Thursday, February 04, 2010

I'm sad...

My wheeling ordeal home will be cold. I'm wearing only my vest, which probably isn't wise. Actually, there's no probably about it. I WILL be cold. It's my own fault. Today I miss home. This morning I was helped by a different attendant. This particular attendant can be chatty and naive. Her innocence can be both intriguing and annoying. Her intentions are good though, which is what counts. I couldn't sleep well last night. I watched a show called Hoarders until it got too disturbing. People live with creatures under their garbage. Isn't that sad? I suppose Hoarders need intensive help to manage their struggles - just like most who have anxiety disorders. The first step to clearing away all the junk must be so scary. I applaud anyone who has the strength to overcome such a problem.

Speaking of overcoming problems, this afternoon I had a productive appointment. Talking about my behaviours isn't easy. It's embarrassing and I often fight back tears. My voice gets all broken and shaky and my eyes mist over. It's rough, but I know it's for my own good. I have so many regrets and habits I want to change. I've hurt so many people in the process of trying to hurt myself. When I think of how I isolate myself, it makes me sad. When I think of how afraid I am of getting fat, it makes me sad. When I think of all the fights I have had over food, it makes me sad. Recently, I'm sad over ending my relationship with the Observer. I'm sad that I pushed him away. I'm sad that when I think of breaking up with the Observer, the first thing I think of is how much weight I gained afterwards. I'm sad that I haven't made something of my life. I want to find meaningful work, but need to try. I believe I would make a successful employee. I'm sad that I was so consumed with weight loss that I hated every second of university life. I'm sad that I hate being touched. I'm sad that getting fat consumes me. I'm sad over all the fights I've had over food. I'm sad that deprivation comes so easily to me. I'm sad that nothing seems to fill me up.....I'm sad to admit how sad I really am....

- OCG

1 comment:

THE OBSERVER said...

I'M SORRY YOUR DA BEST