Saturday, August 31, 2013

Guess who's coming to dinner?

I am trying really hard to let go. Anger has no place in my heart, but it's there. I still hurt. I still wonder why. I still laugh at memories. I still want to say, "How COULD you?" The other half of me wants to say thank you for so much love. Sometimes I can't believe I was so lucky to be with you. If the one we love is a reflection of ourselves, then life was sweet. I couldn't have picked a better husband. However, if we were meant to be, he'd be here.

I want to say sorry. I'm not sure why, but I do. Life has moved forward and I'm trying to trust it. This process sucks. It's lonely, scary and like riding a roller coaster. I want to get off, but then where will I go???

Tonight I watched Guess Who's Coming To Dinner? This quote resonated with me: 

But I can tell you the memories are still there - clear, intact, indestructible. And they'll be there if I live to be 110. Where John made his mistake, I think, was attaching so much importance to what her mother and I might think. Because in the final analysis, it doesn't matter a damn what we think. The only thing that matters is what they feel, and how much they feel for each other. And if it's half of what we felt, that's everything. As for you two and the problems you're going to have, they seem almost unimaginable. But you'll have no problem with me. And I think that uh, when Christina and I and your mother have some time to work on him, you'll have no problem with your father, John. But you do know - I'm sure you know - what you're up against. There'll be a hundred million people right here in this country who'll be shocked and offended and appalled at the two of you. And the two of you will just have to ride that out. Maybe every day for the rest of your lives. You can try to ignore those people or you can feel sorry for them and for their prejudices and their bigotry and their blind hatreds and stupid fears. But where necessary, you'll just have to cling tight to each other and say screw all those people! Anybody could make a case, and a hell of a good case, against your getting married. The arguments are so obvious that nobody has to make them. But you're two wonderful people who happened to fall in love and happen to have a pigmentation problem. And I think that now no matter what kind of a case some bastard could make against your getting married, there would be only one thing worse. And that would be if - knowing what you two are, knowing what you two have, and knowing what you two feel - you didn't get married. 

Sometimes old movies say it best.


Tuesday, August 27, 2013

One Day....

I never noticed it before, but it was always there. Just waiting, lurking. I used to hate you too. Quite violently actually, Dexter. No! I'm sorry, but only...because she lit up with you, just in a way that she never did with me and it used to make me so angry because I...I...I didn't think that you deserved her. She made you decent, and in return, you made her so happy. So happy. And I will always be grateful to you for that. 

- From the movie One Day by David Nicholls

My niece Hannah had her first birthday party yesterday. She was so cute holding up her pointer finger when we asked her how old she was. It was fun to watch Cole and Skylar play. They have grown close. I enjoyed watching Octonauts with them on Treehouse while they ate pretzels. I wore a new dress and felt pretty. My  brother got drunk so we had to leave in a hurry. I felt sorry for my Dad who had to take my brother's keys away. Sitting on the toilet at home, I cried. Why can't my brother stop drinking??? He makes me sad. My brother's house sold yesterday and he's hoping to move into a condo. I'm worried about his health. He's not coping well.

Lately I've been binging and restricting. I feel in control this way. Binging sucks. My weight is up which is not surprising. I've been here many times  and survived, so I'm trying to relax. Today I watched the movie One Day. The book by David Nicholls is amazing. A few years ago, I saw the movie in the theater. Knowing that I would cry at the end, I left before the credits rolled. Watching the movie at home, I didn't cry. Emotions are fleeting. I have been lit up with love before. It is a wonderful gift.

In Loblaws, I bought my Mom a gray orchid pot. She has a purple one and liked it so much that she asked me to buy her a plain coloured pot. Mom sweetly bought me two bottles of hot sauce. I love that stuff....

I am afraid there are bed bugs in my apartment. I woke up with bites...Argh! One day I would like to sleep with a special friend - just not a bed bug.


Thursday, August 22, 2013

After all this.....

Sunshine makes me happy. The Italian gelato store owner brightens my day when he says, "How's my girl?" Cole is going through a parental separation but he's still happy and so sweet. Shane is home and safe. Salad is yummy. I discovered the magic of Febreeze. I am letting go of hurt. I have been to Queens Quay with a good friend. Skylar FINALLY pooped on the potty. I watched Salmon Fishing In The Yemin, Ides Of March, Moneyball, The Iron Lady, Pitch Perfect and Fame. Ides Of March and Salmon Fishing In The Yemin were my favorite movies. Heather from my women's group died of a pulmonary embolism. She was a mother figure to me. I will miss her dearly. I've learned that life is made of givers and takers. I want to be a giver. It's impossible to know how life will unfold. Just live.


Tuesday, August 06, 2013

The Hole In The Sidewalk...

Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V
I walk down another street.
By Portia Nelson

* Thanks to IfGreenShouldSlip for recommending this poem.