Tuesday, February 07, 2012

A number.....

Today I got weighed. I was nervous. I KNEW I had gained. My watch, my pants and my wheelchair seat belt are all tighter. I asked the person who weighed me to write down the number and put it in my purse. My doctor doesn't know I do this. She thinks she is the first to tell me my weight on our Thursday sessions. Whatever. I weigh what I weigh. Two days doesn't change anything.

I always feel like reading the little piece of paper is like opening a household appliance or finding out a dirty secret. You don't REALLY want to know but......you do. Suspending my curiosity, I went to the drugstore and bought cleaning supplies. I had a women's group later, so I made my way there and peeked. I gained two and half pounds in three weeks. 

Since May, my weight hasn't been this high. I've felt so in control. Now I feel so unsure. Is it too much cake? Salad dressing? I would love to say "It's just a number," but that will never be true. I don't want to stop eating. Going to bed hungry sucks. Food doesn't belong in dreams. I don't want to be up-tight or obsessive. It's just not worth it anymore. Typing that makes me sad. I used to live to be thin. I just don't want it that much anymore. I want a life, a job, a marriage, a purpose. None of that is possible if I go down the path I know so well.

Pink said it right in her song Perfect: "It's such a tired game." I don't want to play anymore. I just want to be OK. I have my appointment on Thursday. There will be lots to say....I'm glad I still go to therapy, even though sometimes I feel "recovered." My therapist tells me to think about the worst case scenario and consider how bad things REALLY are. I gained about three pounds. I don't like it, but what can I do about it tonight? Nothing.

We're all playing some type of game. It's just that some of us play more dangerously than others.....


1 comment:

Katie said...

"I used to live to be thin. I just don't want it that much anymore." <---YESYESYES SO very true and such an important realization. I don't weigh myself, and the past few times in tx, I have NEVER known my weight, but in a few weeks, either at my appt with a doc or my tx assessment, I am going to have to get weighed. I KNOW the only place I could POSSIBLY see it is at the docs, and it is SO tempting to do so, but I know that I can't give power to the number. Whether it be higher or lower than I believe it to be, I know that my eating disordered brain will twist it in some negative way. I try to remind myself that I am a human being, who deserves love and help when needed, no matter WHAT the number on the scale says.