Thursday, April 08, 2010

I would say...

There is a heavy, deep sadness in my ticker. A little tear is in the corner of my eye. I feel so heavy, big and fat. I am sad.....and.....loney....and....cold.....and tired....I miss the Observer. I miss his reassurance and laughter. I miss the familiarity. I know it's not fair to call him. That would be selfish. Just because I am lonely doesn't mean he is obligated to talk to me. He deserves to heal and be happy....I knew I would miss him. I will for a long time. If I could talk to the Observer, I would say:

I am so lucky to have you in my life. I miss you every day. I miss being held. I'm sorry. Sorry for leaving. Sorry for snapping at you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for tolerating me when I couldn't tolerate myself. I'm sorry for being such a mean, sick girlfriend. Thank you for loving me anyway. I can still hear your laugh and the funny way you swear. I still talk about you ALL the time. I wish we had eaten together more often. I wish I had let you get closer to me. You made me happy. Hopefully I made you happy too.

Sometimes I miss you in an achy, dull way. I feel like I can't breathe. I want to call you and come over. I want to put my head on your shoulder and sniff your cologne. I want to hold your hand and kiss your head. I want to hug you tightly and feel ourselves squeezing together. I feel safe with you. I love you. I will always love you. Be happy always Observer.

There are big, salty, wet tears streaming down my cheeks. I'm taking deep and out...


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