Sunday, February 28, 2010

Tell the truth...

Dad fibbed. Grandpa asked Dad how old Riley is when we were visiting, He said that Riley is one. Riley is three. I HATE when Dad lies to Grandpa. It's disrespectful. EVERYONE, at any age, deserves the truth. It's not how old Riley is that matters. It's the fact that Grandpa cared enough to ask. Grandpa can still form a question. That's good. While Grandpa can still wonder about life, he deserves to have his questions answered. We ALL deserve the truth, even if we are too old to know the difference. Dad didn't mean any harm. Why lie though? It's just as easy and painless to be honest. I will NEVER lie to any elderly citizen, even if he or she is incoherent. Age brings wisdom. Part of such wisdom is that lying is not the smartest practice.


Saturday, February 27, 2010

Dad sweet Dad...

I have to eat vegan pizza from Pizzaiolo at least once a week. Last night I got my fix. I order my pizza from outside because the store has steps. A sweet pizza employee gave me my pizza for free. She said it was the least she could do considering I couldn't go inside. I thanked her and meant it. The pizza was yummy and I even got a container of hot sauce. I stopped by Sobbeys and bought Pearl Mangosteen Crystal Light. It mixes up as a funky green colour and doesn't have much flavour. At home, I saw my attendant and had the last of my cranberry oatmeal cookies my brother made me before Christmas. They are my all-time favourite cookie. After my dessert, Dad called and saved my night again. He came to pick me up and took me home. It was one of those nights where I needed to see my parents. They seem to just know when I want to come home. I'm lucky. I ditched coffee plans with my friend again. I do feel bad for cancelling, but putting my family first is important. We watched a bit of the hockey game. Being so tired, I fell asleep quickly.

When I opened my eyes again, it was still dark. My TV remote was right beside me, but I couldn't see it. Isn't it funny how we often miss what is right in front of us? I'm guessing it was about four 'o'clock. I never went back to sleep. Mom likes to have her oatmeal and read the paper, so part of me felt like I was taking away the little time she makes for herself. I spent the morning reading and eating more of my favourite cranberry oatmeal cookies baked fresh by Mom. I honestly ate about a dozen. At least the cookies were made with love. I feel the love and my girth expanding.

I read more of Why Weight. It's more like a workbook, but it does hit home. Sometimes home is exactly where I feel I need to be.

Dad drove to Brantford to pick up a crib for his new grandchild. I can remember when the Observer's parents picked up a crib for the Observer's niece before she was born. The Observer stayed home, but I talked to him while his parents were out. Mom and I were worried about him driving in the snow. He made it home safely. I'm staying another night. Once I'm home, I feel happy and my belly is always full of love-infused food.


Friday, February 26, 2010

Oh Yeah Canada!

On my way home yesterday, a guy standing outside Zippers told me that the Canadian Women's Hockey Team won last night. I smiled and said "Go Canada!" I accidentally dropped my TV remote and ran over a man's foot in the elevator. Not one of my proudest moments, but it's over. I couldn't sleep last night. I got turned over twice. Most of my night was spent watching the music channel. There is a song called Oh Yeah by Jaicko that I love. It's such a catchy, happy tune. I cranked up the volume as soon as Oh Yeah came on.

Today I learned that sometimes waiting pays off. My plan was to head out early this morning and get a coffee. (I'm obsessed with my Buy One, Get One Free Coffee Card from Second Cup!) One look outside told me that it may not be smart. The snow was coming down hard and navigating the streets looked challenging. Instead of venturing out into the drifting, white flurries, I sat at my kitchen table and read a good chunk of the book The Secret. The book can be summed up by saying: Think Positively! When it comes to wealth, I learned that it is important to give to others regardless of how little we have. When we give to others, we are saying, I have plenty. There is no need to be fugal or to deprive ourselves. Believing we will never lose out promotes a sense of peace and security....

Later I trudged through the snow and got a Belgian Chocolate Coffee from Second Cup. It was yummy. Some things are worth waiting for....Oh yeah!


(The New) Oh Canada

(Oh Canada we stand on guard, for thee)
I told this god where I was from
He said oh, Canada
Kinda laughs it off, real funny huh?
Yeah, uh, come on

(O Canada)
1-2, 1-2,
Mic check, 1-2, 1-2
(O Canada)

Uh, yea
From the land of the lost
Trans-Canada crossed
Patriotic and a honour
With a hand on my heart

From the greatest of lakes
To the greenest of greens
To the rockiest mountains
And everything in between

O-o-o Canada
Oh you’re no fan of us?
Cause our movie and TV shows are so amateur?
Yeah, we laugh at off, that don’t really bother me
Look, we ain't serious unless you really gotta be

Humourous attitude like Kids in the Hall
Like Jim Carrey, Mike Myers,
Yeah we claiming them all

It's the great white north
Home of the funniest actors
The front of the joke
With an abundance of laughter

The red and white flag
Keep it high keep it visual
People see Canada and get stereotypical
Think we finish every sentence with buddy or bye
And if it ain't that it's either do, eh or guy
(Canadaka, eh?)
Yeah we consider it people
And smoking marijuana
We consider it legal

Still doing rap like the 1990’s
But that's how we like it
Off-timed and grimy!

I know where I'm from and I told ya before
North of America hard to ignore
Every time I go away I tell them for sure
I'm from Canada O-o-o Canada

(O Canada)
O Canada O-o-o Canada
(O canada)
I'm from Canada
O-o-o Canada

The class makes a sick beat, we call it a classic
The class makes a sick beat, we call it a classic
The class makes a sick beat, we call it a classic
The class makes a sick beat, we call it a classic

I've been around the globe and
Heard the confusion
Honestly a lot o'yall are ignorant and stupid

Yes, we have microwaves, TV's and cell phones
Unintelligent fuck, we invented the telephone!
We made Yahtzee
The light bulb, hockey
And bred the greatest players, Gretzky to Crosby
We all got at least one drinking buddy
And after one drink, all of us think we’re funny

Our national mascot’s a damn beaver
O Canada we love our beaver
Home O'Hell’s Angels the North-CMP
Home of Gordon Lightfoot and nasty TV

The underground rail road
Georges St. Pierre
Right here is where he calls home

Our health care system
Y'all know its free
Keep a girl banging with a full mouth of teeth
I wont even get into the music on the streets
They say hip hop is dead
Naw its up north with me
I could do this all day its a part of my routine
But supper’s almost done and tonight, poutine!

I know where I'm from and I told ya before
North of America hard to ignore
Every time I go away I tell them for sure
I'm from Canada o-o-o Canada
(I'm from the east coast of Canada)
O-o-o Canada
(I'm from the east east east coast)
Yo yo!
See I'm from Canada so sometimes the words come out of my mouth like this
Get used to it!

(O Canada, we stand on guard for thee)

By Classified

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Starting fresh...

Every day is a new start. I need to remember this. I survived last night. I went to Shoppers Drug Mart and picked up some Earl Grey tea. The Observer called. I read a new book called Why Weight by Geneen Roth. The Secret just wasn't for me. I think it's going to hit home. I've only read the introduction. So far I can relate to it, which is a good sign. All of Geneen's other books were amazing, so I have high hopes for Why Weight.

A big snowstorm is expected to hit tomorrow. Flurries already began this afternoon. I had an appointment at two ' o clock and the snow made the air chilly. Only wearing my vest was not smart, but I did take the bus. The driver who drove me there was super sweet. He remembered me, which made me happy. The driver coming home was super sweet too. He didn't put his signal on and another driver came and yelled at him. Witnessing the whole fight made me nervous. For a second I thought they were going to take a swing at each other. Luckily, both guys played it safe. By the time I got home at four o' clock, I was badly in need of a coffee. Grumpy, I called Mom. She wanted to know if I wanted to come home. I love how they always ask. I'm lucky. I used my Second Cup card and bought a butter pecan flavoured coffee, which was yummy. There's nothing like butter pecan coffee - and a new day.


Wednesday, February 24, 2010


I bought a Caramelo coffee from Second Cup today. I saw a double chin in the mirror. It's not in my head. It's real...I told myself that I'm OK...I'm not though. I am way too big...I miss my Weight Watchers toast for breakfast, a red pepper for lunch and a big bowl of oatmeal for dinner. I miss loose pants and having a bony bottom. I miss enjoying my omega 3 fish oil capsule. I miss being hungry. I miss my lightness. I miss my big seat belt.

I miss loving vegetables. I ate a pack of seaweed and an apple for lunch. I stopped and got a waffle for dessert. They put icing sugar on it, even though I said not to. I didn't say anything. I don't know why I ate the waffle. Now I just feel fatter. At the moment, I'm sad and anxious. I'm too big. Every day I vow to get back on track. I''ll be OK...won't I?

- ocg

A full tummy and a healing chat....

My Buy One, Get One Free card from Second Cup is sure coming in handy. Late yesterday afternoon, I NEEDED a coffee badly. The Second Cup I usually try at that time of day was closed. I guess they close at five o'clock. My caffeine craving was in full swing. The closest Second Cup to my apartment has steps, but I noticed an employee removing a sign. I asked her if she could bring my coffee outside. She seemed more than happy to oblige. People are kind. I tried to carry my coffee home, but I knew I would spill it. Sometimes pushing my luck with coffee causes a big, hot mess. Irish Cream with soy milk is quite soothing. I got to see one of my favourite attendants last night. She just returned from a trip to the Philippines. She is very friendly and helpful. I am was worried that she would have trouble transferring me since I am so much heavier. Fortunately, everything was OK. Catching up with her was sweet.

My phone rang just before eleven o'clock. It was the friend I had planned to meet for coffee last week. We made plans to have coffee this coming Saturday. I'm looking forward to it. Reconnecting with her has been good. She is mature and kind. My friend moved out on her own not long ago. It's like a whole new world opened up for her. She comes from a European family who were skeptical of her leaving home. I'm proud of anyone who begins building his or her own life, especially when family doubts their success. My friend is loving life and freedom, which is hugely inspiring. Her story of breaking out reminds me of the Observer. We never really know what we're capable of until we push the envelope a little. I talked to my friend until just before my bedtime at midnight. There's nothing like a good girl talk.

In my mailbox last night, there was a box of Kashi Almond Flax cereal. After a dinner of mushrooms, jalapeno peppers and chai chocolate tea, I wasn't really hungry, but tried the cereal anyway. It tasted crunchy and fibrous. Feeling guilty about the cereal and my ever-tightening pants, I'm trying to let my weight troubles go. I went to bed with a full tummy, but I did have a smile on my face - thanks to the therapeutic chat I shared with my friend.


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I'm watching...

The snow came after lunch yesterday. It's still here. I came into the library dripping in snow. A lady saw me and said, "You're very snowy." The way she said her comment was so innocent and sweet that I had to laugh. She's a kind person. I could tell. A helpful library staff employee wiped my glasses for me. He is thoughtful. People are sweet most of the time.

Last night I watched a Dr. Oz show where he ambushed buffet goers by posing as an undercover observer. He broke his disguise and evaluated people's choices. The majority of eaters made unhealthy choices and admitted that they chose burgers, fries and sweets because they were free. They could have chosen salmon and vegetables. One woman asked her friend to get her more cake and they were spotlighted on the show. I had to laugh. Given the opportunity, I probably would have asked for more cake too. When it comes to sweets, I have no shame or restraint. There was also an intervention on a lady who gained one hundred pounds in a year. Dr. Oz talked about the complications of gaining too much weight too quickly. Hearing about these dangers made me nervous. In the last six weeks, I've gained about twenty five pounds. How can that be good for my cholesterol? Soon I'm going to have it checked. It's best to face facts rather than ignore them, isn't it?

Did I mention that I can now tape ANY channel on my DVD and VHS recorder? For a long time, I could only tape up to channel 16. Recently however, I taught myself how to "tune" my VCR so that it will tape any channel. Not too shabby, is it? After Dr. Oz, I watched two taped episodes of The Golden Girls. In the first episode, Rose found a new love interest. She said that her new relationship made her "happier than when they invented 'heart shaped salami'." Rose is hilariously sweet. The secondary plot involved Sophia hiring a retired, Italian contractor to remodel their garage. The old man turned out to be a butt pincher. Rose is as naive as Blanch is bold. Dorothy is as focused as Sophia is spunky. It takes each kind of character to build a top notch show. In the second episode, befriended a man who had Alzheimer's. It was sad but real.

This morning I went to the St. Lawrence Market. I've been looking for bitter melon for Mom. Bitter melon is an Asian vegetable that is supposed to be good for regulating blood sugar. After calling the health food stores The Big Carrot and Noah's, I discovered both stores only carry bitter melon in capsule form. I know Mom is looking for the raw vegetable, so I held out. At the St. Lawrence market, I found a store that sells raw bitter melon. It's only in stock on Fridays. Fridays are my regular market day, so the timing works. I bought bread from Stonemill bakery and mushrooms and grapes for myself. I ate the grapes at the market for lunch. They were a big bunch. I ate an over sized portion, which made me guilty. Grapes are better than eating a big cookie, aren't they? If Dr. Oz ambushed me, I should have been OK. After yesterday's episode, I realized that we never know who is watching us. This reality can be positive or negative. Thanks to my new tuned VHS/DVD player, I can watch a lot more entertainment now.


Monday, February 22, 2010

Looking like a piece of poo...

Wherever I go, I seem to run into Mr. J. - my grade eleven law teacher and his wife. On Saturday while having coffee at Timothy's, I saw Mr. J. walking back from the Eaton's Center with his wife. We chatted and they said they had been on a hunt for Olympic mittens. I saw both Mr. J and his wife eying mine. Since I'm not a real Olympic enthusiast, I wish I had given them my mittens. They probably noticed that all of the other coffee drinkers surrounding me were middle aged men. That's the norm on Church Street. People are helpful and kind, which is what counts. Later, my attendant thought I cancelled my booking, but I had a bus to catch. A newer attendant and another came just in time. I couldn't help thinking, "Come on people! Move it!"

Luckily, I made it to my bus and Dad came to pick me up from the hotel. Not realizing that I was in my manual wheelchair, he came with the van seats out all set to load up my electric wheelchair. It was too late to change anything, but I still felt bad. We had chicken and vegetables for supper. I read People, which highlighted Celine Dion's fertility struggles. While infertility must be rough, the lady does have other options. Before going to bed, I ate crackers and watched the medal ceremony for Jon Montgomery who won gold in men's skeleton. It was the first medal ceremony I watched. Of all the medalists, Jon Montgomery had the most heart. He jumped for joy. It was fun to watch. At first I thought the whole thing seemed a little strange. After seeing how emotional the athletes became, I quickly understood the significance. It's not every day that someone gets honoured for being the best athlete in the world at any sport. I was too tired to see the end of Survivor: Heroes versus Villains, but I think a girl named Amanda got voted off.

I spent Sunday eating my favourite cookies in the world. They are breakfast cookies made of oats, cranberries and almonds. My brother makes them. Mom baked them yesterday along with a chocolate chip version. I must have had a dozen or more. Of course my pants are tight. Honestly though, sometimes weight gain is worth it. Long, tunic tops hide bulge well. My friend gave me a knitted, brown, tunic dress. I wore it to my friend's party once in early December. It's different. I brought it home to wear. Looking at myself in the mirror, I realized that I looked like a big, brown blob (or a piece of poo, to be truthful!) My parents would never say anything mean about my clothing choice. When I said, "I'm not sure if it's the look for me," they agreed. In the afternoon, I watched Nights In Rodanthe staring Richard Gere and Diane Lane. It was quite a light flick, but I watched it with Dad.

When the other ladies in my family arrived to celebrate my sister's birthday, I tried to give them the brown top. Hearing me refer to the tunic as a "piece of poo" probably turned them off. My brother's girlfriend almost took the top home. Hopefully my sister enjoyed her dinner. Mom made salmon, steak, Brussel sprouts, a Mexican lasagna and a white chocolate cranberry cheesecake. Everything was yummy. I skipped the steak. My sister got the Magic Bullet blender, a Terra nurseries gift card, a plant holder, an R & W gift card and an Itunes card. We watched the first period of the Canada versus United States hockey game. Well, I watched most of it and until I went into the family room and chatted with my sister. By the time I left my family, I was exhausted. On the bus back to my building, I saw Holly, a sweet fifty-something-year-old who goes to karaoke regularly. We chatted a bit. My attendant Doreen met me at the door and pushed me right up to my apartment. She asked if I wanted to go right to bed. I said yes. I watched a show on shoplifting until my eyes closed. Fun, gluttony and family sure tuckered me out, but I am not complaining. My wider girth is bothering me, but I am promising myself that I am still going to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's the healthy thing to do. So too is choosing not to dress like a piece of poo.


Sunday, February 21, 2010


You can go, you can start all over again
You could try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide, hold all your feelings inside
You could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
And try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

Now we wait and try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you could change your mind
You can run, oh, and when everything is over and done
You could shine a little light on everything around you
Man, it's good to be someone

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

And I don't wanna wait, I just wanna know
I just wanna hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight, tell it to me slow

'Cause maybe someday we'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

'Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again

'Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again

(Rob Thomas)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Sleepy pizza day...

Last night I met my friend Melissa for coffee. I know Melissa from camp. She was in my cabin. She moved here six months ago from Thunder Bay. We've really only known each other as acquaintances. I would definitely call her a happy person. She's almost finished her Masters. I would say that she's quite ambitious. We had to cut our coffee time short, because nature called on my end. Darn tummy. Thankfully Melissa understood. Over my delicious butter pecan coffee, I learned that Melissa is "seeing" an old friend of the Observer's. (Let's call him "Nigel"). Nigel has seen a few of my friends. His heart is in the right place, but he's a paranoid dude. The Observer and Nigel are on shaky ground after a misunderstanding involving a faulty computer. I'm not sure what my friends see in Nigel or how he makes the rounds as he does. Nigel IS kind, but he's a bit like an old man trapped in a young person's body. Maybe we can all be that way a little....I didn't say much to my friend about Nigel. She'll learn soon enough. Besides maybe Melissa likes paranoid types.

The fire alarm went off four times in my building last night. Poor building management. The fire station kept coming. I'm sure they were getting as annoyed as the rest of the building. All the noise made sleeping nearly impossible. All of my attendants have been commenting on how tired I look. I may take the bus home at five thirty today so I can get to bed early. Part of me feels like a baby for going home when the going gets rough. I'm just so tired and want my Mom. I ate yummy, greasy vegan pizza for lunch. I place my order from outside because the store has steps. I asked a paramedic going inside to tell the employees that I wanted to place an order from outside. I waited a long time before going to a different store of the same chain. Hopefully they didn't think I was rude. A girl's got to honour her vegan pizza craving, right? In the same way, sometimes a girl just needs a good sleep in the bed she grew up sleeping in...


Friday, February 19, 2010

Happy Birthday Sister!

Will I ever learn? I had a butter pecan coffee late in the day and I think it kept me awake. Of course, I didn't sleep well last night. I'm feeling a bit off. I'm taking full advantage of my "Buy One, Get Free" card from Second Cup. The deal expires in March. Nothing beats Timothy's coffee.

While sipping Earl Grey tea from my Tim Horton's travel mug last night, the lid popped off. I spilled scalding hot tea all over my pajama bottoms, but I was OK. The newest episode of Grey's Anatomy didn't tape. I'm a bit disappointed, but my interest in the show has declined, so it's alright. I watched Celine Dion and the Three Tenors on an Oprah episode from last week. Celine Dion is an amazing performer, even though it looks like she married her grandfather.

This morning I went to the market and bought bagels and bread for my parents. The lady at the bread counter didn't speak English well. The bagel employees were their usual friendly selves. I almost bought an eggplant Parmesan sandwich but decided to have broccoli with BBQ sauce at home instead. I just ate three granola bars, so the broccoli didn't hit the spot. Will I ever get my eating balanced?

Today is my sister's 32nd birthday! Happy Birthday! As sister's go, I lucked out. Thank you God. My sister taught me to be simple, kind, reserved and forgiving. She introduced me to the market too. Here's to you, sister. I love you.


Thursday, February 18, 2010

Red mittens, single-hood, bread binge and goals...

I've told two people in two days that the Observer and I are no longer together. The first was a Transhelp Customer Service Representative. She asked if we did anything special for the Observer's birthday. When I told her that we parted ways, she kept apologizing for being "intrusive". I told her not to worry. The second person was a girl in my building named Rachel. Speaking of filling people in on my single status, the bus driver who took me to the Sunlife Building last week wanted to know if I "had a romantic date with my boyfriend". When I explained why I didn't, the driver wanted to know why we broke up. I said what I always say: "The Observer is the perfect guy - just not the perfect guy for me." Though sharing such personal information with a bus driver felt a bit odd, it's the truth.

HawthoRNe turned out to be a good show. It's a lot like Grey's Anatomy. Jada Pinkett Smith isn't a bad actress. Last night I met my friend at the Old Spaghetti Factory. We had a fun time catching up over pasta, bread, soup and ice cream. Our meeting time was 7:00, but I got there early, so I got to hold a buzzer that lit up when our table was ready. While waiting in the bar, I met a little boy who told me that his Mom had the same red and white Olympic mittens that I did. There must have been a school on field trip because a bunch of teenagers left the restaurant all at once. A teenager saw my Olympic mittens and commented that, "I believe". Her remark made me smile. Teenagers tell it like is. My mittens have sure become an ice breaker.

While waiting for my friend, I am ashamed to admit that I ate an entire loaf of sourdough bread. Next time I will wait for my company to arrive before starting to eat. It's easier for my head to handle and more polite. After having some health issues, my friend is feeling better, which makes me happy. I tried Spumoni ice cream. I liked it. These days I like ALL food. My big dinner got my stomach rolling, so I had to rush home. Luckily, I made it and both attendants I saw were helpful. The phone rang just as I was getting ready for bed. It was my friend calling to make sure that I got home safely. Her gesture was sweet. We must be getting more mature to be checking up on each other. Part of maturation is knowing that anything can happen to anyone at any one time.

While in my doctor's waiting room today, I read part of The Secret. It says there are no accidents. Believing that it's possible to be in the wrong place at the wrong time is negative thinking. Hmmm....I have to read up on that. In the room beside me, a patient was in session with her therapist. She had a loud voice. I couldn't help but hear her say, "My husband will love you if you can bring back my feeling 'down' there' ." I had to smile. I'm upset about the bread binge, but all I can do is move on. An attendant commented that I "feel heavier". There is no doubt in my mind I have gained weight. In the spirit of positive thinking, my mantra is, "I am OK and can eat whenever I want."

On that end, I bought more Blueberry Pomegranate gum today. My goal is to eat one piece tonight instead of the whole package. Another goal is to go to the mall and buy a present for my sister. It's her thirty second birthday tomorrow. We're celebrating on Sunday. My third goal is to go to the St. Lawrence Market and buy bread for my family. Writing my goals down makes me more likely to achieve them. There must be some part of The Secret that explains written accountability.


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I'm not Anne...

Cinnamon Pastry flavoured coffee from Timothy's is delicious. I stopped and got one yesterday. Timothy's makes the best coffee. Last night I watched Drop Dead Diva on Showcase. It's about a lawyer who comes back to life as an overweight, compassionate woman. Drop Dead Diva reminds me of a comedic, lighter version of Judging Amy. The fact that I've seen the show a few times tells me I must think it's alright. When a show is not to my liking, I only tune in once.Tonight I might try watching Hawthorne on Showcase staring Jada Pinkett Smith. It depends whether I'm home from dinner with friends by ten 'o clock.

Richard Simmons was on Dr. Oz the other day. That guy cracks me up and freaks me out all at the same time. Dr. Oz had a studio audience of a hundred people who lost a hundred pounds. Richard Simmons was there for inspiration or a good laugh. He always wears a sparkly shirt and gets very emotional. It's funny to watch. He HAS to be gay - not that it matters. Richard Simmons gives other gay guys a soft, melty reputation to break. His heart is good and he has helped many people get healthy.

I had a different person get me up and do my housekeeping today. She's one of my favourites, so I didn't mind the change. We had a good talk. Unfortunately, she cut her hand while sorting through my recycling. It turns out that the lid of an old coffee can is a safety hazard . I felt bad because I only had band-aids and no disinfectant cream. Her finger kept bleeding. She was OK later when she helped me put on my coat. I went to Shoppers Drug Mart and bought Blueberry Pomegranate gum. Blueberry Pomegranate is a new flavour. When I tried it last year, the gum kept dissolving in my mouth They must have improved the stickiness of Blueberry Pomegranate, because it's all in one piece. I've chewed the whole pack in an hour. I've got issues. The Shopper's Drug Mart cashier patiently helped me into my PIN to get cash back. She had to do it a few times, so it's good that she was patient. There is a tenant in my building who always calls me Anne. Anne does live in my building, but she has blond, short hair and can't talk. She is VERY skinny and always has paint on her clothes. The woman in the elevator must have called me Anne five times in three minutes. I didn't correct her. Being called Anne is better than being called "The gum chewing addict". The true can hurt.

I'm wearing Old Navy jeans that are nine years old. They seem to always fit. I guess that's why I'm attached to them. My favourite attendant, Trudy from my first apartment patched a whole in them for me. I feel so big, but my jeans still fit. They're tight, but oh well...


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A family filled Family Day...

Family Day was family filled. I spent the day with my parents. On Valentine's night, Mom wanted take-out from a Thai restaurant, but Dad and I didn't feel like it. Mom heated up chicken stir fry. I felt sad and sorry that Mom didn't get what she wanted, but the stir fry was good. My brother and his girlfriend dropped flowers off and came by to say hello. We watched the Luge, which looked very dangerous. I was exhausted and slept like a baby. In a way, I felt as though I intruded on Mom and Dad's anniversary. Next Valentine's Day, I will do my own thing.

Yesterday I ate....and ate....and ate and hung out with Mom and Dad. Mom informed me that the event I watched on Saturday was called moguls. I'm not very knowledgeable when it comes to Olympic sports. Mom is. She calls my brother-in-law every time we win a medal. Our gold medalist, freestyle skier, Alex Bilodeau has a brother with Cerebral Palsy. The camera kept highlighting Alex Bilodeau''s brother cheering him on. I have to say that it did get me choked up.

Mom goes to this natropath to treat her hot flashes. Unsure if she should be taking hormone cream, she consulted a pharmacist. Given that Mom was talking to the pharmacist in the next room, I eavesdropped on their conversation. It turns out that the pharmacist goes to the same doctor, so the guy must kind of know what he's doing. I joke that Mom takes "Suzanne Sommers cream". It's well publicized that Suzanne Sommers is quite fanatical about hormone therapy. Since Mom started taking hormones, she does feel much better. Mom is smart and quality of life is important. I trust her judgement. Hot flashes don't look like much fun.

After a yummy dinner of lasagna and salad with pecans and cranberries, Dad drove me home. I was tired and put my pajamas on before leaving home. Saying goodbye to Dad was sad, but I'll see him soon. Family lights up my life. I watched a Dr. Oz show about people who have lost a hundred pounds or more. Richard Simmons was a guest. While he's done great things and inspired thousand of people, his flamboyancy freaks me out....I'm certain he's gay. Speaking of flamboyant people, I really enjoy Adam Lambert's music. It's catchy and upbeat. His song For Your Entertainment is entertaining.


Monday, February 15, 2010

Ninety pound Liz...

On my way back from unsuccessfully finding the Sunlife Building on Saturday, I heard someone call my name. When someone calls my name, I always get a little nervous. What if it's someone I really would rather not see? Of all the people I know, who could it be? On the other hand, what if it's a long-lost lover, neighbour, or friend? Needless to say, I stopped. There, on a busy, down-town crosswalk right close to the mall, was Liz. Liz was in my grade ten drama and social science class at my first high school. She and I were never particularly close, but I know that she is a good person. She asked me "What I was doing here." When I say, "I live around here," people looked surprised. What's so shocking about living down-town? We made small talk. Liz took Early Childhood Education at Ryerson and is supply teaching. Before we got too personal, I told her I was in a rush. It was the truth. I had a booking and a bus to catch.

I'm glad Liz called out my name. Catching up with high school acquaintances is fun. The thing I distinctively remember about Liz is her always pointing out how she weighed ninety pounds. At least every other class Liz would mention her weight. My sarcastic friend Ryan uttered, "You're small enough for me to put you in a locker, for a few minutes so we can all stop listening to go on about your weight." Though mean, I had to smile. I could have justified almost not stopping by saying, "You're so small. I almost missed you!" (I wouldn't, of course!)


Sunday, February 14, 2010

Heart day....

My good friend invited me to a Rebounder's dinner at the Sunlife building last night. Rebounders is a support group for those who have had cancerous brain tumours as children. It's geared to people who are surviving and thriving. I've heard lots about the group over the years from my friend. They have many dinners and social events, but it was the first one I attended. Knowing that each person there survived challenges, I knew it would be an interesting night. The Sunlife building isn't far from my apartment, but I took the bus as I wasn't exactly sure how to get there. Earlier in the day I went exploring and found the Sunlife building, but thought I best go home for personal care. Plus, it was cold. A friendly guy knew that I was with Rebounders and took me up to the twenty-seventh floor. I entered into the group having a meeting but found my friend's Mom and my friend James instantly. Both greeted me with a warm hug. My friend and I chatted over fruit and cookies and admired the beautiful view. Everyone was sweet and laughed when I was introduced as my friend's date. I particularly enjoyed meeting the founders of Rebounders, two survivors who are married and have young children. They were warm, wise and welcoming. At dinner, my friend got me a plateful of chicken, potatoes, vegetables, salad and two slices of french bread. For dessert, we had yummy oatmeal cookies and white cream cake. I had too slices of cake and my share of cookies. I chatted with James' Mom. She told me how she wished James had a job and a girlfriend. I reassured her that one day he would. James' mom is sweet but very overprotective.

After dinner, I chatted with the Rebounders and made a Valentine's Day card for my friend's mom. As a joke, I included the phrase, "You Sexy Thing" and "Drop It Like It's Hot." She laughed. It was snowing, by night's end, so I was relieved to find my bus waiting for me. I ate too much dessert but was still glad I went. Food isn't as important as being with a friend.

Little did I know that my evening adventure at just began. Remember how I bought jalapeno peppers? After getting home and accidentally knocking down the garbage, I got pepper seeds on my fingers and naively touched my eyes. NEVER do that. My eyes burned like an inferno and I couldn't open them for an hour. The stress made my tummy turn and I needed to use the bathroom. I couldn't see the numbers on the phone to call for help. There was a smelly mess waiting for my attendant. I was wearing tight pants and my attendant pointed out how big I am. She cleaned me up, so I guess I have to brush her off. It's true. I am much bigger. On the upside, my fiery eyes stopped me from seeing the mess, but my nose sensed trouble. My eyes cleared after being washed out in the shower. I was glad to see again.

Tired and anxious about all the food, I fell asleep quickly. Waking up to a key being jammed in my door, I knew it was my attendant trying to get in to turn me. I knew the key she needed was on my table. She called to check on me and woke the superintendent up right before seven o clock. While waiting, I watched the Olympics. We won silver in women's skiing. I think it was skiing anyway. I also watched the first of this year's Survivor: Heroes v.s. Villains. Sugar got voted off for being too sensitive and for flirting with Coby.

My attendant this morning greeted me by saying, "Happy Valentine's Day". She can be private, so I appreciated her kindness after such a tough night. I'm wearing my red pants. Today is my parents' 33rd anniversary. They are picking me up soon. I'll spend Family Day with them. I feel fat and wish I could eat just vegetables at home, but I want to be OK and see Mom and Dad. Today is not about restricting food - it's about love.



Saturday, February 13, 2010

How She Move...

Last night I went to a women's movie night. Before arriving, my head pounded from lack of caffeine. I ordered a Tim Hortons coffee with a shot of gingerbread that hit the spot. A sweet man with a Scottish accent opened the door for me. When I arrived, my nose was runny, but so were other noses. We watched a film called How She Move. It was filmed locally and focused on a youth struggling to be successful in an at risk neighbourhood. How She Move won at the Sundance Film Festival. I thought it was OK.I went to the ladies' room, so I missed some of the movie, but I wasn't really too upset. The attendant who helped me was sweet. I think I did a poor job of directing her on how to transfer me. She didn't complain.

The highlight of the night for me was the conversation over dinner and after the film. When a bunch of women are in a room, there is bound to be lots of talking. I sat beside Jillian, an acquaintance from school. She's chatty. There is a bright girl who always attends movie nights named Laura. Though she can't talk, Laura communicates well. It's obvious that Laura is very bright. I wish I had more time to talk to her. Since the night was geared for women with disabilities, the focus turned to how our movement differs from the majority of women. We agreed that everyone needs to move, even a little. Each of us may move differently, but it's a human need to crave motion.

Once home, I got a vanilla ribos tea from Starbucks. It's the first time I've gone into Starbucks and had tea. Surprisingly, I loved it. There was lots of talking in Starbucks. Friday nights are always busy. Sitting right next to the door, I kept catching a draft. A little coldness didn't spoil my tea. Today I feel too big. I ate pita and hummus with salad last night. Tonight I have another big meal. I'm looking forward to seeing my friend, even if it will involve dinner. I'm struggling to accept gaining weight. Every day I feel so fat. Will someone ever tell me if I get too big? Personally, I feel as though I reached that point long ago. Why can't I stop obsessing over food? Last night I said movement represents living. Though I feel too big, I'm keeping busy, which is good. Being busy has nothing to do with my size. Actually, very few matters of significance in life relate to size. Maybe size ought not matter to me so much....


Friday, February 12, 2010

Hot, hot, hot!

My trip home last night was chilly. The fact that I didn't have mittens probably had something to do with my chillness. I stopped and bought some vegan pizza. The lady at the pizzeria gave me a complimentary bottle of water. While watching for her to come outside, I got pretty cold. A kind man who looked about my dad's age helped me take it out of my bag. He asked where I got my pizza and commented on how good it looked. The pizza was greasy and yummy. I did feel a bit guilty about eating it, but we all deserve a treat, right?

Like the previous evening, I was hit with the urge to pee when I got home. The same attendant came to my rescue. It was like day-ja-vu. She is so sweet. I watched Pink perform I Don't Believe You again. I saw The Rock talk about the Superbowl. He's attractive. I couldn't sleep much. I watched sitcoms including a funny Seinfeld episode about body odor in a car.

This morning I set myself on fire. (Well, my mouth anyway.) I popped a big, red jalapeno pepper in my mouth. Can you say silly? It took a minute for the heat to hit, but when it did, whoa! I couldn't believe the heat. My eyes, nose and mouth all responded with moisture. It took me a minute to get water. I felt like I couldn't breath. The water only helped a little. Wiping my moth and giving myself time to cool off seemed to be the only remedy. Jalapeno peppers are good, but I think they can only be eaten in tiny bits. The seeds are hot. Yes, I like it hot, but not that hot.

The opening ceremonies for the Vancouver 2010 Olympics are tonight. To be in the spirit, I'm wearing my red and white Olympic mittens. I have a hunch that I'll see lots of people wearing similar attire in the next little while. My red mittens don't really match my orange coat, but patriotism and supporting athletes trumps fashion in my books. I'm headed out shortly, so I'll miss the live show, but it will be on again.

OK, this girl needs coffee!


Thursday, February 11, 2010

I can't stop chomping...

Grandma is away in L.A. Grandpa has his helper staying with him. He wasn't feeling well yesterday. Mom said he was quiet when she visited. I haven't heard an update from Mom today. Hopefully Grandpa is better. Poor Mom. When Grandma goes away, all responsibility for Grandpa falls on her shoulders....

Last night I bought a coffee from Second Cup. It was yummy. A friendly girl beside me helped me put Splenda in my coffee. I went to Dollarama and bought gum. Then I headed to the grocery store where I picked up oatmeal, a pack of bell peppers and jalapeno peppers. My last stop was the drugstore where I picked up my medication. At home I watched Pink perform I Don't Believe You on Oprah. She's funny and real during interviews. A sweet attendant saved me when the urge to pee hit. She's very understanding. In bed I tried to watch Dr. Oz but kept falling asleep. Like the night before, I got to see half of Three's Company. Oh well, sleep is important.

As for today, I haven't much to say really. I can't stop chewing gum. Ahhh! I'm chomping down hard. It's watermelon kiwi flavour. I'm enjoying it. The sunshine is out. I watched TV this morning, ate All-Bran cereal, did my food log, watched Oprah and Dr. Oz, ate a pepper, did my business, went to my appointment, bought a coffee, watched TV, checked my mail and now I'm at the library. My day wasn't too exciting. I need to stop chomping....tomorrow. I wonder what I can do to help Mom out?

- 0CG

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I'm mobile again....

It's amazing how our lives can dramatically improve from one day to the next. Yesterday I drank a big cup of coffee with my toast. The cup must have been too big because the result was a very, big, wet mess. My wheelchair froze and I spent the rest of the day stuck sitting in my manual wheelchair unable to move. I watched a lot of TV, but did not enjoy it. There's a difference between choosing a past-time because we want to or because our options are limited. I was stuck with the latter. Reading doesn't appeal to me right now. The book The Secret has been sitting on my table untouched for weeks. I'll get to it.

I flipped on my VHS tape and tuned into Dr. Oz and Oprah talking about diabetes. Mom has pre-diabetes, so it scared me. I watched the news a few times. A cabinet minister Adam Giambroni is making headlines for having an affair with a university student. The scandal is front page news which I find sad. Giambroni is in his thirties and seems a bit naive. Could our province be trying to find a Canadian Tiger Woods? The only new headline that made me smile was when a puppy went on a bus and found its way home thanks to a kind driver. The puppy was fluffy and sweet.Being so bored, the hours seemed to crawl by. I had coffee, talked to Mom and Dad and the Observer, ate broccoli, met a new attendant and went to bed early. In bed, I watched The Little Couple. They are so down-to-earth and loving. Life is one, big shared adventure. My eyes closed before I could see the end of Three's Company.

This morning I woke up feeling better. My wheelchair worked! I suppose it needed to dry out. I went to a meeting and caught up with some fun people. By four o'clock, my head pounded for coffee. I bought one with a Chips A Hoy cookie pack for a toonie. The proceeds went to the March Of Dimes, so I felt good about my contribution. My face, thighs, butt and arms feel bigger, but life and I are moving....


Monday, February 08, 2010

Back from home...

I just returned from an extended stay with my family. As always, it was wonderful and relaxing to see them. On the downside, I ate WAY too much. Finding a balance with eating is still a struggle. Mom and I watched a cute, feel-good movie on Saturday night called Love Happens. We both liked it.

Yesterday morning I woke up with an upset stomach. I made it to the toilet, but needed a bowl when I got back to bed. I didn't realize I did, so my sheets got a good wash. Dad was very sweet and understanding. He's the greatest. I'm fortunate I was home when the wave of sickness hit. Being alone in my apartment would have scared me. I was lucky that I felt better quickly. Later we went to Tim Hortons. I had coffee with a shot of gingerbread.

Mom was home when we got back. She made a yummy polenta dinner and fell asleep on the couch. We tried to watch the Superbowl, but it was boring. At least I was with Mom. Sometimes watching her sleep is better than any show on TV.


Saturday, February 06, 2010

Memories on the train....

I made a spur of the moment decision to take the Go Train home with Dad yesterday. Part of me needed family love. I got a yummy Irish Cream coffee and we sat and chatted for an hour while we waited for the Go Train. I enjoyed people watching with Dad. The whole world seems to go through Union Station. Dad sat beside a lady we recognized. She was middle aged and African. She remembered us. We got talking and she told us about having Polio as a child. Dad talked about his best friend Winston from P.E.I. Ironically, Winston just died of a stroke. He had Polio. The woman talked about her teenage children and how her daughter often says she is mean. The woman gets hurt.

"Not too long ago, I would say horrible things to my Mom too. I felt torn between being a child and an adult. It's a rough age, but if you can just hang in there for the next five or so years, it will get better." I said. Hopefully the woman believed me. She talked about how she lives with her aging parents. The woman's daughter likes to watch TV and the dinner hour. The grandfather has a family rule that they must all sit down to dinner each night. Trying to keep the peace, the woman tries to delay cooking dinner so her daughter can finish watching her show. The sandwich generation must struggle to bridge gaps between tradition and modernity.

A little boy I see each trip on the Go Train walked over to me and gave me a candy. He was so sweet. Everyone who rides the train knows that little boy.As an adult, he will remember riding the train with his Mom. I am an adult and I will always remember riding the train with my Dad.


Friday, February 05, 2010

I'm grateful for...

* The man I saw on Oprah who views picking up garbage as an adventure

* The buy on, get one free card I got in the mall for Second Cup

* The Hazelnut Cream coffee I drank that cured my headache

* Seeing my old teacher in Shoppers Drug Mart

* My Dad

* Riley

* Health insurance

* The kind man in my building who has had a stroke and still struggled to ask if I needed help

* My attendant who put me to bed early

* The guy in Second Cup who helped me with my straw

* A good sleep


Thursday, February 04, 2010

I'm sad...

My wheeling ordeal home will be cold. I'm wearing only my vest, which probably isn't wise. Actually, there's no probably about it. I WILL be cold. It's my own fault. Today I miss home. This morning I was helped by a different attendant. This particular attendant can be chatty and naive. Her innocence can be both intriguing and annoying. Her intentions are good though, which is what counts. I couldn't sleep well last night. I watched a show called Hoarders until it got too disturbing. People live with creatures under their garbage. Isn't that sad? I suppose Hoarders need intensive help to manage their struggles - just like most who have anxiety disorders. The first step to clearing away all the junk must be so scary. I applaud anyone who has the strength to overcome such a problem.

Speaking of overcoming problems, this afternoon I had a productive appointment. Talking about my behaviours isn't easy. It's embarrassing and I often fight back tears. My voice gets all broken and shaky and my eyes mist over. It's rough, but I know it's for my own good. I have so many regrets and habits I want to change. I've hurt so many people in the process of trying to hurt myself. When I think of how I isolate myself, it makes me sad. When I think of how afraid I am of getting fat, it makes me sad. When I think of all the fights I have had over food, it makes me sad. Recently, I'm sad over ending my relationship with the Observer. I'm sad that I pushed him away. I'm sad that when I think of breaking up with the Observer, the first thing I think of is how much weight I gained afterwards. I'm sad that I haven't made something of my life. I want to find meaningful work, but need to try. I believe I would make a successful employee. I'm sad that I was so consumed with weight loss that I hated every second of university life. I'm sad that I hate being touched. I'm sad that getting fat consumes me. I'm sad over all the fights I've had over food. I'm sad that deprivation comes so easily to me. I'm sad that nothing seems to fill me up.....I'm sad to admit how sad I really am....


Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Good hump day..

Today has been a fun and busy hump day. I went to the grocery store and bought broccoli, red peppers, apples, Comet, gum and plastic bags. The cashier at Metro was sweet. I've had some bad experiences there, so when I meet a kind cashier, I appreciate it. I couldn't find my bank card and she was super patient. In the dollar store, an employee and customer fought. The employee was annoyed and the lady wanted to pick a fight. Not a winning combination, is it? The last I heard before leaving the store was the woman asking to speak with the manager. Maybe both people were having a bad day.

Later, I went to the hospital to run a few errands. My physiotherapist works there and did me a huge favour. Since we always see each other at my apartment, it was different to see him in his working environment. He had funky red shoes on. Finding the floor where my physiotheraphist works was an adventure. I saw lots of people being wheeled around on stretched. I think I saw a person zipped in a body bag. Hopefully whoever was in there had an enjoyable last day..... My physiotherapist waited with me for my taxi. He told me that he is moving in with his girlfriend. I'm very happy for him. He's never lived with anyone before, so I'm sure this is the right move. Seeing my psysiotherahist so happy is refreshing. He's such a good soul....

I went to Timothys and ordered a delicious toasted coconut coffee. Realizing I needed tokens, I stopped off at the grocery store for the second time after my taxi dropped me off. Luckily, it was a different cashier and (lucky again!), she was friendly. About to head home, I bumped into Trudy who is my favourite attendant from my first apartment. We chatted for a bit. Of all people to bump into, I'm glad I saw her. Trudy is a comforting person. Her voice alone calms me.

I'm feeling more relaxed and happy during these last few days. It's a relief. I have been in a state of sadness, shock and anxiety for the last six weeks. I know there will still be rough patches ahead, but for now, life is sweet. I'm enjoying this light while it's here....


Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Tuesday kindness...

Last night I met the kindest lady at the library. She saw me struggling to put on my mittens and offered to help me. When I told her what a great job she did, she laughed and said, "You can tell I'm a mother, can't you?" I smiled. She REALLY wanted to put up my hood for me, but I can't see well if it falls in front of my face. I watched the rest of the Grammys on tape. I enjoyed the superstar performance of We Are The World. Clips from the Micheal Jackson movie This Is It filled the audotorium. I wasn't crazy about that movie, but the tribute was touching. Jay-Z is cute. Before going to bed, I cranked up my Sugarland album. When there was a knock at my door, I was sure it was a neighbour telling me to turn down my music, but it was my attendant.

There is a dusting of snow on the ground. Today I went to a boring meeting. Two sentences must have come from my mouth during the whole two-hour ordeal. I got paid, so it's OK. Sweating and disinterested, all I could think about was that I wanted a coffee. I got one from Tim Hortons with a shot of gingerbread syrup. It was yummy. I'm glad I went to the meeting just for the coffee. I saw lots of cute little people. A little boy had a temper tantrum. His caregiver had to call his mom on her cell phone before he would calm down. My taxi driver who picked me up from the meeting was super sweet. He came inside to hold the door open. Little things matter. My attendant this morning was amazing. She always is. I'm heavier to lift and I feel bad. Everyone has been so sweet - even a woman who drives me crazy told me my bus had arrived. I think they know that I've been struggling. I'm bracing myself for someone to say, "My gosh you've gotten fat". When it happens, I'll smile and say, "How are you?" Everyone knows how they're doing. I know I am finding my balance. There is a dusting of snow on the ground.


Monday, February 01, 2010


Yesterday's dinner was fun. I almost missed my bus but a sweet driver waited. I got lucky. The Toronto bus driver overestimated how long it would take to get to the transfer point. Better to overestimate than underestimate, right? My sister and her husband were the first guests there. Surprising, as they are usually the late ones. Mom made a turkey dinner. She heated up soup for me. I ate turkey, Brussel sprouts, and cranberry sauce too. Mom and Dad's microwave broke. My sister-in-law is growing. It's exciting. We watched Elton John and Lady Gaga open the Grammys. We saw Beyonce too. Right before leaving, I saw Pink perform Glitter In The Air on a trapeze. I missed her last performance at the concert with the Observer. Maybe that's the song Pink closed the show with.....

Today has been low key. For a Monday, I can't complain....