Thursday, March 22, 2012


This is a note to myself from my Thursday appointment: 

Things I need to remember/do:

- Pick an easy time of day, e.g. late afternoon, after dinner - not alone.

- Remind myself that breakfast is the very next day. I DON'T have to compensate tomorrow. 

- Remind myself that eating this will help me feel satisfied and sleep better.

- Choose frozen yogurt, cheese, fruit,  and single serving snacks.

- Snacks will help me think about food less at night.

- If I've eaten dinner, had dessert and am STILL hungry, have an apple, grapefruit or vegetables and hummus.


- OCG 

Friday, March 16, 2012

Beautiful Friday!

The weather is gorgeous! I spent the morning listening to tunes and got coffee from Starbucks. Some lady sat down beside me and fiddled with her tablet. I was kind of uncomfortable sitting with her. I'm pretty friendly, but we just didn't click. I didn't stay long. (Just long enough to enjoy my coffee!)

All in all, this week has been positive. No real drama besides my brother's inappropriate behaviour last weekend. That's over now. On Monday, my home Bell phone wasn't working. Someone stole a cable from the "phone room." The technician was named Ronnie. He was very friendly. Dad came by and we went to Loblaws for potato pizza. It was more like a big round loaf of bread. He split it in half. I enjoyed hanging with my Dad.  He was impressed by how the old hockey arena got converted into a top notch market. I love where I live! On Wednesday I got my engagement ring back. *Thank you for Observer for taking my ring to be resized three times! It finally fits perfectly!*

I had my weekly Thursday appointment yesterday. It was healing to vent about my brother. My doctor made HUGE deal about my weight. I told her, I "could handle making changes and did not need a meal plan."  I HATE being told what to eat. It stresses  me out and makes me eat everything or nothing. Sometimes I want to scream, "LEAVE ME ALONE. WHAT I EAT IS MY BUSINESS. NO ONE CAN TAKE MY CHOICES AWAY! I AM NOT SKINNY, SO BUGGER OFF!" 

In happier news, I've heard two great tunes. The first I heard in HMV Superstore last night. It's called "Night Swimming" by R.E.M. and the second is called "Feel So Close" by Calvin Harris. They're different styles, but maybe that's why I can't get me out of my head.



Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Happy Birthday Mom!

It's my Mom's birthday today. She turned 56 years old. Actually, it was my Mom's birthday.  It's past midnight now. We had a sweet family dinner on Sunday. Earlier in the day I went to Tim Hortons with Dad. I always enjoy coffee with Dad. My sister brought stir fry and AMAZING carrot cake. My oldest brother Shane slipped and arrived under the influence to dinner. Right  away I knew something was wrong. He walked in and insisted on taking my Mom for a walk. I don't want to go into specifics, but my brother was belligerent and rude. I really want to say, "When you're drunk, you're such a jerk. You are  a father. Get your act together now." I am tired of being compassionate. Sometimes you just have to stop doing what you are addicted to. It's not easy. I know, but what other choice is there?  My brother's behavior makes sad and mad. 

I tried to focus on Mom and the babies. Mom seemed to enjoy herself even though she seemed preoccupied with my brother's struggles. My sister told everyone that she pregnant. I will never tire of Skylar answering "Baby" when we say, "What's in Momma's tummy?" We were all so excited! 

Happy Birthday Mom! I love you. 


Saturday, March 10, 2012

Silkwood, weight, chicken and love....

I hope you're having a great weekend! On my end, it's been a good one. I saw a movie called Silkwood last night from 1983. I was one year-old then. It starred Meryl Streep, Cher and some others. Meryl worked for a nuclear plant and was protesting radiation exposure among employers. It was sad. I was not uplifted. I got weighed and it's been messing with my head. There was a big drop. I'm not surprised because I was so bothered by gaining last month. I tried to forget about the number, but it's always in the back of my mind.

Today I'm visiting the Observer at his apartment. We just went to Swiss Chalet. Outside was cold. I had sweet heat chicken salad, a roll dipped in sauce, and apple pie. When it came to dessert, I couldn't decide if I wanted it. I was going to share with the Observer, but then I was obsessing about pie. I had pecan before and it was amazing. This time I had apple. I should have stuck to pecan pie. Too late. I have such regret after dessert, even though I love it. 

My family is celebrating my Mom's 56th birthday tomorrow with a sushi dinner. I'm excited to see the babies. The Observer hates sushi, so I told him he could have my niece's oatmeal. I have a feeling he'll eat before he comes.  The Observer has a cough. He's been sick for a week. Poor guy. Before today, I hadn't seen him for six days. I've missed him. He just had a shower and always smells great. I can hear the Observer laughing and it makes me want to go straight to him and hug him. I'm full, but not too full to be hugged and squeezed. 


Thursday, March 08, 2012


I didn't know what to do tonight. So I watched Super size vs. Super skinny. A You Tuber downloaded the show from England.I'm embarrassed to admit how much I love it. It's about binging, diets, restricting calories, BMIs and weight loss. All of my addictions rolled into one hour.

My doctor made me mad today. Whatever. At the end of our session, she asked, "You don 't think of yourself as thin?" NO ! I DON'T. Even if I DID, I'd still struggle with eating and distorted body image. I thought the answer was clear. She's the "specialist." I wanted to say, "Do YOU think of yourself as thin?" She would have said, "Yes, I AM thin." and then turned the floor back to me.
I'm pretty sure even my doctor has "fat" days.  

If I thought of myself as "thin," my life would be exactly the same.

So, why do I care so much about being thin? 

- OCG 

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Baby #3!!!

I've spent the day inside. My wheelchair is broken. Thankfully, it happened when I was coming home from a Wheeltrans focus group last night. I was right outside my apartment building. While it's not ideal to have a busted wheelchair, at least I wasn't stranded out in the cold. It's happened before and it's not pleasant. I'm sitting in my old wheelchair. I'm lucky to have a back-up wheelchair. Otherwise, I wouldn't be too mobile.

The Wheel-trans Focus group was productive. I got paid $75 to give two hours of feedback on how they can improve city transportation for commuters with physical disabilities. There were six other women in my group who were pessimistic and older. There was cookies, coffee and tea. Not bad - if you ask me.  The other participants were different. They were consumed with bad experiences on buses and health challenges. Some had disabilities related to obesity and it made me sad. I've been on the other side of that coin and it's just  as isolating.

I was scheduled to be weighed and go to my monthly women's group tonight. It would have been good to socialize at the group, but what can I do? My back-up wheelchair works, but I didn't want to push my luck and end up with no mobile wheelchair. Getting weighed was postponed until next Tuesday, which is fine....I wasn't exactly excited to go. I've been out of control with desserts. I watched Rio and it was cute. I also watched the first episode of the sixth season of All In The Family where Gloria finds out she is pregnant and her husband must gain his confidence with parenthood.

 On a related note, I went home on the weekend. On Sunday, my sister, her husband and my little niece Skylar dropped over unexpectedly. I was playing with Skylar when my sister said to her, "Tell Auntie (OCG), what's in momma's tummy."In a quiet voice, my one and a quarter year -old niece said, "A baby!"

Shocked, I wasn't sure if I heard right but my sister nodded. So...I'm going to be an aunt again in August!!!  I'm so excited, but still surprised. My sister is a natural momma and her husband is a natural Dad. Watching All In The Family today, I heard the following quote by Alistair Cook

"In the best of times, our days are numbered anyway, and so it would be a crime against nature for any generation to take the world crisis so solemnly that it put off enjoying those things for which we were presumably designed in the first place. . . I mean the opportunity to do good work, to fall in love, to enjoy friends, to sit under a tree, to hit a ball and bounce a baby.”

I have to agree.