy was up to, but it couldn't have been good things. It's impossible to know what led him to today's encounter with police. Maybe he missed out on eating Smarties as a kid...


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Take a ride with me...

It's beautiful weather outside. I'm digging it. The sun is shinning and there is a cool, refreshing breeze. I LOVE summer days like today. I'm feeling well, which makes ANY day better. Truthfully, I'm a bit tired, but we can't have it all, can we? I'm wearing a funky, orange and pink flowered top. My Dad would say my top was "psychedelic" or "groovy." Dad loves using words from the 1960's because he knows how much I enjoy music and movies from that time. They have such a fun, free edge. Sometimes I wish I was born during that era, but I think it would be a LOT harder to get around in my wheelchair. Maybe I would fly around on some magic carpet instead of using a wheelchair. This mode of transportation would be freeing, but I'm not sure how safe.

I must be growing used to my loose retainer wire. It's not causing me as much discomfort. I find this a bit ironic, because I have a dentist appointment to repair the wire tomorrow. I am going home to my regular dentist to get fixed up. She has been off on maternity leave, so my last appointment was with the dentist who was filling in for her. I really like my regular dentist. She is sweet, gentle and knows her way around mouths. Though the wire isn't bothering me as much, I will be glad to get it repaired. Going home will be great too. I saw Mom and Dad two days ago, but I miss them. Getting my retainer fixed up and seeing Mom and Dad is a double bonus. I'm meeting the Observer for coffee later in the evening, so that's a triple bonus.

Last night I watched the documentary Thin for a second time. When documentaries are good, I usually watch them twice. It's impossible to get everything during the first watch. My TV got fuddled for the last part of the documentary when I watched it on Saturday. There was an update on each of the woman's progress in the documentary, but my TV wouldn't let me read it. My TV cooperated last night. Sadly, I learned that each woman relapsed, but managed to rebound. This seemed bittersweet. When we're faced with such serious demons, I don't think they disappear easily. One woman gave a haunting statement that "Thinness was the only thing in life that she really wanted and she would do anything to get there, even die," Her words sent chills down my spine...

On a happier note, my brother and his wife take possession of their new home today. They are having floor installed, so the place won't be ready to live in for about another month. I'm happy for my brother and his wife. Their new house is a bright spot in a tough year. They deserve a happy event.

Speaking of tough stuff, the Observer has a meeting with the manager of his attendant care this afternoon to address some struggles. He is very nervous, but I know he'll do a good job speaking up for himself. Being honest isn't easy, particularly when doing so involves putting someone in hot water, but sometimes it must be done. Things sometimes have to get worse before they can get better. I'm proud of the Observer. Hopefully he knows that I am thinking of him. If I could, I'd find a magic carpet and we could both take a ride into a land of Gino beats and disco balls...

What do you think Observer? Sound good?


Monday, August 24, 2009


Someone said that it feels like the end of summer. The CNE opened on Friday. In this city, the opening of this fair-like event does tend to signal the end of summer. Where were our lazy, hazy days? Where was the sweltering heat? Lack of warm aside, the weather was very comfortable. Summer ending always makes me a little sad. It's because I dread winter.

My sister and her husband returned from their walking tour of Spain. They had a wonderful trip. They both look happy, fit and their usual easy going selves. They spent days walking, thinking and sightseeing in the process. Their trip wasn't a typical relaxing honeymoon. Having been together for a decade, there isn't much they haven't experienced together. Both said it was the best trip they have ever taken. I missed my sister and her husband. My Dad told my sister that she "bulked up in the arms" He didn't mean this in a bad way, but if he said that to me, I would worry. My sister isn't as sensitive as I am about body image comments. Hopefully she took his remark in the right context.

Before everyone came for dinner, Dad and I went shopping to look at couches for my apartment. All the couches I liked were very expensive. My twin brother wants to get a new couch, so I might buy his old one off of him. Before I agree to buy it, I want to see a picture. It's better to buy with eyes, not haste. I can't remember the last time Dad and I went shopping together. We shared green tea frozen yogurt. He liked it. Growing up, he used to take me shopping all the time. We didn't really buy much, but spending time together mattered. As I have grown older, I missed spending time with Dad.

The Observer had a seat at our dinner table. He's struggling with issues in his apartment. Last night he was quiet, but he did laugh and enjoy himself. Living with similar challenges as the Observer myself, I understand how frustrating it can be to have to deal with tough people and policies. I also know that being around family helps, so I'm glad the Observer joined us.


Reason, season or life-time...

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person..

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


Last night I watched a documentary called Thin. It was about women who were in treatment for eating disorders. I've been wanting to see it for a while. It made me sad, but I could understand the women's struggles in a way. Everyone has issues. It's just that some are more obvious than others. The stories and challenges each person faced were heartbreaking. Life is short. We all need food and when we deny ourselves such essentials, it's a major red flag that we need help. Many women in Thin made it to recovery, which I found inspiring. I'd love to be thinner myself, but I also want to enjoy living and I believe it's possible to have and do both. I am struggling to find out how, but I will...


Saturday, August 22, 2009

Choices at every opportunity...

Why can I not sleep? Maybe I need to stop asking myself that and then I will. I was pretty tired by last night. The Observer came to visit. We talked and relaxed at my apartment for a bit. It was fun to catch up. I have missed my one-on-one time with the Observer. He admitted to me that maybe I need to branch out a little more. I think the Observer meant I need to take chances, worry less about time, money and parts of life that I can't change. I gathered that his basic message was, "Stop fretting and get out there and live!" Though hearing this was hard, I think maybe the Observer is right. Being around kind, healthy people is good for the soul. When I have the chance to go out, maybe I out to take it. Missed opportunities are often missed chances for learning and growth. How will I know what I could have gained from doing something if I don't do it? What have I got to lose?

On that note, the Observer is going out for dinner and to a comedy club with friends tonight. An invitation was sent my way but I opted out. The night would have been a distance to travel, little expensive and I am already going home to see my family tomorrow. Plus, sometimes I enjoy a quiet night at home. I decided on my solo plans for this evening before our talk yesterday. I value the Observer's opinion. A new goal of mine is to be a little more adventurous and social. I like people, so perhaps I should try to be around them more often.

After we caught up, the Observer and I tried a new bar/coffee lounge nearby. It's called Just Desserts. The coffee lounge is part of a restaurant chain, and I've been to other chains before. Just Desserts is a cross between a bar and a coffee based restaurant. It's just my style. The atmosphere was dark and romantic. Candles made the lightening soft and pretty. It wasn't smokey like a bar, which I liked. The desserts all looked delicious. The Observer tried a chocolate peanut butter cake. He was disappointed, but said he would still be willing to return and try a different dessert. To me, that's a good sign. I had decaf coffee. Getting that order wrong would be hard. The Observer treated me. I owe him an iced cappuccino. I'm not going to forget...

I woke up tired this morning. My mouth is a little sore. I have had a retainer in my mouth for the past ten years. I had braces so it helps keep my teeth aligned During every trip to the dentist, I ask if it's still safe to stay in my mouth. The dentist always says that wearing my retainer "can't hurt." Biting into a tough piece of broccoli last week, a wire came loose. At first, the wire didn't bother me. However, I would argue with my dentist if she said it "can't hurt" because it does now. After talking to Dad, I am go to my usual dentist or a local dentistry clinic around here. Being the weekend, both places are closed. I called my local hospital run clinic that had an automated message saying to "go to the emergency department of the hospital in urgent circumstances." My mouth doesn't hurt THAT much....

I went back to the St. Lawrence Market after hanging up with Dad. Saturday mornings are the best day to go because the full market is open. I didn't see anyone I knew. I did get a sample of yummy cherry cream cheese strudel. The woman who made me a piece gave me a kind smile of recognition. I tried watermelon and gluten free bread. I had quite the post breakfast feast. The traffic lights were off on both trips. A school bus driver told me to follow her. She was sweet, but I was still very nervous. Luckily, I made it across safely.

I haven't seen my sister in four weeks. She and her husband went on a walking tour of Spain for their honeymoon. My Dad said they had an amazing time. They are tired, but full of exciting stories. I can't wait to hear all about their adventures at our family dinner tomorrow. I admire my sister's sense of adventure. She will never miss an opportunity to try something new if she can help it. I feel lucky to have such a positive, fearless role model for a sister. It can't be a coincidence that my sister is returning after being gone for a month and the Observer is telling me to live a little. Maybe my sister will show me how to soak life up.

My former boyfriend is getting married today. Facebook says so. Though I will always cherish our time together, he wasn't good for me. I'm happy he is getting married and mostly happy that it's not to me. Some opportunities are best NOT to take and that would be one.


Friday, August 21, 2009

Stormy night, sunny market morning and decisions...

Remember how we had that big thunderstorm last night? By the time I left the library, the sky had cleared and the rain stopped. Luck was on my side. The elevator broke in my building. I was a bit worried. My dinner was still sitting on the kitchen table, so my tummy was growling. People walking by kept asking what was wrong. I wished I knew. This guy was standing there twiddling his thumbs. I wanted to say, "Why don't you use the stairs?" but I didn't know if that would be rude. I DID say, "At least you can take the stairs." Was my comment, rude, truthful, or both rude AND truthful? He seemed pretty receptive and nodded in agreement, so I think I was safe. The sweet superintendent in my building pushed a magic button that got the elevator moving. She told me that she learned the trick from the fire department. Everyone else watched looked longingly as the doors shut. The superintendent told them the trick was for emergencies only. In my eyes, if you've got working legs, why not use them? Maybe I have a bit of a different perspective. Once back at my apartment, there were seven messages on my answering machine. All were from my Mom or the Observer asking if I was home safely. Being so hungry, I ate with the phone ringing continuously. Though it was a slight annoyance, at least there are people in my life who love me and are concerned. When I'm an old lady and my phone is quiet, I'll be wishing for these days again.

I went to the St. Lawrence Market this morning. After breakfast, I called Mom and she told me the freezer was almost out of bagels. My arm doesn't ever need to be twisted to make a trip to the market. The weather couldn't have been more perfect. On the way, a shady-looking man standing near the Salvation Army asked if he could hitch a ride on my wheelchair. I smiled. Sometimes that's all there is to do. The market was full of the usual, neat food and goods. There was so much to choose from that I couldn't make a choice. I bought quinao and two dozen pumpernickel bagels from my parents. Too many choices can be overwhelming. I left with what I came for, which is what counts, right?

Again, I couldn't sleep last night. What is my problem???? I watched TV for a long time. I remember seeing an old episode of Ellen DeGeneres when she had a talk show. I watched a bit of The Biggest Loser and Property Virgins. When the potential home-owners make an offer on a house, I feel nervous for them. An apple is a big purchase in my books. If I have trouble deciding what to buy at the market, imagine how hard it would be for me to decide to purchase a home. Maybe one day I'll win a fully furnished, move-in ready home and all choices will be made for me. It's always healthy to dream, but I need to start sleeping better first.


Thursday, August 20, 2009

Indecisive with a funky hair-do...

I have to be the most indecisive girl on the planet. At the mall with the Observer last night, my mind kept switching between having a spinach mushroom salad with sunflower seeds and croutons or vanilla frozen yogurt. In the line up for frozen yogurt, I told the Observer that I would be right back. On my way to get a salad, I changed my mind again. Sometimes frozen yogurt is best when eaten with a loved one or friend. It was an opportunity I couldn't resist. I'm glad I decided on frozen yogurt. It was yummy and refreshing. Seeing the Observer made for a great evening. I made a mistake booking my bus ride and was late arriving. Not only am I indecisive, I can scatter brained too. The Observer was a bit down, but he brightened up after we ate. Maybe we both needed food. I was craving my third coffee of the day. I felt over-indulgent because earlier yesterday, I bought myself an iced coffee from Coffee Time. It was just the cool, refreshing, pick-me-up I needed. The store had a step but kind strangers helped me get in and out. Well, going back to last night, the Observer bought me a decaf coffee. I drank it slowly and some spilled on my pants. Oh well, I can't think of a sweeter natural perfume.

Sleeping proved to be challenging last night, but I saw some good stuff on TV. There was a documentary about when lightening strikes. I learned that a bolt of lightening can hit us without warning. Scary, isn't it? I watched The Next Food Network Star, Frasier, Property Virgins and Opening Soon. I think those were the same shows I watched last Wednesday night. The girl who was voted off The Next Food Network Star was skilled and personable, but focused too much on her Korean heritage. There is a mother of four who does French cooking who I am rooting for. If she wins, she'll get her own show on Food Network. I would watch her.

Being that I am so indecisive, would you be surprised to know that I didn't know what to do with myself today? This morning I kept telling myself that I should go outside, but I never made it. Instead, I ate a leisurely breakfast of whole wheat toast, prunes and coffee. I was hungry. Maybe it's because I got up late. The attendant I had this morning likes to style my hair in funky ways. She gave me a big braid at the side of my head. It's very different. All day, I kept looking in the mirror thinking, "Is that really me with the funky hairdo?" I'm not sure if my family or the Observer would like it. If I have to ask myself this, the answer is probably no. I haven't seen any family members or friends today. If I did run into them, they would have to do a double take just to make sure it's really me.

This afternoon I bought bus tokens and tried a free sample of spicy sausage from the grocery store. I liked it, but not enough to buy and make at home. Just after four ' o'clock, I saw a sign with the word "espresso" at Tim Hortons. It's the only store in the chain that carries espresso. It's fancier than every day coffee. Seeing the sign compelled me to order a double short. If it's not a double, why bother? It was quite good and much cheaper than espresso at Starbucks. Sometimes pricier isn't better.

A rainstorm is passing through. There is thunder and lightening. I'm inside feeling dry, safe and content. My hair may get wet. It's alright. I already look a bit strange, what's a little rain water?


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Attraction study...

Today is a sunny hump day. They must call Wednesday "hump day" because it's right in the middle of the week. The word "hump" makes me smile. I think naughty thoughts. By late last night, I was very tired. The day felt long, as it usually does when I have an appointment. Before bed I watched Oprah.I found the show interesting. It was an old episode on the science of attraction. Researchers said that women crave being desired. The feeling of someone wanting a female makes the female want that person in return. Furthermore, women talked about liking the feeling of being dominated by their loved one when there was mutual respect between both partners. Scientists hypothesized that perhaps the craving for domination came from women needing to give up control occasionally. As heads of their households, females probably feel overwhelmed and enjoy letting a loved one take control once in a while. The theory seems logical to me.

The study of attraction revealed that both men and women aim high in the looks department when searching for partners. Over time, they lower their standards to find a equally attractive partner or one that has some concrete benefit such as good genes or financial stability. We may settle for partner who is less attractive than we are, because they have money or are very healthy. Results found that women are more attracted to the scent of testosterone during ovulation and men can sense when women are at fertile stages. I buy this theory too.

When it comes to my attraction to the Observer, I love his huge grin. His grin makes ME grin. He smiles with his whole heart. I like to think I do too. I love the Observer's shiny head. It's unique and makes him more approachable. The Observer always smells amazing, which draws me towards hugging him. His teeth are gleaming white and he looks polished. The Observer's tallness makes me feel safe. If it's true that "birds of a feather flock together", I'm glad that maybe I have some of the same good qualities as the Observer. The Oprah episode said that kisses should be a minimum of ten seconds to really count. Later the Observer and I are meeting at Sherway. Hopefully, he's pucked up for that thirty second smooch...


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Cherries and pits....

Today is cooler. There is a breeze. Just as the weatherman predicted, a little bit of rain came. Thankfully it was pretty short lived. On my way to an appointment, the sky suddenly got dark. I worried about thunderstorms, but thankfully, they stayed away. In seconds, rain poured down. However, the rain stopped as fast as the skies opened up. The sun came out and the streets dried quickly. I was fortunate not to get too soaked, but my pants were a bit wet. It looked like I had a bathroom accident. I made sure to clarify at the doctor's office that I did not pee myself. They laughed.

On the way home, I stopped to buy cherries from a fruit stand. I asked a kind looking stranger to help me pick them out. She was very friendly. I could tell by looking at her that she wouldn't mind helping me. The store wasn't too accessible. There was a rickety looking ramp that I was nervous to use, so the woman took them inside for me. The store owner sweetly came out and I paid her. Just as we were finishing, some lady began complaining about how water from an umbrella at the stand soaked her. She was very grumpy. She said she had to go out for dinner and now she looked horrible. The store employee apologized and gave the woman a paper tower to dry off. Rain falls from high places. It's life. No one intentionally caused the water to fall on that particular woman. I don't think she was a good person. The lady who got soaked needed lessons in friendliness from the woman who helped me picked cherries. If life is a bowl of cherries, today I ran into a person who chooses to focus on the sweet juicy cheery, and another who probably only sees the pits.

I'm very tired right now. I didn't sleep too well last night. Not every night can be good, right? Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight. Though I am tired, my day was good. The rain came, but so did the sun. My cherries were delicious. Sure they have pits, but nothing is perfect, is it?


Monday, August 17, 2009

Life's short...soak it up!!!

Last night I didn't feel like I had the energy to travel home. Once on the bus, I was alright. My thoughts kept returning to the events of the day. While waiting for my bus, another wheelchair bus driver called Parking Authority on a driver whose car was parked illegally. I felt like asking the tattle tale driver why he had to ruin some one's day. Do people have too much time on their hands that the only way they can think to occupy their time is to damper another person's morning? Obeying the law is important, but sometimes we owe people a break. Both of my bus drivers were a little intense. I could tell they weren't the joking type. Not everyone rolls with life. Mom and Dad loved the apple strudel I bought. We all had a piece for dessert at lunch-time. While the strudel was good, nothing beats apple crisp. Since I brought it home, I wasn't going to try any. It seems weird to eat a treat I bought for other people. I did cave and it was a yummy dessert choice. My eyebrows were getting pretty brushy, so Mom plucked them, cleaned my ears and washed my face. I felt like a whole new person. No one takes care of me like my Mom...

I kept thinking of my Grandpa talking to his fork while eating his dessert. He is in his own world. He carries around stuffed animals and thinks they are real. When I volunteered at a nursing home, I knew a sweet resident who did the same. I never thought Grandpa would go down this road. No one ever thinks they will. Grandma is patient and attentive. Now is where her "in sickness and health" vow means the most....

Mom made steak and pasta for dinner. I enjoyed the steak. I rarely eat red meat, and it must be cooked at home by a trusted person. It's my own rule. Mom and Dad had corn on the Cobb. I like corn off the Cobb. It's too messy and gets in my teeth any other way. Mom picked up a strawberry rhubarb pie for dessert. I had a HUGE piece. Yesterday I had a double dose of dessert. It's not every day I visit home though, right? After dinner, we watched the tenth anniversary special of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Regis Philbmen hasn't changed much. I sat in the big love seat in the living room to give my bottom a rest....My eyes could barely stay open. My sleep last night was the best. Being strewn out tired probably helped. I didn't even watch TV. The mere thought of turning it on made me least it was a happy tired.

It's a scorcher out there! To call it "hot" is putting it madly. I don't mind. Days as summer-like as this one have been few and far between. I am going to soak up the heat while it lasts. In January, we will be craving weather as warm as today. This morning I ran some quick errands and made calls. Being so tired last night, I wanted to stay the night at my parents, Technically I am a guest, so I couldn't invite myself. They never offered, so I never asked. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't stay because Mom got called into work early this morning. Had I stayed overnight, she wouldn't have been able to work. She works casually now, so she doesn't always get many hours. I feel happy when Mom is free to do what she needs to do.

A woman sat out in the lobby of my apartment all morning. She talked to me the second time I saw her. The woman told me about another tennant using a wheelchair who had two big dogs. The lady looked bored and lonely. Why was she sitting there all day? Maybe my curiousity means that I have to much tme on my hands. If this is case, I'd still never resort to looking for illegally parked cars and calling the police. Life is too short and there's sunshine to enjoy!


Sunday, August 16, 2009

Home to those I love....

I am exhausted tonight. I am on my way home from visiting my parents. It's been so long since I have seen them. I got there around noon and stayed until just before ten o'clock. Spending the day with Mom and Dad was extra special, because I was the only "kid" visiting. After lunch, we visited my grandparents. Grandpa is doing OK, but has regressed back to childhood. He was talking to a stuffed animal and his spoon. I am a bit sad for Grandpa, but at least he is happy. Eating takes Grandpa a long time. He gets so easily distracted and prefers being fed. Hopefully he'll start feeding himself soon. He's still recovering from his stay in hospital. Grandma made me some tea and pour it into a special mug that forms the tea into a heart shape right to the last drop. I loved the mug. Grandma always has the neatest things. I am glad I saw my grandparents. Grandpa was smiling, so that made me happy. As long as he is still smiling, I know Grandpa is in there....somewhere.


Saturday, August 15, 2009

A weekend of Lucy and Me...

It's summer outside again! I am happy the weather is so sweet. It's been a fun weekend, even though I'm flying solo. Last night I watched I Love Lucy on DVD. Lucy always makes me laugh. There will never be another comedian like her. Lucy had an effortless way of making people laugh. Her acting brought out pure, human instincts that we can all understand, which is why we can't help but laugh. Together with her talented cast, her show is a classic look at life through the eyes of a quirky, determined wife.

I went to the St. Lawrence Market and bought Mom and Dad strudel. Hopefully, they will like it. I ran into the Observer's best friend at the market. I guess great minds think alike....I am going to watch I Love Lucy again tonight. Lucy is great company. if I have to have the TV as a guest, she's the funniest person I know!


Friday, August 14, 2009

Salt, sun, sprinkles, and solo singing....

We went to Boston Pizza last night. I don't go there often. It was alright. The Observer and I shared a garlic bread starter. It tasted like pita bread brushed in garlic butter. He had pizza and I had salad with chicken with a piece of garlic toast. Our waitress was sweet. She kept asking if we needed help with anything. When I asked for garlic toast, she said, "We don't give away anything for free here. I'm going to have to charge you a dollar." I smiled and said, "No problem." I didn't think the garlic bread would be free.

After dinner we had time to kill, so we went to the bar inside the hotel where our buses come. I asked for a diet coke, but could tell it was a regular. It wasn't fakely sweet like diet coke often is. I drank it anyways. I ate lots of honey roasted beer nuts. My body must have been craving salt. They were good. The Observer had rum and coke. Both of our drinks were overpriced. I do feel guilty that I consumed so much junk, but today is a new day.

On the way home, my bus driver picked up a passenger who I haven't seen in ages. In her mid fifties, she spends three or four nights a week at a karaoke bar. She's been going for years. The bus driver told me that that is the only time she goes out. The staff treat her well and she enjoys singing. I guess that's what matters. It's a bit sad. We all need friends and social activities. While the woman enjoys singing, it's too bad she doesn't go to the karaoke bar with friends. She's sweet and simple. There is an innocence about her that warms my heart. She'll say exactly what she's thinking. Maybe I'll ask her if she wants to meet for karaoke one day. I can't sing, but I can be a good friend.

The Observer is away in Montreal. He called to say he arrived safely. Unfortunately, I missed his call as I was at the drugstore. I had to laugh. Last night I asked the Observer if it cost him anything if I were to call him on his cell phone. He told me to text him instead. Texts are free from anywhere. Teasing, I pointed out that, four years ago, he used to call me while away. My, how things change. Saying good, I said, "Bye cheapie." The Observer must have felt bad, because he's called twice already. Hopefully the trip there with his parents was good. It's a six hour drive. I texted him back, so hopefully he knows that he doesn't have to keep calling.

Today is beautiful outside. It's sunny, warm and summer-like. On the street, I felt wetness sprinkle my face. Stopping to wipe it, a pan handler said, "Hi Beautiful" just as I skidded to a halt. I think he thought his compliment made me stop in my tracks. I am a bit lonely. I miss the Observer. I am going to have a quiet night. Maybe I'll watch a movie or go to Starbucks. Who knows....there could be a karaoke bar in my very near future....


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Minding my anger...

I have no complaints. Well, I'm a little tired, but nothing major. I had trouble getting to sleep. It was around 3:30, but the time I drifted off and I woke up just before 7:00. That's not many hours of sleep, but I will get some high quality rest tonight. My attendant made me upset. Earlier in the evening, an attendant made a comment about how I "need to eat more and that I have this fear of getting fat." I was so uncomfortable that I laughed. That's what I do when I don't know what to say. When I didn't say anything, the attendant responded with, "See, you don't want to hear what I'm saying....." That's right. I don't, because it's not true.

Trying to stay calm and happy, I started a new book called Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult. I have had the book on my table for a while and have been stopping and starting reading it. I'm determined to read it this time. I listened to happy music and watched a taped episode of Oprah called Heroes Among Us about Americans who are making lives of those affected by the recession a little easier. They were uplifting stories. I was feeling better until....ANOTHER attendant made some comment about my eating habits that REALLY got under my skin. Why can't people mind their own business? She asked me what I ate that day as she was putting me to bed. I wanted to say, "What did YOU eat today?" However, I knew that would be rude and that I would lose my composure, so I replied with, "I ate lots of healthy food." Why does she care????? What business is it of hers? I am an adult. I know how to eat properly. I have a mother and I don't need another one. Thanks. My mind was racing. I was mad. I hate having to deal with so many nosy people. Their jobs aren't to hound me and be the food police. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!! Why does ANYONE care what I eat or don't eat? I decide what I put in my mouth because it's my body.

I went to bed and tried to put the conversation out of my head. I watched a show called Property Virgins on HGTV about first time home buyers. Maybe one day I will be a first time home buyer. It looks to be both an exciting and scary event. Most big milestones in life bring out happiness and anxiety. We can't have one without a little of the other it seems. I watched The Next Food Network Star. It's my favourite show on that channel, but unlike last year, I haven't been tuning in every week. I enjoyed the episode though. Hopefully I'll remember to watch it next week. Next I saw a show called Opening Soon about the process of opening a new restaurant. I started feeling the need for sleep, so I tried watching cartoons. Once I turned over, sleep came. It wasn't a bad night for channel surfing, but I would have preferred sleep.

This morning I woke up angry about the food comments. My brain doesn't forget easily. I vented to an attendant who I trust and who I knew would understand. She did. I feel a bit better now, but I'm mad.

A little while ago, a guy who looked about my age stopped me on the street and asked if I had a few minutes to talk. I said, "No, sorry. I'm busy." What could he possibly want to talk to me about???????? I'm sure it wasn't anything normal or good. People are strange and unpredictable. I'm tired of odd behaviours and comments today. I started this blog but saying I had no real complaints. I guess I do. It's odd how I often say that I'm doing well, even if something is bothering me. Maybe that makes me human.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The drama of friends, filmng and finding inner fight....

Last night was yucky. I was feeling tired and had stomach cramps. My stomach was working overtime. I changed into my pajamas early. I had enough. On the bright side, my brother and his wife came to drop off my laundry. I enjoyed seeing them. They are both doing well. I didn't think I was up for company, but was happy they stopped by. Sometimes when we think contact with loved ones is the last thing we need, it's the one thing that will brighten our spirits. I'm trying to make more of an effort to see friends and family. I'm no hermit crab, but I think a little company would do me good. On that note, the Observer is sad tonight. His friends took a rain check on their plans for a guys' night of Swiss Chalet and manly TV watching. Poor Observer. He was so let down. I told him to order Swiss Chalet for himself and do manly activities himself. There's something so liberating about treating ourselves well. Why do we have to wait for our friends? Hopefully the Observer is full of chicken and is kicking back being a dude right now.....

I had a visitor today from a youth Independence Program. I participated in the same program ten years ago and went to see how a disabled person lives successfully in the community. It was inspiring and eye opening. For years participants from the Independence Program have come to visit me. I always enjoy meeting them. They are always full of hope and that gives me hope. My visitor this afternoon was reserved and thoughtful. She told me that the Independence Program showed her how she needs to speak for herself. She said she's thinking of moving out. We didn't visit for long, but I liked her. She had a form of dwarfism. Though she was small, she will be mighty as she matures. She only needs to realise this for herself.

I bought vegetables and two cans of high quality coffee. It was on sale, so why not? An episode of a police drama called Flash point is being filmed right across the street from me. There are huge crowds and lots of police. Getting around is a challenge, but it is neat. On my way to get my hair cut yesterday, I got stuck in the crowds. I managed to bypass the congested strip today. Maybe I'll see my neighbourhood in the show. I don't watch much prime time drama, because I get enough of a live show every day. Who needs TV drama when it's right outside my window?


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Hair story...

Today I got my hair cut. I told the hairdresser to "take off just over two inches and to please make sure that my hair was left long enough to put in a ponytail." I KNOW she took off way more than inches. My hair doesn't even reach my shoulders. Truthfully I had a hunch I would get a chop, even though that's not what I asked for. The hairdresser must have known by my expression that I wasn't happy. She said something about how, if she was friendly and courteous, people might forgive her for giving them a bad haircut. I wanted to ask, "Are you saying this because you know you cut too much of my hair off?" I would be rude to say that, so I smiled and nodded. The hairdresser WAS friendly and she did give me a good haircut. It was just too much of a cut. It's a risk anyone takes trying a new hairdresser. I was really upset at first, but I'm trying to keep things in perspective. It's hair and it will grow back. By Christmas my hair will be back to it's usual length. Right now, that sounds so far away, but time will fly....let's hope so anyway.

I was supposed to go to a doctor's appointment today. I never made it because I couldn't reach my automatic door opener. I can't open the door without it, so I didn't get far. Somehow my hand get all cramped and it took me a long time to be able to move it properly. It's hard to explain. One must have a physical disability to know what I am talking about. Even though I missed my appointment, at least I didn't break my hand. Thankfully I was able to reschedule my appointment for next week, so all was not lost. Well....maybe a bit too much hair.


Monday, August 10, 2009

A double feature weekend...

The air is sticky and humid. Summer finally arrived. August is pretty well half-way over, so it's about time. Sleep decided to visit my room, which made me happy. The whole world looks brighter after a good rest. I visited a friend for a bit on Saturday night. The conversation and company was a good distraction from my tiredness. I didn't really feel like going, but was glad I did. Sometimes pushing myself is best. I started watching the movie Lady For A Day, but had the chance to go to bed early, so I took it. The movie was made in 1930 and is about an alcoholic woman who is ashamed that she makes a living selling apples. She hides her sad life from her daughter pretending she lives a lavish life at a hotel and is married to a rich man. Her daughter gets engaged and comes to visit. The town bands together and gives the woman a make-over while treating her as a person of distinction.

Yesterday the Observer came to see me. It rained in the morning and cleared by afternoon. I was happy because we tried out an old movie theater. It wasn't the most wheelchair accessible, but we found our way. I saw the experience as an adventure. We saw the movie Julie and Julia. I loved it. The Observer saw the movie twice this weekend, so that should tell you something. It's about a thirty-something insurance employee who begins blogging about cooking Julia Child's recipes. It's funny, sweet and makes one appreciate both the professional and average cook. On a more philosophical level, Julie And Julia shows how cooking can be both creative and safe when life is uncertain. Food is essential, but it can be made and consumed in so many different ways. The movie reminded me how blogging is purposeful and a form of expression - just like cooking. Julia Child is played by Meryl Streep. Her character is lovable, real and hilarious. Her struggles to prove herself made me appreciate how hard chefs must work to make it. The food in the movie made me hungry.

We went to a nearby Irish Pub for supper. I had salad with salsa and the Observer had chicken pot pie. Once we were in Starbucks, the skies opened up. We waited until the cleared, so the Observer's wheelchair wouldn't stop working. Thankfully, we made it home OK. I finished watching the DVD Lady For A Day. Lady For A Day was heartwarming. I got hungry halfway through the movie and ate half a turkey dinner and crackers. Maybe I was subconsciously thinking of all the cooking in Julie And Julia.


Saturday, August 08, 2009

Tired Lady For A Day...

I can't seem to sleep these nights. My eyes closed for all of about an hour last night. My mind was buzzing and I just couldn't calm down. The Observer and I went to Starbucks and I quickly drank a coffee with soy milk. I asked for decaf, but after my night of insomnia, I'm doubtful that's what I got. I think they gave me coffee with a buzz. Getting coffee that isn't what I order is a risk that I knowingly take each time I order from a coffee shop. To me, a sleepless night is sometimes worth a delicious coffee. However, since this is the second night that I haven't slept well, I think I will steer clear of the coffee shop tonight. I was a bit grumpy last night, but still happy to see the Observer. He saw the movie Julie And Julia with his best friend. They both enjoyed it.

While they saw the movie, I had some salad and crackers for supper at home. I went to pick up Smarties and Junior Mints for my friend. She was planning to come and hang out with me tonight and stay until tomorrow. Since I am operating on minimal sleep, I thought it would be best to cancel. I'm not much fun when I'm exhausted. I called my friend early this morning to give her fair advance notice. Hopefully she understood. She did ask me a few times if I still wanted her to come. She said she didn't care if I wasn't my best. She was sweet to say that, but I do better alone when I'm feeling off. I also wouldn't want to take the risk of being miserable and snappy around my friend. I love her. When I'm tired, I can be a real witch. Her candy is still waiting for her in the refrigerator which will remind me to see her soon.

In an effort to make use of the day, I went out early and put a documentary on order from the library. The lady behind the counter was friendly and complimented me on my shirt. Another library staff kindly moved the DVD to a cart so I could browse through them. I rented a classic old film called Lady For A Day. It looks likes a movie my grandfather would enjoy. I might watch it tonight if my eyes stay open.

I stopped by Tim Horton's for coffee. The store was packed. A kind woman offered me a seat at her table. She had class. The woman finished her coffee quickly and told me she had to go to work. We shared a table ten minutes, but I liked her. I was only sitting alone for about three minutes, before an older, eccentric-looking man asked if he could have a seat. I quietly agreed, even though I felt nervous. He didn't look classy. We sipped our coffee in silence until he finally told me he was cold. He asked me about getting around the city, how my wheelchair battery works and whether I lived around here. I answered all his questions except the last one. Telling strangers in coffee shops where I live just doesn't seem right. I found out from him that he made a bid on a painting, that he lives not far, he had a small breakfast, and he believes our souls never end. I didn't feel completely safe with him, so I finished my coffee quickly. I wish him "good luck getting his painting." The man said if he sees me again he'll let me know how the bidding went. Hopefully I don't run into him again. Not all strangers I meet in coffee shops seem like people I'd like to see a second. Random encounters can be exciting and strange.

I went to the drugstore and ran into a friend who lives in my building. I told her how tired I was. She invited me for a visit and pizza later in the evening. I thanked her and said I would think about it. Random invites are a sweet surprise. I may stop by just for a bit. I'm running out of steam, but sometimes company helps me forget my exhaustion. I'm grateful for every random person I saw today. Though they were all very different, they talked to me. I'm tired, but life is still moving. Maybe the DVD Lady For A Day landed in my hand to remind me that I'm a person with much to say whether I'm energized or not. In my case, the DVD would be renamed Tired Lady For A Day. The word "lady" commands respect - whatever state a female finds herself in. I like that.


Friday, August 07, 2009

How did we get here???

It's a beautiful, sunny Friday. Fridays are always good, but sunny weather makes them even better. My attendant this morning was very talkative. She's friendly, helpful and knows her job, so I suppose that's what counts. Our conversation got very philosophical. My attendant was explaining all about evolution and how we came to be. Since I hadn't had coffee yet, the whole subject was a bit heavy for me. I was thinking, "Please, just hurry up! I need my coffee and I'm not really listening to you. My brain is still asleep." I didn't say that. I pretended to listen when I really needed the toilet and was daydreaming of strong, dark, caffeine infused coffee. I LOVE the Starbucks blend the Observer got me. I think my body has grown accustomed to it.

My attendant was discussing some weird matters. She said she thinks humans originated from water. We're all entitled to our opinion. I told her that I don't really have one yet. I do believe in a higher power. Science can't explain everything in life. I wouldn't want it to either. Who wants to know all the answers? What would be the purpose of being here if we had no mystery? I need to have faith. I need to believe that someone is watching over me when I feel lost and alone. I need to know someone has my back when I'm sleeping and is waiting for me when it's my time to leave earth. Perhaps I sound spiritual, but I'm OK with that. I don't go to church, so I wouldn't call myself religious. I think religion grounds some people. Maybe someday I will join a church. Belonging to a community serves an important purpose. That said, I believe in free will and freedom of choice. A churchgoer ought to feel safe to form his or her own beliefs.

Science has a place in how we got here....It's everywhere. Living is a process and we follow patterns. Maybe science helped us sort out these patterns. Studying provides us with answers and a drive to learn. That has value. Part of me thinks that spirituality picks up where religion ends off and vice versa. We need knowledge and a belief in something bigger than we are. Finding that balance isn't easy, but maybe we aren't meant to reach a goal or come up with a final answer. Perhaps we are here to enjoy life.

My attendant told me she would love to be a genius. I don't share this desire. Intelligence is mostly developed rather than acquired. Sure, there are people who are born naturally smart, but don't most of us acquire knowledge through life experience? Isn't there joy in learning from others? My opinion is that it would awfully lonely at the top of the tower of knowledge. It's not as though there is an option of downgrading. Is it humanly possible to know everything? My attendant says no. Still though, I believe there is peace in living life simply and existing neutrally. The middle ground is safe and full of the most people. Why would anyone choose to be the exception? Being human automatically gives us similarities to one and other and isn't that beautiful.

I was confused after our talk. The peace was comforting after my attendant left. Our talk did get me thinking. I am writing about it after all. I enjoy deep conversations, but not before I have answered the call of nature or had my coffee. I am human and so are you. You must know what I mean and that makes me feel understood. Who really knows how we got here and does it REALLY matter?