Wednesday, May 07, 2014


 I don't know what to say. Grandma is recovering. The results are weeks away. I have a good feeling. Cole turned four years old today. His birth was the best day of my far. Another baby is coming in less than a month. My Mom has the flu. Poor Mom. I feel really, really fat tonight. I miss being skinny and all of the madness. That said, I love pizza, yogurt bars and vegetables sautéed with garlic and olive oil. After three years of eating them every day, I'm tired of salads. I love Saturday night dinners. I love intimacy and nurturing. I love the smells of food coming from my kitchen. I love vegetarian pasta,  kissing and eating. I love it more than a skinny body. That makes me sad because I have to forge a new path. Maybe it's the path I was too scared to take before. I'm stronger now, but I still feel a little lost.


Monday, May 05, 2014

Love, sweet love....

This song from Sam Smith is heartbreakingly beautiful. I cannot hear it enough because I can relate to feeling unloved. We all can...

Matthew and I had our first fight. For the first time in six months, I showed up at his door without texting first. I told Matthew that something he said  didn't sit right with me. He was stunned. I rarely get angry, but I needed to speak up. After venting, I asked him to open the door so I could leave. He convinced me to stay and hear his apology. I did and kissed him. I'm learning to stand up for myself. People listen. Often, I smile after kissing Matthew. Yesterday he said that, when my mouth is occupied, my eyelashes curl as if they are smiling instead.  

On a happy note, Cole celebrated his fourth birthday yesterday at East Side Marios. He was so cute. The love he has for his Dad is unconditional. Hopefully my brother chooses to recover from alcoholism. Having others love us is motivation, but we need the desire for a better life. 

I heard a beautiful violin player this afternoon. In the grocery store, a man sweetly got up to move chairs and spilled chocolate milk. Good karma will find him ; of this I am sure.