Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The right time for coffee...

"The right thing at the wrong time is not the right thing."

- Unknown

I heard the above quote at the women's group I went to last night. It was a sweet night with lots of conversation, questioning and bonding. Trudy and her daughter were three. I didn't say much, even though I wanted to. Before going, I stopped and bought a coffee from Second Cup and Weight Watchers bread from Metro. The Metro in that area is easier to navigate. I spilled coffee on my lap but it still tasted good. It must have been the right time for a coffee, but I would argue that anytime is the right time for coffee.


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Three day rewind...

I have just spent the last four days at home. On Saturday night, I watched Every body's Fine with Mom. I've seen it, but it's good. That night, I couldn't sleep. I watched some of Food Inc. It was disturbing. There was a song by Dragonette that come on Much More Music. I cranked it up. Mom came down and told me to turn it down. Seeing her angry in the wee hours of the night was a bit scary.

We went to my sister-in-law's 30th birthday brunch. She took mom's raspberry french toast out of the oven. The dish exploded everywhere right in front of her eyes. Luckily, she wasn't hurt, but it started the brunch with a bang. Dad says he swears he saw a tiny hand reach out from sister-in-law's belly and shield her eyes from the glass. I sat with my sister. I usually do....I enjoyed seeing my brother and sister-in-law's friends.

I came home to rain and decided to stay overnight. It's becoming a habit to stay at my parents' for longer than planned. My new goal is to do what I say I'm going to do. We watched Brothers starring Tobey McGuire, Jake Jelenhale and Natalie Portman. It was disturbing and sweet at the same time. We also watched Amazing Race. I slept well.

I got up early on Monday as Mom's personal trainer came. I heard him tell Mom that she has improved. My brother stopped by with his dog Nash. Mom made my favourite oatmeal cookies. As always, I ate too many. She picked up Shawmas for lunch. They are similar to chicken sandwiches on a pita. Mine was very spicy. We watched TLC and Mom fell asleep. Part of me felt like I prevented her from running errands, but maybe it's good that she got sleep.

Mom went to Aquafit later. Dad and I took Riley for a walk. I went to No Frills and bought purple tulips for Mom. We watched Dancing With The Stars. Being tired, I went to bed before the show was over. I liked Nicole from Pussycat Dolls.

It's a beautiful Tuesday. Mom gave me a top notch shower. My jeans are tight. I knew they would be....stay calm.....stay calm....I will make it. I finished the book Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. The book was good, but not all that different from her other novels. I'm about to start Still Alice, a memoir about a woman living with Alzheimer's. Mom lent the novel to me. I called Grandma. Grandpa was having a bad day. He didn't want to take his pills or put his shirt on. By the end of our talk, he put his shirt on.

"See, things are turning around," I told her.

I need to keep repeating this to myself.

Both of my taxi drivers were sweet. One said I should keep a little vase attached to my wheelchair and ask my friends to fill it with flowers.

Some people know how to make my day.

"I like the way you think", I told him.

Fittingly, the same taxi driver was singing:

Country roads, take me home, to the place I belong....He did exactly that.


Sunday, March 28, 2010

I'm grateful for...

* Sunday mornings at home

* My sister-in-law turning 30

* Becoming an aunt soon

* the spare glassess I wear to watch TV from bed

* Feeling wanted and missed by my family

* Having two homes I love

* my sister for being my role model always

* My parents (every day)


Saturday, March 27, 2010

Sister sweetness...

I had to have a bagel from the market yesterday. I had a craving right after breakfast. When a craving hits that early, it's best to honour it. Otherwise, whatever I am wanting with be in my dreams at night. Before the market, I stopped by Rabba and picked up some green grapes. I ate the whole bag right outside. I went to the market and still had my bagel. Not to feel to greedy, I picked up some bagel chips for my parents. I was very full. Last night I was exhausted and felt strange. You know when you just don't feel like yourself? I went to get a Timothys toasted coconut coffee and spilt it all over my pants. Since it was cold, my nose was also running. I must have been quite the pretty picture. At dinnertime, my attendant sweetly helped me get into my pajamas and get ready for bed. Once in bed, I rested for a bit, but still felt off. My legs felt shaky. Realizing that there would over twelve hours until morning, I got up and had some crackers. I think I was hungry.....

I got up and chatted on the phone to my friend. She invited me to the Pickle Barrel, but it was too late to book a ride. Mom called late....when the phone rings after 11, I can't help but worry. Again, I didn't sleep well. Sleep will come. I asked my night attendant to plunge my toilet using the super's plunger. She unclogged my toilet. The particular attendant is grumpy, but I did appreciate her help.

My attendant this morning was Betty. She's sweet, but loves to complain about little things. She complained about the smell of my hazelnut coffee. Oh well, I enjoyed it. Sorry Betty....I headed back to the market and bought shish kabobs for my parents and some blueberry strudel. I bought a flaxseed bagel. Halfway through eating it, I heard my name. My sister and her husband were shopping. I was happy to see them. My sister helped me get a ceramic bowl for Mom. I've been wanting to get it for weeks. My sister rocks.

I'm headed home shortly for my sister-in-law's 30th birthday brunch tomorrow. I'm glad I couldn't get a ride to the Pickle Barrel. I would have missed seeing my sister.

It's earth Hour at 830 tonight. Don't forget to turn off the lights!


Friday, March 26, 2010

Atwood at the library...

"If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next -- if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions -- you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. You'd be a stone. You'd never eat or drink or laugh or get out of bed in the morning. You'd never dare to."

Margaret Atwood

I went to see Margaret Atwood speak last night. I enjoyed her talk. She's funny, creative and wise. Atwood was interviewed for about an hour and a half by Ian Brown, a well-known journalist. The last half hour was an open question period. The last question came from a girl who went on and on about how Atwood was her idle. The girl took FOREVER getting to her question and got all choked up....Atwood said she always wanted to be an opera singer but she can't carry a tune to save her life.

"Anyone who tells you that you can accomplish anything you set your mind to and your dreams are all possible is lying," Atwood admitted.

I had to laugh. If we don't always write the truth, at least we can tell it sometimes.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Sweet brown stuff in the toilet...

It's chilly out. The temperature dropped quickly. Last night I won a free donut in Roll Up The Rim. I asked the Tim Hortons lady to roll up my rim. When she saw it was a winning coffee, she got excited. We couldn't stop laughing. I said if it was the car, the coffee server could have half. She didn't seem too thrilled when I offered her half a donut. I hope they let me exchange the donut for a cookie. I'm not a real donut lover.

I couldn't sleep last night. I watched a new show on TLC called Addicted following people in their recovery. It was disturbing.

Today I wheeled to my usual Thursday appointment. The ride was a bit chilly, but not too bad. Spring is coming. I had a noisette coffee from Timothys. It was yummy....The evening seems to be getting colder by the minute.

My toilet is clogged. The bathroom smells funny. I need the super to fix the light and the toilet. Last Friday I flushed a big chocolate bar down the toilet so I wouldn't eat it. Odd, right? I'm struggling.... A big brown blob down the toilet isn't all that unusual. All I want is a fixed toilet. The reason it's clogged isn't important. We all need a working thrown. Somewhere down the line the chocolate would have ended up in the toilet - whether it went through my internal pipes first or the plumbing pipes. I like to think the chocolate bar just took a shortcut.


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Home and present....

There's nothing like my own space. On the flip side, there's nothing like seeing my family. I planned on staying with my parents for one night, but ended up staying for three. I took the bus home in my pajamas on Saturday night. Luckily, I didn't run into too many people. We watched Up In The Air. I loved it. George Clooney's character is a self-absorbed, travelling business-man who makes a living firing people across the country. He learns late in life that events are most meaningful when shared with those we care about. Up In The Air is not the most exciting, but it's meaningful. Late that evenig, my brother and his girlfriend asked my parents to Cora's for breakfast on Sunday. I thought they would announce their engagement but I guess they just wanted a yummy breakfast. Everyone was wishing they had ordered my blueberry pancakes. They looked better than they tasted. Going out was fun. I came home, read Women, Food And God by Geneen Roth. I ate about a dozen of Mom's Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies. I was exhausted and went to bed right after Amazing Race.

Monday morning was rainy and yucky. I woke up early and read and made phone calls while Mom worked out. We ate pasta for lunch. She gave me a top notch shower and we headed to Tera Nurseries. She bought a beautiful blue hydrangea and a pretty pink plant for me. A sweet nursery stuff wrapped up our purchases and brought them to us in the rain. We had tuna melts for supper and watched the premier of Dancing With The Stars.

Yesterday we had more rain. I called off my plans to attend a women's group orientation and visited my grandparents instead. Grandpa was in good spirits. His caregiver was there, which always seems to keep him stable. Grandma made my favourite almond cranberry cookies. I ate way too many. I was glad we visited grandma.

I came home and read. Oprah was a show on car accidents caused by texting while driving. I cried. Dad drove me home. I was happy to have my space. I did enjoy my family though. In Women Food and God, the quote, "Hell is wishing you were somewhere else," is used. When I'm home, I'm there in mind and body.

Today I saw my psysiotherapist for a quick visit. Telling him about my book, I mentioned how it talks about women serving men first.

"What's wrong with that?," he asked. Nothing - if you're a man and not that hungry.


Saturday, March 20, 2010

What's that song called?

My plan for yesterday afternoon was to meet my friend Franci at the mall at around 2:30. Being March break, the mall was packed. Kids, teenagers and their parents were everywhere. Finding an elevator in that mall is challenging at the best of times. Try adding more bodies, especially loud ones. I was late getting to the mall. My attendant was talkative. I didn't mind. My friend who had to wait might have......I saw her waiting, but the elevator kept going up and down. Understandably fed up, I saw my friend take off in the other direction. I don't blame her, but finding her proved tricky. Just about to give up after searing for an hour, I finally found my friend. Luckily she wasn't angry. Needing to get away from the crowd, I found a nearby Timothys coffee. My friend had a rice Krispy square and I had a hazelnut mocha coffee. Our visit was short. I'm glad we found each other...

I came home and ate a salad with almonds and drank a big glass of grape Kool-aide. I have lots of books to read but wasn't in the mood. I checked my mail and got a thank you card from my sister for being in her wedding. Her wedding was in July. Better late than never, right? My cordless phone rang in my lobby. I didn't even know the phone was on my lap. That's good reception. It was my best friend. Catching up was sweet. Her life is busy......

I barely slept last night. I went to the St. Lawerence Market for mustard and strudel for Mom and Dad. I bought a bagel for myself. I dropped it, so a kind lady got me another. Some man gave me a packed lunch. I saw a sandwich and juice box. I threw it out. It's the thought that counts. That said, I don't want to be poisoned.

I'm going home tonight. I kept saying I won't go home on weekends, but I usually do....Soon I'll be more independant. I am sounding a bit like the song Waving Flag....Is that what the new hit tune is called?

Friday, March 19, 2010

movies and ticker stuff...

It's a sunny spring day downtown. Oh yay! I dig this weather. I'm wearing my stripped sweater. Some would say my sweater resembles Bert and Ernie attire. I would have to agree, but I still like colour....I feel good wearing my sweater. Isn't that what matters?

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. My pick-up time was too early, so I changed it to an hour later. When I got in the lobby, there was a no-show slip on the door. Rats! Calling the company, I got my ride reinstated. Sweet! Being such a great day outside, I could have wheeled home. I found a Timothy's Coffee before my bus was due and ordered a noisette. It was yummy...Maybe I'll wheel next week.

The Observer and I had a talk last night. Poor dude. He hurts. We were planning to see a movie. After realizing that we're both still struggling, I don't think a movie would be wise. The last thing I want to do is mess with the Observer's head. He's too special. I would love to see him, but not if it hurts him. I miss the Observer....but love is bittersweet. Movies are always going to exist. The time to heal is now.

Happy Friday!


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Free Sunshine...

Nothing in life is free. Well, maybe a smile. I love smiling. I smile even when I'm sad....Remember that coupon for a free coffee I mentioned yesterday? It turns out it was free with the purchase of any food item. I took advantage of the deal and bought a lemon biscotti. It was OK - not the best.

Last night I went to a Tobias House consumer meeting. I was sorry I did. A lady there couldn't stop talking about how staff forget to give her a spoon with her yogurt. She complained for a good ten minutes. I really hope never to become so fuzzy...The other site managers were friendly. Exhausted after coming home, I watched the Golden Girls on tape.

Mom bought me a classy new leather purse. Unfortunately the purse is hard to open and can't hold all my belongings. My bank cards fell out onto the road, I took it as a sign that I needed to change my purse. I switched my belongings over to a colourful looking purse my sister gave me a while back. It's hard to miss and more practical.

The sunshine is beautiful today. It's free.....


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Happy green day!

I met my best friend at Union Station yesterday. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shinning and I was perfectly comfortable wearing my GAP sweatshirt. I wheeled behind my friend for a bit. She didn't know I was there. We got free strawberry and nutella filled cookies. They don't look good. Not all free stuff is a gift. I had a Starbucks coffee before meeting my friend. I couldn't help myself. I bought her a pumpkin scone, so I wasn't totally greedy. We went to the underground mall at Union Station. It's funky. We went browsing in a place called Trudy's Flowers. My friend bought sesame bagels. We ate in a funky food court. I had a vegetarian sub. My friend had chicken Marsala from an Indian restaurant. It looked....colourful. Seeing my friend was sweet. The lady at mmmmuffins at Union Station gave me a free almond flavoured coffee. I will go back and see her. Both coffees I drank that afternoon caused me to feel explosive. My dinner booking attendant didn't show up for her shift. I didn't explode. The Observer called. We made plans to go to a movie on Saturday. My new friend called to pass on a hello from my favourite taxi driver. hopefully I'll see my friend again soon.

i barely slept last night. All that coffee kept me awake. I watched a new show on TLC about a family with quintuplets. They seemed sweet. I watched Much More Music and cranked up the tune All To Myself and What Do You Want From Me?

Today is a spring day. I love it. I'm tired and can't stop chewing gum. My attendant gave me a coupon for a free Timothy's coffee. It's my favourite. Life is good on this St. Patrick's Day.


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Golden laughs....

I've had two good sleeps in a row. The world always looks brighter after a good rest. I was tired last night. It's beautiful outside today. The sun is shinning and it's not too cold. I'm wearing my big, orange GAP sweatshirt. An old man I see at the library commented that it had "1969" written on it. My grandpa used to love reading sweatshirts too. He used to squint his eyes, lean over the table and spell "G-A-P." Mom says he had a good day yesterday.

I watched the Golden Girls on tape. I wish some of the new shows intrigued me. There was a part where Blanche, Dorothy and Rose had to stretch in aerobics. They had to spread their legs. Dorothy and Rose were groaning, but Blanche said the exercise "didn't hurt her one bit." Dorothy said, "Why am I not surprised?" I cracked up. Classic comedy is golden.


Monday, March 15, 2010

A rough start....

This morning my attendant commented on how much weight I gained....three times. She said, "Wow, you've sure gotten chubby. In my country, we call that "fed". What does your mom say?"

Shocked, I nodded. She asked if she offended me. I shook my head. If I tried to speak, I would cry. The remark set my day off.......I have gained weight. My attendant wasn't trying to be mean. She doesn't know better. After a good cry and talking to my best friend, I felt better. Seconds later, I picked up a ringing phone and heard a voice resembling my older brother's. "Hi Shane!" I said. It was my attendant care manger. Embarrassed, I couldn't stop laughing.

My attendant changed my kitchen clock...they're not all bad.

I got my haircut before lunch. It's uneven. I am trying to stop thinking, "now, I'm fat with ugly hair." Instead, I am reminding myself that "hair grows back and I will find my balance with eating."

Everything passes....One day I will look back on today and remember how I struggled and overcome.


Sunday, March 14, 2010

Grandpa's eyes....

We are now less one hour of daylight. Spring forward has began. At 11 tonight, I went to the drugstore to buy new batteries for my DVD player controller. I had to change the clock or my shows would all tape at the wrong time. Bringing the converter with me, the drugstore staff kindly changed the batteries for me. I came home and changed my clock radio.

Earlier in the day, Mom and Dad took Shane and I to visit Grandpa. Grandma was a bit grumpy at first, but warmed up gradually. Grandpa was sleeping in his favourite chair. Mom woke him up for his lunch. He didn't want his soup, but his eyes lit up when he saw cookies. Grandpa kept asking for one. We kept repeating, "Not until you finish your soup". He said to Mom, "You finish the soup and I'll have the cookies." Mom fed him his soup. It was bittersweet to watch. Grandpa kept eying the cookies.

I told Grandpa my name and that I was his grandpa. Ten minutes later, he looked at me beaming and said hello. I wanted to give him a big kiss. Grandpa still has his spirit. He has declined since I saw him two weeks ago. No one is sure whether he has had a heart attack. There is a funny, gray tone to his skin. Looking in his eyes, I still see Grandpa. He has the same kind eyes and heart I love - and sweet tooth too.


Saturday, March 13, 2010

Singing in the rain...

My plan to surprise Mom on her birthday didn't really work out. By afternoon, the rain was still coming down hard. The Observer met me at the hotel. We chatted at Tim Hortons. It's always good to see him. I felt tired and grumpy. Calling dad, I told him I was planning on coming home. They might have gone out for dinner and I knew it was too wet to wait outside. My brother and his girlfriend brought Thai food. They are so sweet. Mom hurt her hand and it looks puffy and sore. Poor Mom. She enjoyed her dinner. I bought her a card and black licorice, which she ate for dessert. Hopefully Mom had a good birthday.

I stayed overnight. It probably wasn't smart. With Mom's sore hand, it was hard for her to shower me. She made her usual cookies. I couldn't stop eating them. We went to my sister's house. She made a bean and sweet potato casserole. It looked....interesting, but tasted good. My brothers didn't like dinner. Mom did. We had Mom's favourite angel food cake with bananas and cupcakes from Swirls bakery for dessert.

My sister-in-law let me feel the baby kick. I'm not sure if what I felt was kicking. The movement could have been my sister-in-law breathing. My sister-in-law hates when anyone touches her tummy, so I was honoured that she let me do so. Dad drove over the sidewalk. We had a good laugh. If we can't sing in the rain, laughing is the next best thing, right?


Friday, March 12, 2010

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my Mom's birthday. She is fifty five. I called her early this morning. She sounded well....she always does. Mom hurt her hand a few days ago. At the hospital checking on Grandpa, she ran to catch my Dad before he left the parking lot and fell. Mom had her hand x-rayed and it seems ok. She is able to use it with more ease which is a relief. I miss Mom today.

Yesterday I bought a coffee at Tim Hortons. While reaching for my Roll Up The Rim winning coffee from Dad, my hand got bent and stuck. The guy behind the coffee counter asked a sweet customer to help me. She unbent my hand and there was only a tiny scrap. Phew! I could tell she was very worried about hurting me. Luckily I was fine - only embarassed about making such a scene. The coffee with a shot of gingerbread was still yummy. Thanks Dad for the free Roll Up The Rim.

Mom and I are both having hand issues. Hers is more serious. I am so thankful for Mom. Happy Birthday! I love you Mom!


Thursday, March 11, 2010

Coffee heart-race...

I was exhausted yesterday. On the way home from the library, I ate an oatmeal Starbucks cookie. A cookie amounts to all the caries I used to eat ALL day. My friend came over. She brought me a pretty yellow plant. We ate turkey chili. She didn't like dinner. I could tell. We went to Timothys. I had a flavoured coffee and we spilt a yummy slice of mousse cake. I wasn't hungry, but it was fun to share and chat. My friend is sweet and wise. I was really tired and slept well....when I'm tired, I eat more.

Today I went a doctor's appointment, bought coffee, ate oatmeal and came to the library. The computer's were down, so I went to a book reading from No Place Strange and Dragon's Den. I enjoyed the sex scenes from the novels. They made my heart race - or maybe it was from the Tim Horton's coffee I was drinking. Coffee and sex can both be exciting.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Unlocking The Secret...

Last night I went to a women's group at Trudy's church. I really enjoyed the evening. I was the first to arrive aside from the group leader. I was relieved to see Trudy. Sadly, she was frazzled. Her aging mother isn't well and she saw a patient on house that had similar symptoms to her mother. Boy, stress can reek havoc on our minds. Poor Trudy...We read a book The Secret Things Of God: Unlocking The Treasures Reserved For You by Henry Cloud. It had the same premise as the original Secret but with a religious, not universal, slant. I agreed with Henry Cloud's ideas. I do NOT buy that our lives are decided by the universe . It's just too earthy. The women at the group were all friendly and articulate. I read from Henry Cloud's book and The Bible. I was nervous, but I think I did OK. Trudy was worried about me driving home so late. I made it just in time for my booking.

Calling my parents, I learned that Grandpa may have had a heart attack. Thankfully he seems better today. My brother's girlfriend hit her head on a library projector this morning and had to have stitches. It seems there's always some action. The phrase Do The Right Thing, At The Right Time, For The Right Reasons keeps coming to mind. I feel like another coffee, but I don't want to pee my pants. It's not the right time....


Tuesday, March 09, 2010

A risk...

I woke up to a sunny, Monday morning. Mom's trainer came and I read Canadian Living. My brother came by with his dog. Since they were in the backyard, he couldn't see me. I wanted to shout, "Hey, look up! I'm here." Mom made my addiction - cranberry oatmeal cookies. I ate a peanut butter sandwich for lunch and a hunk of cheesecake. Then the cookie madness began....Mom took me to get a new cell phone. It's blue and cute. She wants one. She took me to pick up my new glasses too. They feel good. We ate the St. Lawerence Market shishkaboobs. The lemon chicken ones were yummy but the Caribbean beef was different. Dad polished off the strudel. I've never seen him eat anything with so much vigor.

All the cookies moved my system as soon as I got home. I called the Observer. I joked that he had a girlfriend. He got offended. I was sorry. I'm just afraid he won't want to hear what's in my ticker. What if he wants to date someone new? What if he can't have anything to do with me? What if he says I had a my chance and now it's too late? I wouldn't blame him for feeling all of these emotions. I'm nervous.... I won't know until I am truthful. It's a risk, but I'm taking it.


Monday, March 08, 2010

A supersized view...

Mom had to work. Dad and I spent the day hanging out at home. I wore my pajamas all day and finshed reading The Secret. Maybe all the hype surrounding the book heightened my expectations. The Secret couldn't have been that bad. I finshed the book, didn't I? I read People too. I talked to my grandma. She told me all about how she's been making marmalade. I listened. Listening is an easy gesture to give to others who have given a lot to me. All day, I kept thinking about the Obsever. I was so happy to see him. With Mom's urging, I called him. We made plans to meet on Friday. I don't want to hurt him, but he deserves to know how I feel.

Grandpa wasn't eating, but soon he was back to himself. In the evening, I ate stew, salad and cheesecake with my parents. Mom and I watched the Oscars for a bit. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin made funny hosts. She was tired and so was I. In bed I watched Supersize Me until I fell asleep. Now that I am supersized too, the world seems bigger and full of possibilities. That's kind of good, isn't it?


Sunday, March 07, 2010

Dads know....

It's ANOTHER beautiful day. We've been so lucky. My plans to head home on Saturday got fuddled. The bus was late picking me up from the library. My cell phone died and I was going to Sherway after it closed. Being left with no ride and no cell phone didn't sit well with me. While waiting, I ran into the Observer's best friend who was dropping off book. Seeing her made me smile. I was thankful our meeting wasn't too awkward. I drove back to my apartment feeling sad and disappointed. With a backpack full of strudel and frozen meat to deliver, I didn't realize how badly I wanted to go home. I called Dad who offered to come pick me up. I said no even though I wanted to say yes. Mom called and said she'd pick me up on her way home from work. I wish she didn't know me so well. I knew Dad would pick me up to give her a break.

While waiting for Dad to pick me up, the superintendent came by to talk to me about my bathroom light. It's a florescent light that has burnt out. It's been flickering on and off for weeks. One of these days, it's going to give me a seizure. He levelled with me and said he had a few glasses of wine, so it might not be the best day for him to fix it. I laughed. I finished watching this week's Grey's Anatomy just in time. In the car, I told Dad how good it was to see the Observer. He asked me if I am sure if breaking up with the Observer is still right.....I didn't say anything. Before bed, I ate my favourite cranberry oatmeal cookies and flax crackers. Still thinking about Dad's question, I went to bed with a full tummy and a confused head. How do parents sense what might be happening with their children before their even children know?


Saturday, March 06, 2010

Sunshiny Saturday...

Do you know anyone who often has an issue? The attendant who I saw yesterday seems to often have an injury or ailment. Back in November, she hurt her arm on my closet door. I felt bad, but it's not like I threw the door on her arm. I saw her yesterday and she showed me a rash on her arm from my cucumber and melon scented Palmolive. Again, I'm sorry the lady is itchy, but I didn't purposely buy the dish soap so she would have a reaction. I bought vegan pizza for dinner last night and ate it in my usual spot. The server at Pizzaiolo offered to lift my wheelchair instead the store. He has no idea how heavy my wheelchair is, but I appreciated the offer. My cell phone wasn't working, so I was late for my dinner attendant. I arrived home to use the bathroom, get my phone plugged in and see my attendant's rash.
Outside is beautiful today. The sun is shinning. It looks like spring. I am going home in about an hour. This morning I didn't know whether I wanted to go home or not. I am enjoying my space and freedom. Slowly, I am feeling like myself. I talked to my sister last night. She and her husband got new windows in their house. My brother-in-law got promoted to department head at his school. I'm happy for him. Remember my former teacher that I sometimes see strolling with his wife? He hired my brother-in-law, so I am glad I spoke highly of him when we saw each other. I congratulated my brother-in-law. Though he didn't know it, my main purpose in calling was to ask my sister if she had any gift suggestions for my Mom's upcoming birthday. She suggested all of my siblings and I pitching in to buy Mom a set of pots. Mom is so tough to buy for. If she wants something, she''ll just buy it. It's hard to get something just for Mom. Housewares aren't personal.

I couldn't NOT take advantage of the sunshine. I headed to the market and bought Mom and Dad some apple strudel. The lady who heads the strudel table recognized me. She greeted me with a smile and a "Hey you!" I overhead the strudel lady saying she ran into Marilyn Denise. Marilyn used to be on Cityline and the Roger, Rick and Marilyn show I think. She's probably a strudel fan. I got a yummy sample of cherry cream cheese strudel. The apple strudel is in my backpack along with the meat I bought yesterday. The north market is a weekly novelty on Saturdays, so I don't go to the south market on weekends, because I can do that any day....I missed seeing the guy from the meat market, but it's OK.

I love the sun. Who wouldn't? Well, my complaining attendant would probably say that too much sunshine makes her hot. Some people...I tell you.


Friday, March 05, 2010

Meat at the market...

Being that it's Friday today, I went to the St. Lawrence Market. I called Mom to ask if she wanted anything. She asked me to pick up beef and chicken shish kabobs. I have never picked up meat from the market before. One of my attendants named Nancy knows her food. She told me to go to Whitehouse meats. I found the store and a cute guy with funky glasses served me. I bought three chicken Slovaki, three beef Slovaki and three lemon herb chicken sticks. They had deal where you got twelve shish kabobs for twenty-four dollars. Why not? Is there such a thing as too much meat? When I got home, Nancy helped me put the meat in the freezer. I told her that if she ever needs meat, I would happily pick it up for her. A little eye candy is good for the soul. Besides, where else would it make sense to spot a cute guy? At the meat market of course....


I have learned....

I am learning that bad days don't last forever. Everything passes. Our job is to survive. Life is now. Yesterday isn't as important as today. An hour ago isn't as important as the one ahead. Regrets aren't helpful. Positive reinforcement goes a long way. Sometimes our pain is obvious to everyone, except ourselves. Sometimes no one can see that we are suffering. Appearances are fleeting. Genuine kindness is unmistakable. Telling the truth matters. The measurement of our happiness has nothing to do with the measurement of our waists . The only way out is through. Being honest can hurt. Not knowing how to explain the way we feel doesn't mean we ought to stop trying. The most painful conversations are often the ones that set us free. Weight changes. Life goes on. We may fall. We may get hurt. The only way to get back on our feet is to keep looking ahead. So, onward I see.


Thursday, March 04, 2010


My taxi driver who dropped me off was very sweet yesterday. Though scheduled to be dropped off at Sherway Mall he let me off at Wall-Mart where I stocked up on grape and cherry Kool-Aid . The canisters are well hidden. Grape must be the most popular flavour because they only had one container left. I bought some cherry Kool-Aid too. I just like it. A sweet lady who was shopping helped me find what I needed.

The Observer and I hung out yesterday. Seeing him was the highlight of my day. He was coming out of the elevator and I was going in. The second we saw each other, it was a reunion of happiness. I've missed the Observer, but I knew I would. He's still his awesome, sweet, bubbly self, but why would that change? We had a good heart to heart. Our history has created such an understanding. I miss him.............I know the Observer is very special. I know I am incredibly blessed to still have his friendship. To me, things felt like they hadn't really changed? Is that good or bad. Saying goodbye to the Observer was hard. I wanted to make plans to see him again soon.

As I was leaving, I bashed into the Observer's foot. I said, "Great! now I broke your heart and your foot!" We both laughed. I came home and used my grape Kool-aide mixed with Kleen Prep. It worked fast. I'm not sure if it was my tummy or my heart that ached. My tummy is better. My heart will take more time.

Thanks for hanging out with me Observer.


Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Top notch TV...

"I believe that if, at the end of it all, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn’t always know this, and I am happy that I lived long enough to find it out.”

- Roger Ebert

Last night I watched Roger Ebert on Oprah. Thyroid cancer has taken away his ability to speak and eat, but his mind is still sharp. His thoughts put my own struggles into perspective. I was feeling guilty about having ravioli at nine thirty for dinner. Ravioli wasn't in my plan, but I think I was hungry. I'm lucky I can eat. Roger Ebert can't eat and will never be able to taste food again.

Next I watched two episodes of The Golden Girls. Rose and Blanche had a fight. Blanche said she had to say to very difficult words. Rose responded with, "Not tonight?" I cracked up. I didn't do my Why Weight? WORKBOOK exercises, but it's OK. I got some perspective and a good laugh. Besides, weight can always....wait.


Shrinking with warmth...

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

From my chubby self...

Do you ever feel like you don't want to do anything? I felt this way yesterday. My plan was to go to a new friend's new apartment for a visit and dinner.I cancelled on her twice already and I didn't want to disappoint her again. After being called "chubby," the idea of dinner made me nervous. One of my new goals is to not let my fears over food stop me from seeing friends or family. So I didn't. I had such a nice evening. My friend seemed genuinely glad to see me and the feeling was mutual. She's all set up in her apartment and is very happy. My friend has taught herself to cook. She made delicious spaghetti and Rice Krispie squares. Her kitchen skills impressed me. I didn't go expecting to have dinner made.

We have much in common, so there was no shortage of conversation. My friend is discovering her freedom and abilities. It's amazing. After losing her job, she made the choice to build her own life and resisted the doubt of her family. Now my friend has a new job. I'm so happy for her. After dinner we went to the local Second Cup - a shop I often frequented when I lived in the same building. My coffee server was very sweet. At home, I did more exercises in my Why Weight book. i watched some TV too.

Today has been enjoyable. I saw a kind attendant this morning who did a top notch job of washing my hair. My stomach is being stubborn, but it didn't ruin my day. Out of toilet paper, I stopped by Shoppers Drug Mart and got restocked. I went back to Macdonald's for a free coffee. I was afraid to push my bladder, so I drank half. I saw a food expert and sweet nurse helped me put on my coat.

Life's not bad.


Monday, March 01, 2010

First March Monday...

I stayed home for one more night. Why not? Mom and Dad took me to Sushi Tei, a Korean/Japanese restaurant. I haven't been there for a long time. Mom loves Bibinbob, stir fried vegetables and rice mixed with an egg and cooked in a stone bowl. They had beef bibinbop and I had mushroom. It was yummy and comforting. They gave us green tea ice cream for dessert. The colour of the ice cream reminds me of my bedroom at home. It's sage green. We watched the figure skating exhibition at home. I cried when they replayed Joannie Rochette's winning performance after she lost her mother. The exhibition was good, but I was pretty tired. There were some cute little kids who skated. I fell asleep right away.

Mom woke me up and said I had puffy eyes. Puffy eyes mean I had a good sleep. My brother came to picked up the crib. He looked at me and laughed. My first thought was, "He's laughing because I'm so chubby." Maybe I'm wrong. We went to see my grandparents. Grandpa's been resisting having a shower. He had one yesterday and he looked fluffy and clean. Grandpa was quiet. He enjoyed seeing Riley. Catching up with Grandma was sweet. She said I "looked good." I appreciated her compliment.

Rushing home, we watched the Canada versus United States hockey game. I ate wheat and flax crackers that got my stomach reved up. I didn't want to stop Dad from watching the game, but nature wouldn't wait.Our hockey team won gold! The game went into overtime. We ate our stir fry in front of the TV. I LOVED the suspense. So did Mom and Dad. The game was a nail biter. Sidney Crosby scored the winning goal. The city went crazy with horns, whooping, and Canadian clothing. Everyone got excited....

it's sunny out today, which is a great way to begin the month of March. An attendant called me chubby. It's true. I'm chubby, but it's OK. Everything passes. I read the rest of Why Weight? I'm doing the exercises in the workbook, which I hope will help me accept my body. I'm not going to get far by dwelling on how big I am. The only way to heal is to be kind to ourselves.

I got free coffee from MacDonald's today. Sweet!