Wednesday, June 30, 2010

All I've gained...

These days are sweet. I feel as though I've waken up after being asleep for a whole year. Music makes me happy. If I could swing my hips, watch out! I am craving chocolate big time. I'm having trouble controlling it. Most women do, so at least I'm not alone. I like brownies from Second Cup or Timothy's. Lemon poppy seed cake is delicious....I'm so big, but so happy.

The top of my joystick fell off....My mind is going to dirty places. My favourite technician came to replace it this morning.

Tomorrow is Canada Day...I still have my weekly appointment. Going reminds me of all I gained. Maybe that makes my sessions worthwhile.

Have a happy Canada Day!


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Such excitment!

I met my friend Des at the market today. It was unplanned. I bumped into her while buying a veggie pita. She had an appointment so while she was gone, I bought tokens and biscotti. Later we went to Second Cup and I had a brownie and expresso chiller. I'm ramped on coffee.

I'm going home tomorrow because my brother Jeff asked me. I think he's getting engaged!!!!!! My whole family agrees. TWO new babies and a wedding...It's amazing to be a part of such a wicked family.

Yesterday a guy fell into my lap...I'm still smiling over it.


Monday, June 28, 2010

It's been a week....

Well, it's Monday. At this time last week, I went to Buffalo with my Mom and sister. We shopped. I bought sexy new white jeans and a purple top from the Gap. We bought baby stuff from Target, Carters and Babies R Us. I can't believe my sister has a growing bun in her oven! It warms my ticker. On Tuesday I went to the dietitian. I've gained five pounds. She was OK about it - I was freaking. After finding out I gained, I ate a big brownie, two pieces of poppy seed cake, a skinny vanilla latte and vegan pizza. Odd, isn't it? I'd like to say the next day was better, but no. I had three frappicunnos, two Starbucks scones and two slices of lemon poppy seed cake....That's not right.

We had an earthquake on Wednesday. I was in Starbucks. Where else would I be? At first I thought the shaking was the streetcar tracks but then it seemed strong. I wondered if a bomb would come through the floor. For a second, I was confronted knowing I would die in my favourite place.

On Thursday I went my appointment. We talked about my overeating. My doctor is always one ahead of me. I hate that.....Friday was the start of madness in our city. We just had the G20 summit in our city. Store windows are smashed, businesses are boarded up and police cars were set ablaze. For a protest, Dad says it was pretty normal....The Starbucks damage makes me mad...

I was home for the protest. I left on Thursday and returned last night. I kept busy so the time passed. I went to Trinty Commom plaza on Friday. The weather was beautiful. I bumped in my brother-in-law. We chatted. He kissed my head and it made me smile. No good movies were playing, so I hung out at Starbucks and went to Casesys for a veggie burger and sweetpotato fries. A little boy cried in the restaurant. It broke my heart. He looked at me through sad, wet eyes. Poor dude.

On Saturday, I met Christina and the Observer at Square One. The Observer bought me the new Jack Johnston album and treated my friend and I to dinner Moxys. That guy...*thank you Observer* I watched the protest with Mom and Dad. I found the events disturbing and took the damage personally. I live where they were vandalizing. Watching the police made me worry about my brother. He was OK. We watched It's Complicated. I loved it.

Yesterday my Mom and sister and I drove to Chatham for Cole's baby shower. I sat in the backseat and kept falling over. Mom couldn't find me in the rear view mirror. The shower was fun. Cole slept and got passed around. It was a long drive but we went on behalf of Cole and my brother. They are worth it. I enjoyed being home but am glad to return to my freedom. Today someone asked me how I am. "I'm livin' '' I said. In the elevator last night, someone saw my backpacks of clean laundry and thought I was protester. I believe in livin' peacefully too, but not enough to take the streets.


Sunday, June 20, 2010

dusting off...

It's sunny and beautiful out today. I'm been stuffing myself with food. Argh! I'm going home's Father's day.

Tomorrow I'm going to the states with my Mom and sister...i'll get back on isn't over yet.

I'm grateful for my dad - always.


I love my Dad because........

* He taught me how to be kind.....

* Dad has a warm smile and eyes

* He loves me no matter what

* Dad has a great sense of humour

* He loves my Mom



Saturday, June 19, 2010

A few days later...

Well.........I feel big and flabby. I keep eating bagels, drinking calorie filled beverages, Starbucks poppyseed loaf and vegan pizza. Even fat me needs to eat, right? On Wednesday I had coffee with a friend. It was a binge eating day. Thursday was OK. I did have two iced coffees and a chocolate bar.

Yesterday I went to a women's training session. It was long but interesting. I had coffee with Kevin. Kevin used to like me, but now - not so mch. We said goodbe and I said, "I don't know what to say." I ended with "Whatever bald guy."

Sometimes guys are confusing.


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Find Your Love....

I'm more than just an option
Hey, Hey, Hey
Refuse to be forgotten
Hey, Hey, Hey
I took a chance with my heart
Hey, Hey, Hey
And I feel it taking over

I better find your love and
I better find your heart
I better find your love and
I better find your heart
I better find your love and
I better find your heart

I bet if I give all my love
Then nothings gonna tear us apart
I’m more than just a number
Hey, Hey, Hey
I doubt you’ll find another
Hey, Hey, Hey
So every single summer
Hey, Hey, Hey
I be the one that you remember (Drake)

Too much food...

i have eaten like a horse today...breakfast was fine. oatmeal is safe. i had a bagel, a huge cookie, a muffin, a slice of poppy seed cake and two iced coffees...eek! it's a beautiful day. I'm doing why all the food????????? i can't undo it. I've got to let go...tomorrow is a new day.

I'm off to my women's group. life goes on.


Monday, June 14, 2010

Sitting in God's house...

I went to church yesterday. The topic was money and generosity. Ironically, (or not!) the church is behind in their finances. The pastor discussed tithing, which means giving one tenth of your whole income to the church. I didn't know people did things on such a grand scale. Then again, I am a new church goer. Remember I mentioned a lady who befriended me a few weeks ago? Let's call her Ellen. Ellen arrived late to church yesterday and found me in the one accessible spot. I smiled politely and mouthed hello. She mentioned for me to move. I moved to the farthest possible corner. She gave me a dirty look. Sorry Ellen. Come to church early....whatever. I will fight her every week if I must.

My friend Des said:

I am tired of pertending I'm OK being alone. I'm not as tough and independent as I seem....I don't want to be by myself forever but I don't want look after another person for the rest of my life either. I want to find someone who makes me feel looked after too.

I understand what Des is saying. I feel the same way. I'm confused. I like to think God is looking after me - no matter where I'm sitting in church.


Sunday, June 13, 2010

Lazy soccer/family/pizza party...

Yesterday I went home to visit Cole and my family. We watched the world cup and ate pizza. Cole wasn't in the best spirits. He was always hungry. Maybe he is growing...Watching people in my family hold Cole is the best. Everyone goes all mushy and soft around him - even my macho brother. I kissed Cole four times. He was wearing a sky blue onesie. He's the cutest baby EVER. My sister is looking pregnant. She enjoyed holding Cole, which is a good thing. It's a wee bit late for her to decide she doesn't like babies.

It rained and was quite yucky outside so it was a good day for a TV/Cole/family pizza afternoon. I think England won, but I could be wrong. I came home and watched the movie Valentine's Day with Mom. It was a total chick flick, but I really liked it. Right now I'm all about cheeziness. Could that be why my jeans are too tight?


Saturday, June 12, 2010

Crime, cake, and cuteness....

On Thursday I had a boring meeting. Exhausted from lack of sleep the night before, I was not in good spirits. Even my attendant could tell. Before the meeting, a co-worker was teased for eating a cupcake for breakfast. When the secretary came in take minitues, no one except me said hi to her. Rude, huh? I went to my appointment and ate a Timothy's Smarties cookie and a frappicuno for dinner. In the evening, I saw author Scott Turrrow speak. He's an American lawyer and criminal writer whose latest book is called Innocent. I've never read any of his books, but I enjoyed listening to him. He said, "The commission of a crime is the ultimate form of imagination." Most of the people at the interview had grey hair....I was glad I went. My attendant said my "Cheeks are looking plumper." Of course her comment bothers me, but I'm not going to go a crazy crash diet.

Yesterday I met my friend Des at the market. We had lunch and went to Starbucks. We both tried iced green tea. Mine tasted like perfume. I don't think I would get it again. Coming home, my tire went flat just as I entered the lobby. That's ideal timing. A friendly techinician was able to fix it without taking me out my wheelchair. Tired and needing a treat, I went to Timothys for vanilla tea and poppyseed cake. I love my closest Timothys. It's full of cute men, which is almost as sweet as poppyseed cake.


Friday, June 11, 2010

I'm grateful for...

* A good sleep

* Lazy days with friends

* The Observer

* grilled vegetable pitas

* trendy coffee shops

* free city events

* punctual wheelchair repairs

* chocolate chip muffins

* the beginning of a new day


Wednesday, June 09, 2010


It rained and was damp and cold My friend Des forgot to meet me at the market. The bagel lady introduced herself.

I am staring at a cute guy. He looks like Adam Lambert. He's probably gay. He's VERY cute...My hormones are crazy. Something has been unleased.

I am so thankful for the Observer. We had a heart-to-heart talk. I hope he will tell me his dating tales. It might be a tad awkward but I care.....

Today I drank raspberry ribos tea. It was good, but I need coffee.


Monday, June 07, 2010

I'm grateful for...

* Friday night plans

* Being excited

* The timothy's coffee shop under the bridge

* Rain

* kisses

* Vegan pizza

* Feeling connected to life and people

* Cole's gassy smiles

* Captain Crunch cereal

* The taste of mint

* Peanut butter cookies

* The subway



"Even brightness takes getting used to if our eyes are accustomed to dark."

I swore I would never be one of those girls, but maybe I am. I am doubting myself....argh! Over thinking doesn't help....Let it be.

On Satuday night, I went to the market. Usually they are out of pumpernickel bagels on the weekend, but I got lucky. Feeling down, I had a spur-of-the-moment coffee date with my good friend. I needed a good girl talk. I got one over red, chamomile, caramel tea. It tasted a bit like medicine. I made my friend laugh....I got caught in the rain coming home.

Yesterday I went home to celebrate my brother-in-law's birthday. There was major traffic. I was late for my second ride, but got lucky when the driver came later. Waiting gave me time to pick up a Gap gift certificate from my brother-in-law. Cole was already in my brother-in-law's arms when I arrived. It was their first meeting. From the looks of things, they enjoyed hanging out. Mom made hamburgers, salmon burgers, veggie burgers and tuna burgers. She tried a new recipe for orso salad. It was yummy.

My brother-in-law's birthday cake is always chocolate. It's a hit every year. I always have two pieces. I hope my brother-in-law enjoyed his cake. I did.


Friday, June 04, 2010

I'm back....

It's amazing i'm the reason
Everybody fired up this evening
I'm exhausted barely breathing
Holding on to what i believe (Amazing by Kayne West)

The sun is shining in full force today AND it's Friday! My sunburned arms have started peeling. Nasty, isn't it? My morning was a bit emotional. My favourite attendant told me that there was a time when her co-workers were very concerned for my health. She told me that a few cried. Hearing this made ME cry. I hate worrying anyone. Six months ago, I wouldn't have believed I was causing any harm to myself. People around said they were worried, but all I cared about was being thin. When your mission is narrow, your whole life becomes narrow with it. Everthing in my life is wider now - including my stomach, hips, thighs and chest. More important though, so is my interest in living my best life. I'm back now.
Last night I barlely slept, but I'm in good spirits. I watched the music channel for most of the night. I have a new addiction to the tune Find Your Love by Drake. It's groovy.... I like Amazing by Kayne West too. It's old, but still good.

I went to the market for a pumpernickel bagel this morning. It's my new favourite lunch. I'm excited for the weekend. Tonight I'm visiting a friend who I love hanging out with. You know those people who make you feel alive and invigorated? That's how I feel when I see my friend. Free bottles of Eska spring water were being given away on the city's main street. Who doesn't like free water?

I could have missed so much - like the sweet chewiness of a pumpernickel bagel and a refreshing sip of free water.


Thursday, June 03, 2010

Life on the brighter side...

All winter we got carried

Away over on the rooftop

let's get married

All summer we just hurried

so come over, just be patient, and don't worry

So come over, just be patient, and don't worry

So come over, just be patient, and don't worry

And don't worry.

(Death And All His Friends by Coldplay)

It has been a grey, rainy day. The rain started yesterday afternoon. After dinner, I craved coffee, so I got one from my closest Timothys. I left and got back during the heaviest downpour. When the need for coffee strikes, I will go for it, even if I get soaked.

Today I drove to my weekly appointment. Initially, I didn't feel like going, but once I got there, I was alright. I was late. My doctor didn't mind. Sometimes I get the feeling she knows I would rather not see her. She's glad to see me period. I stopped at Lowblaws and bought a big golden delicious apple. It was yummy, but I was still craving something sweet. I went to Timothy's and bought a Smarties cookie. I've been eying it for weeks. My friend told me that Timothys and the nearby LCBO used to be a train station. I love that area.

Parts of life are sweet. I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. My rules, routines and plans and are more relaxed. I cut myself slack and let go of yesterday's mistakes. I crave chocolate and closeness. I laugh. I am daydreaming of long, intimate talks and lingiering kisses. Full moons are enticing.

I notice my surroundings. There is a guy wearing a brown wig not far away. He makes me laugh. Good things have always been around me, but now I pay closer attention.


Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Catching drips of joy...

It's a bit grey out there today. My whole week has been lazy. Yesterday I ran errands. I must remember to pick up my pills from the drugstore tonight. I had a nice lunch at the market yesterday. I ate a multi grain bagel surrounded by picnic tables, people and pigions. Afterward, I bought a Tim Hortons iced cappuccino. I don't think it was made with milk, but I'm learning to let some things go. The iced cappuccino was good. Starbucks frappicunos are over-priced.

I went to Tuesday night's women's group. We're almost finished The Secret Things of God. The book was simple and powerful. There was a cute lady who I think has a developmental delay....she's sweet. Prayer request went overtime and I almost missed my night booking. While everyone was asking for God's hand in worldly ways, I was thinking, "For the love of God, please hurry and finish praying so that I can go home and pee!" He must have heard me because I did.

I repeated lunch at the market today. I watched a group of little boys cheering on another boy eating an ice cream cone and telling him to "catch the drips." Kids find joy in anything.

"Please God, remind me to pick up my pills." We'll see if he hears..


Tuesday, June 01, 2010


A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day,
drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As
they talked about life, about marriage, about the
responsibilities of life and the obligations of
adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her
glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance
upon her daughter.

" Don't forget your Sisters,' she advised, swirling
the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll
be more important as you get older. No matter how
much you love your husband, no matter how much you
love the children you may have, you are still going
to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.'

'Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women...
your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other
women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.'

What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman
thought. Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'

But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about.

As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life.

After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:

Time passes.

Life happens.

Distance separates.

Children grow up.

Jobs come and go.

Love waxes and wanes.

Men don't do what they're supposed to do.

Hearts break.

Parents die.

Colleagues forget favors.

Careers end.


Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how
many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life
will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening onyour behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out.

Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!

The world wouldn't be the same without women, and
neither would I. When we began this adventure called
womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or
sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

Every day, we need each other still.