Read some thoughts, poems, song lyrics, quotes and other meaningful things from a lady who thinks too much, lives each day sitting in a wheelchair, feels deeply, and enjoys life, especially orange coloured objects, music, tea, laughing, and hanging out with the cool folk.
The following is a list of negative, automatic thoughts and rational responses from my eating disorder treatment. If you are struggling with disordered eating, hopefully these notes help.
NEGATIVE AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS AND RATIONAL RESPONSES: Restriction: If I’ve gained weight, then I need to go back to eat less. I need to lose that weight. Restriction leads to bingeing. I want to be normal and normal eaters don’t restrict. I have to be thinner because it’s easier for other people. Normal people take care of themselves. I have to put myself first. Restriction is selfish – that’s all about me. If I have a bad day, restriction will make me feel better. Having to gain weight again is not fun. Gaining and losing weight over and over is exhausting. This is my thing. This is what I do. It may be my thing, but it doesn’t make me special. It makes me sad, weird and hard to get along with. Binge eating: This is food I wouldn’t normally eat and I love it. I can always restrict tomorrow.
This cycle has to stop. I’m smart enough to know this cycle doesn’t work or make me feel good. I deserve this. Actually, I deserve to be healthy and normal. I’m not overweight, so it’s OK. I may not be overweight, but I do have an ED. This is not recovery.
This may not be good for me, but who cares. Things can be different now. They can change. I’ve thought this way before and it usually happens when I’m tired. I might feel differently tomorrow.
Today is freezing outside. Coming from the library and Loblaws caused my fingers to tingle. I saw a squashed bird on the street and it made me sad. The bird also made me consider becoming a vegetarian. Poor bird...
When my parents set up my new TV in my bedroom, I bought an antenna to watch local channels. I love watching Jimmy Fallon, especially on Fridays when he writes apology letters. He's hilarious! Matthew set up my antenna. We came across the Muppets Christmas movie. Emily Blunt is in it. I said to Mathew, "She's sweet, but her former boyfriend Micheal Buble was a real loser. I wonder if that's what people say about you and me?" He laughed.
On Saturday I ate a HUGE burger and fries. As a vegetable and
carbohydrate lover, a burger was a big deal. I enjoyed it. Sometimes a
girl needs a burger and fries. We also watched some of Dallas Buyer's Club. It's quite a raw, gut wrenching movie. I'm glad we didn't see it in theaters. That would have been awkward.
Shane is withdrawing from hydromorphone. He's struggling. I went home on Sunday but didn't see him. My Mom cried and it broke my heart. She just wants him fixed. We all want him fixed, but he has to share in this desire. I am very worried about my family. There is a huge lump in my throat every time I think of them. We are so tired, but we still love him. Hopefully Shane knows this. Speaking of struggles, I am still dealing with my lumpier, fuller body. The song Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michealson resonates. She must know someone who is an alcoholic, watched her mother cry, seen a dead bird on the street, eaten a hamburger and fries, and had cold hands. In spite of everything, Ingrid Michealson still keeps breathing. Perhaps I should go outside again. Don't hold your breath.
* The flower lady at Loblaws stopping to tell me goodbye * Cole running into my room to say good morning * Skylar giving me her chocolate * Sitting with Shane at Skylar's party * Mavis hugging me hello in the lobby * Mathew hugging and kissing me in the lobby * My Dad calling to say he enjoyed having me home this weekend * Drawing pictures with Cole * Constipation relief * Eating Katherine's cookies with Mathew
I can hear rain hitting my windowpane. It's gloomy and wet out. I suppose it's England weather (minus the snow!) I've not been out yet today. I'm taking the train home in an hour. Tomorrow we're celebrating Skylar's third birthday. Her actual birthday was in November but her family was sick. She's too little to know the difference. This morning Skylar threw her cereal on the floor and was banned from watching Treehouse. I think she gets her toughness from me. My sister had an ultrasound yesterday. The baby is healthy. I am relieved. Shane is home. I'm excited to see him and Cole. I've missed them.
I've gained ten pounds in three months. I'm trying to swallow it. My body is lumpier and I have fuller cheeks. This place is not foreign to me, but it's still scary. Part of me misses anorexia. Another part loves food, spontaneity and intimacy. After a lunch date yesterday, I tweeted, Confession: There's something sweet about holding someone's face when you kiss. If I were actively restricting, all that would matter would be the calories in the pizza I ate. Now I can focus on moments that matter. Isn't that why we're all here? Well, maybe to listen to the rain too...
* Shane coming home from treatment * Being able to afford pop * The guy outside Loblaws who helped me load my backpack * The lift * Having more of a butt * My mom * The words "Thank you." * freshly washed clothes * A new vacuum * A pretty orchid from Mom * nights of cuddling, kissing and sweet music * A new TV * My family * Grace who picked me up when I slid on the floor * TED talks - OCG