Saturday, June 23, 2012
Maybe you've never binged before. If not, I'm glad. It's horrible.
a. A period of unrestrained, immoderate self-indulgence.
b. A period of excessive or uncontrolled indulgence in food or drink: an eating binge.
intr.v. binged, bing·ing or binge·ing, bing·es
1. To be immoderately self-indulgent and unrestrained:
2. To engage in excessive or uncontrolled indulgence in food or drink.
Why am I writing about binging? Because yesterday I binged. I ate about fifteen to twenty Italian cookies from the freezer. I'd like to say I was full and felt sick, but I didn't. I could have eaten more. I loved every sweet, soft, gooey, sugary bite. I was starving.
If you've been reading this blog for a while, you've read about other binges. You've read about me worrying about weight, my Thursday appointments, my "doctor" and dietician.
Here's the thing: I have Anorexia Nervosa. I hate that word. It sounds so.....serious. I prefer to say I have "eating issues." My Thursday appointments are with a psychologist specializing in eating disorders. I struggle with binging and restricting. Lately, I've been having a hard time keeping things in balance. I have lost my period for the third time in ten years. It's my old story.
I binged in front of the Observer. I was cramming cookies in my mouth trying to get rid of the gnawing hunger inside. It's usually so easy to ignore. All of a sudden, it catches up with me until I can't get enough food. The next day is usually full of meal skipping and hunger until I binge again. I love my fiance. He doesn't judge, gives me what I need and loves me through the madness. I am so lucky. Today is a new day and it's been balanced. That's all I can ask of myself right now.
Monday, June 18, 2012
This past weekend was fun and sweet. The Observer called it "fam jammed." I would agree. We hung out with the Observer's family on Saturday. I enjoyed seeing Diya and Poalo. The Observer's mom helped me out with a personal care emergency. Bless her heart. She saved me from bladder explosion.
The next day we celebrated father's day with my family. We visited my grandparents. Grandma bought grandpa a delicious ice cream cake. It's been a long time since Grandpa's has said a full sentence. When Grandma asked him, "Would you like more cake?" He said, "Yes, I'll have more." We were shocked and so happy. I couldn't stop laughing. Grandpa has always had a sweet tooth. If anything can get him to speak, it's cake!
HAPPY BELATED FATHER'S DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, June 04, 2012
Tonight I watched New York, I Love You. Well, I watched all one hour and forty forty minutes of it, which means it wasn't that bad. It was similar to Love Actually, New Years Eve, and Valentine's Day. The plot was a bunch of mini stories somehow connected. Five star celebrities seem interested in the smaller roles right now....
My usual Sunday at home was sweet. I ate....and ate....and ate....and ate more. This is what I do when I visit my parents. They have food I don't and I lose control. I wish things were different, but I cannot seem to want to change. It's madness but it's MY madness. I'm not ready to give it up.
On Saturday there was a gang related shooting at the Eaton's Center. Seven people were victims and the target of the attack was killed. We go to the Eaton's Center often so it really hit home. The gunman is only twenty-three-years old. He turned himself into police the next day. I feel for everyone involved. The poor victims who were just going about their night, the other shoppers who were traumatized by the violence and the gunman who decided his fate forever with one pull of the trigger. We never know what can happen in a day.....
Mom gave me a china teacup to celebrate my (our) engagement. It's her traditional "engagement gift" for female family and friends. Mine has purple and blue flowers. It looks beautiful sitting on my bookshelf. It's sitting beside a teacup with pink flowers that belonged to my late maternal grandmother. She died at thirty years old, so I never met her. I like that our engagement teacups are sitting beside each other. Maybe she is looking down on her youngest grand-daughter smiling that she is getting married to an amazing man.
Friday, June 01, 2012
Tonight I feel sad. It's raining. We went out for dinner with another couple. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to eat at Jack Astors. I ate pepperoni pizza, salad, fries and cake. The Observer paid. Next time it's my turn. We got soaked. I knew that would happen. That's why I didn't want to go. I am sitting in my pj's listening to the rain outside of my window and a Netflix movie called The Answer Man.
I am tired of socializing. The phone is ringing. Unless it's the Observer or my Mom, I don't want to talk. I don't want to make social commitments where I eat too much. I would rather be alone.....I am tired of people because they mean food and I just need a break.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.