Monday, December 30, 2013

Stopping for gratitude....

Beautiful snowflakes are falling on the street. I just ate rice, peas and peanut butter ice cream with Mathew. There are new, fun, colourful magnets on my fridge. I saw John and Danielle for coffee today. John is healthy. An old attendant worked with me this morning. It was fun to catch up. She is skilled and funny. I ate pumpkin pop tarts for breakfast. Mathew knocked on my door and it made me happy. I wished a wheelchair technician happy holidays. Mom called. I kissed Mathew's forehead.

Tonight I watched a TED talk on gratitude. The lecturer said, gratitude means we need to "Stop, look,  and go." I am grateful for today.  Tomorrow we're having vegan pizza. I'm already grateful....


Saturday, December 28, 2013

Dear Shane,

You're home this weekend on a pass from treatment. Cole is staying with you at Mom and Dad's house. Mom has pneumonia. She had it last Christmas. I am worried. You are too, I know. I wanted to see you, but this is your time to be a Dad. Mom and Dad say that you sound clear headed and are starting to look like your old self. I am so happy. You're awesome inside and outside Shane. Mom says it's your job to set up chairs before meetings. Jobs are purposeful.

Christmas was sweet. We missed you. I missed the train and took the Go Bus home. Dad and Jeff tied my wheelchair to the truck of the van. Jeff stood in the back while Dad drove slowly. The ropes gave way just as we pulled into the driveway. Jeff said, "It's a Christmas miracle." It was.

Jeff bought the cutest toys for Skylar and Hannah. There was Leo The Lion for Hannah and a princess suitcase for Skylar. He did well. Carlie's tummy is getting bigger. She's going to have three kids! 

The last month hasn't been easy on you. I am glad you are safe. The way you lived made me so sad. I hurt with you. I think of you every day. Recovery is the most challenging in the beginning. It's akin to being lost in a foreign country when you're very homesick. Locals try to convince you to stay but it feels so strange and unfamiliar. You just want to go back to where you came from. Stay on the this side of the face. It's uncomfortable, but you'll get used to it. I have tremendous respect for what you're doing. This is the fight of your life. Nothing else will ever require this strength.  Pull, push, scream, cry, laugh, and please, don't give up. You are worthwhile. Life is worthwhile.

I love you Shane.


Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Dear Shane,

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I'm going to miss you. Mom and Dad say you sound clear headed. I'm glad. Katie sent a picture of Cole with Santa. He is so cute! He knows you're not at work and misses you too. Don't worry Shane. He'll understand one day. Maybe he already does. I am staying in the city overnight this holiday. It'll be different for both of us. I hope you are OK. Recovery is a path and the beginning feels like a dark tunnel. Gradually, there will be light. It will sting until you grow accustomed to it. Change is hard. You know that. I am so proud of you Shane. I love you and want you to be happy. You're so special. I miss you kissing my check, and tousling my hair. I can't wait to see you. My new boyfriend, Matt is looking forward to meeting you. He's funny, sweet, and smart. You will approve. I pray you'll have a merry Christmas. Let yourself be free.

Happy holidays my brother. XOXO

- OCG 

Sunday, December 08, 2013

Dear Shane,

Tomorrow you leave for treatment. I don't know what to say. I'm relieved. At least you'll be safe. The road is long but our days are mashed together. I am sorry you hurt. I miss the old you. Remember that dude? You were so funny, sarcastic and kind. You are in there. Come back. Be healthy. You deserve a better life. My texts are unanswered. It's OK. I want you to know that I'm proud of you for trying. Whatever happens, you'll make it through. We all will. Somehow. I am sad for the life you've missed. We only get one. I don't want you to waste yours. Neither do you. A part of me is scared. I know that recovery is a slope. You may struggle for a while and that will be hard to watch. I pray you will have the strength to pull yourself up. Once you've rebounded for the first time, it will get easier.

Just hold on. The other side is much, much brighter. You have a future ahead. There is a son waiting for you, a niece or nephew to meet in the summer, a job, all of us, friends, music, golf, love, and a fresh start. Choose to live and embrace it. It's yours if you reach out. Please....  

I love you.

- OCG 

P.S. You and I often talk about new music we enjoy. Today I've been listening to the song Unbelievers by Vampire Weekend. You'd probably like it.