Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Do you ever KNOW in your gut that something is a bad idea - that it won't end well, but you do it for the slight chance that things might turn out OK? Such was my afternoon. I made plans to meet my friend C. She lives quite far away. She asked if we could meet at a mall convenient for her. I said yes even though I wanted to say, "No, it's too far, I don't have a lot of time, can we meet halfway. I said yes to make her happy, even though I was resentful. She can hop on the train or easily get a ride from her Mom. I have to transfer buses from one perfectly good mall to another, spend time waiting, pay an extra fare and miss opportunities for care/meal prep. She is physically independent. I am not.
How is this fair? I KNEW it wasn't but I didn't have the guts to say that. My first bus ran late, I missed my connecting ride and hung out at the connecting spot alone for three hours. I texted my friend and told her the deal. I'm pretty sure she's mad at me for bailing, but it's not like I MEANT to miss my bus. I should never have said I'd meet her under such complicated circumstances. Don't agree to something I know I cannot do just to comply. In the end, I'll be disappointed and resentful. I told C I'd call her, but I'm going to wait...I don't feel like being told off......Maybe tomorrow.
My evening was pleasant. I got German chocolate cake coffee, browsed, ate a wrap and tried some Red Velvet frozen yogurt. It was YUMMY. I thought about having the frozen yogurt for dinner and skipping the wrap, but I didn't want to binge later. I guess not restricting is comparable to not agreeing to do something I know won't work. In the end, both end up biting me in the arse by causing me to binge or feel as though I let a friend down. I wish it were easier for me to say no. When I don't and I should, I end up hurting myself. My urge to restrict gets stronger. That makes life really hard.
I'm learning to just relax, let things pass and to try new flavors of frozen yogurt.
Monday, January 23, 2012
I'd love to be able to walk but....
I can't and I must learn to do other things.
I'd love cook like my fiance's mother, but
Only she can do that.
I'd love to travel to South Africa but...
I haven't got the money or means to get there.
I'd love to lose weight but...
I'm not willing to risk losing my mind too.
I'd love be more productive tomorrow,
but sometimes being with family matters more.
I'd love to drink three pots of coffee every morning but....
I would spend too much time in the washroom.
I'd love to be a guitar player but....
My fingers don't jive that way.
I'd love to tell some people off but....
I wouldn't feel happy with myself if I did.
I'd love a Starbucks white chocolate cookie but...
I already had grapes.
I'd love to hang out with my friends but....
I'll see them soon.
I'd love to stop thinking so much but....
What would be the purpose of living then?
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Well, we're eight days into 2012. I've got a cold. My head hurts too. Argh. So many complaints! Actually, I'm doing OK. Today I bought some Advil Cold and Sinus. That stuff works. The best ten dollars I've spent in ages. I got a coffee and spent two hours reading in a food court. I asked for milk and two Splendas. It tasted like they dumped ten Splenda in there, but I was too stuffed up to bother going back. There was a time when I would have angrily insisted they remake the whole coffee. I would be convinced they saw me as a fat girl who didn't care that my coffee was loaded with calories. Not anymore. I drank it and got engrossed in my book. I'm just reading "fluff" these days. Books that are easy to fill up on with not a lot of substance. It's a refreshing change.
I don't have much of an appetite. I like this part of being sick. Unlike the past, I have been eating lots of soup, toast and salad. I have Ricolla Sea Berry drops in my purse. They are yummy, but I don't over eat them. That's how I know I'm eating enough "real" food.
Our weather has been fairly tolerable. It's cold, but not frigid. I am a happy girl. I hate when it's freezing. We saw The Descendents last week. What a depressing flick! The whole move is about this family waiting for the death of their mother/wife and daughter after she is in a boating accident. I had this disturbed queezy feeling in my stomach, so I left and looked at this aquarium. The Observed LOVED The Descendents. Since my Mom has a degenerative heart condition, the theme of having to say goodbye the center of the family (the Mom) hit too close to home. Life is full of heartbreak without paying to watch a movie about it. We went out for my favourite vegan pizza afterwards, so that made up for the downer movie.
Adele's album has been in my CD player since May. Tonight I switched it Jack Johnson On And On. I still love Jack. He's catchy, mellow and positive. I am sipping peppermint tea and looking forward to bed. Life is pretty chill and I like that, but a new year has only just started.....