Saturday, June 23, 2012
Maybe you've never binged before. If not, I'm glad. It's horrible.
a. A period of unrestrained, immoderate self-indulgence.
b. A period of excessive or uncontrolled indulgence in food or drink: an eating binge.
intr.v. binged, bing·ing or binge·ing, bing·es
1. To be immoderately self-indulgent and unrestrained:
2. To engage in excessive or uncontrolled indulgence in food or drink.
Why am I writing about binging? Because yesterday I binged. I ate about fifteen to twenty Italian cookies from the freezer. I'd like to say I was full and felt sick, but I didn't. I could have eaten more. I loved every sweet, soft, gooey, sugary bite. I was starving.
If you've been reading this blog for a while, you've read about other binges. You've read about me worrying about weight, my Thursday appointments, my "doctor" and dietician.
Here's the thing: I have Anorexia Nervosa. I hate that word. It sounds so.....serious. I prefer to say I have "eating issues." My Thursday appointments are with a psychologist specializing in eating disorders. I struggle with binging and restricting. Lately, I've been having a hard time keeping things in balance. I have lost my period for the third time in ten years. It's my old story.
I binged in front of the Observer. I was cramming cookies in my mouth trying to get rid of the gnawing hunger inside. It's usually so easy to ignore. All of a sudden, it catches up with me until I can't get enough food. The next day is usually full of meal skipping and hunger until I binge again. I love my fiance. He doesn't judge, gives me what I need and loves me through the madness. I am so lucky. Today is a new day and it's been balanced. That's all I can ask of myself right now.