Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Saying no before getting my arse bitten...

Do you ever KNOW in your gut that something is a bad idea - that it won't end well, but you do it for the slight chance that things might turn out OK? Such was my afternoon. I made plans to meet my friend C. She lives quite far away. She asked if we could meet at a mall convenient for her. I said yes even though I wanted to say, "No, it's too far, I don't have a lot of time, can we meet halfway. I said yes to make her happy, even though I was resentful. She can hop on the train or easily get a ride from her Mom. I have to transfer buses from one perfectly good mall to another, spend time waiting, pay an extra fare and miss opportunities for care/meal prep. She is physically independent. I am not.

How is this fair? I KNEW it wasn't but I didn't have the guts to say that. My first bus ran late, I missed my connecting ride and hung out at the connecting spot alone for three hours. I texted my friend and told her the deal. I'm pretty sure she's mad at me for bailing, but it's not like I MEANT to miss my bus. I should never have said I'd meet her under such complicated circumstances. Don't agree to something I know I cannot do just to comply. In the end, I'll be disappointed and resentful. I told C I'd call her, but I'm going to wait...I don't feel like being told off......Maybe tomorrow.

My evening was pleasant. I got German chocolate cake coffee, browsed, ate a wrap and tried some Red Velvet frozen yogurt. It was YUMMY. I thought about having the frozen yogurt for dinner and skipping the wrap, but I didn't want to binge later. I guess not restricting is comparable to not agreeing to do something I know won't work. In the end, both end up biting me in the arse by causing me to binge or feel as though I let a friend down. I wish it were easier for me to say no. When I don't and I should, I end up hurting myself. My urge to restrict gets stronger. That makes life really hard.

I'm learning to just relax, let things pass and to try new flavors of frozen yogurt.

- OCG

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