Sunday, January 31, 2010

Life After You

You say your life's run out,
Taken all it can take,
We will fashion you a place that will spoon feed it,
right back to you.
Hell was getting way too close,
so we ran away ran away.
We needed to find a place to go,
and we did,
oh we did.

When you're lucky to be alive
Hell's not the palce you want to spend your time in.
You'd better run away and hide,
'cos this old place is making Hell look friendly.
we didn't come here
no we didn't plan to,

We ended up here.
Now we're the crew on a ship thats sailing,
Somewhere, Nowhere.

I'd say you've outrun life
It would have a job catching up.
We will offer you this place
and we will put our eyes right into you.
He asked us whats the point in going back to then,
when all you're doing is getting hurt.

He followed stick around and sing, stick around and sing with me. \"lalalalala\" When you're lucky to be alive

Hells not the palce you want to spend your time in.
You'd better run away and hide, 'costhis old place is making Hell look friendly.
we didn't come here no, we didn't plan to,
We ended up here.
Now we're the crew on a ship thats sailing,
Somewhere, Nowhere.

When you're lucky to be alive
Hell's not the palce you want to spend your time in.
You'd better run away and hide,
'cos this old place is making Hell look friendly.
we didn't come here no we didn't plan to,
We ended up here.

Now we're the crew on a ship thats sailing,
Somewhere, Nowhere.
we're singing

Chris Draughtry


Yesterday afternoon I froze my arse off while driving to Union Station. The cold bit me. Serves me right for not taking the bus....After only ten minutes of wheeling, I couldn't feel my fingers or toes. The security guard at the library helped me put on my mittens, but did a mediocre job. I stopped off at my apartment and my attendant fixed me up. The trip was long, but I made it to Union Station just in time. I was craving the warmth of coffee, but knew I needed to thaw before I could enjoy it. My friend and I found our usual table and I waited while she got pizza. I went to Mr. Sub and ordered a salad with turkey. I took forever eating it, but my friend didn't mind. It gave me a chance to munch and listen - her to chat. We finally went to Second Cup. We both had Buy One, Get One Free coupons and used them. My french vanilla coffee with soy milk was well worth the wait. I got cookies, chocolate, mellon mint gum and daisy soap as a Valentine's day gift. I kept the soap and gum. Don't tell....

Driving home I dropped my purse and cell phone on the road. Someone kind retrieved it. I'm lucky. Passing the music store, I stopped in and bought the Sugarland album called Love On The Inside. I've listened to it twice and love it, especially the tune All I Wanna Do. Sugarland's music is catchy, upbeat and soulful. I never used to be much of a country fan, but lately I listen to whichever sounds good. Darius Rucker from Hootie and The Blow fish went country, so that's how I started testing out the genre. Don't knock it until you try it.

The wheelchair technician came and fixed my broken foot pedal this morning. I'm good to go home. I'm taping the Grammy awards as I'll be in transit when they are on...I'm not a huge award show watcher, but I will be rooting for Sugarland...


Saturday, January 30, 2010

Up In The Air...

The cold snap is still here. I don't think it will go anywhere fast. Winter seems to last forever (or maybe just to me!) Last night was relaxing. I ate turkey soup, drank lemon Earl Gray tea, listened to tunes on the radio and watched some I Love Lucy on DVD. As usual, I watched Oprah on DVD. Her episode was called Fridays Live In Chicago. Normally, it's quite a gossipy show. This episode was no exception. The part I did enjoy was Jason Reitman's interview for Up In The Air. After finding out that it features real-life stories of the unemployed, I can't wait to see it. I also saw Oprah's interview with Jay Leno, but I wasn't really interested. Late night comedy doesn't do much for me. Craig Kilburger is funny though. I think it's his accent. Is he Irish, Scottish, or English?

Today I'm meeting my friend at Union Station. She's going to be shocked by my heftier self. My footrests are busted. They are being held together by red and orange string. Tomorrow I'm planning to head home for dinner. Hopefully my foot petals can be fixed before my ride comes. I'm crossing my fingers that my foot petals hold out and keep my feet steady. The fact that I use wheelchair foot pedals makes me a bit unique. On the other hand, everyone tries to keep his or her feet steady.


Friday, January 29, 2010

Winter sunshine...

It's winter outside again today. Oh well, it's refreshing.....kind of. I listened to music this morning and felt the sun streaming through my window. It's healing. I'm glad there is sunshine. It makes any pain or cold more bearable. Everyday I have waves of sadness. Why is it hitting me now? There are so many memories in my head - so much laughter. Some relationships end because of pain. Not mine. I still love the Observer, but I understand that we're not meant to be together. I think of my snappy remarks, how we rarely went out for dinner, and my lack of affectionate behaviour towards him and I feel sad.. Sometimes I hurt the Observer because I was hurting. Maybe it wasn't obvious to him, but I often regretted my actions and words. The Observer always treated me with love and I often acted out of pain....sometimes I wanted to disappear.

Truthfully, life sucks a lot these days. I feel so big, alone and crazy, but I try to smile anyway. If the sun is out, maybe it's telling me to look up.


Thursday, January 28, 2010

Fuller, fine me...

Outside is a freezer. Yuck. I seem to always say, Well, it IS almost February and we've been lucky so far compared to last winter. Dad makes me laugh. He says the same sentiment ALL the time. At first I thought he was mocking me as I catch myself expressing these thoughts alot. Dad said he says the same things at work. I guess I'm not the only one...

I am being reminded that the world is FULL of kind people. Yesterday I bought vegan pizza. A kind sandwich shop employee helped me take it out of my backpack and gave me a bottle of water. I didn't drink it, but was touched by the thought. A man walking out of the library helped me put up my hood. At Starbucks, the barista was very helpful. Today my doctor was VERY understanding and helped me press the elevator button. Another man asked how he could help me when I got out. Buying bread in the grocery store, the cashier was super helpful and patient getting my card out.

I dread morning. I'm bigger than I have ever been. While having a shower this morning, my favorite attendant made a comment about me being "fuller". To me this means fat, but it's OK. I am twenty pounds heavier, so logically, I am "fuller". I feel too big.........I am struggling, but I am still glad to be here.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Wintery Wednesday...

Today is more seasonal outside. There is snow on the ground. We really have no right complaining. I was just interviewed by the ministry of community and social services on library accessibility. It was easy and the people were friendly. I gave the library a top notch rating. They are friendly, kind and helpful to me always. That's what counts. They filmed me entering the library. The snow was coming down and looked so pretty. As a viewer, one might think it was staged. I know it was winter giving us a gift. Dad called and wished me a good day today. I consider sweet messages like his gifts too.

Sometimes I am hit by waves of sadness. I guess this is to be expected. I get lonely and miss the Observer terribly. I miss the phone ringing at night. We had such a routine. He was, and still is, my very best friend. The Observer must be sad and angry sometimes too. He had no choice in our break-up and I have to remember this.

I left the Tale Of Despereux DVD at my parents' house. I hope I don't rack up a huge library fine. If I do, it won't be a huge deal. Money isn't everything.


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

back at last...

Well, I'm finally back from visiting home. I don't think I ever watched so much TV. On Saturday, we watched the movie Fame. There wasn't a real solid story. It was more bits of various stories and nothing substanial. I wasn't too impressed. We also watched The Sag Awards. This morning I had to get up earlier as Mom had Aquafit. (water aerobics). She left me in front of the TV watching the Tale Of Despereux. It kept skipping, so I didn't see much. My brother came by with his dog. Half an hour after he left, I had to call him for some urgent help. Though slightly embarrassing for both of us, he didn't seem to mind helping me. He's the best.

Mom and I watched parts of the Bachelor. I found the show silly. The girls all seem so vain. I was sad to say goodbye to Mom, but I didn't cry like I have been lately. That's progress, right?


Monday, January 25, 2010

Respect fits all...

Outside is rainy and dreary. I'm still at home. My rides got fuddled up. Tomorrow is back to being an adult. Mom and I spent the day watching TV. We watched episodes of Baby Story and 18 Kids And Counting. Last night we ordered Thai and watched parts of shows. Hanging with my family has been fun. I do feel lazy though. Mom and Dad look tired. Hopefully I haven't worn them out. I keep thanking them for having me home. I hope they know how much I love them. Being alone right now is hard. I feel myself expanding. When people are helpful or kind, I can't help but wonder why. I feel big and gross. Logically, my kindness towards a person has nothing to do with his or her size. I treat people well because they are human and everyone deserves respect. My hope is that each of us remembers this.


Sunday, January 24, 2010


My parents have never seen so much of me lately. It's been a good month of being pampered and spoiled. On Friday, I saw the movie The Tooth Fairy staring the Rock. Julie Andrews and Ashley Judd were in it too... While it wouldn't have been my first movie choice, it was light, cute and easy to smile about. I went with my friend Franci. We don't see each other often, so it was fun to catch up over subs and a movie. Sometimes females just understand....

After the movie, I went home. Mom and I were tired, so we had crackers and hit the hay early. I fell asleep very quickly. Home brings on sleep. I was planning to watch Milk, but fell asleep.


Friday, January 22, 2010

I'm OK...

On Wednesday night, I went to a meeting for my attendant services. Management was friendly, but some of the consumers need to get a life. Who cares how many gloves attendants wear? Life is too short for such pettiness. I was glad I went. Everything is an experience. There was no one I could really relate to. They were older......

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. I'm not sure if I like this new docter so much......there's just something about her knowledge that I don't trust. I had vegan pizza. The pizza man didn't charge me. I had physiotherapy too. Later, I binged on cornbread and went to bed early........I have a double chin, but I'm OK.

- ocg

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


There might be purple Kool-Aid on my mouth. Maybe there is - maybe there isn't......I watched some sitcom on Showcase yesterday with Rosie O' Donnell as a judge. It was about some model who wakes up as an overweight lawyer....I wasn't very impressed. Yesterday I ate WAY too much. I am stuffing myself full of junk. It's so unhealthy. I ate a soy burger from a place called South Street Burger, two cooked onions, two oatmeal raisin cookies from Starbucks, a donut and a waffle. That is too much food. I am trying to let it go. My jeans barely do up. I feel huge, but this will pass. I dropped my donut at Tim Hortons. A kind customer got me a new one.

I spent the morning listening to music. There is a new tune called Kings And Queens that I love. The video is funky. I evaluated the manager of my attendant services. He does a good job and is a friendly guy. I had very little to say that was negative.....I can always think of negative things to say about myself. Maybe I'll keep these thoughts to myself. When an unkind thought comes to mind, I'm going to crank up my music and dance.


Tuesday, January 19, 2010


The weather has been good. I had an appointment today. I am trying not to freak. Over Christmas, I gained ten pounds. I'm not surprised. I knew I did.....but..........

I am still a good person. life will go on.....this will pass.

People are dying in Haiti. People need happiness to be alive and thriving. I am healthy.


Monday, January 18, 2010

Visiting while on a visit...

There is a queasy, sick, feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am sad and full and empty too. My pants are tight. I'm fat again. i can't seem to stop eating. it drives me crazy, but it will pass. dad and i did go home on the train on Friday. all of the commuters were loud and chatty. I guess they were happy it was Friday. Dad and I surprised Mom. I was standing on the doorstep when she opened it. That night, we watched Momma Mia. I enjoyed it. There was a part when Meryl Streep said her daughter was going to get her "on the line" (meaning online). Mom and I couldn't stop laughing.

On Saturday, the plan was to get my glasses that Riley chewed fixed. Dad took me. We got there at 1:20. They closed at 1:00. Tough bananas for me and my eyes. Dad is the greatest for taking me. Before going home, we went to Coin-Op Car Wash. For a Tonie, you get to wash your car in a garage for five minutes. Watching the clock was fun. We visited my grandparents and uncle. Grandpa was good.

Later, we went out for dinner to Cagneys. They gave us free dessert because we had to wait even though we had a reservation. The manager told us ahead of time. My brother's girlfriend confirmed the free dessert before they brought our bill. Everyone was embarrassed, but the free cheesecake was delicous. My brother should marry this chick.

Early yesterday morning I got weighed at a vet's office. I sat on the scale in the middle of floor. It was interesting....We visited my brother and his wife at their house. It's beautiful. They painted the baby's room aqua. Dad drove me home. I cried again....I feel too big but I can't stop eating. It doesn't make sense, but maybe it doesn't have to.


Friday, January 15, 2010

Kleen sleep...

Outside is uncharacteristically warm for this time of year. I love it. Who wouldn't? I couldn't sleep last night. At ten o clock, my tummy started bugging me. Desperate to feel better, I took Kleen Prep. All night, I was nervous that I would have an accident. Luckily I didn't, but my nervousness made sleeping rough. I called my attendant for washroom help at seven in the morning. She was understanding. I watched Dr. Oz on Star at one ' o' clock. He talked about Alzheimer's. A growing number of Baby Boomers are showing symptoms. It's scary....

My plan was go to the mall and a movie with a friend tonight. Given that Kleen Prep is unpredictable, I decided against going. A big accident would be exciting, but not in a good way. I don't often see this friend, so hopefully she understood. I just ate vegan pizza at the library. It was yummy. Dad is coming to visit. Maybe I'll go home with him on the Go Train. Today is a good Friday....


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Sweating, falling, moving, breathing, chewing

Last night I was so tired that I spent the evening sitting on my couch chair. I watched taped episodes of Oprah, Dr. Oz and Brothers and Sisters. I couldn't really tell you what the shows were about. My eyes were watching the screen, but my brain wasn't processing. Weird, isn't it? In bed, I watched a show on TVtropolis called Hoarders about people who can't part with any of their belongings. It was scary and intriguing. I couldn't stop watching the show. Somehow, deep down, people who save everything must feel like they will never have enough. I'm not a hoarder, but I can relate. We all strive to have enough in life.

I ran out of deodorant this morning. Lately I've been forgetting supplies. Deodorant is one thing I try never to be without. A girl has to smell good. I didn't feel like myself without deodorant. I bought two sticks and gum this afternoon. I am starting to breath easier - maybe just for today. Whether or not relief is temporary, I'll take it while it's here. I had a doctor's appointment with someone new today. She was friendly and soft spoken. I think it will be a positive connection. Outside is drizzly, but it's warm, so I'm not complaining. Anything is better than snow.

Tonight my dinner attendant wouldn't stop chatting. She's sweet, but I wanted to say, "Please be quiet". My listening ears are tired. She made some comment like, "I am trying to lose four pounds from Christmas too." I asked my attendant care manger to tell my attendants not to comment on my weight gain. Any mention of weight is bad news with me. I suppose this staff didn't understand. I can't stop sweating. The stomach flu is circulating through my building, so let's hope it stays clear of me. The picture hanging in my living room fell off the wall today. I heard a big thud, but didn't know what it was. That picture has been in the same place since I moved into my apartment five years ago. Everything and everyone needs to move, right? Sometimes, in cases like my attendant tonight, I wish some people would move faster than others.


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Taking my picture...

My passport photo has to be the ugliest picture ever. The customer service representative at Shoppers Drug Mart was very accommodating. She took three pictures of me. The winning shot has me making a hideous, pout face. The photo taker asked me if I wanted to try again, but trouble starts when we get too fussy. Ugly photo aside, beggars can't be choosers, right? The girl at Shoppers Drugmart warned me that my photo might not be accepted by the passport office because the back of my wheelchair is visible. Isn't that silly? What am I supposed to do? Sit on the floor? If my photo is turned away, I will cause a scene. Mark my words.

For a January Wednesday, it's a sunny, bright, warm day. I headed to the St. Lawrence Market. When I was home on the weekend, I noticed Mom and Dad were getting short on bread. I bought them pumpernickel, dark, and whole wheat rye. I stopped by St. Urbain bagel and bought them fifteen assorted bagels. I originally meant to order three dozens but the woman at the counter seemed to misunderstand what I was asking for. She gave me three individual bagels. Realizing the error, I ordered a dozen pumpernickel. Two of the ladies who work at the bread shops commented that they had not seen me in a while. Mom gave me a new bed set for Christmas. It's blue and goes perfectly with the colour of my bedroom walls...I will be sleeping in style tonight! I will be dreaming of faraway, sunny places. I don't have plans to go anywhere soon, but I have my passport just in case.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Life's alright...

For Christmas, I bought my parents a gift card to their favourite restaurant. It has yet to arrive in the mail. Where IS it? I feel awful....they still haven't received a Christmas gift. I feel like a bad daughter. Christmas was three weeks ago. I am going to call the restaurant today. I'm also going to Shoppers Drug Mart to get my passport photo taken. Having identification is always a smart plan. I want the picture taken at my bigger size. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's to keep people aware that I can be big or maybe it's more about accepting myself at this heftier weight. My pants are tight...I feel huge. I didn't want to get out of bed this this morning. I binged on apricots last night. I can't get this eating stuff right. My diet can be viewed as either feast or famine. Will I EVER learn? I am glad I got out of bed this morning. Life's alright. It's sunny and easy to travel. I am sad, but it comes in waves that pass.


Monday, January 11, 2010

a bonus day with Mom and Dad....

I spent an extra long weekend with my family. Lately, I've seen them often. We watched Disney's Beauty and The Beast on VHS. It came out in 1991. Wow, that's a long time ago. I still remembered all the song lyrics. We used to have a tape. Dad and I went to Tim Hortons in the afternoon. My brother and his girlfriend came for dinner. I spent the evening reading People. There was an article on Brittany Murphy. It didn't really say how she died. Whatever the cause, it's sad...I fell asleep quickly. Riley snacked on my eyeglasses. She's crazy....I cried leaving Mom again. I'm like a faucet these days. I feel fat as a house. I can't stop eating. I'm sad. This slump will pass. I need to let it be. For January, it's not too cold and that's a reason to be happy.


Saturday, January 09, 2010

A day with dad...

Yesterday I met my best friend at the mall close to my family. My cell phone wasn't working, so I thought I was late. Thankfully I was right on time. A kind girl was just about to help me use a pay phone when my friend showed up. We had coffee, talked and opened Christmas gifts. She gave me a big basket filled with treats that I gave to my family. We had dinner at the Pickle Barrel. I'm not a big fan, but I knew my friend really wanted to eat there. I ate cabbage soup, salad and frozen yogurt. My friend's mom joined us at the end and shared popcorn. My friend's mom reminds me of my own. All of sudden, I got homesick. I decided to go home and was fortunate to get my ride changed at the spur of the moment.

I slept late this morning. Today dad and I have hung out in the house. We watched the movie The Family Stone and Red, White and Blue. I love Dad. Mom worked today. She came home and helped me shower. We had beef stew for supper and watched a little of the movie All About Steve. From the little I saw, it looked silly. Mom is sleeping on the couch.

I'm still eating WAY too much. I've grown so big fast and I hate it, but every day is a new start. I'm home with the best parents in the world. My butt is much bigger, but they love me anyway.The fingertip picture has nothing to do with my post, but it made me smile.


Friday, January 08, 2010

Finding balance...

I didn't make it home in time last night. My bladder exploded outside my building. Too much coffee was the culprit, but I knew that risk when I chose to drink a second cup. As a Starbucks rewards member, the second coffee was free. Of course, I couldn't pass up a free coffee. The barista was super sweet and helped me find my Starbucks card. She advised me about the second coffee being free and told me to register my card for more perks.

On the way home, I stopped and asked a kind girl for help putting on my mittens. She didn't seem to mind. It was freezing. I tried to hit the button to open the front door of my building, but I was super tense from needing to pee. Before I knew it, I was very wet. There was steam coming off my wheelchair. Someone walking by said,"Is that girl on fire?" I had to laugh.

The attendant who cleaned me up was surprisingly understanding. we've had issues over the years and recently. I was a bit worried about how she would handle the extra work, but she was understanding. She's the same attendant who commented that I am gaining weight. Before she left, she apologized and said she didn't mean it negativity. Tears came in my eyes and I said, " I'm struggling to find balance in life." I think she got it. We all struggle for balance - only in different forms. My struggles are obvious and that's alright.


Thursday, January 07, 2010

hot and bursting...

Well, my wheelchair is all fixed up....for now anyway. The technician was very kind and easy to talk to. He said a big job was ahead and he was right. The repair took about an hour and a half from start to finish. The technician used a torch to bring down the front wheel that was off balance. He told me this is a common problem with chairs like mine.

I just went to Starbucks and had two coffees. I'm really hot and now I have to pee.

See ya!


Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Still moving...

Someone must be watching over me. I keep getting saved from trouble. My wheelchair wouldn't move yesterday. The second I got home from the drugstore, the library and the mall, I was stranded. Thankfully my attendant was around. After eating a bagel with cream cheese and two and a half donuts. I was feeling pretty crappy about all the food, but even worse when my wheelchair froze. Thankfully, a new technician showed up promptly. Fixing my wheelchair took a while, but he was kind, so I didn't mind chatting. There is a problem with the wheels turning and causing the power to disengage. I don't understand the issue, but as long as those who fix wheelchairs do, that's what matters.

I'm moving again. My wheelchair isn't working at full capacity, but it gets me where I need to go. Remember how I ran out of coffee and bought a new can on Sunday? The sweet guy at the grocery store picked up a can of decaf coffee. This girl needs her caffeine in the morning. After arranging to go to the wheelchair shop and get my wheelchair serviced, I went to Timothy's for a German chocolate coffee. I needed it. I stopped at the grocery store and a kind lady helped me pick up coffee with jolt. The girls at customer service were super sweet. The store is always busy. If my wheelchair was still broken, I wouldn't be able to go out and buy caffeinated coffee. That would be a minor disaster. Dad called. We talk every day now. I think he knows I need him.

I am trying to wrap my brain around being bigger. I ate like a horse to show mom and Dad that I eat. I'm mad at myself. Life is different now. It's only me. Tears come easy. TV is a big past-time. Books demand too much thought. Sleep is therapeutic. Music is too. Though it may be just me now, there's a whole world around me and I can move within it.


Tuesday, January 05, 2010


I got back to my apartment this afternoon. I miss Mom and Dad already. Going out the door, I cried. I've never done that....I guess it's everything that has happened. I watched The Bachelor: On The Wings Of Love last night. It's quite silly. There is only one girl who I thought was down-to-earth. Her name is Elisabeth. I'm not sure whether I'll keep tuning in. I watched The Bachelor because Mom was. Last night I tried to use a puffer for my cough with little success. I couldn't get the breathing right. I slept in this morning. Riley slept at my feet. It was comforting.

Over the last three weeks, I've gained a lot of weight. I hate it. I feel my legs brush together, see my chunkier face and I want to scream. Everything passes. When it comes to my weight, all I can do is wait.


Monday, January 04, 2010

The canoe...

Yesterday morning I ran out of coffee. That's a first. My attendants ALWAYS tell me when I'm out of coffee. I can't survive without it - especially in the morning. I made a quick, snowy trip to Starbucks. The coffee was cold by the time I returned to my building . I had another new experience yesterday when I went to church. I enjoyed it. I was a bit nervous at first, but I'm glad I went. The church is Pentecostal. I enjoyed the music. It's a young congregation. I didn't stay for the whole service, but the pastor talked about taking all of one's worries from the past, putting them in a canoe and dumping them in a river. I like that idea. My bladder exploded during communion. While the pastor was praying for a fresh new year for everyone, I was praying for my bladder to hold out. God can't stop nature. I think I'll go back. It's comforting.

Once home, a sweet attendant cleaned me up. I went to the grocery store and bought coffee, a pound of onions and peppers. My sister and her husband had been waiting for me for an hour to drive me to our parents. I lost track of time. I don't where my mind is these days. My sister and her husband were worried, but not angry. I admire their forgiveness. The drive home in the snowstorm was rough. My aunt and uncle and cousin came to visit. Our families have been strained for years. Fortunately the visit went well.

I stayed with my family and binged on pita chips. I need to find an eating balance. I will. It's going to take time - and a few trips of dumping my previous binges in a canoe.


Sunday, January 03, 2010

Let it Be...

When I find myself in times of trouble,
mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom,
let it be.
And in my hour of darkness

she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom,
let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,

there will be an answer,
let it be.

For though they may be parted
there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow,
let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music,
mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom,
let it be. Let it be, let it be, .....

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Chilly 2010...

Well, it's the second day of 2010. It's a nippy one. The wind is rough. I enjoyed being at home with my family. I ate....and ate....and ate. Dad showed me this tune on YouTube called It Aint Me by Joan Baez. He said she looks a bit like me. I guess she does a little. The tune is anti-marriage and mirrors how I feel. It's from 1965, so I guess some feelings are timeless. We had sushi. My sister and her husband drove me home. Being night-time, my cough came out in full force. My brother-in-law kept asking if I was ok. He's sweet. My sister came into my apartment and got me all set up.

Getting into bed, an attendant made a comment about how I gained weight really quickily. It's true, but it still bothered me. I've been eating my sadness. Afterwards, I hate myself, but for now, I'm just trying to survive. While I was getting my teeth brushed, my sister called. She was checking on me and told me to go to the doctor about my cough. It will go will my desire to stuff myself. While I'm waiting, I think I'm going to hang out with my family.


Friday, January 01, 2010

Human needs...

If you can help it, never be alone to ring in a new year. I learned this last night. At five o'clock, I got all set up to watch TV in my couch chair. It's my new favourite nightly ritual. You need to know that, once I'm out of my wheelchair, I can't move. I had my coffee, books, remotes, DVDs and VHS tapes all within reach. I watched the news. Hours passed and my attendant came to help me use the washroom. I asked for my favourite oatmeal cranberry cookies from the freezer. So focused on the cookies, I forget to ensure I was set up. I was left with no phone or controller and someone wouldn't be returning for another two hours. If I needed help, I'd be in trouble. Luckily, I still had my opener. Hitting the opener, I screamed for help for half an hour. My voice is already in bad shape from my cold. Two young guys came to my rescue. They wished me a happy new year. They left and I started to cry. I was alone, sad, scared and hungry. I called Mom and Dad who were urging me to come home. Mom asked right away if I was coming home. Moms always know. A minute or two later, the Observer called. He knows too. I was crying and he said I shouldn't be alone. Dad picked me up. At home, I drank lemon tea and ate cookies and crackers. I try to be strong, independent and hungry. I try to pretend I'll be OK. Sometimes I need people, food, and love. If you're me and sitting in a couch chair, a remote and a phone is also a smart idea.