Monday, February 20, 2012

Family Day....

It's Monday! My weekend was fun. On Friday we hung out with friends at coffee shop. There wasn't time to see The Vow like we planned. I'm more of a coffee shop girl than a movie one so I was just as happy to chat at Tim Hortons. Dinner-time was very late which made me nervous. I don't deal well with being too hungry. I was relieved once I ate a sub and drank a big tea. The conversation was funny and I left smiling.

I spent Saturday with the Observer and his friends. We went to Boston Pizza. There were four of us. One girl was new to me and was very shy. At first, there were awkward silences but gradually everyone relaxed. The Observer's friend Liz, bought us polar ice shots. I am not a drinker because of the calories. I would rather eat cake than drink alcohol. As Liz was about to order the shots, I said, "How many cal.....?" I looked at the Observer and shut my mouth. Sometimes I need to act normally even though my head is spinning with numbers. I tried a sip of the shot and it tasted like chocolate mint. The other girls ate and drank quite a bit. I ate over half of a low-fat spicy chicken personal pizza. It was okay. I wish I could just EAT without worrying. I'm so much better now but that stupid little voice is still lurking....Will it ever be quiet?

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. Mom made prime rib, broccoli and cauliflower casserole, red potatoes, salad, and white chocolate cherry cheesecake. I overate ALL day starting with breakfast. Mom had made Rice Krispy Squares and things kind of went downhill from there.....I tried to focus on my niece and nephew who are talking and walking. I LOVE them more than anything. My brother hugged and kissed the Observer. It was hilarious!         

Well, today is Canada's fifth annual Family Day, a holiday meant to share with those we love. I'm a fan myself. I suppose that I'm a family orientated kind of girl. The plan was to hang out with the Observer, but he had nerve wracking wheelchair problems. I've been there, so I feel his frustration. Hanging out with me here would have been fun. I miss the Observer.

I spent the day chilling inside. It's sunny but cold. Tonight I watched a documentary on Netflix called  Life In A Day that filmed one day around the world. It reminded me of the documentarey Babies but was more interesting....I have tried to enjoy the holiday for what it is. Yesterday's eating shouldn't matter today. Not long ago,  I heard a song by Wiz Khalifa called Young, Wild and Free. I need to remeber these lyrics:

So what we get drunk
So what we don't sleep (smoke weed)
We're just having fun
We don't care who sees
So what we go out  
That's how its supposed to be
Living young and wild and free

Well, I STILL won't get drunk (or smoke weed) and I sleep OK.  Maybe I could use some practice having fun and being young and wild and free. After  all, I am twenty nine years old.

- OCG  

 

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day!

My fiance had to work today. We celebrated his birthday and Valentine's Day on the weekend. I enjoyed the celebrations and dinners. Hopefully he did too. I'm kind of sad and disappointed because my fiance is being a real Valentine's Day smuck. He hates February 14th. Fair enough, but I like it. He says, "Show people you love them every day." I agree, but today is special. I understand my fiance must work and I already got an awesome gift, but that's not what matters. I got one grouchy phone call in the morning. No e-mail or afternoon phone call to say "I love you and I'm thinking about you." I care more about the calls and messages then I do about gifts. It's the thought. Not the price....Maybe I'm sounding ungrateful. I know I have it good. I just felt forgotten today. 

We usually celebrate Feb 14th with dinner and gifts. Hopefully next year. I think acknowledging your loved one is important. Marriage will be exciting and an adjustment. I promise to hold my fiance in the highest regard.

My fiance is using the hash tag:#IHATEVALENTINESDAY BOTTOM LINE

Bottom line: Just because YOU hate Valentine's Day, doesn't mean your wife-to-be does too. I love you, even when you are a Valentine's Day grouch. Wherever you are, Happy Valentine's Day! May you feel love today and every day. I do.

Love,

- OCG   

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

A number.....

Today I got weighed. I was nervous. I KNEW I had gained. My watch, my pants and my wheelchair seat belt are all tighter. I asked the person who weighed me to write down the number and put it in my purse. My doctor doesn't know I do this. She thinks she is the first to tell me my weight on our Thursday sessions. Whatever. I weigh what I weigh. Two days doesn't change anything.

I always feel like reading the little piece of paper is like opening a household appliance or finding out a dirty secret. You don't REALLY want to know but......you do. Suspending my curiosity, I went to the drugstore and bought cleaning supplies. I had a women's group later, so I made my way there and peeked. I gained two and half pounds in three weeks. 

Since May, my weight hasn't been this high. I've felt so in control. Now I feel so unsure. Is it too much cake? Salad dressing? I would love to say "It's just a number," but that will never be true. I don't want to stop eating. Going to bed hungry sucks. Food doesn't belong in dreams. I don't want to be up-tight or obsessive. It's just not worth it anymore. Typing that makes me sad. I used to live to be thin. I just don't want it that much anymore. I want a life, a job, a marriage, a purpose. None of that is possible if I go down the path I know so well.

Pink said it right in her song Perfect: "It's such a tired game." I don't want to play anymore. I just want to be OK. I have my appointment on Thursday. There will be lots to say....I'm glad I still go to therapy, even though sometimes I feel "recovered." My therapist tells me to think about the worst case scenario and consider how bad things REALLY are. I gained about three pounds. I don't like it, but what can I do about it tonight? Nothing.

We're all playing some type of game. It's just that some of us play more dangerously than others.....


- OCG
 

Sunday, February 05, 2012

True...

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye But don't worry; God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't
save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will
this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive but don’t forget.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
- Unknown (a forward from my Dad)