Friday, April 30, 2010

Falling pole....

This morning I met Des at the market. I was late but so was she. It worked. I'm tired and lazy today..........I'm not sure why. We had a sweet chat over brunch. Craving a bagel, I bought a flax seed Montreal bagel from St. Urbain. We met at Yanni's Greek kitchen and found a good table. We talked about men, babies and marriage. Both needing something sweet, we headed off to buy dessert. I got a refreshing fruit cup. It's my one dollar and fifty cent splurge. I had to rush off for my lunch booking, but Des understood.

I was fife minutes late and missed my attendant, but she didn't mind. Holding onto my pole to transfer, the whole thing tumbled from the ceiling. We're both lucky we weren't hurt. I may be tired and lazy, but at least I'm safe.


Thursday, April 29, 2010

I'm grateful for...

* The ability to stay with my family for as long as I want

* Blueberry bagels

* My Pay-As-You Go card

* Shane turning 30

* My old boyfriend becoming a Dad

* Thursdays


Oh my gosh!

I've been home for four days. I got back last night. On Sunday night, I watched a cheesy Hallmark movie called When Love Is Not Enough staring Wynona Ryder. I stuffed my face with Mom's oatmeal cranberry cookies while watching the movie. I confused hunger and tiredness I think. I probably should have hit the sack instead. On Monday, I decided to stay longer just before my bus came. I caught up on Dancing With The Stars. Jake from The Bachelor got the boot, which didn't surprise me. Dad and I went for a wicked walk into town and to a coffee shop. The coffee was cold so I didn't drink it. Dad was shocked. He's never seen me not drink coffee. We went strolling on a beautiful trail near the river.

Tuesday was my brother's thirtieth birthday. Mom took me to get a new Pay-As-You-Go card from Rogers. My sister and her husband stopped by for a visit. It was great to see them. They are well. Our visit was short, because we had to go to my brother's house for dinner. My sister asked me a few times if I could meet her at the market on Saturday. I get the feeling she wants to tell me something....... Mom and Dad and I brought sushi to him and his wife. Mom gave him a knitted blanket for the baby. It was his only gift for now. We teased him that his own gifts are all for the baby now. My sister-in-law went to the doctor on Tuesday and she hadn't made progress. Maybe she'll be induced next Tuesday. Five more days! She is grumpy, but it's understandable.

Yesterday I got up early since Mom had a hair and pedicure appointment. I watched Rich, Bride, Poor Bride. Mom and I ate chicken sandwiches on pitas and she gave me a sweet, refreshing shower. I was sad to say goodbye, but I'll be back on Sunday...It will be my brother's official birthday dinner. (If the baby doesn't come.......)

I had some time to kill between catching buses, so I went across the street from Sherway to Wall-mart and pinked up three sets of cherry kool-aide and three sets of grape. I was nervous going down a curb, so a lady stopped and got out of her car to help me. I love those kind of people.

I can't stop wondering why my sister wants to meet at the on Saturday. We always enjoying hanging out there, but I get the hunch there's more to her wanting to hang out? Could there be TWO babies in our family soon??? I'm trying not to get excited, but.....oh my gosh!


Monday, April 26, 2010

Fearless love....

When I woke up I was 17
You kissed my lips in a bad bad dream
Showed me things aren’t what they appear to be
Called me angel and set me free
You gave me life in the cold cold dark
But you ran away in the mornings spark
Made me think that reality
Is not where I want to be

I am what I am and
I am what I am afraid of
Oh what am I afraid of
I need a fearless love
Don’t need to fear the end
If you can’t hold me now
You will never hold me again
I want to live my life
Pursuing all my happiness
I want a fearless love
I won’t settle for anything less

I’ve walked my path had worlds collide
I lost my way and I fooled my pride
This lover’s ache wouldn’t feel so strange
If I could only change

But I am what I am and
I am what I am afraid of
So what am I afraid of
I need a fearless love
Don’t need to fear the end
If you can’t hold me now
You will never hold me again
I want to live my life
Pursuing all my happiness
I want a fearless love
I won’t settle for anything less

Now I’m not here to lay the blame
I understand when you hold a flame
Heads will shake heads will turn
And sometimes you just get burned

- Melissa Etheridge

Sunday, April 25, 2010


It's damp and chilly outside, but still tolerable. appetites turned out to be my night's entertainment. I went to Second Cup and finished the whole book over a Belgian chocolate coffee. Sitting there reading was peaceful. Hearing a Jack Johnston tune made me happy. On the way home, I heard the song Your Love Is My Drug by Kasha playing in a bar. The song made me feel alive. I looked up at the sky and was so grateful for being there. I spent a whole night with a book and a coffee and loved every second. Not being hungry all the time feels so liberating and strange at the same time. There is peace in me from having just enough.

I went to Church this morning. I was worried it would rain, but everything turned out. Congregation members are starting to introduce themselves. A lady named Ellen who also uses a wheelchair was very chatty. I'm glad people are friendly, but hopefully they won't become too friendly. They invited me to a Newcomers meeting after service, but I opted out. Maybe another Sunday........No baby news yet! I'm praying for a healthy nephew or niece.


Saturday, April 24, 2010

Oh the suspense!

Just as I planned, my Friday night was quiet. At dinner-time, I drank Kleen-prep. Fortunately, I only felt yucky for a short while. I had the chills and cranked up the heat before it passed. Kleen Prep's initial side effects help me appreciate the warm of summer. I watched Oprah. It was her Live In Chicago edition. A princess talked about a children's' book she authored about the differences in cultural habits. In her book, the princess talked about her school-mate eating a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. At first, she thought the gooey, brown spread looked disgusting, but soon realized that it tasted delicious. I thought it was such a simple, smart example about not judging others. Children's books can be profoundly simple and pack a powerful punch. Melissa Ethridge also performed a good song. I love her voice and song lyrics.

I read Appetites by Geneen Roth. It's my second time. Tonight I have a choice of Appetites again or Still Alice. We'll see which book I crave.

An hour or so before bed, Mom called to say that my sister-in-law might be in labour. My brother got a call at work and my sister-in-law said she "felt different." With the advice of his co-workers who are fathers, my brother headed home. When I talked to Mom, they were going for a walk. Before hanging up with me, Mom promised she would call if anything changed. Seconds after saying goodbye to Mom, the phone rang. Thinking the baby was coming, I excitedly picked up the phone and heard a familiar voice say, "Open the garage." It was the Observer. He accidentally dialed my number instead of his parents' house. We both laughed. Surprisingly (or not) I couldn't sleep again last night. I watched a new show on TLC called Three Weddings. It showcases three weddings organized and executed on a very tight budget. The brides each attend their competitor's weddings and vote. The prize is a top-of-the-line honeymoon.

After going to the market for breakfast and to buy bagels and strudel for Mom and Dad, I called Dad for an update. My sister-in-law is still hanging in. Maybe I'm not sleeping because I'm excited about the arrival of my niece-or-nephew. Hurry up little baby! Your Mom is getting uncomfortable and the the rest of your family can't wait to meet you!


Friday, April 23, 2010

A chill...

There's a chill in my bones. It won't go away. The coldness began on my trip back from the market. It's a wee bit nippy out. There's a wind or breeze. I listened to tunes this morning and had a funny chat with my morning attendant. I have started reading Still Alice again. I was reading it at Easter. Last night I saw it sitting on my kitchen table. The caption A book you won't likely forget made me smile. How ironic considering that Still Alice is about a woman with Alzheimer's...I watched the Oprah episode from last week about the woman who has eight kids. She seemed a bit off, but you'd have to be when you have eight babies.

I'm still tired, but I bet the mom of eight is tired too. It's going to be a quiet night for me of TV watching and warming up.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

Happy round, rotating globe day!

It's Earth Day! I haven't really done anything too "Earthy" but it's all good. Outside is a bit cooler than we're used to. I find it crisp - not cool. I'm wearing my wintery, wool sweater. I suppose it will be the last chance I have this winter. Being Thursday, I wheeled to my doctor's appointment. It was a refreshing walk. I went to the market for dinner. I had a craving for a Montreal style bagel and fruit salad. I started with the fruit salad and loved it. I lived off Market fruit salad last summer - so refreshing and cheap. After my fruit, I bought a pumpernickel bagel. It was yummy, but felt like too much food.

Speaking of excess, I couldn't sleep last night. Two cups of late night coffee were to blame. I met my friend at Second Cup. We were both late, which is routine for us. I enjoyed our chat. All that caffeine reeved me up. I couldn't stop laughing.....In bed, I watched the season finale of Addicted. I missed much of it, but still enjoyed what I did see. The show is sad, but intriguing all at once.

Remember my Mom's cousin who was the alcoholic? Her funeral was today. My Dad is a pallbearer. I feel a bit sad for not going, but at least my sister and parents went. Life's short, so cherish the Earth. It's our only home.


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Universial kindness....

I believe we should all believe in something. I believe I'll have another

- Cafe Mania

I went to the Women's Bible Study at Church In The City last night. They are
still on The Secret. I've missed the last two weeks, so it was good to
be back. A warm, friendly girl named Aleeka led the group. Besides Trudy, she's one of my
favourite members. Aleeka is my age or younger and smiles often. She's

my kind of friend.

My least favosurite attendant Iowni told me, that, "It was good to see me back
to my healthy size. "I was very worried about you," she told me. "Don't worry,
you'll never be fat, just healthy."

isn't the greatest, but her compliment was genuine - as was
her concern. Months ago, I used to get furious when people said they were
worried. "Screw them! They want me fat!" I thought. Now I understand
they had my back. Iowni may be annoying, rude and lazy, but there IS
kindness in her heart. There's kindness in everyone. For some people, it's buried deeper than


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

An interview with a French Woman who doesn't get fat...

Yesterday I went to see Mireille Guiliano speak at Indigo Books. By the time I arrived the presentation area was packed. I wasn't late, but I wasn't early. Mireille Guiliano is the author of French Women Don't Get Fat. It's about how Mireille Guiliano enjoys love, eating, her surroundings, cooking and maintains a balanced lifestyle. I read French Women Don't Get Fat a number of years ago and really enjoyed it. French Women Don't Get Fat is an anti-diet book advocating pleasure and freshness. Mireille Guiliano was interviewed by Elle Magazine's Editor-In Chief Rita Silvan. She talked about Oprah since she was a guest on her show. Mireille Guiliano remembers Oprah confessing to her that, she "couldn't walk past a refrigerator without emptying its contents." Mireille Guiliano told Oprah that she needed to "live with her for a few weeks and learn a few French tricks." Oprah still hasn't taken Mireille Guiliano up on her offer.

Rita Silvan said, "A way to a man's heart is through his stomach. What's the way to a woman's heart?"

Mireille Guiliano answered, "When a man cooks for her."

What's the worst North American food trend right now? "Magnolia cupcakes" says Mireille Guiliano. "They send women into a sugar binge."

I'm glad I went. I came home and paid special attention to the crunch of my apple.

On my way home from buying cream cheese at No Frills today, I read the quote, "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it."

Food is a must, so we might as well enjoy it, right?"


Monday, April 19, 2010

Passing a stone...

I'm tired today. Mondays are my day to sleep in. Why then do I feel so beat? I was tired last night. The Juno Awards weren't too exciting. For a teenager, Justin Beiber isn't bad. Don't get me wrong. I haven't come down with "Beiber Fever" or anything. All I'm saying is that the kid's OK.

After checking my messages yesterday, there were three from my sister. Calls from her aren't rare, but getting three messages in the span of an hour kind of is. When she began with, "I don't want you to worry, but..." I knew there was trouble. Dad woke up vomiting in severe pain. Mom had to go to work. She called to check on Dad and there was no answer. Sensing Dad needed helped, she called my younger brother and asked him to check on Dad. He found Dad screaming in pain. It took an hour to get him the car. Poor guy. Seeing Dad like that would have been horrible. My poor brother. Part of me felt guilty for not checking my messages, but all I would have done was worry anyway.

The hospital gave Dad morphine, Xrayed him and found kidney stones. Mom met my brother and sister at the hospital. She was worried, so her co-workers told her to go home. Dad had kidney stones two summers ago. He was able to pass them. Once he felt better, Mom took him home and he slept...All this started and ended before I even knew anything. Dad sounded relaxed and slurred on the phone. He must have been enjoying the drugs. He went to work today, so all seems well.

Mom said the emergency room doctor said passing a kidney stone is as painful as having a baby. I asked her if the doctor who said so was male. Not surprisingly, she said yes. If you asked a woman who has actually had a baby, she might have a different view. There are some things we need to experience before having a perspective. As Rachel once said in a Friends episode, "No uterus. No opinion."


Sunday, April 18, 2010

Moments Of Grace...

There's construction where the thewall fell down in my hood. Meeting my friend at Union Station, I forget that I would be wheeling right in the center of all the upheaval. There was a crane lifting the wreckage. Everyone was stopping to take pictures. I didn't see the thrill in the whole thing. I was worried about how I would across and get to Union Station. A kind policeman told me where to go. I had to turn around a few times before reaching Union. I called my friend to tell her that I would late. Even so, I felt sorry to keep her waiting. Seeing her brought a big bright spot to my weekend. We both ate veggie sandwiches and she treated me to an Irish Cream coffee. Every sip was heaven. Delicious, rich, hot coffee filled my throat. Yum!

My friend says she wants to lose weight. She's quite heavy. After my own struggles with weight, I told her that she might be healthier and a bit happier, but she'll still be herself. The only thing that will change will be the size of her body. Life doesn't magically transform if one part of who we are changes. We're still left with the same personality, beliefs, hurts, values and insecurities. Happiness can't be based on a thing. It's a feeling. I thought that losing weight would make me happy. It did - until I started losing my mind too. I tried to explain some of this to my friend. Maybe she understood. I told her that she's beautiful. I think she understood that. I was sad to say goodbye to my friend, but I'll see her soon.

Getting home was a bit challenging....I had to take a different route and had trouble finding my way. Cold and frustrated, I finally asked a policeman for help. He might have been the same officer from earlier. I was glad to get home. I was freezing. I couldn't sleep. It was coffee insomnia. I watched MuchMoreMusic. I love the song If We Ever Meet Again by Katy Perry and Timberland. I heard it a few times and jammed in my bed.

A pleasant surprise began my Sunday. My favourite attendant helped me shower and get ready for my day. I love Cynthia. She did my hair funky, but it's OK. I went to church and enjoyed the music and sermon. Having been to this particular congregation on the first Sunday of 2010, I knew what to expect. The hymns were beautiful. The theme of the sermon was called Moment of Grace. They are in the middle of theme surrounding the Christian version of The Secret. It's the same theme as we discuss at the woman's group I go to on Tuesday nights with Trudy. Being they are two different churches, The Secret must be a hot topic in religion right now. Today's sermon message was that we are all afforded chances to let go, and embrace whatever comes our way. I felt like I was in the way because my wheelchair was right at the start of the pew. The usher told me I was welcome to sit right in the pew and kindly patted my shoulder. Perhaps it was a moment of grace.


Saturday, April 17, 2010

Goodbye gum....

I had the best sleep last night. It was windy and cold. A wall collapsed in my hood. Being out all day, I didn't get a chance to talk to Mom. She was worried. I bought pizza for dinner from Pizzaolo. I asked for a slice of vegan. They were out, so I agreed to wait while they made fresh pizza The guy gave me a small pizza with cheese. I said, "I only wanted a slice." Eating a whole small pizza alone would have made me freak afterwards. Since the parlour went to the trouble of making pizza for me, I didn't want to be rude and argue about cheese. The store gave it to me for free...sweet. Maybe they felt bad that they weren't accessible. When it comes to food, I'm trying hard to loosen my rules. Carrying my pizza, my cell phone rang. With busy hands, I couldn't answer it. Part me wondered if someone was calling to say that my sister-in-law was in labour. I was conflicted as to whether I should go home. hunger and pizza called, so I ate inside a plaza. The pizza was greasy. All my toppings fell off when I took it out of the bag, but oh well.

I came home parched with thirst. I drank Chai Chocolate Tea and Kool-aide. Talk about desert thrist. Exhausted, I watched Oprah. Elton John performed Tiny Dancer. Ironically, watching him reminded me of being in Collingwood and listening to my brother perform Tiny Dancing while playing Karaoke....He was hilarious. Tiny Dancer is a long-winded tune, but Elton is a professional. Yesterday's episode of Golden Girls was about a lonely empty nester. Watching the woman, I couldn't help thinking of my parents. This is the first weekend since I became single and started recovery that I've stayed at my apartment. I feel so free!

Gosh, it feels like winter outside. Looking out my window, there were wet flurries. I listened to tunes this morning. I heard What Do Want From Me? by Adam Lambert and cranked my radio up. The Observer gave me my stereo three months after we started dating. Every day I flip it on...Thanks Observer! I went to the market and bought a bag of apples and a bagel for lunch. Bagels are my new addiction. On the way to my apartment, I saw an attendant and asked how she was. "I'm alright, you know," she answered. She said she was borrowing my favourite phrase. I do say it often.

I haven't chewed gum in a week. Since I'm eating when I'm hungry, I don't feel compelled to devour a whole pack every day. Gum chewing was my addiction. I'm no longer hungry ALL the time and I don't eat massive amounts of food at one sitting as much. Yes, I still slip. Yes, I'm flabby. Somehow, the world doesn't feel like it will end. I'm alright, you know.


Friday, April 16, 2010

Not a TOTAL waste.....

Don't you hate the feeling that you wasted your own time? I drank Earl Grey tea before going to sleep last night. It kept me awake. I watched MuchMoreMusic Videoflow. I'm a big fan of the tune Bedrock by Lil' Wayne. The lyrics are very dirty, so I'm not posting them. The tune does make me laugh, which is a score in my songbook. Fun songs are the best, especially when I'm grumpy.
Speaking of grumpiness and wasting time, I woke up early this morning to attend an orientation for a women's group. Just about to set off on my journey, I felt a raindrop, so I turned around. Soon I realized that it was only spitting. Not wanting to miss an adventure, I headed back towards my appointment. I was an hour late. Oops. Stopping to buy a bagel from The Bagel House probably held me up a little. My whole wheat bagel was yummy though. It turns out that I attended the same workshop two Tuesdays ago...argh. Why didn't the leader clue in that there was no reason for me to be there???????? In all fairness, she must have lots of people to keep straight, but still. I tried to be polite, but all I could hear was the clocking ticking away and "Blah, Blah, Blah." This lady kept trying to give me papers I already have. I wanted to scream, "Your wasting YOUR time AND mine, because I've heard all this junk already!"
Not to waste the trek, I visited my friend who lives nearby. We had a VERY short chat, but at least I got to see her. She had been sick, so she said the company was appreciated. I got to see a former attendant who was helping my friend. To me, the best use of time is seeing a friend - and I did - if only for a few minutes. The morning wasn't ENTIRELY a waste.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

Lucky star....

Outside is fresh and sunny. I enjoyed wheeling to my Thursday appointment. It was a bit crisp outside though.....I brought a Tim Hortons reusable mug into Starbucks and got a free coffee. As I was going through the door, a guy sitting outside commented that I had guts bringing a Tim Hortons mug into Starbucks. I guess so........I am glad to be back at my apartment. I missed my freedom....

My mom's cousin is sixty two. She's been an alcoholic for most of her adult life. She's suffering from an esophageal bleed. She's on life support and not expected to live. It makes me sad. My Mom's cousin led a tortured life. Hopefully peace is near...

I watched Richard Bronson on Oprah last night. He seems so kind and humble. He said he must "have been born under a lucky star." I love that thought....


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Good tunes!

"When we drink coffee, ideas start marching in like an army."

- The store Coffee Mania

The Observer asked me what some of my favourite tunes on the radio are. I forget to mention the new tune by Lady Gaga called Alejandro. It's catchy.....I also like Live Like We're Dying by Kris Allen. Music, Music, Music...I love you...


A picture in kindness...

Something sweet happened to me yesterday. The bus driver who picked me up from my parents' house asked how the Observer was doing. The driver is super sweet. When I told her that we broke up, she was shocked. We talked about how amazing a guy the Observer is. I told we just weren't meant to be. The bus driver understood completely. Most Moms do...

"If it's not right, it's not right. Better now than later," she said. Smart people get it. Getting off the bus, the driver commented that I looked sad. Telling people that the Observer and I aren't together is hard....I had a wicked boyfriend. Plus, I missed my Mom. She's tough to say goodbye to. A frown was probably on my face. There was a pretty flower garden facing us as I got off the bus. The bus driver took a picture of me using her cell phone camera. Her gesture made me smile....Cheese!


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Good times...

I watched Amazing Race with Mom and Dad. A rude, annoying same sex couple got voted off...yay! Mom fell asleep on the couch and was mumbling something about cake. We went shopping yesterday. I got two new pairs of jeans. One has funky, professionally crafted holes in the knee. They look groovy. We ate a ton of Mom's famous oatmeal chocolate chip and cranberry almond cookies. Last night we watched Dancing With Stars. The bachelor and Kate Gosselin have got to go. With new hair and jeans, I feel like a new lady! Now, if only I looked as skinny as the girl in this picture, I'd be REALLY happy!


Happy tree...

Well, I have just returned from four days at home. I left on Friday and just got back to my apartment today. It's a sunny, springy Tuesday. Remember how the plan was to get my hair highlighted on Friday? I also wanted to go to a movie night for women with disabilities and watch My Sister's Keeper. I learned that cutting things too tightly when it comes to time is not smart. I arrived home with plenty of time to have lunch and get to my hair appointment. Unfortunately, my hair dresser was running behind. Uh oh. Thankfully, my hair responds quickly to the colour, so there was no waiting for peroxide to take. Mom sweetly dried my hair. She looked tired from all the shower preparations. I would have made it home for my taxi. Mom suggested that I save myself a trip and stay overnight...I couldn't say no.

Things were a tad stressful the night leading up to Saturday's shower. Mom was trying to get everything ready and poor Dad was trying to help. He didn't know which way to turn....

The shower was fun. We only had three regrets, which made for twenty seven guests. Grandma had a cold. Mom seemed to be pleased. My sister-in-law got some nice gifts. We had catered sandwiches. My favourite were peanut butter and banana. Those went fast. The cake was lemon and vanilla. It was OK.

I stayed on Sunday so Dad could take me to Terra Nurseries and pick up a magnolia tree for my sister and husband. The tree is a wedding gift, but magnolia trees are only available in spring, so when their July wedding hit, the trees were past their prime. Magnolias come in different varietes, so I picked a white Star magnolia. A flower fell off in the car, so I kept it. We dropped the tree off at my sister's house. I said "Happy Anniversary." My sister smiled and kissed my cheek.


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Catch The Wind...

In the chilly hours and minutes,
Of uncertainty, I want to be,
In the warm hold of your loving mind.

To feel you all around me,
And to take your hand, along the sand,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

When sundown pales the sky,
I wanna hide a while, behind your smile,
And everywhere I'd look, your eyes I'd find.

For me to love you now,
Would be the sweetest thing, 'twould make me sing,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.

When rain has hung the leaves with tears,
I want you near, to kill my fears
To help me to leave all my blues behind.

For standin' in your heart,
Is where I want to be, and I long to be,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.


* Dad has the tune on his Ipod. Donovan has an afrow and looks like he dances under a disco ball. Dad knows how to pick funky songs! *

Friday, April 09, 2010

Fresh hair....

Rain poured from the sky yesterday. Luckily, it stopped and started. I wheeled to my usual Thursday appointment. As luck would have it, I chose the time when the rain hit hardest. My trek took about twenty minutes - just long enough for my jeans to get soaked and my glasses to get fogged. Since I could have easily taken the bus, I really have no one to blame but myself. I made it to my appointment in impressive time. Being sopping wet was kind of embarrassing, but everyone who went out that day was wet to some degree. My doctor commented that she felt a "chill in her bones"...I know how she felt. The wind is chilly today. There is light snow. I didn't wear my jacket. Not smart...If it doesn't rain, it snows.

Later, I went to Timothys and had a noisette coffee with a Honey Crisp apple. The shop owner only took eighty cents from me. He was sweet. Beside me, there was the cutest little baby with dark, curly hair. He was smiling and laughing at me. He dropped his toy, which made him very sad. Babies make my day...

On the way home, I stopped at The Bagel House and bought a whole wheat bagel. The shop gave it to me for free. I've visited The Bagel House three times in the last week, so it must pay to be a regular customer.

Once home, I was content to get in my pajamas and drink Chai Chocolate tea. I watched the Golden Girls and listened to tunes. I couldn't really sleep. I'm going home for a hair appointment and coming back this afternoon. Tomorrow is my sister-in-law's baby shower. I am nervous about seeing family and friends after gaining so much wait. Someone is going to say something. I figure having good hair is a plus - even if I am fatter.


Thursday, April 08, 2010

Can you guess?

In the drugstore last night, I saw two teenagers. One was a guy and the other was a girl. The guy said, "I have no shame. I will yell out what we need."

The girl asked the guy, "What kind do you want?"

"I don't care - as long as it doesn't break," he answered.

Can you guess what they were looking for?


I would say...

There is a heavy, deep sadness in my ticker. A little tear is in the corner of my eye. I feel so heavy, big and fat. I am sad.....and.....loney....and....cold.....and tired....I miss the Observer. I miss his reassurance and laughter. I miss the familiarity. I know it's not fair to call him. That would be selfish. Just because I am lonely doesn't mean he is obligated to talk to me. He deserves to heal and be happy....I knew I would miss him. I will for a long time. If I could talk to the Observer, I would say:

I am so lucky to have you in my life. I miss you every day. I miss being held. I'm sorry. Sorry for leaving. Sorry for snapping at you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for tolerating me when I couldn't tolerate myself. I'm sorry for being such a mean, sick girlfriend. Thank you for loving me anyway. I can still hear your laugh and the funny way you swear. I still talk about you ALL the time. I wish we had eaten together more often. I wish I had let you get closer to me. You made me happy. Hopefully I made you happy too.

Sometimes I miss you in an achy, dull way. I feel like I can't breathe. I want to call you and come over. I want to put my head on your shoulder and sniff your cologne. I want to hold your hand and kiss your head. I want to hug you tightly and feel ourselves squeezing together. I feel safe with you. I love you. I will always love you. Be happy always Observer.

There are big, salty, wet tears streaming down my cheeks. I'm taking deep and out...


Wednesday, April 07, 2010


Today is Grandpa's birthday. I think he eighty five (or four?) Happy Birthday to the wisest, kindest soul I know..........I love you.........may you remember how great you make life. Life, love, laugh, be happy and eat sweets and drink tea!




A golden perspective....

It's been raining off and on all day again. At least the rain has been stopping. I read Feeding The Hungry Heart by Geneen Roth this morning. Listening to the rain was peaceful. I enjoyed the solo time. My prescription at the drugstore for laxatives got messed up...ahhh! It's not the end of the world. It's just annoying. I opted out of going to the women's group at church last night. My heart just wasn't in it....I felt guilty...but......

On her show yesterday, Oprah asked Betty White, "What's the one thing you've always wanted to do?"

Betty answered, "Robert Redford."

I'm still smiling....

Betty's probably had a few drugstores flub up her prescription to and yet she has survived and thrived.


Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Easter recap....

Easter was fun. I knew it would be. I watched most of Milk on Saturday night. Unfortunately the DVD froze near the end. From what I saw, I liked Milk. Sean Pen doesn't waste his time. Milk reminded me of Brokeback Mountain. Maybe it's because both films center around gay characters. I want to see the ending soon. As always happens when I spend the night at home, I couldn't sleep.

Sunday was beautiful outside. The weather was sunny, bright and beautiful. I spent time outside. I had to wait at the light. It took forever for someone to walk by and hit the button for me. I wore a brown dress and felt good. Usually, I like to wear bright colours, but I still felt pretty in this outfit. I watched a small bit of a Shirley Temple movie while waiting to have my shower...she's so cute! There was a part where she had her hand resting on the pilot's shoulder. She looked so innocent and sweet. I want to watch more Shirley Temple movies...

Everyone can for Easter dinner. We sat outside for a bit. My sister-in-law is ready to pop any day now. She's uncomfortable and grumpy. I don't blame her. We played a funny game where each of us was a Lyndt gold bunny. We also competed for whoever had the lowest blood pressure. Shane kept insulting Jeff to raise his blood pressure. We couldn't stop laughing. Our turkey dinner and frozen lemon torte was delicious. I ate like a baboon....

I stayed for Easter Monday. Mom let me go to Tim Hortons alone. This is a first. I navigate the big city alone ALL the time, but Mom and Dad have never let me go to Tim Horton's solo. Go figure....I enjoyed my large coffee and freedom. Having gotten up at seven thirty, I slept like a baby last night.

It's been raining off and on all day today. I wheeled to the Heath Station for a woman's group orientation. It was boring. I got weighed too. Those numbers are rising....scary stuff. Numbers are just numbers. I'm still me.

Happy April!


Monday, April 05, 2010

I'm grateful for...

* April (my friend)

* Music

* Spring

* Apples

* Coffee

* The St. Lawrence Market on Saturday

* Being able to buy treats for my parents

* Fresh starts

* flowers from friends

* Spring (the season)


Sunday, April 04, 2010

Turn, Turn, Turn...

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

Words-adapted from The Bible, book of Ecclesiastes
Music-Pete Seeger

Saturday, April 03, 2010

Happy Easter!

It's a spring Saturday. I went to the market for hot cross buns. The strudel lady was sold out of most of her goods but I did get an apple strudel for Dad. She was out of hot cross buns. Luckily, Stone mill bakery downstairs had some left. Carrying them on my wheelchair, I heard passersby commenting. I saw Amanda, a fellow women's group member and her girls at the market. My good Friday was good. I went to Church In The City for their morning service. I sat with Trudy and Hazel. I know them both from the Gage. Trudy helped me take communion. She's so sweet. I didn't hear anything too groundbreaking, but it was worthwhile going. The service was a combination of a few different local churches. The choir was talented, but they got a little intense during prayer. They kept saying things over each other. Hearing so many voices at once was slightly alarming. Church In The City is where I go to the Tuesday Night Women's Group, so it was comforting to see familiar faces.

In the afternoon, I met April at Timothy's. We had a great heart-to-heart. She understands me. Like me, April just broke up with her boyfriend after a long-term relationship. We agreed that all of our friends are getting married, having babies and buying houses in Milton. Given the trend, we feel we ought to follow suit, but it's not the life we want. Is that strange? We both dated amazing guys, but....something was missing.

April gave me beautiful pink tulips. There is one white tulip in the bunch which is favourite. They look beautiful on my table. Since being single, I've received many plants and flowers from my female friends. They just know what friends need. I watched The Devil Wears Prada last night. I love Andy's boyfriend with the curly hair. I watched Raquel Welch and Janet Jackson on Oprah. I got my fix of Golden Girl episodes too.

I'm going to my parents' tonight. Being so beautiful outside, I feel like enjoying a night downtown. Going home is losing its novelty. I love Mom and Dad, but there's nothing to do at home. I don't feel like going to bed early. Oh well, it's Easter. I'll be back tomorrow...

As my sister-in-law would say, have a hoppy Easter!


Friday, April 02, 2010

After Awhile...

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't always promises

and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up

and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn

and you learn with every good-bye you learn.

- Veronica A. Shoffstall

Thursday, April 01, 2010

A few reasons to laugh...

It's another beautiful, sunny Thursday. Last Thursday was just as beautiful. I saw my favourite attendant Cynthia today. She is the best. When she came into my apartment, she said, "I know you won't want to waste one minute of this gorgeous day," She was right. I wheeled to my appointment. I arrived much quicker than I thought. A car almost hit me, but I ended up dodging it. I guess I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I slept well again. I've been very lucky. I watched the show Addicted on TLC. It's really sad, but at the same time, I can't take my eyes off it. This week's episode was about an alcoholic named Kevin. He went through rehab, relapsed and went through rehab again. Poor dude. He trashed his apartment to bits.

Dad told me the following joke:

A bank robber walked into a crowded bank and ordered everyone to lie face-down on the floor. "I will shot anyone who dares to look up," he admitted. To show he wasn't kidding, the robber shot the first guy who looked up. Scanning the room, the robber asked if anyone else looked up. A man on the floor answered, "Well, I didn't, but I'm pretty sure I saw my mother-in-law look up."

I cracked right up at the ending. I tried to tell my night attendant, but I couldn't stop laughing long enough. I managed to tell Cynthia. She laughed.

In my appointment today, I was asked to switch my Weight Watchers bread to a grocery store brand high-fiber bread. This is big and scary. That bread is comforting.

I thought about it for a bit and said it would be tough, but I'd give it a try.

Before I could ask, my doctor said, "Weight Watchers bagels aren't an option."

I cracked up. Am I that easy to read?

Have a Good Friday tomorrow!