Friday, December 28, 2012

I'm grateful for....

* a sweet, peaceful Christmas
* my mom finally getting medication for pneumonia
* Cole saying "I love you" at exactly the right moment
* seeing Skylar and Hannah open gifts on Christmas morning
* Mom and Dad for thinking of me
* my new picture of Cole sitting on my kitchen table
* being alive and having things to be grateful for
* Katherine's candle in a jar

 Here's a glimpse of Christmas Day. Happy Holidays!!!


Sunday, December 23, 2012

Merry Christmas Eve Eve!

It's been a very relaxed two days. Yesterday I went grocery shopping and bought vegetables with a grocery store gift card. The company (Tobias House Inc.) that provides my attendant care gave it to me. Isn't that sweet? Thank you Tobias House. I love grocery store gift cards. They are so practical!

The movie theater beside my apartment was playing the movie A Christmas Story. I was a bit late, but saw most of it. The main character had so much mischief in him, I couldn't help but think of my brother, Jeff and nephew, Cole. All three boys have blond hair. Later, I saw a Christmas performer sing songs and blow bubbles. Little kids were screaming with excitement and that made me excited!

Speaking of little kids, Skylar cracked me up. I went home on Friday for blood work. Later, Skylar came to make gingerbread cookies. I was in the bathroom when she walked in and asked, "Are you finished?" I told her "Yes" and she said, "Wait right there! Don't move...." I heard the cupboard door in the kitchen open and Skylar came back holding an M & M. She's being toilet trained and gets rewarded for success with an M & M. Clearly, the girl knows my history of digestive issues and thinks I deserve a prize for sucess. Actually, it's probably more likely, that to kids, success is success and it doesn't matter how old we are.  Kids don't judge and that's why I love them.

I read I Feel Bad About My Neck by Nora Ephron. She was such a funny, gifted writer. The world misses her creativity. One of her expressions made me laugh. Today I tweeted, I spend so much time writing that I'm a "mouse potato."  

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I'm going to church and then taking the subway home. Christmas Eve feels so sacred. 

I heard this song last night and fell in love:

   Merry Christmas Eve Eve!


Thursday, December 13, 2012

A BIG much....

If we tell my two-year-old niece Skylar that "We love you {her} very much" she says, "A BIG much!" My Mom texted me today and said, "We love you very much - A BIG much!" Her text made me smile.  Yesterday I brought cupcakes home for my parents and Cole. He wanted to lick the icing off of every cupcake. He chose a blue cupcake with white sprinkles - very Cole. I tried half a lemon and a red velvet cupcake. They are DELICIOUS! I do prefer a large piece of cake though. The cupcakes got a bit squished but oh well. They are so worth it! Earlier yesterday, I had a sweet chat with my hairdresser while she did my highlights. She's so kind and skilled. I have to say that my hair looks good.

This afternoon I went to my Thursday appointment. As always, our session reaffirmed that I'm doing well. There was a beautiful orchid in my doctor's office. I told my doctor I liked the flower and she agreed. She confessed to buying a grown-your-own Amarillus kit and said the flower never grew. When my sister moved to her first house in Mimico, I bought her an Amerillus. She loved that flower. I was just telling Dad how I'd like to buy my sister a flower to say thank you for the picture and microwave she gave me. He suggested an Amerillius. Maybe my doctor mentioning that flower was a sign that I should buy one for my sister. On the way home, a group of teenagers was blocking the sidewalk. Realizing they were inconveniencing me, a teenage girl said, "Sorry Home-girl." Lots of people have called me lots of names but never "Home-girl"

A little while ago, I went Starbucks with a friend. Before coming home, we checked out a massive gingerbread house at Loblaws. I told her how I was shopping last Sunday when Santa yelled from inside the gingerbread house, "Hey! Hey lady! How fast does your wheelchair go?" Oh Santa! My friend got a new job and we each celebrated with a raspberry chocolate cake pop. I liked it very much - a BIG much!   


Mittens & Walls.....

Mittens by Carly Rae Jepsen

Walls by Sultan & Ned Shepard (featuring Quilla)

Happy listening!


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I'm grateful for....

* The person who remembered me on the bus on Saturday
* The subway for getting me home safely
* The LOBLAWS guy who helped me buy vegetables tonight
* Monica for weighing me and not sharing the number
* The Polish repairman who fixed my wheelchair tonight
* Aleen and Iownie for coming outside of my booking


Sunday, December 09, 2012

hold on, but let go?

Is it harder to hold on or let go?

Help me God. I want to be happy and free, but everything is different now.

I'm fatter too.

Tomorrow I'll wake up and start a new day.

Maybe nothing will change, but I have time and not everyone does.

I'm letting go of today. It's the only way to embrace tomorrow.


Saturday, December 08, 2012

A box of chocolates later....

Eating a whole box of chocolates at midnight is NOT awesome. Knowing I've binged before and survived is awesome. 

I'm going to remember:

 I may struggle, but life always goes on.


Wednesday, December 05, 2012

All things awesome....

There is an awesome new song called Hey Ho by The Lumineers. I love it! If you haven't heard this song, listen:

 Isn't this song awesome? 

Giving peanut butter and red velvet cupcakes to family and friends is awesome. Pasta and vegetables for dinner is awesome. Diet A & W Root Beer is awesome. Sending mail is awesome. Being given a new (and unique) picture from my sister is awesome. My newish microwave from my sister is awesome. My new oak dresser is awesome.

My Dad is awesome.

Some things are just awesome.


Monday, December 03, 2012

Cicles of kindness....

Tonight I got the sweetest surprise. There was a Christmas card and a Starbucks gift card in my mailbox from Des. She said, (she) "is glad we're friends and that it's her favorite part of moving downtown." I love Des.

Yesterday subway service was shut down from Dundas West to Kipling. I didn't know that until I was on my way to Kipling. I got off at Keele, saw a TTC employee, was told to get back on the subway and go to Dundas West. There, a Wheel-trans bus was waiting to take me straight to Kipling. That's pretty sweet service. I spent the day with my parents reading, eating and watching cheesy Christmas movies. 

Tomorrow I get weighed and I know it's WAY up. Being this big BEFORE Christmas makes me nervous. Why did I decide to eat differently? I'm uncomfortable in my skin, but I am no matter what I weigh. Anorexia sucks. Sidenote: sugar plum tea from Celestial Seasons sucks too. It's too sweet. I tried to buy gingerbread tea from Celestial Seasons but my grocery store was sold out. I believe this would be a #firstworldproblem.

Deep down, I am trying to heal. The only way to heal is to be kind to myself. If I'm kind to myself, I'll be kinder to the people who are being so kind to me. Kindness runs in a circle.

Be kind.

- OCG   

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Welcome To Holland....

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland. "When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But, if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

By Emily Perl Kingsley (1987)

Thursday, November 29, 2012


I had my usual Thursday appointment today. My doctor was very pleased about me getting my monthly "friend" back, my eating, and general mindset. She suggested reducing our sessions. Say WHAT?!?! This is exciting! I am inching closer to being recovered!!! It's a bit MANY Thursdays talking and thinking about food. What am I going to do with my craaaazy head?

There is extra "junk" in my trunk, my clothes are tighter and I wish I were skinnier. That never changes and it probably never will. Anorexia sucks. 

Here's the thing: I HAVE to be olay with my body. I want to keep my friends and maybe find someone to kiss one day.  If I'm too small, my life gets really small too.

I am the one who is in control here. Yes, my arse is big, my face is round and my bully bulges, but I am me and I am okay.

- OCG   

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I'm grateful for....

* My mom and dad
* A Christmas wreath on my door
* The flower lady at Loblaws
* Living so close to the library
* The book Far From The Tree
* My health
* potato bread


Monday, November 26, 2012

I'm grateful for....

* Skylar and Cole sitting on my lap
* warm Ugg boats
* pumpkin Pop Tarts
* surprise dinner plans with perogies and cheesecake
* geeting my period back
* my Mom and Dad wanting to give me the gift of cable and respecting my "no."
* peppermint M & Ms
* the subway
* ears that listen
* straws
* my will to recover
* Streetsville Santa Clause Parade
* laughter


Thursday, November 22, 2012

The days of our lives....

My Dad told my Mom that "Lately, all of our family events feel like the soap opera Days Of Our Lives". I laughed. Dad is right. We have had a broken engagement, marital troubles and cheating. It's all very dramatic.

Today was beautiful weather. It was sunny and warm. The trip to my Thursday appointment was pleasant. I bought myself a coffee on the way home. It's been a four coffee week for me. That's splurging. My two little Christmas trees were assembled on Tuesday. They make my apartment feel cozy. I can't wait for the new blinds to be fully put up! Dad fixed my printer. I'm such a lucky daughter.

I'm reading Dear Life by Alice Munro. So far, it's intriguing. I saw Andrew Solomon and Lloyd Robertson at the library this week. They were both interesting conversations. Andrew Solomon said, "In getting rid of the dragons, we risk getting rid of the heroes too."

So,with this idea of opposites in mind, since there has been so much drama in my family, does that mean peace will follow soon? I hope so.

- OCG  

Don't wake me up....

Too much light in this window, don't wake me up
Only coffee no sugar, inside my cup
If I wake and you're here still, give me a kiss
I wasn't finished dreaming, about your lips

"Don't wake me up" by Chris Brown

What if no one ever kisses me again?  

What if I never fall in love again?
What if I can never fully let go again?
What if no one ever makes me feel understood again?
What if I never hold a man's hand again?
What if no one ever places his hand on my back again?
What if no one ever holds me tightly and promises to protect me again?
What if no one ever wants to meet my family again?
What if no one ever wants to talk to me until 3:00  a.m. again?
What if no one ever lets me wipe my runny nose in his shirt again?
What if no one ever feels like my best friend in the world again?
What if I never get another chance to love again?

Then don't wake me up.


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I'm grateful for....

* New blinds
* My Christmas Trees
* Seeing Andrew Solomon at the Library
* The ability to buy bread, apples and flowers
* My Mom and Dad
* Being different


Monday, November 19, 2012

I'm grateful for....

* All the stupid advice I get that makes me laugh
* That my very first friend in the world is still my truest friend
* The dream I woke up from that a cute guy touched my arm and kissed me
* Coffee with April
* People magazine
 * The Sad Maroon 5 Lyrics: 

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

* My fuzzy brown winter boats


Sunday, November 18, 2012

I'm grateful for....

* The excited kids on the subway this morning going to The Santa Clause Parade
* Two cups of coffee in the morning
* Rice Krispy Squares made with pumpkin marshmallows
* My grandfather blinking at me and saying "yes" at exactly the right time
*  Mushroom Bibinbop
* American Music Awards
* Sam the taxi driver
* My grandma

Saturday, November 17, 2012

I'm grateful for...

* Strudel samples from the St. Lawrence Market
* The beautiful weather we had today
* The ability to give gifts to loved ones
* Seeing Fireworks at Cavalcade Of Lights tonight
*Hearing Susie Mcneil perform
*The sweet guy who helped me fight crowds to get to the street
* Seeing Greg and Karen
* Talking to Cole on the phone 


Friday, November 16, 2012

I'm grateful for....

* Friday calmness
* How refreshing grapefruit for breakfast can be
* My OLD friends
* My ringing phone
* The sweet guy in the grocery store
* being engrossed in a good book 
* Kleen Prep
* My Mom


Thursday, November 15, 2012

I'm grateful for....

* The funky girl I saw on the street today who looked like Lights and was wearing the rainbow clothes
* How hard I laughed today
* My Dad who surprised me and took me to Richtree for dinner
* The gooey, cheesy pasta we ate
* Carolyn who kissed my cheek
* The winter reindeer scene on Yonge Street 
*Pumpkin oatmeal
* My crazy, beautiful city
* My black, "puff Daddy" jacket


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I'm grateful for....

* My red framed glasses that actually fit me now
* Eggnog coffee from Timothys
* people with patience
* the pimple on my face that proves my "female" friend is coming
* that no one is sick or dying
* The world that never stops moving


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

There's something in the water.....

There is something black in the water. Three out of four siblings in my family are broken-hearted. My twin brother just caught his wife having an affair. They have been married just over a year. They were set to move into a new house this week. The move is postponed. I am so sad for my brother. He doesn't deserve the hurt. The pressure of moving drove a wedge between my brother and his wife. I guess she needed an outlet. My brother saw her going into another man's apartment and read explicit texts. I cannot imagine....he's very angry. I still love my sister-in-law and hope they work it out.

My older brother and his wife go up and down. They have had a good few days. I'm happy for them. The good times might not last, but it's important to be grateful.


Facebook sucks. Twitter sucks. Love sucks.


Monday, November 12, 2012

I'm grateful for...

* My Mom
* Target
* Wendy
* Hannah's smiles
* Hannah grabbing her toy between her two little fists
* Telling Skylar "We ALL poop in the bath."
* Sunday breakfast at Tim Hortons with Dad
* My Grandma for giving me an extra squeeze with her hug
* Pumpkin pancakes
* My Dad for telling me to "buck up"
* My new book The Unlikely Pilgrimage Of Harold Frey
* Tammy
* weekends
* time
* Des


Monday, November 05, 2012

I'm grateful for.....

* no rain today

* an amazing sleep

* April

* Seeing my niece Hannah hold my brother's collar while sleeping

* Skylar turning two!

* Pumpkin coffee

* Being here to see the season's change

* Cole who asked where The Observer was

* being able to buy new soyamilk

* late night coffee dates with friends  

* Being 30


Thursday, November 01, 2012


I have a very sad story to tell. I'm no longer engaged. This was not my choice. I have lost the great love of my life. I cannot quite understand why. Already I'm tired of guessing. My mind goes in circles. I'm so tired. What happened?  Where do I go from here? I'm so very, very sad. God has a plan....I have to believe that.

Last week at this time, I was saying goodbye to The Observer. We had a fun night. Now he is gone. I don't understand. Sometimes it hurts to breath. Everything and out.


Saturday, October 27, 2012

Rainy Saturday....

The sound of rain hitting the window is becoming familiar. October and November are known for rain. There's a song called November Rain isn't there? Today I am going to Joe's (my future brother-law's) house to celebrate the birthday of the Observer's Mom. I've not seen her since calling off the engagement party. I feel lucky to be included in her birthday. I need to take two buses to get to Joe's house. I will be in a lighter wheelchair. I'm nervous. At Easter when I traveled in the taxi, I flipped over. Thankfully I wasn't hurt. There are lots of family birthdays now. After visiting the Observer's family tonight, I'm going to stop by a restaurant to celebrate our 30th birthdays (my twin brother, my sister-in-law and myself) . I'm not a big party lover, so I'm just as happy to show up late. Small family dinners are more my style.....

Tomorrow my family is having dinner. As usual, my Mom is making my twin brother's favourite German Chocolate cake. My cake will be pumpkin cheesecake. It's a new recipe that I'm excited to try. My Mom is the best. She always makes birthday dinners special. Monday will be spent withe Observer. The plan is to go to Hot House Cafe and have stuffed chicken, mashed potatoes and chocolate cake. We'll see how brave I feel and how the weather holds up for our trek. The back-up plan is to see The Art Of Being A Wallflower. Whatever happens, we'll be together.

My actual birthday is on Tuesday. Since the Observer is working, Mom asked me if I wanted to come home. There is a part of my head that is freaking out about all the food that is ahead. Tuesday could be my chance to eat "cleanly" all alone. The other side of my head knows that Mom is having a cardiology appointment and it might be helpful if I were there to talk. I always worry about Mom and her heart....I've wasted so much time and energy worrying about food. I love my Mom more than my eating worries.

Next Sunday, my niece turns two and the Observer's Dad turns sixty four. Being in two places at once is impossible. We'll figure our plans out. There is so much love and celebrating. Life is short and it's times like these that make it count.

I'm out of the rain and grateful for that right now.


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Fall leaves and treats...

I'm tired and my stomach hurts. On the upside, it's fall and I love this time of year! The leaves crunching and changing colours make me hopeful.  Tonight I went to a meeting. It was kind of boring, but going made me feel productive. I'm on the Tobias House Board of Directors. Tobias House is the organization that provides my help with physical tasks I cannot do independently. Shockingly, I ate a veal sandwich. I haven't had veal in ages. It was yummy. We had a rainy bout here, but today was clear. 

I keep thinking about butternut squash soup and pumpkin cheesecake.  Food, food, food, get OUT of my head! My doctor says I wouldn't be so obsessed with fall treats if I were properly nourished.....I know that.

I am excited to be turning 30 in six days. I feel lucky - not old.


Saturday, October 20, 2012

A year from now....

Tonight it's raining. I can hear the raindrops hitting the windowpane. The cars are swooshing by on the slick, wet roads.

I spent the day chilling. The morning started with a chocolate banana Vitatop and a coffee. I went to Timothys and had a Belgian Chocolate coffee. I bought peanut butter and cookies and cream cupcakes for my Dad. Lunch was a pumpernickel bagel. Dad came and painted my bathroom tiles. We went to Loblaws and shared potato bread for dinner. He told me I loved healthy. My brain says "fat" but whatever. It's been a day filled with bread and sweets, but no gum, which is refreshing.

I called off an engagement party. I know The Observer's Mom is hurt. She only wants the best for her son and myself. In my heart though, I didn't feel it was necessary. I don't want anything to minimize our wedding day.

Exactly a year from today, the Observer and I will be married. If it's rainy just like it is now, I'll still be the happiest girl in the world.


Wednesday, October 03, 2012

The Great Escape & This One Is For You...

When I'm feeling like checking out of this thing we call life and feel so tired of pushing forward, I remember:

This one is for me.


Saturday, September 22, 2012

I'm grateful for....

* The first Saturday of Fall 2012

* The way my attendant Betty does my hair

* Pumpkin coffee from Timothys

* Living so close to Carlton Cinema

* Not feeling so hungry anymore

* The sun shining

* Tobias Board meetings

* Pizza

* How talking about my experiences can help others

* Laughing with the Observer

* The satisfaction of finishing a book

* Watching the people outside my sun room window who look dressed for Halloween

* Being able to spend the night in my childhood bed

* The way I feel when the Observer hugs me

* Knowing how to take the subway

Enjoy your weekend!


Friday, September 21, 2012

Imagine Dragons - It's Time

We went to see To Rome With Love today. Being a Woody Allen movie, I knew it would be unique. The beginning was funny, but the plot got too confusing.

I tweeted,  I wasn't in love with the movie "To Rome With Love." Halfway through, I ditched it for cheese pizza and mousse. #choppyplot

There's a new movie coming out called The Perks Of Being A Wallflower.

Here's a song from the trailer.

Happy fall!

- OCG 

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Fire at my building....

We had a horrible evening at my apartment building last night.  You can read about it here.

My heart goes out to my attendants and the guy who died. He was infamous for drugs and street activity. He followed trouble. He liked to make small talk with me. A few hours before he died, I came home and he saw me in the building lobby. He said he could "smell the hot peppers" (from the sub hanging on the back of his wheelchair). He told me he loved hot peppers and I told him I did too. Little did he know the worst kind of heat would soon claim his life.

I was there when attendants came into their lounge screaming that the guy had burned to death. I saw them crying. I was there when firemen burst through the building and told us to get out. My wheelchair controller got pushed out of my reach, so I was blocking the entrance until an attendant helped me.

We stayed outside for three hours. It felt like a bad dream. The guy who died never did things simply. He went down in the news on September 11. 

R.I.P dude.

- OCG  

Monday, September 10, 2012

A lot of sweetness....

I had a great weekend. I went to women's group on Friday and watched My Week With Marilyn. I've seen the move before but still enjoyed it. I asked for more dessert when no one else did. I was embarrassed, I've been so hungry lately. What's up with this body? Later I stopped off for prickly pear tea. It was disappointing but warmed me up. I ran into a former friend and we made awkward small talk...

The next day Dad came over. Everything had to be moved for the painter. Now, with freshly painted walls,  it was time to put my belongings back into place. We had a short visit. For months now, I've been agonizing over thinking I accidentally threw out a friend's CDs. I even e-mailed my friend and apologized for not being able to find her CDs. While moving things, my Dad found them. I was so happy I almost cried!  

After saying goodby to Dad, I took the subway to the bus station. From there, I got another ride to visit the Observer at his apartment. We ate dinner and someone we encountered made a stupid triggering comment. I'm ashamed to say how much it affected me. Whatever. I've never been fat and never plan to be. If I do get fat, all that will change is my clothing size. Life will go on. I watched Sex In The 2 at my parents' that night. The movie wasn't any different for the first one or the show. It was light but oddly comforting - kind of like Disney movies.

On Sunday morning, Mom made me chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. I even had syrup with them. They were so yummy. Later, the Observer and I met his parents at an Italian festival downtown. We stopped at a Sicilian Sidewalk Cafe for coffees, sandwiches and desserts. I had a delicious canolli. We saw accordion players and dancers. It was fun. Before heading home, we went to the same cafe for ice cream. I had the best chocolate gelato of my life. There was not much room in my schedule or tummy for fruit and vegetables that day. Amazingly, I didn't care. Food isn't everything, but it can be a part of having fun.

I'm so tired tonight. Summer is ending. I'm excited to see the leaves change. Watching leaves change colour always gives me hope. I can change too.


Sunday, September 02, 2012

Ellen Degeneres on eating popcorn at the movies...

The Observer and I watched Ellen on DVD at our friend Danielle's apartment last night. This clip about eating popcorn made us all laugh. It's so true! Enjoy your popcorn at the movies!


I will stop when I'm full....

For the past week, I have been binging. I've talked about binging before. It's excessive over-eating. For instance, one night I ate seven granola bars after dinner. Binging, for me, is a response to feeling hungry, tired, deprived or all of those things. It sucks. When binging gets really out of control, I wake up in a cold sweat. I was advised this happens from raising my metabolic rate. It's definitely a shock to my system and not in a good way. 

Last night we had dinner at home. I had my Mom's mac and cheese and I was full. We went out for dessert with friends and I ordered a very tiny brownie. I was not satisfied, so I had a restaurant version of a Joe Louis. It was a large piece of chocolate cake smothered in whipped, cream and red velvet cake. I was full afterwards, but still manged to finished the Observer's cookie dessert. At our friends house, I finished off a whole bag of Rice Krispy squares. I binge in full view of friends. There are strong urges inside me. I feel better that I paid for my food. If I'm going to binge, at least the Observer didn't pay for it. All this eating makes me feel awful. I don't know how much weight I've gained. I'm scared. What if I get back to my heaviest weight? Ugh. I've enjoyed fitting into smaller clothes over the summer, but those days might be over. I'm wearing tights today. They stretch.....

It's Labour Day weekend and gorgeous outside. I'm going home today to visit my family. Seeing Hannah and Skylar will be sweet - my beautiful girls. The Observer and I got engaged a year ago. It was such an exciting, special period. I'm still very happy about getting married. However, I want to treat my body better. I want to stop feeding it when it's full.

The painter is almost done painting my apartment. The sunroom is yellow. I love it. It's called Newborn. The curtains are off the window and I get to see everything that goes on outside. Curtains are physically difficult for me to pull back,so they often get in my way. No curtains makes for easy viewing. Privacy will be best, but, for now, it's a refreshing change.

I hope to have a better week eating wise. I will treat my body kindly, which means I will stop eating when I'm full. Happy Labour Day weekend. Be kind to your body. I will try to do the same!


Thursday, August 23, 2012

I'm grateful for....

* the chance to talk to an old friend last night

* the ability to forgive

* my second niece Hannah being born today

* my attendant Carolyn

* peaches

* my sister being a Mom again

* The Observer for understanding how uncomfortable it is for me to feel fat

* my sister-in-law Katherine

* Grey's Anatomy on DVD

* that my dietician quit and I won't be getting a replacement

* my Mom and Dad

* Tomorrow

*The picture below of Skylar today



Neice #2!

Meet Hannah Joan Ladner Burgess! Born on Aug. 23rd at 7:54am weighing 8 lbs 6 oz.
Isn't she beautiful? We'll meet tomorrow!
Happy Birthday Hannah!
Love, Auntie "OCG." XOXO

Monday, August 20, 2012

Starving Secrets Michelle/Lauren

This clip is from the show Starving Secrets. Starving Secrets has generated a lot of talk among people who struggle with eating disorders. Though Tracy Gold is dramatic,  I enjoy the show because it's real. I understand the pain and obstacles.  The clip of Lauren made me sob, especially around 4:45. I have felt the same determination as Lauren to not give in to the destructive whisper. Pizza is food, but for some, pizza can be so bittersweet.


Thursday, August 09, 2012

Taking it in....

There was a Caribbean festival this past weekend in the city. It's a few days of music, floats, and dare I say, violence. Locals (like me) are not interested. We know it can get dangerous.

My newly painted bedroom looks great! It's Batman blue. I hope the Observer likes it! We chose a taupe colour for the kitchen and living room. The sun-room is being re-painted orange. Orange makes my heart happy. The painter  is awesome. She's conscious and into repairing holes.  On the weekend I  finished the book The House I Loved by Titanna De Rosnay. It was sweet and mysterious. Now I'm going to go back to reading Big Girl by Danielle Steel. The book belongs to my Mom and has been on my shelf for years. I want to read it because I stare at the book all the time...It's chic literature. There's a place for that in my life, especially during summer.

The Observer came over on Saturday. We ate dinner. Well, I ate his pasta plus my bagel with peanut butter and jam. I was in a "stuff my face" kind of mood. I ate a Resse cup and wanted more food. We spilt a bag of Twizzlers while watching Celeste And Jesse Forever and Part Of Me. I LOVED Celeste And Jesse Forever. The characters were hilarious and the ending was realistic. I'm a sucker for sleeper hits. The Katy Perry documentary was fine. I'm ambivalent about her.

I spent Simcoe day with my family. My sister is ready to pop with baby #2! She and her family have moved in with my parents until their new house is ready. It's cute, but I'm still attached to their old house. I guess the new house will grow on me... We went to see my grandparents. Grandpa winked at me. I met my Grandma's neice Anna. She was funny.

On Tuesday I got weighed and went to my women's group. I'm up two and half pounds in three weeks. I'm okay. Somewhere inside, I knew I needed to gain a bit of weight. My doctor was tired of me consistently losing. Now I just want to live my life. Isn't that what we all want?

Today was rainy. I met up with Observer at the mall. We bumped into my friend Christina and her Mom. Christina and I had a long talk yesterday. I've been avoiding her because I think I accidentally threw away CDs belonging to her Mom. Poor Christina thought I wanted to end our friendship. I confessed to her about the CDs and we're okay now....phew!

I just read this tweet from author Geneen Roth:  As you go through the day today, ask yourself this question: What's NOT wrong? Notice it. Take it in. Allow yourself to be filled.

I am inside my cozy apartment after seeing my fiance, my friend forgave me, and I will soon be closing my eyes to sleep. What's wrong with any of that? Nothing. It's all good.


Monday, August 06, 2012

Esthero & Tegan & Sara

Never Gonna Let You Go by Esthero

Where Does The Good Go? by Tegan and Sara

Friday, July 27, 2012

A fun week...

My apartment is getting re-painted right now. Coleen (my dad's friend and co-worker) is doing the job. I'm excited! The bedroom is first. It's a different shade of blue.

The past week was busy. It was the Observer's parents' 40th wedding anniversary. Joe and Gisa (The Observer's brother and his wife) had a surprise BBQ. Close family and old friends came. I tried a pulled pork sandwich which was yummy. Pulled pork seems to be the sandwich of the summer. The Observer's niece hung a sign with 40 rings on it to symbolize each year of her grandparents marriage. Diya is such a thoughtful girl.

On Monday we went to the Coldplay concert. What a great evening and show! Before the concert we had dinner at Hot House Cafe. I had salmon on spinach salad and garlic crostini. The Observer had anti-pasto, sausage penne and we shared chocolate cake. Everything was delicious! Emeli Sande and Marina And The Diamonds opened. I enjoyed Emeli Sande singing Next To Me. We wore wristbands that lit the venue up! Near the end, the band switched spots and performed from the middle of the audience. I got so excited I peed my pants, but it was worth it!

My aunt Cheryl is having treatment for cancer at Princess Margaret Hospital. She staying at the Hospital Lodge just a block from my apartment. Dad and I took her out to dinner at Cafe California on Church Street. She's understandably lonely, but seems to be in good spirits. My aunt is reading Melissa Fung's Under An Afghan Sky. The book is about the author being held captive in a hole for a month. I read the same book and saw Melissa Fung speak at the library. Her story moved me. Ms. Fung's ordeal showed me that, if you can live in a hole, you can live through anything. Maybe my aunt needs the encouragement and escapism from her own fight to survive. Our dinner made my Tuesday a good one.

My friend Danielle came by for a mid-week coffee. We went to Timothy's. She came over afterwards and waited for the rain to slow. There is a pretty purple plant on my table from Danielle. I'm enjoying it. Drinking my water last night, I dumped a bit into the plant. The flowers looked thirsty! I went to my Thursday appointment yesterday. Our session was hard. All the eating out has been rough. I'm heavier and it bothers me, but it always does. On my way home, a lady walking beside me stopped and offered a homeless man sushi. He gratefully accepted. The whole exchange made me smile. The man must have a diverse palette. People are kind.

Enjoy your last weekend in July!


Monday, July 23, 2012

I'm grateful for...

* my mom's classy sense of style
* my new blue and white stripped sun-dress
* jalapeno and cheddar Combos
* the ability to sleep at my parents' house
* rhubarb loaf
* The Observer''s parents' 40th wedding anniversary BBQ
* pulled pork sandwiches
* my dad for being my dad
* cheesecake mousse tarts
* the Coldplay concert tomorrow

Cheers to a new week!